Comments on: Teen Parenthood and Afterwards

By: Cass

Cass — Sun, 29 May 2005 17:53:54 +0000

It seems to me the whole point is that it’s not for you (Billy) to say what’s right or wrong for Lauren or anyone else (except yourself). To say that a young, single mom should have/not have a baby/abort/place for adoption — to assume that there’s a single right choice for everyone is a flawed and highly problematic presumption.

By: BillyHW

BillyHW — Sun, 29 May 2005 07:43:14 +0000

I…decided for several reasons not to get an abortion

Lauren, you did a wonderful thing in deciding not to abort your baby. You made the right choice, no doubt under tremendous pressure to make the wrong one. Bless you. I will pray for your family.

By: judgemc

judgemc — Sat, 28 May 2005 17:13:46 +0000

Don’t forget to add the “your child needs a sibling” rant to that. As a now over thirty first time mom, I get that all the time. Like I’m some kid of baby pez dispenser or my child will be mentally damaged because mommy and daddy were smart enough to know when to say when.
My daughter already has us outsmarted, I can’t imagine what she would be like if she had a sidekick.

By: Dianne

Dianne — Sat, 28 May 2005 14:38:18 +0000

Lauren, I apologize for being hyper-sensitive and reading into your writing a criticism that wasn’t meant. In case you haven’t guessed already, just being over 20 when your kid is born does not make you immune from criticism by every random person with or without kids who is certain they know better than you…I shouldn’t whine, I know you and others put up with much more, but it still bothers me. The most common criticism is that I shouldn’t continue working after having a child. It doesn’t seem to bother the little one, who gets to stay with her grandmother, whom she adores, and spend extra time with her father while I’m at work, never mind that she is happy and healthy, never mind that I’m happier for continuing to do work I enjoy, I should be at home all day with the baby because that’s the way they say it should be done. (/rant)

By: aldahlia

aldahlia — Sat, 28 May 2005 06:20:05 +0000

ack. i try to trackback, and it calls me anonymous… and… damn wp 1.5.

By: Lauren

Lauren — Sat, 28 May 2005 02:33:08 +0000

But did you have to do the mommy drive-by? You sound like a natalist, insisting that women should have their kids in their teens and that anyone who has kids in their 3os is going to ruin them.

Oh, no. I don’t mean to sound this way at all. My problem is with what I perceive as empty parenting, those concerned with the appearance of good parenthood and family life, something from which my single parent peers and I are immediately excluded. My overall point, especially when you consider the other writings I’ve done on this subject, is that no family is perfect, no parent is perfect, and we all need scads of support and time to recoup. The people posting at Flea’s got me into a tizzy in part because they seem to try and equate the event of birthing before the age of twenty with a low IQ and a penchant for doing lines off the toilet seat while the kid’s in the bath.

FIPness requires judgementalism and condecension, IMO.

And one more thing. What I do isn’t superhuman, it’s what has to be done. I have a lot of help and support, just as any parent should. My family and friends are as much a part of E’s success as anything I have done. I think my one strength has been the choices of who to let in, who to keep out, and who to bring in very close to us. Because it is just the two of us most of the time, that has been key.

By: Dianne

Dianne — Sat, 28 May 2005 01:27:07 +0000

Lauren, your kid sounds terrific and I think your raising him alone while getting a degree is next to superhuman. But did you have to do the mommy drive-by? You sound like a natalist, insisting that women should have their kids in their teens and that anyone who has kids in their 3os is going to ruin them. This is no more true than the claim that teenage mothers are going to ruin their kids. In both cases it depends on the people and circumstances involved.

I’m one of those parents who has a toddler at an age when, according to you and the natalists, I should be preparing for grandchildren. If I’d had a kid at 18 it would have been a disaster. I admire your ability to raise a child at that age without loosing your own sense of self and ambition in the process, but I couldn’t have done i. So I waited until I could. I guess that makes me a FIP in your eyes. Too bad: I’d expect that kind of expect that sort of labeling from the fundies, but it’s a bit of a disappointment to see it from someone I usually agree with and respect.

By: Snow

Snow — Fri, 27 May 2005 22:39:26 +0000

I wasn’t a teen parent, but still a single mom at 21, just finishing school. Age and income don’t have a damned thing to do with parenting skills. Love and nurturing do.

(My daughter turned 20 this week, and is a scholarship student at a state uni where she’s studying poli-sci. I wish I could persuade her to blog now, because someday she will run the world.)

By: aldahlia.net

aldahlia.net — Fri, 27 May 2005 21:41:31 +0000

[...] r, for the most part, hurting our children; it is bad choices that hurt teenagers.

From Laurnen:When people talk about lack of parent pr [...]

By: Elizabeth

Elizabeth — Fri, 27 May 2005 19:35:51 +0000

Just for the record, the cite for the study that Fred Vincy mentioned is Hotz, McElroy and Sanders “The Costs and Consequences of Teenage Childbearing for Mothers.”

A decent review of the literature is at:
http://www.agi-usa.org/pubs/journals/3023698.html

Lauren, thanks for raising these issues.