Stupid Oracle

I don’t drink Starbucks. We have too many little coffee shops in town that I love to support to submit myself to Starbucks coffee. Nonetheless, as per my usual order of a grande soy latte with Irish Creme, the Starbucks Oracle labels me:

Personality type: Hippie

In addition to being a hippie, you are a hypochondriac health nut. You secretly think that your insistence on only consuming all-natural products is because you’re so intelligent and well-informed; it’s actually because you’re a sucker. You’ve dabbled in Wicca or other pseudo-religions that attract morons and have changed your sexual orientation a few times this year. You probably live in California. Everyone who drinks Grande Soy Latte with Irish Creme should be forced to eat a McDonald’s bacon cheeseburger.

Also drinks: Beverages with lots of marketing that says they’re herbal and organic
Can also be found at: Whole Foods, indoor rock climbing facilities

The funny thing is that none of this is true. I’m definitely not a hippie, a hypochondriac, or a health nut. I don’t insist on ingesting organic foods, I’ve never dabbled in Wicca, and have always been of one boring sexual orientation.

I drink soy because cow milk makes me fart. Too bad the oracle didn’t forsee that one.

via After School Snack

16 comments for “Stupid Oracle

  1. Scott1960
    June 27, 2005 at 9:30 pm

    Eerie. I guess I’m going to have to change my drink and personality type… oh and get hooked on crack since I drink a venti breve with an extra shot.

  2. June 27, 2005 at 10:07 pm

    It told me I was high maintenance.

  3. June 27, 2005 at 11:35 pm

    I’m either a hippy or lame, also because cow milk makes me fart. BTW, do you know about lactaid pills? They’re expensive but will afford you fart-free dairy experiences.

  4. June 28, 2005 at 4:09 am

    Personality type: High Maintenance

    You pride yourself on being assertive and direct; everyone else thinks you’re bossy and arrogant. You’re constantly running your mouth about topics that only you would find interesting. Your capacity for wasting other people’s time is limitless. Your friends find you intolerable, that’s why they’re plotting to kill you.

    Also drinks: Water. Bottled, chilled, with four ice cubes, a twist of lemon, in a crystal glass.

    Can also be found at: Trendy martini bars

    All that, just because I drink a grande vanilla skim extra-hot no-water chai? Ouch.

    But when I’m not running my mouth in martini bars, I can usually be found shopping for overpriced organic snacks at Whole Foods — so maybe I should try Lauren’s drink next time.

  5. June 28, 2005 at 4:16 am

    Beat this:

    Personality type: Ass-clown

    You tell people that you’re an executive at your company. You think that your repeated references to being “addicted” to caffeine make you seem intriguing and dangerous. People think you’re a sucker because you spend 60% of your annual income at Starbucks. Everyone who drinks venti black coffee with no sugar ends up addicted to crack.

    Also drinks: Zima
    Can also be found at: Karaoke bars

    I don’t think I’ve ever had Zima.

  6. Marissa
    June 28, 2005 at 10:04 am

    um… just for note. Wicca is not a “pseudo-religion.” With exceptions for those covens started by people who just want to make that really hot boy/girl look at me through love spells. Those are, in fact, pseudo-religions.
    But it’s kind of insulting to those of us who have been pursuing our faith for over a decade.

  7. June 28, 2005 at 10:11 am

    THANK YOU, Marissa!

    Let’s see: Came out (a year ago this May! go me). Eat organic when feasible. Studying Wicca since I was 15.

    Nope, still in Missouri. Damn! If I start drinking Starbucks, maybe that will magically transport me to California, Land of Latte-Drinking Libruls…lol

  8. Linnaeus
    June 28, 2005 at 11:17 am

    I think I’ve got you all beat. Since my typical order is a grande drip of whatever the daily grind is or the house blend if I like the place, the Oracle says that I am:

    Personality type: Lame

    You’re a simple person with modest tastes and a reasonable lifestyle. In other words, you’re boring. Going to Starbucks makes you feel sophisticated; you’d like to be snooty and order an espresso but aren’t sure if you’re ready for that level of excitement. People laugh at you because you use fake curse words like “friggin'” and “oh, crumb!” Everyone who thinks America’s Funniest Home Videos is a great show drinks grande drip.

    Also drinks: V8
    Can also be found: On the couch at home

    Anyone who knows me knows that I don’t use fake curse words.

  9. Blitzgal
    June 28, 2005 at 1:05 pm

    I wouldn’t take anything it says all that seriously as I tried many different combinations and all of them were insulting. Order something complicated and you’re “arrogant and high maintenance” and “everyone is plotting to kill you.” Order something simple and you’re “lame and boring” and think that going to Starbucks is high culture–and everyone hates you. I think the whole thing is a joke on Starbucks, personally. That makes it kind of funny in my book.

  10. June 28, 2005 at 2:36 pm

    At least none of you were “clueless,” which is apparently the designation for us medium skim caramel latte lovers.

  11. June 28, 2005 at 3:29 pm

    Personality type: Asshat
    You carry around philosophy books you haven’t read and wear trendy wire-rimmed glasses even though you have perfect vision. You’ve probably added an accent to your name or changed the pronunciation to seem sophisticated. You hang out in coffee shops because you don’t have a job because you got your degree in French Poetry. People who drink doble espresso are notorious for spouting off angry, liberal opinions about issues they don’t understand.

    Also drinks: Any drink with a foreign name
    Can also be found at: The other, locally owned coffee shop you claim to like better

    It’s just… uncanny.

  12. June 28, 2005 at 3:30 pm

    That would have been slightly funnier if the accent acute had stayed on my last name.

  13. JenM
    June 29, 2005 at 10:26 am

    I”m not a pothead but have dated several, never ever do the chain email things especially the “send this to 5 strong women who are fabulous” when I receive them from friends. The Also Drink and Can Be Found at bottom is correct.

    Personality type: Pseudo-intellectual

    You’re liberal and consider yourself to be laid back and open minded. Everyone else just thinks you’re clueless. Your friends hate you because you always email them virus warnings and chain letters “just in case it’s true.” All people who drink tall chai latte are potheads.

    Also drinks: Sparkling water
    Can also be found at: Designer grocery stores

  14. Demetri
    June 29, 2005 at 2:50 pm

    Hmm:


    Personality type: Asshat

    You carry around philosophy books you haven’t read and wear trendy wire-rimmed glasses even though you have perfect vision. You’ve probably added an accent to your name or changed the pronunciation to seem sophisticated. You hang out in coffee shops because you don’t have a job because you got your degree in French Poetry. People who drink quadruple espresso are notorious for spouting off angry, liberal opinions about issues they don’t understand.

    Also drinks: Any drink with a foreign name
    Can also be found at: The other, locally owned coffee shop you claim to like better.

    All this because I like a lot of strong, bitter coffee? I don’t carry around philosophy books I haven’t read (at least not since finishing my undergrad degree in philosophy), I bang into things when I take (my trendy plastic-rimmed) glasses off (probably can’t see from reading all that philosophy). People have a difficult enough time with my name without me changing it up. I haven’t actually hung out in coffee shops for years – well I did last year for a bit when I moved my office hours off campus during the clerical workers strike, that was when I had a job. Now, well, I don’t have a job, but I thought that was the economy – I temp and adjunct, I’m not proud…. and I’m a historian. I also try not to talk about things I don’t understand unless a lot of questions are involved. Sheesh, what a mean creepy oracle.

    I kind of like the personality type title though, so there’s something.

    Man, what would happen if this oracle knew that my favorite summer drink is a Negroni (lots of strong, bitter liquor)?

    -Demetri

  15. June 30, 2005 at 3:23 pm

    I went through a dozen or so drinks and never found one that didn’t result in a paragraph of insults. I’m finding some subtle amusement in the notion of the Starbucks Oracle being contemptuous of anyone who actually drinks anything at Starbucks.

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