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Ever since Johnny Depp first appeared to me in a dream (in which we hung out at his parents’ house, who were Mormon, and he was the oldest of ten brothers and sisters all of whom named Fawn, and I was kicked out for smoking in the basement), Mr. Depp has become a dreamland benefactor. [...]

The kindly professor thought he was being clever with his “freak Lauren out by pretending to not freak her out” fish eggs thing, but Melanie takes the cake for inadvertenly scaring the crap out of me. Literally. I mean, I’m sitting in my own crap. The picture is that bad.