After this morning’s incident, you can only imagine my surprise when, at the store paying for a few small items, I reached into my purse for my wallet and found a turd.
“Is that what I think it is?” I asked Lori.
“Oh my God.”
The lady at the cash register gave us funny looks as we erupted into uncontrollable laughter. I finished paying and stepped outside. I opened my bag. It was indeed a turd, but not just any turd. It was obviously a cat turd, and not a fresh one. This small turd was petrified like a log and covered in hair.
“I think that’s only half a turd,” I told Lori on the way home.
“I don’t know, it looked like a whole turd to me,” Lori said. “It was pinched off on one end.”
“I think the other end was more broken, like there’s another half somewhere.”
We drove. I laughed. “I wonder if Ryan put it in there.” Which is, if you think about it, a pretty fucked up thing to put on your boyfriend. I left a message on his voicemail asking whether or not he put a turd in my bag.
Frankly, I don’t know.
Nonetheless the questions remain. How did the turd get in my purse? How did it go all the way from the basement, up the stairs, through several rooms, and over several pieces of furniture to get in my bag? Is it only half a turd? If so, where is the other half? How long has it been there? Which cat did it? And did he do it on purpose?
UPDATE: Ryan is mildly offended, but wholly amused, that I implicated him for the purse turd so I am required to make a public statement that my boyfriend did not put a turd in my purse. Happy now?
In the meantime I have earned the nicknames Poo Purse, Crap Handler, Crap Satchel and Fecal Fairy.
I have thought about this incident way too much over the last two days and have decided that it isn’t a big deal how it got there. What troubles me is all the places I went yesterday — the coffee shop, the store, out to lunch, class — with half a cat turd in my bag.
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Thanks for the laugh!! Hope you solve the mystery of the cat turd.
The mystery continues.
i find them in my pockets sometimes, my two kitties fondly and generously donate them as badges of revolutionary appreciation. they have TWO litterboxes that stay well swept, so i guess i shouldn’t take these talismans for granted…
Boy, Lauren, when you said you preferred to write about the “fluff”, you weren’t kidding.
I think.
Oh god, that is so awful and hilarious. I forwarded it to my crazy cat friend.
maybe it was a hairball – they look the same shape and colour, but it would explain the hairiness. And somehow it’s less disturbing to think of a cat puking in your purse…
Actually, Grass, it was certainly a turd and it was covered in blond hair. Being the only blonde in this house, and having recently dyed my hair, this dates the turd to being at least two weeks old.
The plot thickens…
wow, barfo-the-wonder-kitty still plays poo hockey (something you’d think he’d have grown out of well before turning 18) but he’s never managed (or thought) to hide one in a purse/book bag, etc.
I like how you think. This post gets 5 stars.
I’m guessing a cat put the turd in your bag. Max has an affection for putting small objects in my purse and in my shoes, though usually it’s just bottlecaps and his ball. But if you have turd burglar cats…..
Having seen that previous post showcasing Doug’s toilet papier maché skillz, could he possibly be the culprit? :)
Yuck!
Lucky plays turd soccer, and I’ve found his “toys” in the strangest places around here. I suspect one of your cats was playing turd soccer, and struck a goal when the turd landed in your purse.
Remember – cats can do no wrong. ;)
Who can resist the intrigue of the mysterious turd of mystery?!
Animals. Gotta love em.
Moose likes to leave sharp, partially chewed rawhides on the stairs and watch my fat ass tumble down them. Ever seen a St. Bernard laugh?
At least it was dry. ;)
(Countess, the idea of “turd soccer” is hilarious!)
Never underestimate a cat.
is your purse square-shaped? that’s nothing. today, the cable guy showed up to hook up our internet, knocked on the door, and the dog got so excited that he crapped on the stairs. a 74lb dog. that’s a lot of crap. it’s been a ’shitty’ week.
At least it was dry. It must have been somewhat mummified when it landed in your bag; otherwise, turd material would have been EVERYWHERE.
But still, the mystery: who put it there? BTW, is your cat one of those with six toes? Could the kitty paw be that dexterous?
Sounds vaguely familiar. We find petrified turd in the weirdest places. I do have to say I’m glad one of those places has never been my purse whilst paying for a purchase! LOL!
At least it was dried and petrified. Loved this post. But then again, I dig feculent humor!
On pins and needles waiting for the story behind this story–as in, how the hell did it get there:)
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