The Dark Room, Friday night, me and Anne and some other people. Standing against the wall, people-watching and chatting. Some guy comes over, starts talking to us. He starts out with the over-played, “Can I ask your opinion on something?” Eh, sure. “Would you date a three-foot-tall albino?” Um… what? Then he says:
“Hey, you’re cute. You look just like my little sister.”
So gross.
That was followed by someone else walking past us, making a claw with his hand and growling. Who are these people?
Now, your worst pick-up line ever. Go.
“You look just like my ex-wife!”
“Polka-dots are so last year!”.
come to think of it, i don’t think he was hitting on me.
The worst I’ve ever used: “I’m really attracted to you.”
Worked, though.
The worst ever used on me: my next-door neighbor in Oakland ten years ago, a married woman with four kids and lonely, and she had been drinking. I was working in the front garden. It was about one in the afternoon. She came out and started chatting, a little blurrily. I was trying to be nice. She put her hand on my shoulder. “So, are you and Becky married?”
I said yes.
She moved her hand to my chest. “Happily?”
Ugh.
Yelled out a car window at me, age 15, waiting on the street to meet a friend:
“Hey honey, you working tonight?”
Does that count as a pickup line?
Dan Savage, on picking up his partner Terry:
“‘You have a pretty mouth.’ Oh. My God. I sounded like the rapists in Deliverance.”
From my college days: “Did you go to [the name of his high school]? Oh you didn’t. Well, you look just this girl who went there.”
Shamefaced admission: a year later I went out with him and two years later I married him. So it can turn out that you can’t always judge a guy by his pathetic pickup lines.
In a club: “If you were mine, I would keep you in a house, in the dark where no one else could see you.” Uh, creepy?
Worst date line: After an hour over dinner of describing his various exploits traveling overseas (“I visited a brothel in Bangladesh, Mexico…etc….”) and describing his extraordinary ability to identify breast implants (“I just walk up to them and touch their chests…”), he wanted me to take him back to my apartment. Um, NO.
“Me and my wife have an open marriage.”
Suuuuuure you do.
Guy walks up to me at Crown & Anchor: “I can’t believe you’re drinking that shit. Let me buy you something decent.” And proceeds to get me a Heineken. Which made it worse, because if you’re going to try to impress me with an exotic/obscure beer, you should at least have an inkling what you’re talking about.
When I was about fifteen, I was smoking cigarettes in the elementary school playground one evening when he suddenly said “hey look” and pulled down his pants, showing me his limp little worm. Then he said, “now that we’ve seen each other’s genitals, maybe we should introduce them sometime”. Ew. Never mind that it didn’t make sense, he had never seen mine. Just ew.
And, Sally, there’s a street near my house where I get asked if I’m “working” all the time. Like whores knit at the bus stop while wearing staff shirts from the party store? Please.
Heineken!? That’s more like: “I can’t believe you’re drinking that shit. Let me buy you something I can afford to get you drunk on.”
Natalie: That kind of screws the guys who actually are in open marriages, though, doesn’t it?
The best bad-pick-up-line retort I ever heard was from a friend of mine. We were in a bar in Michigan, and he’d tossed back a few. This guy–drunk, not terribly attractive, several years (or decades) older–fed him some dumb line or other and he said, in this unbelievably bitchy voice:
(eyeroll) “Oh, yeah. I really want to have sex with you.”
What’s that one I used before I was clubbed into a Grade-3 concussion? Oh yeah, the concussion kind of took care of that memory.
As for being the recipient of the pass (a passee?), I think it was “Hey, you’re passed out on my car hood.” I felt violated after having heard it.
P.S. That’s funny, Amanda. He may have been employed by Heineken International.
There was a car accident near my house on New Year’s Eve one year. I lived right off of the highway. Anyway, I heard all of the ambulances and went down the road with my dog (in my pajamas) to check out what was going on.
Some dude started hitting on me. He actually used the line “Hey, you wanna go see them extract the bodies.”
There should be a question mark at the end of that bad line. As in (and I do so love to repeat it) “Hey, you wanna go see them EXTRACT the BODIES?”
“Excuse me, have you seen my colostomy bag?”
“Uh … no.”
“No, no, I mean have you seen it? Check it out, top of the line!”
Me: “Sorry, I’m married.”
Him: “That’s okay, so I am I!”
I’m really bad at identifying these — probably because I don’t use them. The only thing I can think of is the time I was drinking alone at The Cowgirl in Santa Fe. I was there to see this amazing bluegrass band.
So, there are these three thirtysomething women are standing in front of me and one turns to me and asks, in reference to one of her friends, “Do you think Mary has man hands?”
I could only muster up, “No, I don’t think so. They look positively feminine.” I was twenty at the time. No fake ID, either. Go figure.
So, do you like Triumph?
(oops… that should say “so am I!” I blame the cat.)
“Is that your real hair?”
(From a list of bad pick up lines published by the University of Washington Daily back in the early ’80s when I was a student at the U of W. I’ve deployed that line many times since then, though not as a pick-up line.)
An hour into a blind date: “Guess what! I can fellate myself!”
That kind of screws the guys who actually are in open marriages, though, doesn’t it?K/I>
Most of them know better than to lead off that way, though.
Lauren,
I can’t believe you didn’t marry that guy.
Worst pick-up line ever:
“Hi, my name is John Bolton…”
He’s an aspiring screenwriter. Should he ever become famous I’m totally selling that story.
An hour into a blind date: “Guess what! I can fellate myself!”
Holy … have we … have we met?
And I call bs on John Bolton – he may not have much fashion sense, but that no-nonsense attitude and monster ‘stache drives the ladies wild. They may not admit it, but …
I can’t possibly help but imagine the results if he “writes what he knows.”
Auguste: I think we saw it, when Dante and Randall were driving to the funeral home in Clerks.
“Do you have a boyfriend?”
This is a serious pet peeve of mine. It suggests that some other guy’s claim on me is more of an issue than whether *I’m* interested, or that some other guy’s claim on me is the only issue and it doesn’t matter if I’m interested–if I’m single, I’m available, since there’s no guy he’s stealing from.
My response: “Yes, shall I give you his name and description so you know not to hit on him?” Watch him furiously deny that he’s gay (this type of person almost always thinks there’s something wrong with that), and tell him, “Well, what was I supposed to think? You asked about him.” Let him clarify that it’s to see if I’m available. Tell him that whether I have a boyfriend or not has nothing to do with my being “available,” and snap at him for confusing “available” with “interested,” and explain that I don’t go out with people so obviously sexist as to give someone else more say than me as to whether his attentions are acceptable.
My response to “If you were mine, I would keep you in a house, in the dark where no one else could see you.” : Thank Gods I’m not yours. And I feel sorry for anyone who ever *is* so unfortunate as to be yours.
My response to “Me and my wife have an open marriage.” : I’ll believe it when I hear it from her.
My response to “I can’t believe you’re drinking that shit. Let me buy you something decent.” : I can’t believe you think *your* opinions should dictate what *I* drink. I’ll choose my own damn drinks, thank you very much!
You have just witnessed the only compensation to the existance of pickup lines: the ability to call bullshit on them in creative ways. Very satisfying.
“Nice buns!”
‘Cept it might not have counted because I was dressed as a Subway sandwich at the time. Then again, he could have been a plushie or food fetishist.
“If you didn’t drink, you’d be my perfect wife.”
Norb: I don’t buy it. Kevin Smith is far too rotund. Unless by “what he knows”, you’re saying he spent an awful lot of time in Tijuana – at the really out of the way places..
On second thought, you’re probably right.
Ugh. John Bolton’s mustache driving the ladies wild?
I may never have oral sex again.
I saw a personals ad once that began–I swear to God–”I have herpes, but it’s not the end of the world!”
What’s even worse: apparently this involved months of intensive stretching exercises.
I dunno, Lauren. Women usually like guys who set goals and achieve them.
You’re really sending mixed messages here.
I was going to put the one from the poet guy that I blogged about back when I blogged, but then I remembered this one:
“Damn, you’re hot! But you know what? You’d be so much hotter with a tan. Yeah, I’d take you home if you was tan. You should try this place my wife goes…”
My worst pickup attempt ever: a guy told me at length about how God had sent him messages through changing streetlights, etc., telling him to pursue some ex-girl friend of his, now living in a place unknown to him, and something like a couple of states away from where he was.
And this was followed by mentioning that I reminded him of her, and, you know, I looked romantic sitting next to that pillar.
I excused myself to go inside (this was at a college student house, where I was visiting a friend and Mr. Truly Scary Pickup Attempt was visiting his brother), went to my friend, and said, “Drive me home right away. Do not worry about my bike – I’ll find some way to collect it later. And please make sure no one in this house ever gives this guy a clue where I live.”
Scene: Small smelly elevator, going up. Myself and one other man enduring the long ride up a few flights.
Man: “So, do you want me to be your boyfriend?”
Me: “Uh, what?”
Silence.
I don’t think expanding one’s masturbatory techniques really counts as setting goals, otherwise women would be throwing themselves at any guy who’s put a hollowed-out cantaloupe in a microwave.
[Sorry, I had to.]
Jill, now that I think about it, the passerby you witnessed reminds me of a lame joke. Lameness and inability to be properly told on the internet aside, here goes:
What winks and fucks like an animal?
(at which point the joke-teller winks. bonus points if one is corny enough to punctuate with a claw hand.)
Oh man.
Is there some kind of a book these guys are reading? I clearly grew up among the wrong friends.
Actually, I guess our lack of in-depth discussions of “masturbatory techniques” kind of makes them the right friends.
How about GOOD pickup lines? (Or, to borrow from AndiF, pickup lines that worked, good or bad.)
My best (OK, OK – only) success to date, after a night of talking: “I’m really enjoying talking with you. But I think I’d rather be kissing you.”
Umm…by the way…is that, like, half a cantaloupe? Or a whole one with a hole drilled in it?
My…um…friend wants to know.
Whilst I totally agree with your sentiment Kyra about you being some type of possession, I think that is like the line after the line that is after the pick-up line – it’s not nice to get with a guy that already is taken so I think it is good to check their relationship status – just not in a possessive manner.
Worst pick-up line?
“Was your father a thief? ‘Cause someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.”
My response? Spray the drink I was drinking all over him and then basically choke almost to death because I was laughing so hard – I thought that crap line only occurred in the movies.
Not having ever tried this myself, I think you should give it a go and report back to us.
Well, I would, but when one gets married, one has to give up certain things that one might enjoy for the happiness of one’s partner.
Yep, you guessed it. My wife is allergic to cantaloupe.
Ew.
Whoa!
I was trying to figure out where the “ew” came from. Then I re-read my comment.
I was going for “so we can’t have any around the house.” I see where your mind is, though.
:)
I asked her if she wanted to go home with me.
she said, “what if we sleep together and I really like you and start obsessing over you and want to call you all the time?”
“well that’s ok,” I said, “I just won’t tell you my name or give you my phone number.”
You know, the shitty thing is, it worked…
Just read that as a general “ew.”
I have single-handedly taken this comment thread into the gutter. My sincerest, totally-not-dirty-minded apologies.
Me riding my bike down the bike path…. “Ring Ring” goes my bell… and I smile.
Girl doesnt look. Nothing happens. I question my own logic anyway.
Said in a dark room, by a drunk young man who came up and put his arm round me…
“Well hello, are you attractive?”
Written in a note to a friend, by someone with bad english (we suspect it was written by someone else and he wasn’t fully aware of what it said)
“I want to storm your love palace with my purple battering ram”
purple!
How about GOOD pickup lines? (Or, to borrow from AndiF, pickup lines that worked, good or bad.)
Robert, that pickup didn’t work — it would have to into the pickup lines that you were finally willing to ignore category. However, it does have a place of honor in the ‘things I wish I’d never said’ page of our memento marriage album.
Really, the pickup lines that I’ve always liked are characterized by not being lines: “Hi, my name’s Robert. I saw you from across the room and I think you’re really cute. How are you this evening?”
There was a girl who came up to me at the end of a party this weekend and said, “I didn’t get your number.” That worked, but it wouldn’t have if she’d taken herself any more seriously.
And I have a weakness for obvious dorks who ask me long, complicated questions when the music’s blasting so hard I can’t hear more than every third word. “____________ you at __________ premiere ______________ weekend__________ think of ____________ Von Trier? ____________ kind of a douche.”
Actually, I like dorks in general. The more embarrassed and bashful and shy the asker is, the more likely I am to go, “Awwwwwww!” If it’s painfully clear that hitting on me is a spasm of courage that took hours to work up to, I will recognize a kindred spirit and respond accordingly.
HOW DID WE GET HERE
AND THE TITANIC SHIP OF STATE SALES ON Many icebergs lurk just outide the BAY OF CONFUSION. . . . WHAT will we run into today? . . . noted as MISQUOTED . . . Investigator INVESTIGATED for not
“Psst Psst”
I’m still trying to figure out why anyone would respond to that.
This exchange was carried out while I was walking down the sidewalk one evening with a group of friends. Some guys were aproaching us and as our groups were passing one fellow looked at me and said:
Him: Nice outfit.
Me: Thanks.
Him: Wanna fuck?
Me: No thanks.
And we all just kept on walking.
A friend in high school asked a girl on the boardwalk “how long did it take you to grow your beautiful hair?”
Her response:”A hell of alot longer than you’ll know me.”
Perfect.
Guy stops me on the street:
“Excuse me, do you have the time?”
“Yeah, it’s … 3:30″
“Wanna go out sometime?”
Sometimes bad lines happen because a person can’t restrain himself. This woman I met did look like my ex-girlfriend and she did have the same mannerisms. And it took me all of my energy not to say, “you remind me of my ex-girlfriend.”
Ones that actually worked– “interesting jewelry”, “what are you reading?” [in bars], to the woman who walked into the party with her own bottle of vodka-and-oj: “what? our alcohol isn’t good enough for you?”, at a halloween party: “what are you dressed as?” “Nice shoes” is an old standby, but I’ve never actually used it.”
As far as good pickup lines, no, there aren’t any. Otherwise we’d be hearing stories like this:
“And then he said, ‘That’s a nice dress. It’d look even nicer crumpled up in the corner of my room.’ And you know what? He was right!“
“Hi, ever read the blog Needlenose? I’m Swopa.”
A sailor actually said to me:
“Wanna go somewhere and watch the typhoon?”
If I see someone, and I am interested in her, then chances are I like how she is dressed. My pick up line is always, ALWAYS, a sincere compliment about the girls clothes (complimenting looks is too forward), followed by “where did you get X, blah blah.”. Usually followed by names and “what do you do?” or “do you want a drink?” 80% of the time it gets me a shot with the person, which, I think, is all the work a pick up line can do really.
In fact, I am not even sure it is a pick up line, since I compliment girls on their clothes even when I am not interested in them.
Line I heard in my early twenties: I am sitting on a barstool with a girlfriend in a local smoke-filled pub, and some guy behind us pipes up: “You girls smell really clean!”
I turned around to look at him. “What kind of a line is that?”
“An honest line, man! You girls smell like you take a lot of baths.”
I had no reply. Turned back to the bar and my friend and I exchanged glances. And laughed about it later.
But that come-on has stuck in my head for twenty-plus years, and I’ve yet to hear something to top it.
Aside from all of the general yelling, hooting, & hollering that I get walking down the street [thankfully my iPod drowns it all out, now], the worst interaction happened at work. I’m a college student & I work a shitty retail job, for which I have to tuck in an extremely unflattering shirt in a way that makes it look like I have a huge ass stomach.
Enter scary ass customer.
HIM: Is it a girl or a boy?
ME: I beg your pardon?
HIM: Is it a girl or a boy?
ME: [irritated as all fuck] I’m not pregnant.
HIM: Oh . . . . because I think pregnant women are SOOO sexy.
So, uh, if I gave you my number, would you call me?
ME: No.
HIM: Oh, you’ve got a boyfriend, then.
Yeah, because the ONLY reason I wouldn’t call YOUR creepy ass is because I’m dating someone else.
My response to “I can’t believe you’re drinking that shit. Let me buy you something decent.” : I can’t believe you think *your* opinions should dictate what *I* drink. I’ll choose my own damn drinks, thank you very much!
How about: “You’re just SO right. It’s much better for pouring on assholes!” (then do so)
Actual, honest-to-God line:
Have you read de Sade’s La Philosophie dans la Boudoire? I’d be glad to lend you my copy.
– And I was thinking: you are actually hitting on me by asking me if I like the work of someone best known as the original sadist?
A good one: when I was in college, just before hallowe’en, we had all been carving pumpkins. Some of them were pretty odd — there was one we had nicknamed ‘Thorazine’, for instance — and we had put them in a big living room with candles in them. Otherwise it was dark, which is why I thought I was sitting by myself in the corner, when in fact my soon to be boyfriend, who I had never met before, was within earshot. And so, not knowing anyone was there, I said to myself: All this place needs for atmosphere is a pile of napalmed Barbie dolls…
Suddenly I heard this burst of laughter from a few feet away. I was embarrassed. But apparently he was taken by what I said, which just goes to show that no matter how odd you are, there’s always someone odder.
I don’t know. I think “Hi. Are you attractive?” is pretty great.
p.s. Lauren — re famous screenwriter: I bet you can’t name one (directors, actors or writers who are characters in scripts don’t count, I say).
This didn’t work but it was one of the best pickup attempts I ever experienced:
I’m walking down the street one hot summer day when a convertable with both males and females in it pulls alongside. The guy on the passenger side says, in a happy, friendly voice, “You know what you look like?” I, of course, say no and he says “You look like you want to go swimming with us.”
“Baby, are those space pants? Because your ass looks out of this world!”
Incidentally, I think the only conceivable response to “Guess what! I can fellate myself!” is something along the lines of, “You’ll have to.”
I’ve been trying to comb my brain for other horrible one-liners I’ve heard, but auto-fellatio really takes the cake for me. I’ve gotten a few “nice shoes” and “nice hair” but I just say thank you and keep going about my business.
One horrible line that actually worked on one of my friends: “Hey, you wanna go do it?” I guess brutal honesty and straight-forwardness work for some people.
Okay, just remembered another.
The scene: Campus bar, sitting on stools playing a touchscreen game with a friend while waiting for another friend to get off of work. Two drunken alumni walk past and swivel back around:
“Hey, did that hurt?”
“What.”
“Your tattoo. Did it hurt?”
“Yeah, it’s a tattoo.”
“It’s really big. Can we see the whole thing?”
“No.” Placement of this tattoo means that if one wants to see the whole thing that pants have to come down.
“If I buy you a drink will you show it to me?”
“No.”
“Please?”
At this point I finally turned around. “How old are you? Is your wife here?”
At which point they left me alone.
And then there’s always this. And this.
I just remembered this one, from when I was fifteen and visiting relatives. I swear I am not making this up. Guess where his eyes were fixed the entire time?
“Baby, you’re two cans of Alpo and I’m one lovesick little puppy!”
I don’t like telling people about it, because then they nod sagely and say, “No wonder you had a sex-change.”
Oh, and “You’ve got great eyes!” without ever once actually looking at my face.
Kyra–
Oh my god. This is so irritating to me, also. When I was still in high school and would have skeezy guys hit on me at the gym, I always used to pull out the line, “Oh, I have a boyfriend. Sorry.” Then I met a guy who just kept going. “Oh really? Maybe I could give you my number in case you two break up or something.” No no, that’s OK. “Does he live around here?” etc etc. I ended up in this really elaborate lie about my non-existent boyfriend. When I thought back on it later that day, I realized how pissed off it made me to not just be able to say no thanks. Seriously. I didn’t even know the guy–why did I feel the need to shield his feelings? (Yes, this was one of those feminist awakening moments for me.)
Now it’s something of a thing with me to never give the excuse of having a boyfriend to brush a guy off. (Much to the consternation of my friends and my boyfriend. But dammit, it’s the principle of it.) And the things that they’ll say back to you… my god. It’s eye-opening, to say the least.
Doubt the existence of the patriarchy? Go to a club, have some guy ask you to dance, and just smile and say “no thanks.” Watch the fireworks that ensue.
It has always been my experience that if a woman is attracted to you, any stupid pick up line that you can come up with will “work”. If they are not attracted to you, there is nothing in heaven or earth that you could say that will change that.
As far as women picking me up? They all pretty much have me at hello (sorry, sucker for hackneyed movie lines).
“Is your friend with anybody? Is she is, you wanna dance?”
Make that “Ifshe is”
I was staying with a girl I knew while visiting her city for something else. It was a Friday night, and she went out with her roommate, whose birthday it was. I stayed in and read and went to sleep. At 4 am I was awakened by the sound of the girl’s roommate vomiting in the restroom while the girl held her hair back. Both were very drunk.
I waited until they were done and I went to go use the bathroom. While I was urinating the girl I was staying with just barged into the bathroom and said, drunkenly, “I’m gunna fuck you so hard.” I just stood there terrified in front of the toilet, as the sound of my piss trickling into the toilet filled the silence.
Sad but true; back in college from a friend who was feeling lonely. [Imagine this being said in a nasal whine]:
“I need company. I need company with breasts.”
I think he continued with a litany of other body parts (I seem to recall mention of my “legs”) but I think I must be blocking the rest of the conversation from memory.
From a skeezy looking dude in a car, as I was walking along the sidewalk:
“Are you a ballerina?” (Pause) “Because you have really good posture!”
wtf?
Oh, and in Whole Foods once:
Him: What’s that?
Me: That’s a leek.
Him: What do you use leeks for?
Me: Soup.
Him: (pause) So… would you like to teach me to make soup sometime?
It was actually sort of sweet, but being hit on by total strangers tends to weird me out, even so.
Bow chicha bow wow…
Feministe has a great post about the worst pick up lines. In the spirit of that, I suggest we list the best lines that got you in bed. What line got you laid? Wh
“my girlfriend’s in prison…wanna dance?”
Best pick up line: “How do you like your eggs?” If they have to think about WTF that means, then you don’t wanna bang them. That was the advice of my very good friend when we used to go clubbing in the 80s.
So I tell this story to a good friend, whose roomate I was seeing. One day my boyfriend went to work and I was sleeping in when my buddy opened the door and said “so, how do you like your eggs?” I opened one eye, said “sterile” and went back to sleep. He laughed all the way to the kitchen, where he made us breakfast and coffee. It was at that moment that I realized I was dating the wrong guy.
An ex-gf of mine told me about going to a bar and some guy using the line, “Arm-wrestle ya for a beer.” The woman in question is quite small (5’2, ~50k) and the guy was fairly large and muscle-y, so she says, “So basically, what you’re saying is, ‘buy me a beer.’”
About ten minutes later, she suddenly realizes this is an awesome pick-up line… for her. I don’t think she’s ever actually used it, but she was thrilled with the concept of approaching a 4×4 square butch (which is where her taste in women runs) and saying, in her cute little femmy voice, “Arm-wrestle ya for a beer?”
I was sitting at the bar in a nice restaurant that I frequented for a while. Two attractive women were sitting at the opposite corner. I caught one of them pass me a fleeting smile. I called the bartender over (whom I knew quite well) and asked him to convey a message to the woman who smiled. I told him to tell her that the gentleman at the other end of the bar would like to buy her an automobile.
She practically fell off her stool laughing, came over and asked if I was up for a Mercedes. We wound up dating for a good, long time.
I do usually fall back on the fake boyfriend mentioned in other comments b/c I don’t like to deal with angry men. I’ve also resorted to hiding in closets – once at the workplace, other times at parties – not proud of this but all I can think to do is hide.
One time I did lose my temper after this guy knew his attempts were failing and said “I bet if I was rich and drove a nice car you’d go out with me.” I looked at him and yelled “OH MY GOD are you calling me a whore?!?!”
“Did you eat Frosted Flakes this morning? Because you look Gr-r-r-r-eat!
The best I ever overheard has got to be this one, though:
“Do you know what my two favorite letters in the alphabet are? You and me. I mean I! Wait, come back!”
Him: “Are you a college student?”
Me: “No.” Go back to reading paper.
Him: “Did you just graduate from college?”
Me: “No.” Repeat going back to reading paper.
Him: “Did your college have an affirmative action policy?”
Me: “Dunno.” (They did, but I didn’t want to get into it.)
Him: “What are you reading?”
Me: “What? I’m sorry, II wasn’t listening to you because ‘m READING THE PAPER.”
Truly, I wished for a meteor to fall through the train and take his sorry ass out.
“You know, I just got an artificial hip”
Me and my friend are at this bad party chatting when some guy comes up
Guy: “Hey, you girls making out?”
Us: Confused stare.
Guy: “You wanna make out with me?”
He urned out to be an undertaker.
At a bar once a man wearing a large cowboy hat and belt-buckle came up to me and said: “Do you like utes (pick-up trucks)?”
Me: “uh, no.”
Cowboy: “You sure? Because mine is parked outside and we could go for a ride?”
Then he kept following me around and trying to put his hat on me, which is apparently Australian cowboyese for “you belong to me”.
It got very creepy by the end of the night and I had to sneak out of the bar while my friends staged a diversion.
“You look like the kind of woman I wouldn’t mind having have my children someday.”
There is so much wrong with it, I don’t even know where to begin.
My brother-in-law, who is an aerospace engineer and, at the time, worked for NASA, once used the line, “Hey, babe, I’m a rocket scientist.” It didn’t work, partly because he used it on a woman he’d been chatting with for 15 minutes or so and they had more or less already concluded that they weren’t meant for each other. On the other hand, when he told my sister about this failed pick-up line, she fell off her chair laughing and did go out with him. They’ve now been married for 17 years and have three kids, so I suppose in a sense it did work for him in the end.
I’m partial to “you like to party?”
cuz you find out pretty much right away if she’s the type to fuck you for a couple bumps of toot.
I was about 15, walking down the street in Philadelphia, and this young man sitting on a trash can said, “Mmm…mmm. Gimme them big jugs o’ milk, mama.” That was really appealing.
In later years, I was out with a group of friends and this guy told me that I “must be the mother figure” of the group. I don’t think he was trying to pick me up.
When I started dating women, I think one of the few pickup lines I ever heard was, “Nice Fluevogs.” It would have worked if she hadn’t been drunk out of her mind.
It’s not punchy, but “Hi, I’m Matt” has roughly a 2% rate of response. One must, of course, say this while being skinny and pale. Not that I’m complaining. . . .
Actually, I was thinking that I’ve never been on the receiving end of a pick up line, and then I remembered this classic: “Hey, do you do drugs?”
Also (spoken by a female): “My friend really likes you. Why don’t you talk to her? ‘Cause if you don’t, I’m gonna kick your ass.”
The minister at my father’s wedding had a hearing device that beeped quietly if you got close to it. I know this because he hugged me repeatedly during the wedding reception, pressed it against my neck and said:
“Do you hear that? You are turning me ON.”
I was 14 at the time. Yuck! Thinking about it now still gives me the creeps.
Dang. VR, I think you win.
I have several that are in contention.
“Forgive me for coming up to you like this, but I feel like I know you since I’ve seen you in my dreams”
Pass the sick bag, please…
“Your boobs are amazing. Are they real?”
Well, yes, not that you’ll ever have the opportunity to find out.
AND, in response to a request for directions to Trafalgar Square
“I don’t know about that, but I can give you directions to my bedroom, sweetheart”
The last one caused 18-year-old me to laugh so hard my eyes started watering. The guy who came up with the zinger in question was very embarrased since his buddy was sitting next to him and never let him live it down. Ah, good times…
I have six large dragon tatoos, so I often get approached with the line: “Did those hurt?”
I have a standard response to that query: “No, I’m a lesbian.”
I’m not a lesbian, but the look on most of the men’s faces are worth it!
In a local pub, I was once called over to be the fake significant other of a female friend of mine in order to drive off a persistent drunk. As I walked up to them, he was saying: “So, do you like my clothes?”
The “watch them extract the bodies” line pretty much wins so far, though.
The only one I remember ever hearing, er, seeing, was completely non-verbal. I spent my college days hanging out at RHPS instead of clubbing, so I guess I missed out on the really bad ones.
(P wears all black, blouse and wrap skirt both closed in the front. BD approaches.)
BD: (gestures for P to stand)
P: (Gets up, looking sonfused)
BD: (surveys her briefly, then gestures side to side)
P: (Looks confused, then appears to see the figurative lightbulb, and opens both skirt and blouse to reveal “floor show” costume) [anyone who's seen RHPS while even half-sober will know that that entails]
BD: (Stands back and surveys the situation for a moment, then gives a thumbs up sign)
And yes, it worked. We dated for 2 years until he started telling me that my depression wasn’t a “real problem” because it was “all in my head” (well, yes, that’s part of the definition of depression, but still)
Standing in a checkout line at a grocery store, the lady behind me says “you look just like my third husband.”
I ask how many times she has been married and she replies, “twice.”
Didn’t work but I had to laugh.
(I take it RHPS means “Rocky Horror Picture Show”.)
So back in the day, I asked a woman on the Metro “Do you have the time?”, and she said, rather sharply it seemed, “Yes.” I thought then she was just being rude, but a painfully long time later, I realized, witless fool that I was, maybe she wasn’t. (And no, I actually wanted to know the time, but if she had had time for me, I would have had time for her.)
Here’s the best pickup line ever:
“You must be a grain of sand between 62.5 and 125 μm, because according to the Wentworth scale of sediment size, you are FINE.”
Still waiting for the perfect opportunity to use it, though.
I had a friend who regularly used “Nice ass, can I wear it home as a hat.” Strangely, it seemed to work for her too.
Another friend claimed to use “Would you like to be sodomized?” He said it didn’t work often, but when it did it was worth all the rejections :)
I never saw that one work personally, probably glad of that.
Hee. I know a half-dozen dorks who would totally make out with you if you approached them with that line.
Does your shirt have a tag? ah, made in Heaven just like you!
Are you tired? Because you have been running through my mind all day.
That dress looks nice, of course it would look better on my bedroom floor.
I’ve always thought of pickup lines as tools for those unskilled in the art of conversation. There is simply no substitute for being well-versed, well-read and well-rounded – AND being able to read spoken and unspoken cues. In other words, knowing when she’s not interested.
The worst – or best, I’m not sure – pickup line I’ve heard was while me and my bandmates (all 20-somethings) were on the road. The opening act was an older – like late 60s – woman jazz singer who called us out from the stage and said:
“There are the boys who’ll be playing later. I’m going to take them home and cook them breakfast, if you know what I mean.”
I haven’t been on the receiving end of too many pick-up lines, but these are memorable:
Scene: Ann Arbor, Michigan. Summer. Sitting in front of U-M’s union.
He (salt-and-pepper haired older man): “You interested in a blow job tonight?”
Me: “No.” (not adding the “not from you” that I was tempted to say)
He (nodding head): “Okay.”
Scene: Mid-fall party at some guy’s really cool outdoor spread. Sun is down, the fire is going, and I’ve just finished a game of euchre.
She (my euchre partner): “I would totally hit on you.”
Me: “Then why don’t you?”
Guess she didn’t like that, because she didn’t talk to me again that night.
“You look tired – wouldn’t you like to lie down?”
Of course I was the one stupid enough to be sitting in his dorm room talking to him.
The things you learn in college!
“Do you work exclusively on Lacan?”
I think the most interesting pick-up line story I’ve got is as follows.
I was at a fashion show last year, talking with my friend D, who is pretty obviously gay. And as we’re standing there talking, another gay man approaches us and says hello and then turns to me and says “That girl over there was wondering if you were gay or straight.”
Would have worked too, except for the fact that my then girlfriend was sitting right behind me.
Jeff is right. That is the ultimate pick up line. :) Back in the single days, it would have totally worked on me. (I have a soft spot for geeks, what can I say?)
Worst lines I’ve received:
- If you grew your hair longer, you’d look more like my mom.
Okay, granted, that was in high school, and we were already dating. He was sweet and very talented, if extremely Oedipal, and we were probably dating because his very cool mom liked me.
- If you wore overall shorts, you’d look more like Brittany Spears.
Again, dating already. (I know. I could really pick’em.) Um, I look almost as much like Brittany Spears as Lauren Bacall does. That one didn’t last two long after that.
Best pick up
It wasn’t a line at all. I really picked up a guy once with just a come-hither crook of my finger. On an airplane. I’d spotted him in the lounge reading Milan Kundera. The pick up moment was like a scene from a Bond movie or something. I felt like the ultimate femme fatale. :) Turned out to be a Scottish architect. Also turned out to be one helluva weekend.
Shaula, I spent 4 months reading Proust in the train coming home from work. I’m an architect! (though not Scots..) Where the hell were you?
A guy, when I was in high school at a big national competition, asked me where I was from. I said, “Brooklyn!” (Perky, cute, all that. I enjoyed the male attention, I sure didn’t get a lot of it.) He said, “That’s near Rhode Island, right?” Um, no- IT’S NEW YORK CITY, IDIOT!!”
But the guy at the SAT prep course took the cake. I’m standing there in a just under the knee skirt, and a sleeveless turtleneck, and he asks me, “So, what high school do you go to?” I say, “[Insert name of Girls' Catholic school]” He says, “Your Catholic?! I thought you were Orthodox!” (Because of the red hair, and the long skirt, but what Orthodox Jewish woman would be wearing a sleeveless shirt in public. Puh-leeze.)
“Prove it to me, recite the Hail Mary!”
“I know it in three languages, French, English, and Latin. Which do you want?”
[idiot has to readjust his brain patterns, this is not what he expects]
“[Girls' High School], eh? I’ve been with every girl from that school.”
[I see my mom's car pull up.]
“Every girl but one!”
*laugh* Beautiful takedown. Beautiful.
And kudos on the sleeveless turtleneck. For some reason, I really like that look.
He says, “Your Catholic?! I thought you were Orthodox!” (Because of the red hair, and the long skirt, but what Orthodox Jewish woman would be wearing a sleeveless shirt in public. Puh-leeze.)
Uh, in the context of his statement he probably meant Orthodox Christian. Which actually wouldn’t be too much of a stretch in Brooklyn if you were taking the SAT prep class in Bay Ridge (Greek) or Brighton Beach (Russian).
There is a bar in Copnehagen (Denmark) called Australian Bar, which has nothing to do with with Australia (except they sell Fosters), and no Australians I know off hang out there.
Once I was there with two of my female friends, and while I was up getting beers for all of us, two young guys sat down and started hitting on them. My friends are from Poland and Lithuania, and it basicly went like this:
Guys: “Hi, we’re from Australia” (said with heavy Danish accent)
My friends: “Uhmmm, ok.”
Guys: “Like the bar”
My friends: “Ok”
Guys: “Ever been to Australia”
etc. etc.
At some stage I came back, and one of my friends introduced me as their Australian friend (strictly speaking I’m only half-Australian). This was the time the guys decided that they needed to go to the bar.
It’s not really a pick-up line, but my mom was just telling me about a telephone call she got.
Mom: Hello?
Guy: Hi, is Shelly there?
Mom: No, I think you have the wrong number.
Guy: Are you sure?
Mom: Um…
Guy: There’s no one named Shelly there?
Mom: No. Nobody named Shelly lives here.
Guy: Really? I met her last night at a party. She gave me her number. She’s 18 and she’s really hot. You’re sure she’s not there?
How about….
Should I call you in the morning or nudge you?
Is your father a farmer? Because you sure do have some nice melons!
You’re so hot, you melt the elastic in my underwear.
I’ve lost my phone number, can I have yours?
I’ll give you a nickel if you tickle my pickle.
Pick-up lines suck: http://www.adventures-of-a-pua.com/2005/09/pickup_lines_suck.html
Natural conversation is much better…
Brad
“I’ve never been this close to a girl before” still is the worst I’ve heard.
But then, he was fifteen at the time (and I was seventeen), and he sat with his arms and legs around my waist.