I really love being misrepresented, misread, and misquoted on a daily basis, so much so that I’m hosting a contest.
I will PayPal FIVE WHOLE DOLLARS to the person who can best skew the following into a misandrist, racist, anti-capitalist, whinin’-liberal, AmeriKKKa-hatin’ statement:
If I don’t count the time I asked my five-year-old playmate to kiss me in my closet, at which point he told me he was “too young to make love,” my first kiss was at my first boy-girl party playing Truth or Dare. The boy, Shane, licked my face. I thought we were going for a peck, Shane thought we were going for the infamous french kiss. Everyone laughed and I was horrified, then he became my boyfriend for two whole weeks. We were the talk of 5th grade.
Five dollars can buy you a lot of things: a gallon of gas, a pack of cigarettes, or a gold star. Big prize on the horizon for you folks. Submissions taken until 12am midnight tomorrow.
Dumb question, maybe: You want it rewritten in that fashion? Or simply “fisked” as though you had made a misandrist, racist, etc. statement?
Because you don’t need to pay a fiver to get the latter. Jeff G. will do it for you for free!
Whatever you want to do — I’ll take anything effective.
Wow, pretty hypocritical for you to talk about the problem of male violence against women when you tried to take advantage of a five-year-old boy you cornered in a closet.
And I would posit that your initial rejection of “Shane” is also tantamount to a rejection of the traditional American values embodied by Shane, such as Manifest Destiny and the right to bear arms.
I bet you don’t even cry at the last line: “Shane! Come back!”
Commie.
Also, if it helps that I’m sitting around feeling sorry about my sore throat and mending it with coffee and a steady string of glam rock ballads, feel free to fit that in there too.
Oh shit. I thought I had a chance at this, but no way I’m topping that.
Way to ruin the contest, Hubris. Couldn’t you have held out for a few hours?
Hubris is gonna be tough to beat.
Why, is linear time too patrirarchal for you?
I notice you’re not saying how old you were.
You know, SADDAM had closets too. But no, all you can talk about is American closets. I wish someone would take all you liberals with all your violent, anti-democratic, eliminationist rhetoric, and lock you all up in camps. The Democrat Party needs to nuke its base.
And so another poor American boy-child is wimpified by the man-hating gender feminist agender.
Have you ever noticed why liberals always pick “dare”? It’s because they can’t face the TRUTH!!!1
(or)
Have you ever noticed why liberals always pick “truth”? It’s because they’re COWARDS afraid of a little DARE!!!1!1
A peck, huh?
Knowing who he was dealing with, he probably knew you’d refuse a Freedom kiss.
And then you dragged his sorry ass into court for child suppport.
Wait a minute. Aren’t you a lesbian?
Shannon Elizabeth comments on a post by Feministe’s “Lauren” arguing that because those involved in the closet incident were “too young to make love” (which would come as a surprise to those that declared a kissing fight at Gymboree, then attacked the opposite sex with cootie-filled kisses), but was instead a simple act of childish tomfoolery, it is not worthy of being commemorated by the inaptly-named “first kiss.”
Elizabeth: “Gee. And I thought I was an uninformed bimbo.”
Here’s my entry [PLEASE note that everything, including spelling and punctuation, is deliberate. DO NOT send me emails decrying my lack of intellectual and grammar elitist cred. I've got cred all over me].
Lauren, I am appaled by the thoughtless way with witch you shamelessly post about your secksual excapades right here on the internets where just anyone can see it and be influenced. When my fifteen year old daughter reads your posts and she knows you are a girl with a purported future, going to law school and all, she thinks it is okay and the big city way to just make out with any old person in a closet–and to urge the boy to “make love” when he clearly isn’t ready. This is the reasons that I am home-schooling my kids–you must realize that you and your liberal friends are teaching our children to think that any old age is fine to start flouting your secksuality all over the world and the webpages. Girls all over are going to be losing they’re virginity because of you! Don’t you care about the exsample you set? Do you see how you’re destructive secksual activities teach young girls that it is okay to let a boy who is not even your feeancay to lick your face and then you only stay with him for two weeks?
I realize you may not have had the precise and rightous upbringing in a Christian household that you should have but you are undercut my ability to rayse my kids without your godless oversexed influences! Now my daughter will think it is cool if all of the kids talk abouot her secsual excapades at boy girl parties and this will probly cause her to get an abortion and aids. No real decent man will want my daughter now, probly even once he knows she read your vile, whorish postings!
Please, please think if you will not about your own soul the exsample you set for others. If my daughter has her first kiss or a disease (now I really do need to think about that shot you were on about before) I can set it at your door and liberal platform of easy sex, kisses in closets and abortions on demand.
Lauren’s first kiss was, uh, “in the closet.” Huh, huh, huh, huh.
Miss Slutty Pants Lauren;
I see here from one of yur most recent writin’s on your feminazi blog that you liberul chicks start being tramps at a young age. Yes siree! No surprise there considering the nose dive our once wunderful traditionull family values has taken into the shitter since the pinko-commie hippies of the 60s overran this blessed country (John Wayne must be turning in his grave raight now).
Is it any wunder that we find ourselves in the mess we be in today when good god fearing Christians are not allowed to pray in schools, teach the truth about creation, or sell anything without the big government liberuls passing laws and stuff allowing women to vote, get time off for having babies when they should not be working in the first place and another thing, who let that danika chick drive race cars, she better not try that shit with NASCAR I tell ya.
.
Then theres the example of permissive liberul attitude about weddins and such. I mean a kiss before you were even boyfriend and girlfriend? Of course the entire liberul lack of com…. Commit…..(dammit where is my dictionary) commmitment is clear as the wart on my granny’s nose when you were only datin for two weeks. Two weeks! In 5th grade you could have so easily committed to the end of the school year.
This here Shane feller was a black boy by any chance? Would’t surprise me none.
You should find yerself a real feller Miss Slutty pants, someone who take you in firm hand and git you to church every Sunday. Remember it is never to late to let the Lord Jesus into heart.
God Bless y’all.
And you Ameriskanks wonder why more and more men are abandoning you for Eastern European women. This story says it all. A feminist tricks a naive young man into being her “boyfriend” (hmm, bet he was picking up the tab for all those dinners, wasn’t he?) leads him on with promises of sexual availability, and dumps him without giving out so much as a French kiss.
Oh, and the one who was “too young to make love”? He was the smart one. Having sex with a feminist will get you stuck paying child support, while she sit around all day playing “Truth or Dare”. Some of us have to earn our money working dangerous man jobs. (I notice you’re wealthy enough to offer five dollars to the winner of this contest, and you probably don’t even work. Do you realize how many men in this country would love to be in your position? But I forgot, it’s always women who are oppressed.)
Yeah, some day you’ll be sorry, when all your male playmates have all given up on “liberated” American women. And some day, you’ll wish you hadn’t turned me down. But then it will be too late, because I’m through with women who don’t know how to treat a man. Really. I never wanted you to be my girlfriend in the first place. So there.
Signed,
Mr. A, MRA
Was the mixing up of Lauren and Jill intentional also?
You mean, “Jill” and “Lauren”?
“Yes”
If I don’t count the time I asked my five-year-old playmate to kiss me in my closet
So you’re openly acknowledging that you take the lead in initiating sexual contact with children. And, of course, we see that this “doesn’t count” – no doubt because male children don’t signify in your twisted feminist sexual monstrosities. Noted.
my first kiss was at my first boy-girl party playing Truth or Dare.
Interesting that you feel the need to distinguish that both genders were present – but nothing about race. That’s because it was all white children, wasn’t it, Lauren? Oh, I’m sure you had an Asian token, so you could all pretend to be multiracial and integrated and feel ever-so “progressive” – but in your heart of hearts, you were glad the darkies weren’t there. Glad.
The boy, Shane, licked my face. I thought we were going for a peck, Shane thought we were going for the infamous french kiss.
Boo hoo. You acknowledge that you set yourself up for a sexual scenario with this “Shane” – and then, when it didn’t go your way, out come the waterworks. “I thought, I thought…” Well, did you think to communicate your needs instead of just lying there, you mewling whiner? No, of course not. Because that’s the man’s job – to read your freakin’ mind.
Everyone laughed and I was horrified, then he became my boyfriend for two whole weeks.
Of course. You claim to be horrified, but then you date the guy. Just as you pretend to be aghast at the awful injustices of the American capitalist system – but I don’t see you buying your TVs from Cuba.
Oh, and two weeks – what, you got a better offer from the next male dupe to come your way? Tramp.
We were the talk of 5th grade.
More liberal whining. I didn’t want it, but I did, but then I was so confused, and then there was the social attention, and I didn’t know if I liked it…the blah blah blah never stops. This is why your kind never make it in America – the greatest country on Earth – because you don’t know what you want. Well, it isn’t up to the rest of us God-fearing patriots to sit around and wait for you to therapy-group your way to some fumbling understanding of your own inadequacies. Stand up and work for what you want, like a man!
Dang, forgot my closer:
Lauren, why do you hate freedom?
(Psst. It’s “why do you hate America.”)
“If I don’t count the time I asked my five-year-old playmate to kiss me in my closet, at which point he told me he was “too young to make love,” my first kiss was at my first boy-girl party playing Truth or Dare. The boy, Shane, licked my face. I thought we were going for a peck, Shane thought we were going for the infamous french kiss. Everyone laughed and I was horrified, then he became my boyfriend for two whole weeks. We were the talk of 5th grade.”
I’m not surprised that you suffered some form of traumatic incident at a young age, Lauren. This would explain your consistently anti-male message in most of your posts. Pretty two-faced, too, to go out with the guy for two weeks afterwards if you were as horrified as you said you were. But I would expect a Bush hater to do anything for attention. As you yourself said, you “were the talk of the 5th grade”. Bash Bush, go out with a guy you can’t stand — anything to put yourself in the center.
Buy hey! I would think you’d want a French kiss–after all, aren’t the French your best buddies? You’re a liberal, you must just love the French. I’d think that’s the only kind of kissing you’d do.
And if you like games such as Truth or Dare, then I dare you to speak the truth for once, rather than continue your liberal feminist hysterical rant against guys like Shane, who is probably putting his life on the line over in Iraq right this moment, so you can continue to be free with your loose mouth and even looser morals.
Dear August: It is very typically nit-picky and elitist of you to pick on the smallest little things instead of payment of attention to the actual meaning of my post, which is the pure and simple truth: if you portray a lifestyle of sin and big city lechery to my child, you and all of you liberals are doing the same thing, you are ruining her sense of morals and the goverment should just clean up the internets of the SMUT and the glorifying of a sleazy, free love life, which will lead to nothing but woe. You would be better served to pay attention to the message than to make fun of persons. What do I care which icon of feminazi sleaze purvayer of these evil entertainments goes to which kind of communist sympathising school? Neither will come to any good end and why would I care to read about they’re lives in any more than necessary to protect my children and all of the children of God and Jesus his son. It is OBVIOUSLY BY THEIR LESBIAN AND PROMSICUOUS BEHAVIOR AND VIEWS TOO LATE FOR THEM!!! I don’t have to read it ALL to know that its ALL bad, just like you don’t have to look at ALL of the apple’s to know that the bad ones spoiled the whole bunch.
[er, yeah, it was].
(Psst. It’s “why do you hate America.”)
No, you’re even worse than that. Hypothetically, you could love freedom but hate America because you have been misled by evil feminist leftist communists. As a misandrist toddler-molesting anticapitalist, you’re beyond that, all the way into outright freedom-hating.
As a misandrist toddler-molesting anticapitalist, you’re beyond that, all the way into outright freedom-hating.
Right now, this is my favorite.
I can’t top any of these. But If I were a haiku writing MRA, I would say:
“The talk of fifth grade.”
Shame came early to Lauren,
Young Ameriskank.
Lauren, you banned my posts for a time due to this type of behavior. Now you’re offering money for more of the same?
Methinks your ear infection is spreading…
Haiku. Man after my own heart, Hugo.
;-)
Have you forgiven me for the minivan remark yet, Lauren?
Marksman: Consider this your chance.
Hugo: I suppose.
I can’t top this, but I’ll try.
Whatever, Ameriskank. Like some 5-year-old thinking man would want to kiss you after you tried to abort him.
Oh no she di’int.
I forgot to put abortion in the contest. Damn it all to hell.
Obsolescent Volitionism and la Mort de l’Auteur
Another object lesson to drive home just what is likely to happen when the signifier (be it a flesh-and-blood B-movie actress I claim as a “character,” my repeated postings in which I boldly attempt to salvage patriarchal mores from ruin and destruction by the filthy slut advocates of identity politcs, or a-tell me, am I funny? I’m funny, right? Tell me again how funny I am. You’re going to vote for me in this year’s Weblog Awards as the funniest weblogger, right? Right? Are you laughing yet? Wait; if you are, stop-this is one of my “serious” posts. I’m spelling that out as my intent right now, even though I know some of you will fail to divine my meaning because you’re just not very bright) is removed from its intentional moorings—this time provided by some vapid bint (I intend that ironically) at feministe, in a typically whorish (irony!) post.
Seizing on a childhood memory best confined to the dustbin of history, Lauren-who, let’s face it, is sinfully hot and will likely never fuck me, a fact I resent deeply-offers
Typical feminazi stuff, sure-unlike her stack of NARAL pamphlets, her story is shallow and completely devoid of substance-but her bitchy remarks interest me less than what they structurally portend. (Do you like how I turned “portent” into a verb there? It’s funnier that way, isn’t it? Except my intent was serious. To further clarify: My intent is not affectation, but education. Because not only am I the funniest, I’m the also the smartest. And the prettiest.)
As someone who is invested in language (not just interested, like you amateurs, but invested, like with money) and the dissemination of meaning (not just the spreading or sharing of it, like common manure, but the dissemination of it, like seeding, planting, NOURISHING, loving [see also the Latin root disseminatus, from dis + seminare to sow, c.f. semen]-oh, right, you chuckleheads have no Latin, do you? Allow me to disseminate some at you. Latin is very funny)-and in particular, as someone who’s been long engaged in a meta-analysis that proceeds from the thesis which proceeds from my ass-did I tell you I went to college? Of course I didn’t tell you any such thing, because I don’t have to; you can tell just by reading me, right? By all the words you stumble over and have to look up in the dictionary? And yet, somehow, learning their (intentionalist) meanings does not console you through the dark night of your inadequacy? Well, tough shit. It’s what you get for not voting me the funniest last year. Just for that it’s abandonnez le rire et embrassez la prétention around here, motherfuckers. Why I haven’t I been hired by Opinion Journal yet? Don’t you think I should be? I think I should be.
Where was I?
Right. See, I’ve been studying this shit and you haven’t, so let me break it down for all you dumb broads out there who should be sitting on my cock right now, yet mysteriously aren’t: How we believe language functions has practical, real-world consequences, in that our structural understanding (it has to be structural understanding and not understanding of structure, because things sound more important the more modifiers you prepend to them, even when those modifiers are misplaced) of what constitutes a valid interpretation will necessarily find its way into policy-
(Oh hey, someone remind me I have a Dancing Armadillo post to put up later.)
-and law and legal precedent. And that’s why Lauren’s childhood memory scares the sack offa me.
Because what Lauren is arguing here is that, no matter what her hapless five year-old partner meant by “too young to make love,” (presumably, the boy intended it to mean just that, too young to make love, that is, “prepubescent, of or relating to the period preceding puberty”)-as a signifier, the mark comes so pre-loaded with baggage that it would have behooved the boy simply to choose another phrase, and in so doing, to tacitly surrender that particular word to people like Lauren who have laid claim to it. (See also “I Have Come to Claim,” Judy Grahn, in which a miserable man-hating lesbian defiles Marilyn Monroe’s corpse and calls it poetry. I read this misandrist garbage so you don’t have to. Remember that, o my brethren. This is the enemy; this is why we fight. For FREEDOM. [And an end to emasculating bitches].)
White Republicans can no longer deploy the grapheme (that’s much better than plain old “adjective” or “modifier,” isn’t it? You had to look it up, didn’t you, you dumb hick? So you probably know it isn’t a synonym for either. It doesn’t even mean “word!” But most of you were probably too embarrassed by how low-brow and illiterate and un-post-modern you are to look it up, so you’ll never know that, unless you read this far. Which you did, right? Laughing all the way, right?-No, wait, quit laughing. My intent is seriousness.) “too young to make love” to describe a five year-old, else they are open to charges of infantilism, given that this particular grapheme has, in the past, been imbued with signification that, in the five year-old’s case, he didn’t intend.
I know this because I’m pretty sure the five year-old grew up to be, also, a white Republican. I hope he’s of the hip variety, like me. I only like Republicans who say cusses and ogle boobies, like me. The other Republicans are just a pain in the ass, the way they think I should keep it in my pants now and then. But I still like them better than progressives, because they just tell me “put that away now, Jeff” and slap me on the wrist with a Bible, instead of intimating that I should never have taken it out in the first place. In the middle of Starbucks: Is that so inappropriate a locale? What about my intent? Maybe I intended my exposed wee-wee as a metaphor for our encroaching societal repression of masculinity, did you ever think of that?
Fucking Colorado sheriff’s office.
Sadly, “Lauren” offers a pragmatic response to a postmodern linguistic problem that arrives as the direct result of interpretation having been severed from the moorings of original intent and turned over to the receiver. (That’s all an extraordinarily intellectual way of saying that everything went to hell in a handbasket once we started trusting mere listeners to assess what it was they were hearing, as though having ears to hear and eyes to read entitles one to think about any of it. I don’t know when this notion took root, but it stands to reason some bimbo had something to do with it.) And Lauren’s response is indicative of what happens when the ground of interpretation is surrendered to the kind of motivated relativism that results from such a linguistic perversion. I would translate that sentence for you numbskulls at home, too, but the language fascists would only delegitimize my intent if I did.
In Fore words? SlutCommieSkankBitchAbortionWhore! FrenchLovingFrenchKissingChildPredatorWomynDyke! WhichOneOfYouCommiesJillOrLaurenWearsTheStrapOn? AndWillYouDickSlicersSendMePictures?
Not here to enter the contest, just to let Capote know that Lauren most likely would fuck me, precisely because I wouldn’t go through all that trouble just to call her sinfully hot.
You probably emailed her privately to tell her that comment was yours, didn’t you?
How needy.
Jeff, you win for best parody of yourself.
SEXIST!
IT’S THE HYPOCRISY!!1!
Ah Jeff, I know your type. You might want to go to a little more effort to hide the, “Yeah, bitch wanted to fuck me but I told her no way,” lying that everyone can see right through.
I await the Billy Jack non-sequitur. And Lauren, it’s “BECAUSE OF THE HYPOCRISY.”
My bad.
Capote who made up Capote after Capote made up Capote first, you truly have cleaned up on this contest thing as you jerk one brilliant image out of your imagination at a time. Before you smoke the cigarette, be sure to just as carefully attend to your computer monitor screen and make sure to get in those tight, sinfully tricky places, the ones between the keys on the keyboard
oh, gawd. I left out a few exclaimation points after “HYPOCRISY/HIPOCRACIE/HIPOCRACY.” I must be an anti-Semite.
I read your responses in the other thread, Amanda. You don’t know my type at all. First, I’ve never hit a woman. Second, I don’t take myself nearly as seriously as you seem to think I do. And third, I’m way out of your league.
Roxanne –
You don’t like my Billy Jack stuff? That hurts. Because I think it’s funny. Don’t you think it’s funny? I mean, I am funny, right? Funny? Funny and smart and hip?
Lauren –
I suspect you already know I was joking, but just to make sure, yes, I was.
Seriously. I don’t even like sex.
But tell the truth: Capote wrote you, right?
JUST ASK HER OUT, CAPOTE!
Heh, so you go out and are scared shitless of the scary, scary women, never talk to them and think that you don’t get any because you’re “too good”? Sweet. May Jesus continue to bless you with never having your dick touched by female lips.
At least you and your (theoretical) partners have something in common.
I’m not down with corpses, Jeff, so both you and Capote are out.
Is that Billy Jack or Billy Jack off stuff? Hands down winner for taking matters in hand.
Man, when you miss on a type you REALLY miss on a type, Amanda.
Lauren –
That’s alright. Jill’s the hot one anyway.
SEXIST
Whatever it takes, Jeff.
I miss on the type.
Scene: Jeff G at home jerking off in front of bestiality porn.
JEFF G: Fuck that cunt, anyway, she wishes she could have a piece of….*snooze*
Indeed, I can only imagine what you’re too good for.
Well, bringing me a beer and putting on something sexy would be a start.
It’s okay, dude. There’s always Shannon Elizabeth.
Is Shannon Elizabeth a lesbian? I forget.
Hey, feminist = lesbian. Watch where you point that thing, Rox.
The woman that you hate sex with should bring a beer and wear something sexy? Or do you like your barnyard animals in Victoria’s Secret? So confusing….
You’ve got me down, Amanda! Nothing gets me hotter than the vulva of a donkey.
But seriously. I’m beginning to think you go in for all this feminist stuff just so you can use the word “cunt” as aggressively as do the rampaging males that haunt your fragile psyche.
Don’t get me wrong — it kinda turns me on, in that sex-with-a-frightened-donkey kinda way — but you seem, well, invested in it.
And the beer and dress sexy line was for Lauren, Amanda. You just got in the way. Again.
I thought Lauren was Ginger and I was Mary-Anne. Everyone knows Ginger is way hotter.
p.s. Moving on to the blogger #2 when blogger #1 shoots you down is very poor form.
Jeff, do you really masturbate that often to feminist blogs? Get a girlfriend,man. I mean, you’ll have to grow into a real human being first, but it’ll help.
The word “cunt” scares you that much? CUNT CUNT CUNT CUNT CUNT. Scared yet?
Well, it’s starting to scare me.
Lauren’s going to think I’m obsessed (really, really I’m not) with this, but doesn’t this count as sex, Jeff? It gives “protein wisdom” a whole new meaning, huh?
LOL. Apparently, I have some aggression I needed to take out in a flame war. This is wrong. It’s like kicking children. Except these fucks can vote our rights away.
Ryan, it’s like the ouroboros!
Yeah. It’s really zen-like. Kind of like yoga but instead you’re sucking yourself off.
(And to preempt the inevitable emails: No, I can’t do it, and Double No, I don’t want to watch you do it.)
Lauren knows someone who can.
I sure do.
Autofellatio? Is that going down on a car? Or going down in a car?
Or is it getting down on yourself in or out of a car? Do you need to get down first before you go down? If you are down on yourself, will anyone go down on you, even yourself if you could? Oy.
Sorry, was over reading some other threads.
Ryan –
Let’s see, “protein wisdom” and autofellatio? Well, it’s a good guess, sure. But no. To be honest, the practice seems a lot of trouble, when I can just as easily scrape the goods off my tummy with a Townhouse cracker.
Not that I’m ruling it out, mind you. It’s just that it looks like it takes the kind of limberness that my current sedentary lifestyle frustrates.
Amanda –
I’d be willing to bet I’ve masturbated less to feminist blogs than you have. And no, the word cunt doesn’t scare me. Which is why you look kinda foolish trying to use it as a, er, vagina-shaped item to cudgel me with.
Jill –
I was just trying to make Lauren jealous. She really is the hot one.
SEXIST!
Can you go down on a car? Oy, indeed – thoughts of exhaust pipe accidents abound.
Ugh, you can be such a bimbo.
Well, it’s a man’s prerogative to change his mind.
Now I kinda dig you again.
Unlike earlier feminists, “modern” women such as Lauren brag openly about their sexual promiscuity. A childhood sexual experience with a boy named Shane is played for cheap laughs, with the justification that “we were the talk of the 5th grade.”
This is the legacy of third-wave feminism, in which women’s rights are secondary to selfish sexual pleasure and a consuming desire to be popular, no matter the cost. As long as the readers are titillated, it’s all good.
Meanwhile, boys like Shane are publicly humiliated and torn apart in the comments section by hordes of vulgar man-haters. Some things, at least, don’t change.
Jill is hot; I’d class her as very hot if she didn’t look too much like my sister, which makes with the odd squirmy feelings. Lauren is very hot (although 14% less hot than she used to be). Amanda is adequately hot, although I confess that the thought she might suddenly start yelling “cunt! cunt! cunt!” or go into cognitive shock if she sees something bad happen that can’t be attributed to the patriarchy, is off-putting.
But I’ve met Jeff’s wife in person, and sorry, ladies. She makes you look like the three skags left alone together in the biker bar at 2:30 am, still cursing the bartender over the 30 cents in change you didn’t get back from the vodka shooter at 11:00. Ssssssmokin’ hot. Jeff Gannon switching sides hot.
(And now that I’ve said that, I’m either going to have Jeff glowering at me every time we meet, or offering to trade her for my original 1982 “Tron” laserdisc. No way, dude – it has some of Jean Giraud’s DNA on it from when I used it to cut him in a bar fight over who got to take home the last three skags.)
Robert, would you say that if I started voting Republican?
She may be sssssssmokin’, but Jeff’s over here a-flirtin’ with us. Maybe he’s losing his looks.
Wait.
This is “a-flirtin’”?
I am really out of the loop.
Robert, would you say that if I started voting Republican?
Depends. If you were faking it, it would spoil it for me. You’d have to be, you know, into it, and stuff. If you see a ballot initiative that proposes cutting property taxes by 11% and paying for it by putting seniors out on the street to die, and your nipples don’t get hard, then it doesn’t do anything for me.
Vote against a gay candidate on the grounds that you just don’t like the queers, and you’d be over the top.
Jeff’s over here because he’s got to recover from the pounding hot sex his wife demands of the poor guy ten hours a day. Interacting with Amanda is his “cooling off” period – give Mr. Wriggly Worm the complete rest it needs.
Robert, your seemingly intimate knowledge of Jeff’s sex life is interesting, to say the least.
I hear this a lot. It’s becoming disturbing.
But then, I also hear that I look like Aunt Becky from Full House a lot. So… who knows.
Robert, your seemingly intimate knowledge of Jeff’s sex life is interesting, to say the least.
Wireless video cameras in every room.
For $9.95 a month, I’ll give you the password to the web site where we stream the feeds.
I hear this a lot. It’s becoming disturbing.
You think you’re disturbed, think of all the poor guys out there who are halfway through nailing their sister and your picture keeps popping into their head.
My wife knows I’m over here. She doesn’t care so long as I promise to feed the kid if he wakes up in the middle of the night.
And you chicks think MEN have all the power.
I think I like Mrs. Goldstein.
Who wants to be saddled with Goldstein? She kept her last name. And I gave it to my son, as well, though he has mine as one of his middle names: Satchel Thomas Goldstein ****
I’m all about the aesthetics.
That is exactly why I lost hotness points for Harriet. My parents should have been paying closer attention to aesthetics.
That said, I’m trying to get the boyfriend to change both our names when/if we marry to something with a bit of Latin flair: Pujols.
Figures that a man-hating pedophile wants everyone to talk about her love affair with her Labrador Retriever. She probably thinks the other boys (and girls!) in the boy’s 5th grade class were jealous. Maybe they were. She’s definitely fuckable. My dog got a glimpse of the screen and now is humping my pillow.
My mom wanted to spell my name Jyl. Add that to “Nicole,” and let’s be honest, I would have ended up exchanging my virtue for dollar bills.
Oh wait.
I was adopted. Recently found out my biological father’s name was Santa Tetso. Can you imagine? — having a dad named Santa?
Tom Sawyer woulda had NOTHING on me.
A few years ago I read about a guy in Seattle who changed his name to Trout Fishing in America.
First time I ever felt humbled in my life.
Better Dad Name: Santa or Jesus? Go!
Second time: When he saw the size of Amanda’s cock.
Please. I’m a girth guy.
And Santa, definitely, Lauren.. Any silly illegal who picks fruit can be named Jesus. But it takes a real Wop to pull off Santa.
Santa is a MAN.
Cock! Cock cock cock cock cock!
(Wait a minute, when the fuck did this turn into Protein Wisdom?)
Need a shovel or do you have this on your own?
My high school principal and his wife both changed their name to Valjean.
Saddest thing was I didn’t get it until college.
Thanks for the chat, folks. Please take no offense to anything I said.
Unless you’re Amanda, that is. In which case, knock yourself out. Me, I’m going to watch The Breakfast Club and eat some chips. And, if Ally Sheedy looks particularly fetching on this, my 28th viewing — maybe I’ll even give a go to that zen thing discussed upthread.
Nice use of the reset button, Jeff.
I win.
You wish.
He who uses “wop” first loses.
Wop is capitalized.
Racist.
BECAUSE OF THE HYPOCRISY!!!1!!11
Jeff wins. He’s a Jooo. They always figure out a way to win in the end…through sneaky Jooness!
Darn those Joos.
This thread proves that if you go to bed, you’re not going to miss a whole lot.
Punkrockhockeymom wrote:
“are going to be losing they’re virginity”
Dear Prhm,
You mean, “loosing.”
Here’s my entry. Heh. ;)
Five year olds don’t know how to French kiss. That boy has been sexually abused, and we know that feminist skanks like Lauren don’t care about sexually abused boys. Only girls are sexually abused, according to the feminist agenda.
85% of sexually abused boys come from fatherless homes.
90% of fifth grade boys with behavioral problems come from fatherless homes.
90% of predatory girls come from fatherless homes.
75% of boys who lick girls’ faces come from fatherless homes.
85% of children who play “Truth Or Dare” come from fatherless homes.
Since feminists don’t think that girls abuse boys, Lauren got away with her abuse by claiming “victim status”. Lauren, why do you hate men and boys? Your father must have abused you. Plus, you are a single mom. Fatherless chidlren have all kinds of social problems. Why don’t you allow your child’s father to be a part of his life? It’s because you’re a feminist, and you hate men. I bet you have hairy armpits and you wear Birkenstocks. Your a looser.
This thread has been exhausted. We should discuss other stuff now–like the New Orleans cops who use retired school teachers as trampolines. As if the city didn’t have enough financial woes and racial tension already.
If I don’t count the time I asked my five-year-old playmate to kiss me in my closet,
I have never violated the trust of a child. His father and I met at the front door,
at which point he told me he was “too young to make love,” my first kiss was at my
GLBT-themed prom. The head cheerleader and I made out and chaperoned her brother’s
first boy-girl party playing Truth or Dare. The boy, Shane, licked my face. I thought
I had shown him where I liked to be licked. He was cute for a kindergartener, though.
we were going for a peck, Shane thought we were going for the infamous french
tickler, and he missed my muff completely and tongued my bum. It was a strange sort of
kiss. Everyone laughed and I was horrified, then he became my boyfriend for two
hours. He couldn’t cum yet, so I hooked up with his sister. She could cum straight for three
whole weeks. We were the talk of 5th grade.
Hey, who won the contest? I’ve got to decide whether to buy Night Train for the day’s drinking – if I have $5 coming, I can spring for Yellow Tail!
What a waste of time.
It must be an evolutionary foible that made females egocentric. No I am not homosexual nor misogynic. I am clearly misanthropic.
Lauren’s pedophilic leanings exposed themselves recently when she revealed that she had molested a fifth grader so blatantly that members of her community talked about it for nearly two weeks before the affair was broken off, presumably by the boy’s parents. She confessed to earlier transgressions: she molested one toddler in a closet!
Evidentally, her deep hatred of men leads to feminist-style buggery. In her confession, she is loathe to mention the race of her victims, but we can be sure that they were not white, given her hatred of men of that color. She is too cheap to place a single’s ad, an act which she undoubtably avoids because of its enrichment of the free marketplace. Instead she preys on children so that their minds will be so warped that they will not be fit for combat.
There is no doubt that this is a man-hating predator out to undermine all that is good about the America ethic. We had best nail her to her own cliches and expose her for the gleaming twat that she is.
(How’s that, Lauren?) :)