By whom?

Well, let me be the first, then, to tell you that women are not all feminists, and there are a great number of women who support the patriarchy and in fact, the patriarchy depends upon the support of women.

OK. Then get your own shit together and stop oppressing yourselves.

And that’s what makes the patriarchy even more disgusting: women are encouraged to fight to be the most feminine and men don’t even appreciate us for it.

Yeah. If only you had some kind of organ in your body that would permit you to analyze things like this.

And it isn’t men who insist on the time being put in. MEN DON’T CARE.

Wait wait, you’ve been lectured about privelege for 20 years and you never figured out that patriarchy != men? You’re so wordly in the ways of feminism but nobody’s ever pointed out that women frequently support the patriarchy? Well, let me be the first, then, to tell you that women are not all feminists, and there are a great number of women who support the patriarchy and in fact, the patriarchy depends upon the support of women.

Little girls are told from early childhood that to get a man is the most important thing in the world, and to get a man you must be pretty, well-groomed, made up, stay fashionable, be nice, be clean, love kids, be self-sacrificing, know how to cook, be slim, etc. Then they are told that there are only a few “good men” and you must be nicer, cleaner, prettier, thinner than those around you in order to get the “good men”.

So of course we compete with each other. Of course we criticize each other for not being up to snuff. The femininity that is thrust upon us is not merely a performance, it is a competition. Women do this shit to compete for men because that is how we are programmed by the patriarchy.

And of course men don’t care. You don’t have to. Cleaning or not cleaning, it’s not your responsibility. The culture at large doesn’t encourage you to care. And that’s what makes the patriarchy even more disgusting: women are encouraged to fight to be the most feminine and men don’t even appreciate us for it. And what does Mama Culture tell us to do to make men appreciate us for our hard work at becoming feminine? Pick up any mainstream women’s magazine and you’ll find out. And it’s definitely not “stop wasting your time trying to be so damn feminine all the time.”

And it isn’t men who insist on the time being put in. MEN DON’T CARE. Fine, there is a horrible patriarchy that oppresses women in every area of life. Men get their wishes whenever we care to deploy the awesome Universal Omniscient Penis Ray, the secret source of the patriarchy’s 6000-year dominance.

Men don’t care because they’re taught from childhood that they don’t have to care. It will be taken care of. Women are taught from childhood that they’re the ones who are going to be taking care of things.

I remember reading a Garrison Keillor column on Thanksgiving, and how it was his favorite holiday because, among other things, “you just sit down to it.” I let out a yell, because as much as I love the guy, here’s a fine example of someone who has no idea or appreciation that somebody did the work to get the meal ready that he was just sitting down to.

They have come to understand that, while they might pressure my wife, trying to tell me what to do is about as effective as yelling at a boulder is likely to make it get up and move.

Maybe that’s the same sort of thing, though: men are not to be told what to do, that’s a woman’s role.

Marian:

I remember as a kid being told (in Madison WI to boot, not some huge city) that going to the mall, park, or even backyard alone was dangerous, and that someone would offer you candy, then grab you and force you into their car, never to be heard from again.

Me too. To this day, I’m suspicious of strangers.

I mean, that probably enhances my avoidant tendencies rather than causing or contributing to them, but I’m convinced it’s part of the problem.

EJ:

my husband grew up in a very messy house, and, is slobby not because he doesn’t feel responsible, but because he honestly doesn’t care if its messy or if people see that its messy

I think it’s mostly men who have the luxury of having that attitude. Women have it pounded into them from childhood that if the house isn’t clean, they’re falling down on the job. Men do not, so it’s easier for us not to care if our houses look like hell.

You can see their original color through the dust, more or less, and if you just run a lighter along the base once it gets really fuzzy, it does a self-cleaning “flame” cycle, just like the oven.

You’re going to have to detail this trick because I can’t be bothered to dust the blinds. I keep hoping the dust will recycle itself.

But even just yesterday when he picked up E before I went to an early subbing job, I asked him to throw a sweatshirt in the dryer for E at his house and dad admitted that he doesn’t know how to use the dryer. The invisible hand of women’s work again.

One of the comments that has always stuck with me is when my mother pointed out to my father that his yardwork is valuable, yes, but 100% of the housework versus 100% of the yardwork isn’t equal. If she spends three hours a day cooking, cleaning, and laundering in addition to her paid work, that doesn’t compare to the three hours a week dad might spend on the lawn.