This Just In: Spinster Aunt’s Head Explodes

Okay, no, not really. Twisty handles this with a few quick shots to the jaw (or, um, wherever). Although I wouldn’t blame her one bit.

(Amanda picked up on this a few days ago. I think I shoved my virtual fingers in my ears, probably because I’d just eaten. But R. Mildred referred to him as a “psychic sex ninja” in comments, so maybe I should have fought the nausea.)

Ew. Just, ew. Ew, ew, ew. Ew.

There’s something about this that’s so disturbing as to defy words.

Some handy tips I picked up:

A good woman is a “well-trained” woman.

All women are basically XBoxes. Winning is a matter of pushing the right buttons at the right time.

The best way to get her to feel comfortable and happy is for the two of you to pretend you’re just using her for sex: “Try to get your wife to role play. Have her imagine she’s a prostitute and play that role.”

But it’s even better when she doesn’t have any input at all: “Being a hypnotist and she was a good subject, I proceeded to use the deep trance (amnesia and hallucinatory phenomena) to change her into various other women friends or relatives of hers and then make advances.”

“I once gave a partner the suggestion in the deep trance that she was a sex machine–a character I defined for her. [Of course you did.] Let me tell you, that short woman was so wild that I, (6′2″), could only take it for a short while.” Or pretend she’s a garbage disposal, and you’ve just dropped a fork down there! Hawt!

A woman who doesn’t respond to her partner’s ministrations like Jenna Jameson on ecstasy should be described in the most demeaning terms possible: “Most American women are slow to climax and/or are inadequate responders and they fail to climax or their orgasms are so-so or they fake it. They usually lubricate poorly.”

Women are actually horses (and you’re Robert Redford!): “Talk softly into her ear, saying words like ‘It feels so good to be loved, caressed, held closely. Feels so good.’ That last phrase must be given repeatedly but not mechanically. Fit it in with other patter. ‘Keep your mind right under my hand and feel the good feelings building up. Feels so good, so good, etc.’”

“It’s no fun to try to have sex with a sack of potatoes.”

“If she has emotional blocks to responding, she may need therapy.” I see another role-playing opportunity!

This is what happens when “sex-positivity” is unhooked from a feminist context and plugged into a sexist one. Even when it’s all about her, it’s all about him. The women in this guy’s world are machines, creations, trained pets. He’s just decided he wants to make them do something different, is all.

(Edited to clarify a little of the language.)

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8 Responses

  1. Chawunky
    Chawunky February 16, 2006 at 3:27 pm |

    Gah. Twisty’s hella-right about the hubris: “A woman who arouses quickly and climaxes intensely and repeatedly is a real joy to be in bed with. I have encountered few of them EXCEPT those I created using the sex techniques I’m about to tell you about.”

    Those he created? Pygmalion by way of Svengali. I can’t shake the dreadful notion that we’re being made privy to this guy’s personal fantasies, double-gah.

  2. Kim
    Kim February 16, 2006 at 4:07 pm |

    Not to be catty… but has anybody else seen his photo?

    That kinda took it to a new level of “Ugh” for me.

  3. Andrea
    Andrea February 16, 2006 at 5:47 pm |

    I’m having real trouble believing this guy has any sexual experience of any kind. Apart from maybe with sacks of potatoes.

  4. Hershele Ostropoler
    Hershele Ostropoler February 16, 2006 at 6:55 pm |

    I’m going to reiterate here what I said at Pandagon: I certainly hope my girlfriend doesn’t feel such a strong need to disassociate when we have sex that she has to pretend she’s a prostitute to get into it.

  5. Robert
    Robert February 16, 2006 at 6:58 pm |

    I certainly hope my girlfriend doesn’t feel such a strong need to disassociate…that she has to pretend she’s a prostitute to get into it.

    Good news, she doesn’t!

    (Sorry man, you led with your chin.)

  6. kate
    kate February 16, 2006 at 9:49 pm |

    OH really, I posted there and I will here.

    Oh gives a rat’s fart about what this old coot is posting.

    He obviously is suffering some manic dillusion that he has something great to offer and since no one will listen to him in real time, he goes to the next best thing: the internet.

    If all the wingers were as impotent and pathetic as he we wouldn’t have a war going on against women. Women would only have to laugh and get on with living and leave this old bag to his fantasies.

    I’ve seen scarier and worse.

    What I find most comic about people like him is how they mix up their conservative upbringing with liberal ideas of sexuality and come up with the twisted, bizzaro ‘advice’ on sex and health like he puts up on his site.

    Just further affirmation to me that all godbags really want to be liberal and tolerant and when they try it gets all mixed up with their ingrained patriarchal thinking. Thus, you have people like him advocating sexual liberation while at the same time mixing in good old control of women and male bravado fantasies.

    What comes out looks and smells like chocolate milk and dill pickle puree.

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