Today was a really bad day.
Scratch that. It wasn’t a really bad day at all, not until I left work.
Don’t let me near a computer for the rest of the night lest I go completely insane and litter the internet with my crazy rants. That is all.
Somebody cheer me up.
Okey Doke. It’s kind of a zen joke.
So, there’s this traveling salesman, walking down a country road. Off to his right, he sees a skinny old farmer in bib overalls, standing in an apple orchard.
The farmer has an enormously large pig hoisted up on his shoulder, and he’s walking around an apple tree and letting the pig eat apples off the tree.
So the traveling salesman says to the farmer, “Excuse me sir, I don’t mean to tell you your business, but if you picked the apples off the tree and put them in a pile on the ground, wouldn’t that save a hell of a lot of time?”
The farmer looks at the salesman and says, “Well hell, yeah, but what does time mean to a pig?”
So, I’ve fiddled for my dinner and now I have a question—are the old Ms. message boards archived somewhere accessible?
Yours, etc.
Dharmadyke
So the sheriff comes barrelling into the saloon, and slack-key piano stops, the poker games halt, and the bartender looks up from polishing a beer glass to ask, “What can we do for ya, Sheriff?”
“Any a y’all seen Brown-Paper Pete?” the sheriff asks.
The bartender’s a nice guy, civic-minded, and wants to help. He says, “Well, the name doesn’t ring a bell, Sheriff, but what’s he look like?”
“Can’t miss him! He wears a brown-paper shirt, a brown-paper hat, brown-paper pants, and a brown-paper vest!”
“I’m sorry, Sheriff,” says the bartender. “Nobody like that’s been in here. What’s he wanted for?”
“Rustling!”
here.
Good one, Lux Fiat.
So, a minister is walking past a house and sees a little girl sitting on her front steps playing with a cute, little, roly-poly puppy.
The minister stops and leans on the gate and says, “Well hello there, little girl. What a cute little dog. What’s his name?”
The little girls says, “We call him Porky, sir.”
The minister says, “I bet I know why you call him Porky, I bet you call him that because his tail squiggles around like a little piglet’s tail?”
”No sir, that’s not why we call him Porky.”
“I bet you call him Porky because his little ears are pink and stand up like a pigs?”
“No sir, that’s not why we call him Porky.”
“You call him Porky because he’s so round and roly poly and makes grunting noises?”
“No sir, that’s not why we call him Porky.”
“Well, why the hell do you call him Porky?” said the minister.
“Sir, we call him Porky because he likes to fuck pigs.”
I’m trying to build some intellectual capital here.
Yours, etc.
Dharmadyke
In a similar vein to the site nerdlet pointed to Cute Overload — I look at it often when stress and politics are getting to me.
And if you’re somewhere you can watch videos, funny cats and funny cats 2
So a Jew with a frog on his shoulder walks into a bar.
The bartender asks “Hey Joe, where’d you get that?”
The frog replies “Oh, in Brooklyn. There’s hundreds of ‘em!”
…..it was either that or the skeleton who asks for a beer and a mop. So just be damn grateful for whatcha got :)
I’m having a glass of w(h)ine for ya, Lauren. Hope you can have a cat on your lap tonight and a better day tomorrow!
Jeff G has a new yin and yang post up. That might help.
So this guy stumbles into a bar, white as a sheet, shaking like a leaf, and asks the bartender,
“About how high is a penguin?”
The bartender’s a little confused, but he sighs, shrugs, and holds his hand out about three feet above the ground.
And the guy goes, “Oh, my God…I think I just ran over a nun!”
Lauren:
Sorry your day sucked.
Since St. Patrick’s Day is upon us; how ’bout an Irish joke.
Paddy comes upon Sean and sure he’s stuck in a bog. Poor boy, nothing but head, arms and shoulders above. “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, I’m glad ta see ya Paddy. I need your help or surely I’m goin’ home ta God. And you, the strongest man in the County ‘ceptin’ mebbe Gumpy O’Rourke. C’mon then, give us a hand and get me outa here!”
So Paddy, a massive man he is too, grabs Sean’s hand and gives a mighty pull. And another, and another. No good. Paddy says “Faith and begorah, a strange thing it is. I can’t budge ya. Maybe Gumpy could, but I can’t. It’s goin’ for help I am.”
Sean cries out, “No, no, sure I’ll be all the way under by the time you get back. Please, please, try one more time and dis time I’ll take me feet out of the stirrups.”
So this dyslexic walks into a bra…
Oh my lord, yeah… And then there was the insomniac dyslexic agnostic philosopher who stayed up all night wondering about whether or not there really was a dog.
Well, here is a small collection of Jewish Mother jokes…(and lest you think I’m anti-Semitic, half of my family is Jewish…)
A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother he’s fallen in love and that he is going to get married. He says, “Just for fun, Ma, I’m going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I’m going to marry.” The mother agrees. The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for awhile. He then says, “Okay, Ma, guess which one I’m going to marry.” She immediately replies, “The one on the right.” “That’s amazing, Ma. You’re right. How did you know? The Jewish mother replies, “I don’t like her.”
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The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that WonTon spelled backwards is “Not Now.”
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There’s a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until after it graduates from medical school.
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Q: Why don’t Jewish mothers drink? A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.
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Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American Princess horror movie? A: It’s called Debbie Does Dishes.
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Q: Why do Jewish Mothers make great parole officers? A: They never let anyone finish a sentence.
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A man calls his mother in Florida. “Mom, how are you?” “Not too good”, says the mother. “I’ve been very weak.” The son says, “Why are you so weak?” She says, “Because I haven’t eaten in 38 days.” The man says, “That’s terrible! Why haven’t you eaten in 38 days?” The mother answers, “Because I didn’t want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call.”
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A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he’s been given a part in the school play. “Wonderful! What part is it?” replies his mother. The boy says, “I play the part of the Jewish husband.” The mother scowls “That’s terrible. Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part.”
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Q: Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife? A: Under the vacuum cleaner.
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Q – How does a Jewish mother change a light bulb? A -(Sigh) Don’t bother, I’ll sit in the dark, I don’t want I should bother anybody.
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Did you hear about the bum who walked up to the Jewish mother on the street and said, “Lady, I haven’t eaten in three days.” “Force yourself” she replied.
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Q: What’s the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish Mother? A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.
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Jewish telegram: “Start worrying. Details to follow.”
Beware the ides of March! (I had a crappy day, too)
So a guy walks into a bar, says “Ouch.”
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Jesus Christ is walking around in heaven one day when he sees a man sitting on a bench with his head down, his shoulders quivering, obviously sobbing. So Jesus walks over to the man, puts his hands on the man’s shoulders and says “Sir, you’re in heaven. Heaven is a joyous place. The sun is shining, the birds are singing, all is well! Why are you crying?”
Without looking up, the man tells Jesus his story: “Well, I was a carpenter on Earth, and I lost my only beloved son at a very early age, and I wanted more than anything to find him in heaven.”
Full of joy, Jesus embraces the man and says “Father!”
The man looks up and says “Pinocchio!”
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I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said, “Stop! Don’t do it!”
“Why shouldn’t I?” he said. I said, “Well, there’s so much to live for!” He said, “Like what?” I said, “Well, are you religious or atheist?” He said, “Religious.” I said, “Me too! Are your Christian or Buddhist?” He said, “Christian.” I said, “Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?” He said, “Protestant.” I said, “Me too! Are your Episcopalian or Baptist?” He said, “Baptist!” I said, “Wow! Me too! Are your Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?” He said, “Baptist Church of God!” I said, “Me too! Are your Original Baptist Church of God or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?” He said, “Reformed Baptist Church of God!” I said, “Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?” He said, “Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915!” I said, “Die, heretic scum!” and pushed him off.
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Those are my three favorite jokes of all time.
My bunny (no, that isn’t a metaphor) is perfectly content to rage on your behalf. She’s already raging at whoever dressed her up in a harness that looks like a bad copy of something from International Male.
http://flickr.com/photos/marigoldmind/109043233/
Hope that someone has given you a smile or two tonight.
Smoke a joint.
What’s this?
Clip clop, clip clop
BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG
Clip clop clip clop
Amish drive-by shooting.
I’m having a hideous day too. Thanks for the cheering.
All I know is that running gangsta rap lyrics through the Monk-E-Mail system is guaranteed hilarity:
Excerpt from “Big Booty Hoes” by Notorious B.I.G. (feat. Too $hort).
The bridge joke is originally an Emo Phillips joke. I’ve told it a few times.
Did you know Jesus was Irish?
Sure! He lived at home until he was 30, hung around with his friends all day, and his mother thought he was the Son of God.
“litter the internet with my crazy rants”
I dunno, that sounds like fun. ;)
Yeah! We want more crazy rants!
That’s why we let you stay around, Robert.
Addendum to Zuzu’s Jesus is Irish joke:
And he thought his mother was a virgin.
Argh! How could I forget that part?
Thomas,
Yeah, I first heard it from my Baptist pastor at the beginning of a sermon.