Since A[manda] &J[ill] admit to being regular readers, I decided to get their attention with a post that would essentially call their bluff. I wrote an allegory about kissing, insinuating that true sexual freedom is accepting sex in all its meanings — pleasure, emotional union, and the possibility of procreation. To be truly sex-positive, one must be life-positive. Anything else stunts one emotionally and physically.
I didn’t make the point so articulately in my post — in fact, it was clumsy, awkward, and corny.
Why, yes, Dawn. It was all of that. I’m still trying to figure out why at your age you still seem to be under the impression that the kissing is all about the transfer of saliva. But do continue.
But it did the job:
Hm. What job is that, Dawn? The job of throwing a spotlight on the riddle wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a contradiction that is Dawn Eden, single, childless career woman who has All The Answers About Married Sex yet has not, apparently, fully embraced sexuality, since she’s a contracepting little minx who won’t accept her partner’s full, true being, which is manufactured somewhere near the vas deferens?
But do forgive me. I’m getting ahead of myself. Please, share.
I feel that I’m doing a public service by giving these angry people something nonviolent to do with their time. Kind of like that story, which is probably apocryphal, about how no tires were slashed in all of New York City on the night the Beatles made their Ed Sullivan debut.
That’s it! Dawn’s keeping us from a life of crime! Heck, I should have known that the reason I didn’t hear any police helicopters or car alarms last night was because all the angry feminists were too busy trying to puzzle out that clumsy, awkward and corny post about a saliva-sapping drug and nasty women who won’t accept their husband’s sperm to be shooting up the ‘hood.
Of course, Dawn lets us know that she gets something, too, from this public-spiritedness. Oh, sure, she does it mostly for the warm fuzzy glow she gets knowing that she’s occupied the time and minds of angry, angry, baby-hating, sperm-shunning women (who, let’s be honest, simply don’t deserve to be called “women,” seeing as how they’re denying so essential a part of their femininity; of course, if we were to stop calling them “women” because they contracept and won’t accept the risk of becoming pregnant, then we’d have to stop calling Dawn a woman, which is… well… um… it… well, it would be consistent, now wouldn’t it, but see, we could just be calling Dawn a “girl,“, yes, that works, Dawn is a girl, you see, because, see, she’s not married yet, but oh, you can just bet she intends to be really soon, and then, oh boy, oh, then will she just full with, simply sloshing with the manhood of her manly, mighty husband, who of course won’t let her work anymore since that wouldn’t be the wifely thing to do when one is sloshing with one’s husband’s manhood and one has to make up for many years of lost time while running around unmarried and contracepting while having dirty, dirty, unfulfilling premarital sex with men one wasn’t ever intending to marry and even then, one should have waited because that’s what Jesus would do and what the Bible says to do if one ignores the Old Testament, that is, and in any event, one must immediately become sloshy with one’s husband’s manhood and fully accept it and have as many children as God wants one to before one’s ovaries shrivel up and one loses all value as a woman, but by then one is no longer a girl anymore, either, so either one raises one’s grandchildren or one goes off on an ice floe so as not to be a bother).
But I digress. Dawn, you were saying, you clever girl?
Moreover, practically all the visitors from the angry blogs are people who would never bother to visit a blog just to read about the Biblical view of sexuality. I figure, if just one of them starts thinking about things differently thanks to coming here, then, praise God, I’ve done my job.
But even if no hearts are changed, my Truth Laid Bear rating spirals upward and my Google status improves with all the hits, so that kindred spirits have a better chance of finding this blog than they would otherwise.
Just think, that clever girl Dawn has single-handedly brought the feminist blogosphere to a grinding halt, thus sending crime levels in those big coastal cities where the angry, slutty sluts live plummeting AND increased her standing on Google and in the TTB ecosystem!
Gosh, Dawn. I stand in awe.