So Jay commented in this post about the questions that do not offend him:
I hate answering any and all questions about trans related stuff when asked by any person who hasn’t had similar experiences, or provided care for someone who has. I include in this group those folks claiming a some form of trans identity who do not desire medical modalities.
This is not how I feel.
When any person from what I loosely define as my community asks about medical issues, I tend to assume that they need to know. My personal experience probably accounts for some of my amiability; no-ho/no-op transpeople tend to be much more respectful in their queries than, say, Larry King. I understand that even for someone who does their homework, it can be very confusing to sort through available information on transition. These questions also tend to come in an atmosphere of greater respect. I know that I won’t be the only one in the room who sees these questions as a potential invasion of privacy.
But even from outsiders, there are virtually no questions that are offensive per se–setting aside the rhetorical or dishonest kind. I tend to base my willingness to talk much more on context. How well do I know this person? What other kind of interest has this person shown in me? Where are we? What other resources do they have available to them? How has their experience shaped their level of knowledge of transsexuality? Do they see me as an individual, or as an emissary?
All etiquette issues aside, if someone seems aware of that context, I have much more confidence in their ability to understand my answers. It’ll be much easier to explain “marginalization” if they don’t see their unfamiliarity as inevitable. It’ll be much easier to explain “social stigma” if they don’t assume I want to be outed. It’ll be much easier to explain “respect and privacy” if they already know not to ask about my genitalia over dinner.
But I don’t really feel angry at the people who ask stupid questions. I’m bothered by the context of the interaction. Most of the time, I do answer these questions, even when they seem rude. I’m more worried that my openness will make people believe that someone like Jay has the same preferences, or that my answers will be taken as representative.
People are rude.
I am heavily tattooed. I have been button-holed by people in the supermarket who ask question after question about my tattoos. I get that I’m very visible. I get that I seem “safe” compared to many tattooed people they see. I get that they’re curious. But I’m standing there with melting ice cream ferfuxake.
On the other hand, anyone’s willingness to answer polite questions, if you have the time and energy to do so, increases understanding in the world. You don’t have to be an emissary but if you choose to be, those can be helpful moments.
As well, I have found that the world is full of people with really amazing information that I didn’t even know existed because I was too polite to ask. I have a really good friend who is a dwarf, and I didn’t know anything at all about dwarfism until I knew her for five years because I didn’t want to be all “you’re short, what’s that about?” But as friends, in the context of normal conversation, I learned so much.
I have learned less about trans stuff than I have about dwarf stuff, even though I am friends or friendly with several transwomen. Because it feels amazingly rude to ask, and because even when I’ve asked politely, and in a warm and intimate environment, I think I’ve been rude anyway.
Now, haunting bookstores and websites is helpful, but nothing makes up for the human touch. Being human with one another is sort of the cure for normativity, isn’t it?
Here’s a question. Not for you specifically, but for anyone. How should I know which pronoun to use? I have an acquaintance that I’ve known for a few years. This person and girlfriend have been in my home, I’ve given rides to this person, I’ve met this person for movies, etc. But I’ve never known if this person was just a very butch identified lesbian or if this person was trans and not going through a physical change or would someday decide to do that. And I’ve never felt that it was my place to ask what the desires, intentions, plans were. But I had been curious which pronoun to use. After quite a while, this person’s girlfriend used the pronoun “he” so I finally know. But what is a tactful way to ask? Any tips?
(Other commenters could very well disagree with me; this is IME.)
Tell them they have something on their shoe.
But seriously, though: In this situation, it is not ill-mannered to ask. Just say something along the lines of, “I don’t want to be disrespectful, so I thought I should ask what pronoun you prefer,” and whoever it is probably won’t be offended. Being respectful about someone’s gender identity doesn’t mean never ever acknowledging any confusion on your part.
Actually, I have trouble with past/future pronouns. My very good friend’s sibling just transitioned a few months ago. She (the sibling) corrected her mother when her mother was talking about “When J. was a little boy.”
But at the time, and in Mom’s memory, J. was a little boy. Mom has changed her language in terms of present tense, but I wonder if it’s a bit much to ask someone to change the past. (Mom screws up in amusing ways, like saying “Look at my son, isn’t she beautiful?” We love Mom.)
In theory, I think that family members should do what they can to make the transitioning person in question comfortable. In personal practice, I am overjoyed that my family no longer automatically outs me in restaurants. When I complain about past-tense pronouns, it’s usually by people like journalists, who don’t have much excuse. I think Mom will eventually make headspace for her daughter’s transition such that there are no more screwups; I don’t think slips like the one you mentioned are all that bad. But then, I’m not the transsibling in question.
In theory, I think that family members should do what they can to make the transitioning person in question comfortable.
That’s a very good rule of thumb. Simple and easy to remember. I guess, being a mom, I’m sympathetic to Mom’s comfort as well. We get no slack and we’re always slipping about something (at least I am).
Well, yeah. I try not to be too picky as long as the intent is there; I know that they could have reacted much worse. I had a bad son moment just a few days ago, when my mom called to ask for help moving furniture and offered to pay me. I mean, what are children for?
I include in this group those folks claiming a some form of trans identity who do not desire medical modalities.
So, does this mean that Jay is policing the boundaries of who is allowed to identify as trans? Is this not what we complain about that some feminists police the boundaries of who is a woman (i.e., MWMF)?
Also, “trans identity” means different things to different people.
Of course Jay should answer this for himself, but I think it just means that he sees cissexual people and non-physically-transitioning transpeople as on the same level wrt asking questions.
Piny, I think you’re remarkably open with regard to questions about your identity and I see that as a great thing. However, I also understand Jay’s POV. After a while, after so many questions must start to make one feel like a zoo exhibit. That said, I imagine that if one is decorous about asking/answering questions, more gets accomplished than if people spend as much time nursing their own offended sensibilities. As someone up above said “[i]sn’t that the cure for normativity?”
*Shurg* Either way, I can see both sides. It’s a sticky issue, and you’re right, probably best left to the discretion of the individual.
I have a question, it’s not on topic per se’, but it has some relavance.
When I was a kid (16 or so) I had a friend who had mental disabilies. She couldn’t remember my name for the life of her. We were friends and talked for about 2 yrs. But she called me a nic name. Rather then my given name.
It grew on me, I took the nic name for my own. Seeing as how her husband is a very bad memory for both of us. I enjoyed that I could forget the use of my Given name.
Fast forward 18 yrs. I am 35 now, and my Mom refuses, FLAT OUT to respect my wishes to be called by my Nic name. Now we had a huge argument end of last year, and I told her if she didn’t, I would change my name permenantly and remove my given middle and last name. Regardless of her feelings.
You don’t want to know what happened.
How do you manage to tell your family to use your changed name. Obviously this is an issue you go through as well, just not in the same context. I just want her to “see” who I am. I am not who she named me. I am someone who has grown completely different then she had ever imagined. I am feminist, and I am different. She has tried my entire life to mold me into someone I am not. Her reality is not mine. Her life, I am but a passing star that she neither sees nor watches.
Any tips on how to maybe express to this woman I find it insulting, and belittling that she continues to use a “baby nic of my given name”.. and because it doesn’t matter it’s “Nee Nee” said as a “baby talk”. I fuckin hate it.
thank you in advance
Rachel,
piny is correct.
anybody can identify as trans. i can decide whether or not i will answer any question asked of me by any person, identifying as trans or not.
i’ve been thinking about this post alot these days and came to the conclusion just yesterday that i am probably a transsexual separatist ;-)
best,
jay
But…..
But……….
Wouldn’t membership in a transexual seperatist movement instantly out the participant?
(God, I couldn’t resist. Carry on.)
Not for members in the secret transsexual separatist movement.
Oh, that works. Carry on.