Good lord, is there anything that can’t be blamed on women?
Skrodzki is far from alone. It seems that for a sizable number of young men, the fact that they can get sex whenever they want may have created a situation where, in fact, they’re unable to have sex. According to surveys, young women are now as likely as young men to have sex and by countless reports are also as likely to initiate sex, taking away from males the age-old, erotic power of the chase.
“I know lots of girls for whom nothing is off limits,” says Helen Czapary, a junior at the University of Maryland. “The pressure on the guys is a huge deal.”
Ah, yes. Those horny girls and their demands. They’re insatiable. A guy just can’t keep up with their bottomless desires. It’s enough to make a guy lose his libido.
Demands by their female partners also contribute, according to educators such as Robin Sawyer, who teaches human sexuality at the University of Maryland. Sawyer recalls a young man who came to his office after class one day confessing that he hadn’t been physically aroused in more than two years. “He was 20 years old, good-looking,” Sawyer says. “I told him once he was in a relationship, things would get better. He said he could never get to the relationship because when he went out with a woman, she wanted to have sex almost immediately. He never got comfortable enough to tell them he had a problem, so he stopped dating.”
I suppose he never thought to ask the guy if he, you know, really liked girls or just thought he should.
One can argue that a young woman speaking her mind is a sign of equality. “That’s a good thing,” says Sawyer, father of four daughters. “But for some guys, it has come at a price. It’s turned into ED in men you normally wouldn’t think would have ED.”
Is it me, or is there something a little creepy about the juxtaposition of this guy’s fatherhood of four daughters and his talk of ED? Not that he mentioned it — it was the writer’s choice, and she certainly seems to have an agenda: to let the world know that Women Who Like Sex Are Bad For Men. But she doesn’t exactly explain how she came to this conclusion. From D. Colson:
And where is she getting this data from exactly? “From surveys and countless reports.” Oddly enough, Stepp never cites these sources by name and then claims later that “statistical evidence is difficult to asses because surveys are few and vary in definition.” Wait, what? Oh, I get it. Stepp is writing about increased impotence among young men based purely on anecdotes and un-told “countless reports.” Well, that’s credible journalism given that we all know how accurate anecdote-based journalism is. Fair and balanced (smirk).
In her rush to manufacture an IMPOTENCE EPIDEMIC CAUSED BY HORNY GIRLS, the writer, Laura Sessions Stepp, gives short shrift to other factors that seem a whole hell of a lot more likely to explain any increase in ED among young men. I suppose I should give her credit for at least *mentioning* them.
Combine performance anxiety with binge drinking and the abuse of drugs on campus and it’s no wonder that problems are showing up at college clinics in numbers that give the lie to the adage that impotence is reserved for the old (Bob Dole) or crazy (Jack Nicholson in “Carnal Knowledge”). The younger models who now appear in commercials for Viagra and its pharmaceutical clones reveal that the drug makers know (hope?) what the rest of us don’t: Some members of the Game Boy generation are losing their game.
Or, they’ve figured out that when one is trying to sell a sex drug to men who want to think of themselves as virile despite any erectile issues they may have, it helps to have sexy, virile men in the commercials.
Okay, maybe I won’t give her credit for mentioning other factors. But the list continues anyway:
In certain young men, impotence can be a result of diabetes, cardiovascular disease or other organic problems. But for students such as the ones Brodie and other mental health professionals see, experts point to lifestyle. An increasing number of students arrive on campus taking antidepressants, some of which reduce libido and sexual function. They consume larger amounts of alcohol at one time than in years past, killing performance. Smoking, lack of exercise and anxiety also may be factors.
“We get reports of increased stress levels starting at younger ages. These are kids living on the extreme, drinking caffeinated Red Bull and beer and working very hard,” says Thomas Jarrett, chief urologist at the George Washington University Medical Center.
And not one of those things has anything to do with horny girls. Funny, that.
Confession time: I dated a guy once who had serious ED due to taking high doses of antidepressants. He was okay with it, but then he was 45 and his doctor had specifically discussed this side effect with him. I’m going to posit that doctors who prescribe antidepressants to teenagers are a lot less likely to discuss this with their patients. Ergo, when their patients experience difficulty in getting or maintaining an erection, they freak about it.
Some of these young men might learn a thing or two from guys like my ex, who realized that Sex Can Happen Even Without A Dick:
When the tools work, there’s nothing like it, says Devin Jones, a sophomore at Maryland, who read several how-to books about sex before going all the way with his first girlfriend. “When she got an orgasm, I felt like the man,” he says in an interview, pounding his fists on his chest. Will Skelton, who graduated from George Washington University last year, says good sex “is all about self-worth. If you know you’re a helluva lover, you’re more confident with women and men.”
Jesus Christ. Did this guy actually say he was a “helluva lover,” or was that the writer’s little fillip? Ew. I won’t even go there with the chest-pounding or her earlier descriptions of Dali’s drooping clocks.
And did she even ask this guy if he thinks he’s a “helluva lover” because his dick works, or because in those how-to books he discovered the location and purpose of the clitoris?
Finally, at the end of the piece, a clue as to why so much focus on the GIRLS WHO LIKE TEH SEX CAUSING IMPOTENCE: they’ve probably fucked other guys whose performance the current guy’s can be measured against:
From his perch as psychiatry professor, then as Duke’s president, and now solely in private practice, Keith Brodie has had plenty of opportunity to observe the demons that chase older adolescent males. One of those is the idea of sex as a Division 1 sport. Sawyer at Maryland says his male students talk about the same competition. Sex should be, at the very least, about pleasure, but “they’re more concerned with how they compared to the last guy.”
So, it all comes back to the idea that girls should be virgins on their wedding nights so that they won’t know it if their husbands aren’t any good in bed. See how easy that is?
All roads lead to Gilead, after all.
I have to say, I read the article and I still don’t understand it. At all. So if you’re married and your wife has a higher sex drive than you, that’s ok, but if you’re not married, it can cause ED? Or is it just bad all the time and women have to pretend like we don’t like sex so not to offend our partner’s sensibilities and cause ED? I guess that might work for really insecure guys, but I know my husband was a lot less into sex when I was “I have no idea what I’m doing, I’m new to this, so I guess I’ll just go along with whatever you think” and made him initiate it every time than once I started being a lot more comfortable with myself and sex in general. Maybe he’s just wierd though, I don’t know.
I think those guys have self esteem problems.
But just send those sexual young women to this old pervert, I will make them happy.
;-)
I also dated a guy with ED, his was due to some serious heart problems he had since he was about 30. He was mostly fine with it. Yeah, occasionally he would lament his inability to be the hard manly super guy, but he was actually a really happy and really well adjusted guy (I dated people with a lot more psychological issues without ED). And I had the best sex of my life with him, he was the most communicative, most adventurous, and most satisfying lover I’ve ever had. Because sex wasn’t always dependent on him “getting it up” we would go for hours and he actually became much more multi orgasmic, had a great range of sensation, and had longer more satisfying orgasms with ED. At least that is what he told me :-)
*cue ominous music*
Anncr: This TRAGEDY plays itself out THOUSANDS of time a day in OUR GREAT LAND.
MAN: (Thinking to himself) “Gee, she sure is beautiful. if only I wasn’t so shy.”
WOMAN: (Thinking to herself) “He’s kinda cute. He keeps looking over here. Must be interested. He seems really shy though. Oh, what the hell)
*music builds in intensity*
MAN: (Thinking to himself) “OMG she’s coming over this way!*
CLOSE UP OF GROWING BULGE IN MAN’S CROTCH
WOMAN: (having reached MAN) Hi, My name is Mary. I couldn’t help but notice you….
*Music crecendo*
CLOSEUP OF BULGE DEFLATING
Action:
MAN runs screaming into the night.
Action:
WOMAN’S head explodes
ANNCR:
Women of America. This woman has just be responsible the permanent destruction of a sacred phallus and, though less important, her own death.
WOMEN OF AMERICA…PREVENT THESE TRAGEDIES…
GET HOME…STAY BY THE PHONE…HE’LL CALL
STOP THE SLUTTISHNESS…SAVE AMERICA!!!
Magis stop, you’re killing me. My co-workers are wondering why I’m laughing. God damn you women with your personalities and spontanaety. Be more wooden and unresponsive please. I feel so much more manly when being met with only blank stares. :)
Pffff… I’m no specialist on social matters but I do get the feeling that this has more to do with intimacy issues and relationship/rapport building problems on the man’s part than over-aggression from the woman. Heck, there are tonnes of ways to handle a potential partner who comes on too strong. Maybe these poor shmucks are sabotaging themselves by thinking that consenting immediately to any offer is a defining characteristic of manhood?
It’s funny that there are never any worries when the situation is reversed–that is, no one ever worries about a woman being uninterested in sex because she’s been heavily propositioned by a man. In fact, apparently you’re supposed to just keep pushing on her anyway since of course, no actually always means yes.
i’m confused – so am i supposed to want to have sex or not? geez, how am i supposed to keep up if these things keep changing?
I feel like I should have some more intellectual response to this, something less… carnal. But I can’t help having my dominant reaction to this piece being a desire to clap my hand over the author’s mouth and yell, ‘You fool! You’ll ruin everything! Stop! Stop! The last thing this country needs is more repressed, sexually passive women!’.
This reminds me of dating advice from my mother. She told me that when on a date, if we are playing some kind of competitive sport or game, such as pool or bowling, to be sure to not beat the man or play better than him. Because it’s important for the man to feel superior to the woman.
As a 13 year-old budding feminist, my thoughts were bullsh*. If he’s really better than me at pool, he can beat me without me “letting” him.
Ugh. So let me see if I get this right. In this porn-saturated society women are supposed to be sexually available, but not assertive in their sexuality, and they should not actually enjoy sex, but pretend to?
I **LOVE** that we’re calling erectile dysfunction “ED” now, as if it were a disease of its own, so that pharma companies don’t have to say “erectile dysfunction” in their commercials.
Eh. Fewer keystrokes.
This reminds me about that study they did where they said young men don’t find funny women attractive (because a sense of humor notes a level of intelligence, blah blah woof woof). They do all these studies with men in college then announce the results like men at every stage of life think/react that way. Studies like these are fairly faulty on many levels, but that’s just one that comes to mind.
Paris Hilton, in an interview with Rolling Stone, is quotes as saying, “My boyfriends always tell me I’m not sexual. Sexy, but not sexual.” That always chilled me to the bone, as the ultimate in sexual control over women. The ultimately desirable woman, according to this twisted theory, looks sexy, looks desirable, dresses and makes herself up to be an object of desire, uses sexual signaling to attract men… but has no libido of her own. She’s sexy, but not sexual.
*gag*
Uh, so….I have a question:
Where are these aggressive women? Can I get their phone numbers?
that is, no one ever worries about a woman being uninterested in sex because she’s been heavily propositioned by a man.
In fact, the more heavily men I didn’t care for propositioned me, the more I was afraid to approach the men I did like, because I sure didn’t want to pressure anyone else the way I was being pressured. It may not have destroyed my interest in sex, but it definitely made me less willing for the objects of my interest to find out about it.
Paris Hilton, in an interview with Rolling Stone, is quotes as saying, “My boyfriends always tell me I’m not sexual. Sexy, but not sexual.”
Was this supposed to come off as sad and wistful as it does? I wouldn’t have credited Paris Hilton with being introspective or having a sense of irony, but you never know.
In this porn-saturated society women are supposed to be sexually available, but not assertive in their sexuality, and they should not actually enjoy sex, but pretend to?
Yes. Because men need absolute control over every aspect of a woman’s sexuality in order to feel like men. Because they really, really hate themselves.
You know, all this makes me think that men have not been properly conditioned for what the sexual revolution wrought.
It’s not a problem with women; rather, it’s as though the sexual revolution didn’t seem to affect men. It’s as though nobody stood up and told men that, as women were changing to stand up and demand their own rights, that men would have to change too. So many of us are still stuck in an adolescence from which society never thought to wean us.
Women have changed, women have grown, but male culture as a whole has stayed the same. It’s as though we never realized that the sexual revolution would have to be a two-way street. Sad, really.
Why does it looks suspiciously as if Zuzu gets more pleasure and satisfaction from mockery than she gets from sex?
I’m sorry. Have you seen me fuck?
Oh, burned…
I’m sorry. Have you seen me fuck?
Why, did it fall out of your pocket? Try behind the couch.
The Magpie Herself’s mother’s advice reminded me of a question some interviewer asked Janis Joplin about her beating some guys at pool. Wouldn’t being that good scare guys off? Janis replied to the effect that she didn’t need to waste time on anyone that easily scared. The concept of a Fool Filter was quite enlightening to me.
Some people are for mocking and some are for fucking. God is good, God is great. :)
*snort*
Plus, which one of these is easier to do in blog form?
(That was rhetorical.)
(I mean it.)
Is Amanda missing a troll?
Why are feminist trying to blame women for this problem?
Untrue to feminist belief, men aren’t sex animals ruled by their dicks. SOme times men don’t want to have sex. Especially if it’s with soneone not that attractive, but other times there’s just better things to do.
When I was in college I faked many orgasms to make my girlfriends feel happy, so I could go back studying for a midtermor final. I wish I thought to tell them I was ‘limp” so I could go to the labrary or computer lab sooner, but I thought just satisfy her so I could tend to more important issues was better. God knows it kept them in good moods.
I wouldn’t be too fast to believe that ED is caused by women. You knoy you can’t believe feminist on gender issues, they just want to scare or enrage women to join their mindless rants and blind hate.
If you are in a relationship, you have to be considerate to your partners feelings and moods. Go with what works.
Methinks someone missed the entire point.
Well, zuzu, reading is hard when you had to fuck instead of spending time in the library.
I’ve since found out he left an almost identical comment at Feministing.
What is it with the rotating trolls as of late? Fitz keeps cutting and pasting at Pandagon. Are they out of material already?
What is “Me again” talking about?
Where are “feminists blaming women”?
Is this some screwy conservative doublespeak (like Rumsfeld with his known unknowns, and unknown knowns . . .) meant to make our brains explode?
Let me explain it to you simply “Me again.” No one here is blaming women–actually we’re saying exactly the opposite (you remember opposites right?). We’re saying that women are NOT to blame, but rather that societal expectations that men always be willing and ready to prove their masculinity with erections, as well as the idea the idea that sexually confident women someone kill male desire are what’s at fault.
Take your example, you should have talked with your partners and explained that you weren’t in the mood–it wouldn’t have made you less of a man, actually more of a man and a better partner for being open and honest.
Again, we see the stereotype that men are interested in nothing but sex, sex, sex, and that there must be some sort of problem if a guy would rather do something else.
Aren’t any of you folks NOT “in the mood”?
Quotes and cites.
bmmg: the article is endorsing that stereotype. If a guy doesn’t want to have sex, it’s because sexually agressive women have terrified him into impotence. As opposed to him, you know, actually not being in the mood.
I am agreeing with you. The answer to my question above is “yes,” I’m sure. That’s my point.
Okay, I wasn’t sure if you were agreeing that the article is crap or criticizing the post. Just making sure.
The complaint being made here and the one I’m making (the “guys only care about one thing” stereotype) are merely two sides of the same coin; that is to say: they co-exist.
Attention fellow straight men: If you feel like you’re expected to want sex when you don’t; if you feel like you’re supposed to serve your erection; if you feel like you have been reduced to a stereotype; then I know what your problem is. Your problem is that the two-dimensional cardboard cutout of patriarchal masculinity isn’t working for you. Fortunately, there is a long-established political community opposed to rigid patriarchal gender roles. These people are called feminists.
Instead of wishing that women were more passive, you too can be empowered to say, “I’m a human being. I am more than the sum of my genitalia. I don’t want to have sex right now.”
But wait! There’s more!
You can also see women as more than their genitalia; more, even, than the stiff cardboard cutout of patriarchal femininity. The women in your life can be actual friends and partners, instead of providers of sex and housework!
(Warning: side effects include an inability to rape or abuse women and a recognition of one’s own privilege. Seeing women as people may cause depression at the state of the world.)
Oh, where to begin…
Thomas, first off: don’t assume that because I am in favor of men’s rights that I am somehow against women’s rights, feminists, or feminism. One false assumption can really get you onto a long, misguided tangent (as you have just demonstrated).
Next, you make the mistake of using a “male” word (“patriarchal”) to describe the gender roles that keep everybody in chains. There are a lot of women, too, who subscribe to the belief that these roles and stereotypes are good and that we should stick to them, and so it’s more than a little unfair to describe them as “patriarchal.” When you do so, you take all of society’s ills, neatly gift-wrap them, and place them on the front stoop of men (alone).
Third, you falsely assume that I spend my day looking at the women around me, imagining having sex with them. I’ve never been sexually active — how’s THAT for going against gender roles — and don’t particularly care to start. Women and girls are ONLY companions to me; I don’t “use” them for sex at all.
Fourth, and most outrageously, you suggest that the other straight men here — but not YOU, of course — have this desire to rape and abuse women and do not see women as people. Again, when you are as misguided as you seem to be, it comes up rather overtly in your writing.
BMMG, I didn’t write that with you specifically in mind.
I don’t think patriarchy is enforced by men alone. However, I do think that, while it’s a bad deal for men, it’s a really really awful, oppressive system for women, and I do lay more blame on men for it than women. As Amanda Marcotte says, “I’ve never seen a woman wearing a ‘no fat chicks’ tee-shirt.” And every victim of DV I know who has had the cops at their house or gone to the hospital was a woman beaten by a man. And all the victims of rape and sexual abuse I have known were abused and raped by men. Using the “male” word for patriarchy wasn’t a “mistake.” It was a conscious decision that reflects my position.
I used the word “if” three times in the first sentence. If what I wrote does not apply to you, move along, instead of willfully misinterpreting me as accusing you of something. If you’re happy with your sex life, good for you. BTW, you may be asexual, and you ought to be free to be asexual and say so without fear of incurring prejudice.
Finally, that last sentence was written in the style of a pharmaceutical direct-to-consumer advertising disclaimer, and was intended to be funny. Now, I’m famously a Totally Serious Insufferable Douche (TM), and feminists are the ones who are supposed to have no sense of humor, but apparently you were so busy imagining that I was writing to you (personally) that you missed the joke. In any event, I am making the claim that men who rape do not see women as people, and that seeing women as people would prevent them from raping. Is that a proposition you disagree with?
Zuzu, while I’ll accept that “fewer keystrokes” explanation in your particular case, it doesn’t explain why I can watch a half-dozen viagra/cialis commercials in an evening of TV and not hear the phrase “erectile dysfunction” — there’s no keystrokes on TV! That we’re increasingly medicalizing erectile dysfunction (as we’ve already done with childbirth, PMS, post-menopausal hormonal changes, etc.) is not, I think, a Good Thing. Erectile dysfuntion — or, in English, not being able to get it up — is something that happens to men, for a variety of reasons: stress, not being attracted to one’s partner, not being in the mood, medical problems that lower the flow of blood to the extremities or otherwise interfere with the ability to have an erection, etc. It is a *symptom* of some condition. “ED”, however, is not something that happens, it’s something you “have”; it’s a condition in and of itself — and hey, how lucky is this, Pfizer has the “cure”.
This transference is part and parcel of the overall problem being discussed here, not a trivial side story. “ED” was invented so men could say “I have ED” rather than saying “I can’t get it up” — which do you think a man is more likely to say to his doctor? Why? In many cases, failure to get an erection is caused by anxiety over one’s ability to get an erection, which is only embarassing if you think you won’t be a man if you can’t get it hard. The dude who describes his college faking-it day is a case in point: how does a man get himself into a relationship where he’d rather pretend he’s aroused than just say “listen, I’m stressed and this isn’t happening for me”? It’s not like *she* can’t get off just because *he* isn’t getting wood!
You make good points, Dustin.