This transference is part and parcel of the overall problem being discussed here, not a trivial side story. “ED” was invented so men could say “I have ED” rather than saying “I can’t get it up” — which do you think a man is more likely to say to his doctor? Why? In many cases, failure to get an erection is caused by anxiety over one’s ability to get an erection, which is only embarassing if you think you won’t be a man if you can’t get it hard. The dude who describes his college faking-it day is a case in point: how does a man get himself into a relationship where he’d rather pretend he’s aroused than just say “listen, I’m stressed and this isn’t happening for me”? It’s not like *she* can’t get off just because *he* isn’t getting wood!

I don’t think patriarchy is enforced by men alone. However, I do think that, while it’s a bad deal for men, it’s a really really awful, oppressive system for women, and I do lay more blame on men for it than women. As Amanda Marcotte says, “I’ve never seen a woman wearing a ‘no fat chicks’ tee-shirt.” And every victim of DV I know who has had the cops at their house or gone to the hospital was a woman beaten by a man. And all the victims of rape and sexual abuse I have known were abused and raped by men. Using the “male” word for patriarchy wasn’t a “mistake.” It was a conscious decision that reflects my position.

Third, you falsely assume that I spend my day looking at the women around me

I used the word “if” three times in the first sentence. If what I wrote does not apply to you, move along, instead of willfully misinterpreting me as accusing you of something. If you’re happy with your sex life, good for you. BTW, you may be asexual, and you ought to be free to be asexual and say so without fear of incurring prejudice.

Finally, that last sentence was written in the style of a pharmaceutical direct-to-consumer advertising disclaimer, and was intended to be funny. Now, I’m famously a Totally Serious Insufferable Douche (TM), and feminists are the ones who are supposed to have no sense of humor, but apparently you were so busy imagining that I was writing to you (personally) that you missed the joke. In any event, I am making the claim that men who rape do not see women as people, and that seeing women as people would prevent them from raping. Is that a proposition you disagree with?

Thomas, first off: don’t assume that because I am in favor of men’s rights that I am somehow against women’s rights, feminists, or feminism. One false assumption can really get you onto a long, misguided tangent (as you have just demonstrated).

Next, you make the mistake of using a “male” word (“patriarchal”) to describe the gender roles that keep everybody in chains. There are a lot of women, too, who subscribe to the belief that these roles and stereotypes are good and that we should stick to them, and so it’s more than a little unfair to describe them as “patriarchal.” When you do so, you take all of society’s ills, neatly gift-wrap them, and place them on the front stoop of men (alone).

Third, you falsely assume that I spend my day looking at the women around me, imagining having sex with them. I’ve never been sexually active — how’s THAT for going against gender roles — and don’t particularly care to start. Women and girls are ONLY companions to me; I don’t “use” them for sex at all.

Fourth, and most outrageously, you suggest that the other straight men here — but not YOU, of course — have this desire to rape and abuse women and do not see women as people. Again, when you are as misguided as you seem to be, it comes up rather overtly in your writing.

Instead of wishing that women were more passive, you too can be empowered to say, “I’m a human being. I am more than the sum of my genitalia. I don’t want to have sex right now.”

But wait! There’s more!

You can also see women as more than their genitalia; more, even, than the stiff cardboard cutout of patriarchal femininity. The women in your life can be actual friends and partners, instead of providers of sex and housework!

(Warning: side effects include an inability to rape or abuse women and a recognition of one’s own privilege. Seeing women as people may cause depression at the state of the world.)

Again, we see the stereotype that men are interested in nothing but sex, sex, sex, and that there must be some sort of problem if a guy would rather do something else.

Quotes and cites.