It’s about an unwillingness to acknowledge the “other,” unless she gives you a boner, I think. And since she’s giving you a boner, she can’t be part of the lumpen other mass: she’s gotta be an “exotic.”

Or something.

Me, I’m White, of potato-famine Irish ancestry, and what *I* get is, “I know someone who looks just like you!” and I always ask, “do you know if their family was from Ireland?” and the answer is always yes. There are some 40 million people in the U.S.A. of Irish descent. I will never be called exotic by anyone in this country.

As for “do you know my cousin,” travel in the Third World and when you explain you’re American people go, “do you know my cousin in Houston?’ or “Detroit” or “LA” and then I explain to them that America has over 300 million people in it and I’ve never been in any of those places.

The latter is, as has been pointed out already, a form of “othering” someone.

I think the question is not whether or not exotic means different, but rather… is “different” necessarily negative?

My point of view is that in my experience it is not. I’m very happy to be exotic and different, and I’m also interested in the lives of those who come from different backgrounds than mine.

It appears that how people react to being called exotic, depends on their life experience of being different? Mine has been very positive. I was raised with so many different cultures and colors, that different, perhaps even became the norm!

Everyone has an accent (sorry, that’s a pet peeve of mine).

Chuckle – this is true. I always laugh when I’m asked by someone who has commented on mine, “Do I have an accent.” I respond, Of course you do, you have an American accent ;)

But I think in the context of this discussion, it means a non-American accent (or an “other” ore “exotic” accent ;))

Everyone has an accent (sorry, that’s a pet peeve of mine).

Plus I know many people here who are “Born American” and yet visit their parents’ country, have traditional parents living in the US, or who keep up their language and culture and traditions themselves, etc. So I don’t see “where are you from” as an unreasonable question of someone who may have an interesting culture and heritage to share? Maybe there’s a better way to phrase the question, but I don’t perceive the sentiment as rude or negative.

I guess I just don’t experience it in a negative way, because I am so used to being surrounded by so many different cultures and colors and accents none of which necessarily match, and it is such a common question to ask and because my experience of cultural differences was one of people using those differences to connect, not to separate.

So I experience the question of where I’m from (unless the person is obviously trying to be insulting) as one of genuine interest and a way of reaching out to connect with me, and not a negative “I don’t fit their stereotype of American.” (Whatever that is, and which I actually appreciate anyway, because I like being exotic ;))

In fact, when people ask me where I’m from, I mostly forget that I’m American, because I view myself as a citizen of the world. And where I’m from is a much better explanation of who I am. Not a piece of paper or an accent.

But I can see that if it is important for someone to be “American” or who has no connection to their heritage (assuming the person asking the question isn’t intending to be insulting), that it might be offensive or hurtful or just plain annoying. But I don’t think that the question is necessarily negative just because it is received that way.

But again, we all see the world through our unique life experiences…

In this day and age, though, where immigration is very common, appearance is not a signifier of where you were born. Especially not in the United States. When another New Yorker asks my friend where she’s from, they are asking her because she does not fit their stereotype of what a “typical” American should look like, despite the fact that she speaks not much differently than I do or than they do. And believe me, no one in New York asks me where I’m from. In her case, though, those asking the question give no weight to the evidence of their aural sense. They just look at her and think “she’s different”, despite every other signifier that says she is not. Even when she answers them “From New York”, they often do not let it drop. “No, really, where are you from?” What else is that except an inability on their part to consider her like themselves?

I just think that each person’s life experience is unique, and something like this could be intended as an insult (and be taken as a compliment) or intended as a way to connect (and be taken as an insult) – and sometimes you’ll be absolutely correct that it was intended as an insult — or that it was a compliment, or sometimes it was just something said to fill in an uncomfortable silence, and has no deeper meaning at all.

Frankly, I’ve not even taken being called “darkie” as an insult. I “am” dark, and my only thought (I was a kid then) was to feel sorry for the kid that had called me that, because he clearly hadn’t had much opportunity to see the world and have international friends, and even at that age I understood that he needed to be mean to me because of his own issues, and that it had nothing to do with who I was.

Then again, I’ve been very lucky to have had a lot of opportunities in life, and I’m sure that makes a difference.

Anyway, just some thoughts for what they are worth…

Obviously the differentiating factor is appearance

But also true I think, if one is blonde, but with an accent? I have several foreign “white” friends who live over here right now, who are frequently asked where they are from, because of their accents.