I’m Totally Psyched About This Abortion!

via Feministing we find this hilarious Onion article which really demonstrates how the right wing idea that young women run out and have abortions for fun is totally true:

So, to all of you pro-lifers who are trying to rain on my parade, keep it to yourself, because I don’t have the time for that kind of negativity. I’ve got an abortion to plan, and I just know it’s going to be the best non-anesthetized invasive uterine surgery ever!

The funny thing is, I actually have the pro-life movement to thank for this opportunity. If my HMO wouldn’t have bowed to their pressure not to cover oral contraceptives, I never would’ve gotten pregnant in the first place. Then what would I be doing a week from Thursday? I’ll tell you what I wouldn’t be doing: going to an awesome abortion clinic where I’ll be the center of attention from the minute I put my feet up in those stirrups. I wouldn’t be looking forward to induced dilation of my cervical opening and suctioning of my uterus, either. And I sure as heck wouldn’t get the chance to have a doctor insert a metal instrument into my womb to dislodge tissue from my uterine wall!

And the anti-choicers? At least one of them believed it, and boy did he put that little slut in her place.

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About Jill

Jill began blogging for Feministe in 2005. She has since written as a weekly columnist for the Guardian newspaper and in April 2014 she was appointed as senior political writer for Cosmopolitan magazine.
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13 Responses to I’m Totally Psyched About This Abortion!

  1. A Pang says:

    One of the best things about it? Comments like this at the pro-lifer’s blog: “I’m pro life, but sweet Jesus you’re an idiot.”

  2. Ole Blue says:

    Pointing out hypocrisy and idiocy through satire is something I love.

    I have been forwarded items from The Onion by people who believed that the article was true.

  3. Seth Gordon says:

    When I was an undergraduate, our campus pro-life firebrand once gave a speech where he described how a doctor in Sweden had sworn off abortions after literally hearing a fetus scream as it was being aborted. A few weeks later, I came across an article in the Massachusetts Citizens for Life newsletter telling the same story, and citing as their source the Weekly World News.

    I’m still kicking myself for not milking that story for a column in the school newspaper.

  4. That onion article is classic. Right up next to the pro/con “My computer totally hates me/God I hate that b—-”

  5. Kyra says:

    Of course, the pro-lifer in question quickly shows its true colors:

    Sorry ma’am, if you hadn’t had sex you wouldn’t have gotten pregnant, it’s not the HMO’s fault for not supporting your promiscuity while not married. . . .

    OK, Mr./Ms. Pro-Life Dipshit Too Stupid To Remember It’s The Onion, let’s get something straight: You’re the one who doesn’t want her having the abortion. Why the hell should she suffer so that you can get that? No birth control pills = more pregnancies = more abortions. The HMO doesn’t “support her promiscuity,” the abortion clinics will, and aside from the fact that it very much is the job of a health insurance provider to pay for the policyholder’s health-related needs, including prevention of certain adverse health complications such as an unwanted pregnancy, it is also the job of everyone who dares call herself pro-life to not deliberately put the precious babies at risk of forming inside a woman who doesn’t want to be pregnant.

    Attacking birth control is deliberately manipulating things to maximize the number of “unborn children” put in danger of abortion, illegal if not legal. And it is the height of selfishness to not only expect women to not get abortions but also to give up far more than is necessary to avoid even more suffering at your hands.

    You say you want an end to abortion. I assumed that to mean you’d be very happy if the demand for abortions dropped off sharply. Birth control does that—a sexually active woman on birth control will need far fewer abortions than a sexually active woman not on birth control. But noooo, that’s not enough, is it? You not only want to get what you want, you want us to pay for it, and you want us to pay a much higher price for it than we have to.

    It’s like going to the car dealership with your high-school nemesis, and her demanding you buy her the nice Mustang in the showroom—after she’s switched the price tag with that from a Porsche.

    Selfish things.

  6. piny says:

    That onion article is classic. Right up next to the pro/con “My computer totally hates me/God I hate that b—-”

    My favorite counterpoint ever was:

    Point: You Da Man

    Counterpoint: No, YOU Da Man

  7. ilyka says:

    I’m fond of “Sexual Harassment in the Workplace Must Stop” versus “I Love the Way Your Tits Bounce When You Type.” The sad thing is how many antifeminist arguments are almost indistinguishable from the counterpoint. (“C’mon. I’m only kidding. You can take a joke, can’t you? Sure you can. I’ll bet that’s not all you can take. Cha-ching!”)

  8. johanna says:

    Hey y’all-
    the above mentioned dolt who believed this bit is trying to prove that he’s NOT a dolt for swallowing it.

  9. raging red says:

    Your link didn’t work for me, johanna, but here’s a link to the poor clueless dude’s blog and another link crossposted at a pro-life blog. It appears he thinks the article was satire written by an actual person, not realizing that the “author,” Caroline Weber, does not exist. He has built up his image of a straw-prochoicer to such a degree that he really, really wants to believe that he has finally met her.

  10. johanna says:

    I tried to comment on one of the places he posted it to tell him that “Carolyn Weber” isn’t real, and gave him a link to the Wikipedia entry for The Onion. They haven’t allowed my comment yet.

    The poor dear.

    Thanks for fixing my link! :)

  11. Erika says:

    Why didn’t Mr. Clueless support this new medication?

Comments are closed.