Via Rebecca Traister in Salon, the Answer!
I am still single at the age of damn-near-38 because I don’t do enough housework. Oh, I don’t seem to have too much trouble with catching men, but keeping them is another story once they’ve seen the dust on my bookshelves and the dishes in the sink. Or so says Regina Leeds, iVillage’s “Zen Organizer.”
We are constantly bombarded in the media by ads suggesting that men will fall in love with us if we do any number of inane things. We see that brushing with the right toothpaste is a surefire way to capture a man’s heart. Wearing sexy lingerie will turn a man into a lovesick puppy. And, heaven knows, handing over the remote will produce instant devotion. Pretty funny, huh? In my experience, couples that truly love each other work in concert with each other. I don’t know a single happily married couple whose relationship is based on anything I see on television.
Oh, Regina, shatter my illusions, why don’t you. But, please, continue.
After we launched the Get Organized Community Challenge, I took a driving trip with an old friend. I like to pick his brain about the differences between men and women. Lots of women had been asking me how to get their husbands to do more around the house. “Why do I have to nag him to clean?” was a common lament. “Doesn’t he see the mess?”
Yes, I’ve heard that. I’ve heard men protest that they just don’t, actually, see the mess. That women are just too darn invested in the state of the home and need to learn to relax. You know, be more like men. But something tells me Regina’s friend does not agree.
So, I asked my wise friend if men do indeed notice or care about their environment. I presumed he would say “no” and then we’d kick around some ways for women to seduce a man. What he told me, however, floored me.
He said that a man did indeed notice the environment — from the first date. “I felt really hurt when my wife let the house go after we had been married a few years. In retrospect, it was one of the first signs our marriage was over.”
That hussy. Tempting him with housework and then letting the house go after she got comfortable. And maybe had a couple of kids. And a husband who didn’t pick up after himself. And a heap of simmering resentment. And maybe a boyfriend who didn’t care if there were dirty socks on the floor.
But, Regina, this is only one man, right?
Right?
I was shocked. So much so in fact that I decided to interview more men to see if my friend was the exception or the rule. Time after time all the men I spoke to repeated this theme. It became apparent that men want to be nurtured. One of the key ways the men felt a woman’s love expresses itself is with the physical state of the home. Who could have guessed? Forget the lingerie! If the house is a pigsty, the lingerie won’t help solidify the relationship.
One young bachelor, heavy into the L.A. dating scene, told me: “If the woman’s home looks like a bomb went off, I will probably forget the possibility of a long-term relationship. But, if all I want is sex, I won’t care at all.”
Oh, Regina. The Men have Spoken. I am duly chastened. If I am to leave the role of Good Time Sally behind me and become a Happy Wife, I must worship at the altar of Hoover.
Guide me. I am in your hands.
Does this mean that we should forget the importance of looks, personality and brains and morph into mini Martha Stewarts? Hardly! I encourage women to create nurturing environments to soothe their own souls. I think a calm, peace-filled environment best allows us to understand and fulfill our purpose in life. If this state of affairs attracts a man — we have earned a bonus. Remember, your home isn’t just four walls holding your furniture and clothes. It’s an extension of your very being.
Spending hours on my knees scrubbing the floors to catch a man is really, truly, Something I Can Do For Myself! Like buying myself flowers. Or a boob job. Or Botox.
How do I reach Housework Nirvana, O Wise Zen Organizing Master?
Whether you are a young woman participating in the dating scene or have been with your partner for years, why not take a few minutes to examine your home. Take a walk through and pretend that you are seeing it for the first time. How do you feel about the physical state of the house? Does it provide a calm, soothing environment? Do you find it easy to think clearly? Does the visual clutter jangle your nerves?
I will walk through the house with mindfulness. Mindfulness of my base nature, mindfulness of my slatternly, unworthy, not-deserving-of-a-man ways. With every strand of dog hair, a reproach.
Sometimes women set up a new relationship in such a way that they are responsible for everything in the home. Later, when the initial crush of love has given way to the reality of life, we feel stuck with the results of choices we would no longer make. Getting organized is a skill that many of us never learned. Just like learning a musical instrument or taking up a sport, it is never too late to start making new priorities in your life! The important thing is to establish realistic goals and practice, practice, practice.
If your house is in what you consider shambles, start by acknowledging that it took a while to evolve and it may take some time to change. Slow incremental steps lead to permanent change. And remember, give those who share your space a chance to catch up with you. That includes your husband.
Husband? What husband? Was he behind the sofa all along?
Heeeeyyyy, Regina, I thought this was a guide to catching me a man, not advice for women who’ve already landed one.
And what’s with all this contradicting yourself? First you tell me that I have to be clean and organized and practice, practice, practice, and then you warn me against taking on all the housework? But that’s how I’m supposed to catch the man! If I get one, and then I make him do any of the housework, he’ll leave me, like your friend left his wife! Men aren’t supposed to do housework!
Really, Regina. I expected more from you when I stepped on your path to enlightenment. Because single women need to be let in on these secrets of man-catching when the bear traps don’t work.
It has been my observation that it is the woman who sets the tone for the household. If she respects herself, so will everyone inhabiting the space. So whether the creation of a nurturing environment brings a man into your life (one who will be enamored by what you say and do and by the environment you have created for yourself) or if your longtime partner suddenly sees you in a new light, getting organized is a wonderful tool in your romantic arsenal. In fact, the men I spoke with confirmed this was a much more powerful aphrodisiac than sexy lingerie!
Is this what’s behind all those French Maid fantasies, then?
zuzu, it’s not every day I almost spit diet coke all over my computer. you win!
Weeeelll, you know there is nothing that makes me as horny as a clean kitchen and hearty meal waiting for me when I work in the day at the end of the day.
It is hard for me to fault men for liking it when some woman cleans up after them. I know that I would sure as hell like it if some man cleaned up after *me*. The difference of course is that I dont feel entitled to have some man come and clean up after me.
Ugh. And here all this time I thought the reason I was still single was because I am fat!
You know, speaking of French maid fantasies, if the single gal were willing to date a tranny who had a particular fetish for that one, she could probably kill two birds with one stone. clean house, and a Man to boot! and the Man will do the cleaning!! So what if he keeps making runs in your stockings? he can buy more!
I view my messy house as sort of an extra protective layer between me and a relationship with a dude who has mommy-clean-up-my-mess issues.
I like your logic, alphabitch. I pretty much do the same thing.
Course, this hasn’t stopped my exes from whining at me to cook them a dinner (I hate cooking and turn into a raging bitch when I do it), or to do their laundry, or to clean and/or rearrange my room because THEY want it rearranged. Bleah. What part of “I don’t want to be your mother” do people not get?
Great takedown, zuzu. This one’s a stunner.
My flat is a pigsty because I’m single.
1. I’ve internalised the “clean your house for your man” message to just enough of a degree that I can’t motivate myself to clean up for any other reason.
2. Cleaning and looking after the xCLP adds up to too big a load for one person. Cleaning gets the short straw.
Did anyone notice the House Beautiful magazine ad at the bottom of the article? If you click on the link, you will be taken to a webpage offering to sign you up for a trial subscription to the magazine. Notice at the bottom of the page that the magazine is owned by the Hearst Corporation. Go to the Hearst Corporation’s webpage and notice that they own iVillage.
So essentially, you have a corporate hack writing a sexist article designed to create a sense of insecurity in women with the hope of getting women to subscribe to some stupid “gotta make my house perfect” magazine.
I have found yet another reason to hate corporations and capitalism—not that I need encouragement.
Back in the day, I had a cleaning lady come once a week. When I got married, I told him it was under the condition that we keep the cleaning lady. That lasted until I got laid off my job and we had another baby and financial reality set in. And then things deteriorated. I no longer had a sparkly house. And now I no longer have a husband. So I guess Regina must be right!
I always said that if I ever remarry (ya know, like when Hell freezes over) that I don’t want a husband. I want me a wifey. I want someone to have a hot meal and martini waiting for ME after a long day and come home to a clean house and polite well-mannered children. Shoot if men get this, I want it too!
Just sayin’ is all…
I’m with Alphabitch.
I quit cleaning when I was married when he couldn’t even pick up his yucky dirty socks by himself, much less anything else. The marriage died.
I almost married again, only to have him start in on how I didn’t clean enough when a) he was between jobs, living with me, and not paying for anything, and b) he did not do any cleaning at all.
So date me, buy me dinner, have hot sex with me, but live with me? Never, ever, unless you can do your half of the cleaning.
I’ll second that girl!
I had an older guy who was a friend of mine, his marriage was on the rocks so I let him stay at my house as he needed somewhere to stay one night. I left to work and left him there the following day. When I returned, I noticed he had cleaned the house and done the dishes.
He told me the landlord had stopped by, “He was pretty surprised to see an old man answer the door and stepped back a minute and asked me who I was,” he paused and then said with a little grin, “I had the dishtowel in my hand, so I told him I was the housekeeper.”
That guy was like a hundred years old and like a father to me, but he will always be the standard I will put any man to. He was the first man I ever heard say the words, “You had better respect your mother right now mister!” to my then ten year old son. I was floored. Respect a mother? Respect a woman? I had never heard such a thing in all my years.
And he was a man’s man to boot, he needed no one to tell him who he was.
When I find a man my age like him, then I’ll consider a serious relationship with a man, until then, I clean when I want to and worry my mind with better things.
Alphabitch, you crack me up!!!!
I’m a neat freak. For ME. Whether I’m in a relationship or not, I like a peaceful and orderly home.
That said, I resent the hell out of slobs who expect that I’ll pick up after them as if I were their maid (I had a boyfriend like that also, ONCE. A sporadically-employed freeloader who said he wanted a “traditional wife.” He stayed with me but couldn’t even contribute toward my rent. I kicked him to the curb!). So, I just don’t date them. Period. I look at THEIR homes and make up MY mind.
Today, my lovers are neat freaks too. All of ‘em. They’re really not that hard to find.
My understanding is that studies show that unemplyed men do less housework than their unmarried counterparts. The “explanation” for this is usually that, by failing to be a breadwinner, their masculinity is already challenged, and doing “womens’ work” would further degrade them. “Explanation” is in scare quotes because no matter how much I hear that, it sounds more like a bullshit excuse, like all those interviews of men saying they feel uncomfortable dating a girl who insists on splitting the check or makes more than them. I want to know why exactly people seem to think that preserving the “duty” of women to stroke the male ego is in any way desireable.
I’m a complete mess. Clothes are always all over my bed. I never throw anything away. My mom still yells at me to clean my room when I go home.
This must explain why I’m single.
My mom was a neatfreak and got on us girls to clean up. Then we had to take homec. Screw that shit. I’m as messy as I want to be, and I can find everything I need it.
I really like your friend, kate. :)
I’ve always been too messy, but I’m working hard at getting better because when you have roommates it really places an unfair burden on them, and that’s not right.
I don’t really give a shit what any man thinks of me, though.
Screw that “woman’s work” crap! I read many years ago that whatever I as a man do, is by definition “man’s work.”
So when I clean house on Saturday (wash/fold laundry, wash/put away dishes, etc.), I’m doing “man’s work.” No different, in fact, than when I mow grass on Sunday (occassionally Monday) or work on my go-kart (although I’m not the world’s best mechanic).
The idea that something is “women’s work” is ridiculous, impractical (anybody with kids, hell, anybody with a “life,” knows one person — man or woman — can’t do everything) and just wrong.
Sorry to bust the bubble out there for all you manly-men!
It is hard for me to fault men for liking it when some woman cleans up after them. I know that I would sure as hell like it if some man cleaned up after *me*. The difference of course is that I dont feel entitled to have some man come and clean up after me.
This comment by Lynne (#3) nails it. Of course men like to be nurtured. Don’t we all.
A couple years ago (long story as to why) stayed with me for a couple days and my husband was out of town during the same period. When I got home from work the first day, my mother had scrubbed my kitchen floor and my bathtub, the whole place was sparkling, and she had a nice hot dinner waiting for me. When my husband got back, I said, “Can I trade you in? I need a wife!”
I love the smell of Colgate(tm) Extra-Whitening(r) with Tartar Control(c) in the morning. It smells like…victory.
Seriously, we would all, of course, love to have someone else do the housework, the cleaning, the cooking, the shopping, etc. That’s why it’s so great being a kid, you don’t have anything you HAVE to do when you get home from second grade. Most people who get married/seek a long term relationship aren’t second graders.
Ladies, it helps a lot to get this one straight right from the beginning. A few suggested ground rules – dump any guy who wants to do it differently:
Put your laundry in a separate basket. Do your own. Don’t do his.
If you have a yard, make it entirely his problem, even if the weeds make you cringe. Believe me, if you are average, you do way more than your share inside. This one is easy because he has been socialized to believe women should not operate lawn mowers and weed whackers.
The standard response to what is for dinner is, “Hadn’t really thought about it. What’s in the fridge these days?” Or, “Oh, I’m ok with just a lean cuisine. How ’bout you?”
Go ahead and clear his stuff out of common areas so you can, like, sit down and watch TV, but put it in an “entropy box” in the garage. Don’t sort it out. Every two weeks, throw the box away. Ok – I admit I pick out important receipts, cell phones, and birth certificates, but that’s it.
If you are a stepmom, never go in his kids’ room or bathroom. Ever. I am helping plan their birthday party – that’s fun. I don’t clean boy pee pee off the floor where they missed. Oh, and if you do the entropy box with the kids stuff, they lose a few toys and video games and learn not to leave their stuff everywhere.
This may seem weak minded, but tell your husband thanks when he cleans the kitchen and the like. He may pick up on the idea he needs to thank you as well. I even tell him in makes me hot when he scrubs toilets (there are studies that back this up).
Finally, don’t feel bad about using every psych trick in the book to get him to do his fair share. Chances are, his mother did all this crap for him, and you are breaking him of some very ingrained habits.
This reminds me of my male colleague telling me how I needed a spouse to help coordinate my move. Moving isn’t housework, but detail coordination is in the same women’s work category as housework. I told him I needed a wife and that was why I was leaving Texas. (I’m female).
Clearly I will always be single since I do not clean. Spot cleaning for truly yucky stuff, yes. Maintainance cleaning, no.
“I felt really hurt when my wife let the house go after we had been married a few years. In retrospect, it was one of the first signs our marriage was over.”
I suppose it didn’t occur to this idiot to HELP OUT with the housework instead of leavnig it all up to his mommy – uh, wife.
Men should definitely think about whether they are looking for a wife or a housekeeper. If the housekeeper quits, it does not cost you half your assets, fellas, and those of us who won’t be your mommy are free to look for someone else who can pick up and wash their own undies.
My house IS clean! I don’t have a man because I’m smart, tall and opinionated. I think, dear feministe, that I intimidate men.
My single women lawyer friends tell guys they meet that they are stewardresses.
I’m with bmc90. That is exactly what I have done for the last 12 years and for the most part it works or at least keeps me fairly sane. I do not do any one else’s laundry ever, for any reason. I cook sporadically and you never know when the mood will strike me (don’t even THINK of asking me if I’m cooking anything, I won’t cook for weeks then). I make exactly half of the bed every morning. The living room and kitchen are done on a rotating basis between the three of us. I will admit I never throw out the entrophy box stuff, just put it in his closet and once it starts blocking him he’ll move it. I do make a very big deal when he takes the initiative to clean something.
When our kid was younger I did make more of an effort to “organize” simply because its easier to run a household with a small child that way. However, I taught her how to cook, clean, shop, etc. along the way and she has been pretty self-sufficient for a few years. Plus, he’s pretty uh, frugal, so threatening to call a cleaning service usually will get him motivated.
I also don’t believe that comment about men not “seeing” that chores need to be done. They certainly “see” it when you don’t do it. They just don’t “see” chores being done in relation to them. Unless you make them.
I am married and I never clean. How’s that for blowing her stereotypes? He even married me knowing what a slob I am. I am probably one of the biggest slobs I know… I don’t even think you can walk through my bedroom right now. The part about making sure you have a space that is calming to you is not a bad idea at all, but it the key word is you. I wish I were more of an organized person because I do feel better in cleaner, organized spaces, but I’m not going to do it simply to please someone else.
Pockysmama, my stepson quoth the fatal excuse the other day: “But I don’t NOTICE when my things are strewn everywhere.” I replied, then WE won’t notice when your allowance is due. This after he left dirty dishes on the couch when on the way from his room to the kitchen. I spent the rest of the evening wearing a towel as a cape and doing imitations of him as a satanic being in charge of a hell where boys torture stepmothers to death with their foolishness. His brother and father (and he) found it fairly hilarious, and hopefully he got the message.
Just hire someone to do it. Take it out of the family budget.
There’s a BIG difference between saying “I don’t want to do it” (aka almost all men) and “I expect YOU to do it” (aka asshole men).
I DON’T want to do it. Sure, I like the house to be clean. But I don’t really get upset if it’s messy and I don’t want to clean it. (I like to be thin, too, but I hate to diet.) The difference is that I don’t want to stick her with the shit jobs.. but I still don’t want to clean.
My feeling was: Why should I have to clean? I hate it, and I don’t really care. But why should my wife have to clean, either? I hate it, so she probably does too, and I don’t really care. But of course SHE cares. The solution was to hire someone.
I’d much rather work more and pay a cleaner than clean myself, and so would she. Problem solved. Chatting with some friends, it seems cleaners have saved many a marriage….
Only if your life situation and your personal politics can afford it, Sailorman. Many folks can’t, so your suggestion might seem Marie Antoinnettish (“Let them eat cake”) to some.
That said, to have someone come in every now and then (once every other month perhaps?) is surprisingly affordable compared to some of the other things we spend our money on, and we don’t need to exploit immigrant labor to do it, either. I used to pay a college student $60 (less than a carton of cigarrettes, hey!)to stop by to help out for a few hours while I was in night school. Without her I would have gone insane, and she loved the money.
well, yes: no intention to be rude and I can see that might come off that way. Sorry. It’s not as if we magically have the money lying around, either, but we’ve managed to cut some stuff and work more hours. (we don’t actually have anyone to clean at the moment, bit it’s been wonderful at times).
It was more intended to be a third option. A lot of people seem to think it’s “him or her” and don’t ever consider the “neither” optoin.
oh yeah: in my experience, a lot of men will see it more easily when it gets framed in monetary terms. And it is often easier to persuade people to do MORE of what they already do (e.g. work, save, sell) then to get something new going (eg clean).
It also makes it less of an accusation.
The typical conversation is:
“Clean up please”
“But I don’t want to!”
“Don’t be ridiculous. You need to clean up. I don’t want to do it.”
“But…”
and a fight results. Nobody likes to be told what to do, even if it’s the right thing to do.
My suggestion (if you can afford it) is to replace the conversation with:
“Clean up please”
“But I don’t want to!”
“That’s fine. Neither do I. I can hire someone for $50. Your share will be $25. Are you fine with that, or do you have another solution?”
If he says yes: Problem solved.
If he doesn’t want to pay, and cleans up: Problem solved. But because it was a CHOICE (pay or clean) inatead of a COMMAND (clean, now!) he “owns” the decision more. He’ll actually clean up.
If he suggests an alternate solution: Conversation is good. Work it out.
If he won’t pay, and won’t clean: DTMFA (courtesy of dan savage).
though there is always the lysistrata tactic
I am a big believer in farming out sticky issues to third parties, like hiring someone to clean for you. You take the issue right off the table. For those folks that can afford this option, its a great solution.
But some husbands don’t think that money should be spent on that, because its the woman’s job to keep the house clean. Its about what their perception of being a “good woman” is. If you were a “good woman” you wouldn’t need a house cleaner.
I have a friend right now who is struggling with the kids/job/house. I got her in touch with another friend who cleans houses at a reasonable rate. But hubby won’t sign on with the idea. He also has told her that its not his job to help with housework as she makes less money than him and therefore has to make up the difference by contributing around the house more.
Yes, the guy is a buffoon. But sadly I don’t think his attitude is unique. And she has been married to him for 14 years, has two kids and just getting back in the work force, she’s not leaving him. Yet.
DTMFA?
For her sake, I’m hoping she does. But divorce means being able to stand on your own two feet financially and she’s not there yet. Men like him rely on that.
I do this with my boys. The older one (9) came downstairs one day and bitched me out about not having enough clean underwear. I figured that was the day he needed to learn to do his own laundry. So now he does, still with some assistance but less every week. We don’t go anywhere until the house is picked up. You want to go to the movies, pick up your crap. Even my 3 year old is expected to pitch in to his ability.
I figure I’m not raising boys. I’m raising humans. You respect your environment and work as a team. You don’t make yourself a burden on someone else.
You have to learn this from an early age.
DTMFA: “Dump the motherfucker already;” it’s a phrase from Savage Love. Which was sort of a joke, since it doesn’t really work in a marrige that well.
I guess I’m lucky. I read things like this “But hubby won’t sign on with the idea. He also has told her that its not his job to help with housework as she makes less money than him and therefore has to make up the difference by contributing around the house more.” and think “what the fuck? People like that really still exist?” And of course I KNOW they exist mentally, it’s just that (shudder) I’m not friends with any of them, and none of my family members are married to any of them (double shudder) so it’s good to get a reminder sometimes.
Though actually i do remember the number of really amazed women in college who would see me sorting lights and darks in laundry. It never occured to me someone would not know how to wash clothes but as I’m learning, never say never.
Dump the motherfucker already.
When my stepson said before school one day he had no clean pants, I looked at him blankly and said, “What can I possibly do about it right now. You will have to wear dirty ones.” I remind them to bring their laundry down and supervise loading, but after that, it’s all them. Someone else failing to have clean clothes is NEVER your problem, unless that person was recently potty trained.
That poor woman with the A-Hole husband should take every dime that it would take to pay the house keeper and sneak it into the separate account she will build up so she can leave this idiot.
I guess the concept of a “bachelorette pad” never caught on. See, it’s cute when single men are slobs, but it’s a character flaw when single women are. Of course, character flaws won’t get in the way of a good fuck for guys like this – he can consider her to be a slut or a slob and he’ll still fuck her, he just won’t respect her as a person.
Actually, my now-husband’s apartment gave me serious pause. For many months, he was afraid to let me see it. However, it was made abundently clear to him that we were not going to live together that way. He is not perfect, but he does try very hard to make me happy with the state of the house, so I try not to nitpick about how long it takes him to put his clean laundry away. At least I don’t do it or fold it. And I try to notice his effort. Certainly I would not say that male slobishness counts for nothing.