August 15, 2006 — KOOKY comedian Andy Dick went bonkers at the Comedy Central roast of William Shatner on Sunday night – licking the faces of Farrah Fawcett, Carrie Fisher and Patton Oswalt before biting Post reporter Mandy Stadtmiller on the hand during a bizarre backstage meltdown.
Dick’s face-licking frenzy began after Oswalt made a crack about the scraggly star’s rollerskate-licking turn in Jessica Simpson’s video, “A Public Affair.” Dick retaliated by unleashing his tongue on Oswalt’s face before turning it on Fawcett, Fisher and “Star Trek” actress Nichelle Nichols during the taping at the Radford CBS Studio in Studio City, Calif.
Note that, other than Oswalt — who made the crack — all of his victims were women. I doubt he’d try that with Leonard Nimoy. But a woman who was persuaded not to quit her job by MLK because her role was so groundbreaking, and who inspired Dr. Mae Jemison to become an astronaut? Hey, she’s just a woman. It’s safe to assault her.
Backstage at the after-party, a drunken Dick groped an appalled Stadtmiller, tried to kiss her, proclaimed his love for her and finally bit her hand.
“Baby please,” Dick repeated six times. “Put in something nice,” he said after urinating in front of the horrified journalist in his dressing room and offering her cocaine.
“They’re so mean,” he ranted. “I’m not weird. Maybe I’m a little weird, they make me out to be a monster, I’m not a monster . . . I just want to have fun, baby please.”
Does this situation remind you of anything? The assault on a female reporter, the freaking out over what the reporter might write, the bizarre behavior and sense of entitlement, the fake remorse?
But of course it gets worse:
Dick, who performed his roast routine dressed in full Trekkie regalia, said that he downed two vodka cranberries to give him the courage to talk to fellow roaster Fawcett – of whom he said, “I’m going to [bleep] the [bleep] out of. Put that in Page 6, 7 and 8, that’s how big my [bleep] is.”
Well, at least he didn’t have his lawyer vouch for the size of his equipment.
Explaining to Stadtmiller why he urinated in front of her, Dick said, “You know why I don’t close the door? Because then people think I’m doing drugs, and I want you to know I’m just normal.”
And why did Dick go on his licking spree? “I was doing it because I was desperately trying to tie the show together like a fisherman with tuna, and you’re a little piece of fresh tuna,” Dick told Stadtmiller. “But thanks for asking. Do you want me to lick your face now?”
The comments about Fawcett are especially creepy. He probably figures that just because he beat off to her poster in the 70s that he was entitled to [bleep] the [bleep] out of her — and that she was a bitch for (undoubtedly) being rather unhappy about the situation when he assaulted her.
Long story short: this guy is seriously unbalanced, and the industry needs to stop rewarding him with attention and money. It’s not like he’s funny, either.
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