Don’t you know we’re at war?

I don’t spend that much time at Townhall. Which is too bad, because I’ve been missing out on some prime wingnuttery. Ladies and gentlemen, I bring you Kevin McCulloch.

Commonsense thinking, or its lack thereof, will be the determining factor as to whether or not American society survives.

Please understand without clarity there is no common sense and without moral absolutes there is no clarity. For immoral liberals, it is a vicious cycle.

Whee! We’re off to a rollicking start, here! Liberals have neither morals NOR common sense, and it is only common sense that will save society!

I do wonder what, exactly, these people think “American society” is, and what sort of extinction it’s facing. The best I can figure, they want to return to some sort of pre-Enlightenment era where men were Men and women were disenfranchised. Or at the very least, some kind of pre-Civil Rights Era past.

Yet is it too strong a statement to say that the survival of American society depends upon the common sense that moral absolutes give us?

In a word – no!

Because, you see, liberals have no morals. That’s why the liberal stance that torture, disenfranchisement, discrimination and inequality are all moral wrongs can be so airily dismissed by the likes of Kevin McCulloch. That common sense that comes from the moral position that black people are human beings? Doesn’t count. That common sense that comes from the moral position that men and women are equal? Nope. That’s not the kind of common sense that’s going to save our society.

So, enlighten us, Kevin.

For people of common sense there is a second war that we are engaged in and like the first it was not a war that we started – but like unto the first it is one that we must fight, and more importantly one that we must win. It is a near daily assault on our sensibilities as people. It is an all out blitz-kreig on our families, faith, and value system. It is requiring that our 1st and 2nd graders identify their sexual organs and feelings to strangers who parade about as public educators.

It’s been a lot of years since I’ve been in first or second grade, but I don’t remember having to identify my sexual organs and feelings to strangers. But perhaps things have changed since 1976, and elementary school is now one big orgy. Parents?

It mandates that we sacrifice our under-age daughters’ wombs to the butchers of Planned Parenthood.

I also have to wonder at the common sense of someone who believes that Planned Parenthood requires sacrifices. I mean, by definition a pregnant girl isn’t a virgin anymore, so there’s no real use throwing her into that particular volcano. I’d also question his use of the term “mandates,” but then, Mr. Common Sense here probably thought that getting just over half the popular vote gave Bush a mandate to be king. Unless, again, I’m missing something — I was a virgin until past the age of majority, so perhaps I just missed out on the fun of being sent off to the butchers, as required by law. Had I known, I would have worked harder on getting myself laid.

It outlaws the ability of parents to teach their children the lessons of right from wrong as my parents did with me via a firm swat on my overly plump backside.

Egads! Can’t beat the children? Horrors!

And it is attempting to brainwash our youngest with the cursed idea – that men and women are not equal – but rather the same.

Quite an active “it” there, doing all this multitasking. Makes me think of Tim Curry all done up in clown makeup, lurking in the sewer.

It is an agenda that seeks to keep mankind from being treated equally regardless of the color of his skin – unless it can be manipulated to benefit a political party.

Dammit, a white man can’t be guaranteed a job any more with all this fair competition!

Just when you thought Kevin couldn’t get anymore deliciously wingnutastic, he busts this out:

It is mandating that we ignore what our faith leads us to believe while being forced to accept an evil, deceitful agenda from the godless in elite places who ignore moral absolutes and force their view onto us from their lofty towers in Hollywood, the Judiciary, the halls of Congress, and the lecterns of Academia. We call these elitists – The Diabolical Dagger Society!

Um, sweetie, the Republicans control Congress and pretty much the Judiciary. And for all your talk about “Judeo-Christian” values, we do recognize that “Hollywood” and “Academia” are pretty much dog-whistle code words for “Jews.” Really! Just ask Bill Donohue or Mel Gibson.

But, Kevin, who can save us from the nefarious Diabolical Dagger Society? Whatever shall we do?

The Diabolical Dagger Society has launched attacks, and I for one have had enough. Moral values, some would even dare call them biblical, and the common sense that they give us are in severe deficit, and the MuscleHead Revolution is being waged today, even at this moment, to crush the DDS once and for all.

MuscleHead? Revolution? Um…

In our counter-attacks we must commit ourselves to some simple principles – things like recognizing the origin of morality and common sense. When society says, “If it feels good – do it,” sometimes we need to say – “no.”

Hey, knock yourself out; nobody’s stopping you from following your own morals, not even the DDS (okay, now I’m thinking about a bunch of immoral dentists). Just don’t expect everyone else to be on board with that.

We need to recognize that while the godless elites do not believe “all men are created equal” – God does – and it is up to us to insist they be treated so. Yet we also need to be very careful not to confuse equality between men and women – with its bastardized substitution – sameness.

By the way, Kev, you got some kind of membership list for the DDS? Because I don’t recall anyone at my local meetings maintaining that men and women are the same. Maybe there’s some cell in Cleveland that’s into that. Looks to me like a strawman so you can argue that those who seek equality are really seeking sameness, and in order to preserve the differences between men and women, it is necessary that women be subservient to men. Because some animals are more equal than others.

We need to recognize and continue to prove that conservatives have far more ability to express compassion than liberals.

HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh, sorry. Go on.

Our opponents in this Revolution are not fighting us in a boxing ring with gloves on, a referee calling fouls, and a bell that rings every two minutes. This MuscleHead Revolution is not a polite contest of sport. It is a back alley brawl and the Diabolical Dagger Society is coming at us with broken bottles and switchblades in hand. Our boxing gloves are of no use – and could in fact get us killed. No – we must crush – or we will be crushed.

Awww, eliminationist rhetoric. How very moral of you.

Why we fight the MuscleHead Revolution is simple because it is the process of overturning liberalism through the use of commonsense thinking. Muscling up our mind with these basic principles is the method we use to arm ourselves, but we need to arm our neighbors as well.

But how, Kevin? How can we do this?

Get yourself – and your neighbor – a copy of my brand new book The MuscleHead Revolution.

Oh.