Other than bungling the capture of Bin Laden, wrecking the economy, breaking the Army in Iraq, and fucking up the Katrina recovery, he’s doing a GREAT job!

There’s a reason Jonah Goldberg is called the Pantload. Take a gander at the latest LA Times column he’s fished from his adult diaper:

LORD KNOWS I have my problems with President Bush. He taps the federal coffers like a monkey smacking the bar for another cocaine pellet in an addiction study. Some of his sentences give me the same sensation as falling backward in one of those “trust” exercises, in which you just have to hope things work out. Yes, the Iraq invasion has gone badly, and to deny this is to suggest that Bush meant for things to turn out this way, which is even crueler than saying he failed to get it right.

Translation: I need to establish my contrarian cred prior to giving Bush a rimjob, and others have already broken ranks on these two issues, so I can be “contrarian” without actually sticking my neck out.

But you know what? It’s time to cut the guy some slack.

Translation: Commence rimjob!

Of course, I will get hippo-choking amounts of e-mail from Bush-haters telling me that all I ever do is cut Bush slack. But these folks grade on the curve. By their standards, anything short of demanding that a live, half-starved badger be sewn into his belly flunks.

Strawliberals set up as unreasoning, psychotic, vicious Bush-haters with no valid arguments whatsoever, making it easier for me to “prove” my points: check.

And then there’s Hurricane Katrina. Yes, the federal government could have responded better. And of course there were real tragedies involved in that disaster. But you know what? Bad stuff happens during disasters, which is why we don’t call them tickle-parties.

Yeah, shit happens. I’ll pretend it’s not newsworthy that an entire region of the country lies in ruins, and that the federal government hasn’t completely fucked up the recovery through foot-dragging and mismanagement and lack of funding. Any continuing misery in the region is not my concern, because if I granted any credence to the idea that the continuing misery of the Gulf Coast was more newsworthy than the JonBenet Ramsey case, I might have to actually concede that those vicious Bush-hating strawliberals are right.

The anti-Bush chorus, including enormous segments of the mainstream media, see Katrina as nothing more than a good stick for beating on piñata Bush’s “competence.” The hypocrisy is astounding because the media did such an abysmal job covering the reality of New Orleans (contrary to their reports, there were no bands of rapists, no disproportionate deaths of poor blacks, nothing close to 10,000 dead, etc.). It seems indisputable that Katrina highlighted the tragedy of New Orleans rather than create it. Long before Katrina, New Orleans was a dysfunctional city in a state with famously corrupt and incompetent leadership, many of whose residents think that it is the job of the federal government to make everyone whole.

Those Katrina victims should just shut up and remember that it’s all their fault for not growing gills in the first place:

SUPERDOME RESIDENTS [Jonah Goldberg]
I think it’s time to face facts. That place is going to be a Mad Max/thunderdome Waterworld/Lord of the Flies horror show within the next few hours. My advice is to prepare yourself now. Hoard weapons, grow gills and learn to communicate with serpents. While you’re working on that, find the biggest guy you can and when he’s not expecting it beat him senseless. Gather young fighters around you and tell the womenfolk you will feed and protect any female who agrees to participate without question in your plans to repopulate the earth with a race of gilled-supermen. It’s never too soon to be prepared.

Yeah, the MEDIA got it all wrong! Never mind that I’m part of the media.

Then, of course, there’s the war on terror. Democrats love to note that Bush hasn’t caught Osama bin Laden yet, as if this is the most vital metric for success.

Pay no attention to that “Dead or Alive” business.

Yes, it’d be nice to catch Bin Laden — no doubt Ramsey Clark, the top legal gun for both LBJ and Saddam Hussein, will be looking for a new client soon.

Ha! Ha! Liberals are terrorists!

But even nicer than catching Bin Laden is not having thousands of dead Americans in New York, Washington and L.A. Contrary to all expert predictions, there hasn’t been a successful attack on the homeland since 9/11.

We’ll just keep those anthrax attacks between us.

Oh, and let’s not mention that those thousands of dead Americans in New York, Washington and Pennsylvania happened on Bush’s watch. After he was specifically briefed that Bin Laden was determined to strike in the U.S. Using airliners. That was Clinton’s fault.

Political dissatisfaction with the president rests entirely on Iraq and overall Bush fatigue. The rest amounts to little more than Iraq-motivated brickbats gussied up to look like free-standing complaints. That’s how hate works: It looks for more excuses to hate in the same way that fire looks for more stuff to burn.

Even though it’s an overwhelmingly unpopular war that’s sucking up resources, breaking the military and the economy, destabilizing the entire Middle East, creating terrorists where there were none before, destroying America’s reputation abroad, and killing and maiming thousands of American service members and Iraqis — hey, it’s just a trifle.


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19 Responses to Other than bungling the capture of Bin Laden, wrecking the economy, breaking the Army in Iraq, and fucking up the Katrina recovery, he’s doing a GREAT job!

  1. car says:

    Yeah. Now contrast that with what Keith Olbermann said yesterday. At least someone’s saying something now.

  2. Tuomas says:

    Breaking the army in Iraq?

    No hyperbole there!

  3. human says:

    And with the word “tickle-parties” I suddenly find myself with an overwhelming urge to smash this asshole in the mouth with my fist. How unladylike of me.

  4. Hestia says:

    Criticizing Bush: unjustified hatred.

    Criticizing liberals: a completely reasonable pasttime.

    And that concludes our “Things I Have Learned from Jonah Goldberg” part of the program.

  5. Tally Cola says:

    His Superdome thing is shockingly appalling. What a dick.

  6. No hyperbole there!

    No there isn’t any hyperbole there. William Lind, very conservative and a expert on tactics and strategy, has warned that a Jena level defeat is probable in Iraq. Jena is the battle where Napoleon broke the Prussian army completely, a total route. So yes the US army is being broken in Iraq.

  7. Great post zuzu! Thanks for taking this asshat to task for his raging asshattery.

  8. Tuomas says:

    William Lind, very conservative and a expert on tactics and strategy, has warned that a Jena level defeat is probable in Iraq.

    What. The. Hell. Utter nonsense. There isn’t any regional actor in the area that could “rout and crush” the US Army.

    My point was that when you look at tactical side of the equation — a loss of little over than 2000 troops in completely occupying a country the size of Iraq, it is far from “breaking the army”.

    An entirely different question is whether the US Army can achieve any meaningful goal in Iraq (other than deposing Saddam which is already achieved), whether it is possible to win the “hearts and minds”.

  9. zuzu says:

    Tuomas, breaking the army is more than a matter of losing 2000 soldiers. I notice you don’t mention the tens of thousands of wounded, many of whom have lost limbs or have traumatic brain injuries and may never work again.

    You also need to look at the fact that many of the soldiers and Marines in Iraq are on their second or third tours of duty. You have to look at the fact that many of the troops over there are National Guard troops, who did not sign up for extended tours of duty on foreign soil (in fact, their deployment to Iraq meant that there were far fewer NG troops on US soil available to deal with Katrina). You have to look at the fact that the Army has been slashing its mental and physical standards, and has raised the minimum recruiting age to 43, but hasn’t met its recruitment quotas in years (unless, of course, they’ve lowered the quota so that it appears that they’ve met their targets). You have to look at the fact that recruiters are so desperate that they’re lying to recruits and committing suicide because of the pressure. You have to look at the fact that there is no end in sight, because Commander Codpiece has said that no sir, he won’t consider any troop reductions while he’s in office. And you have to look at the fact that there are no identifiable objectives or goals for ending this thing.

    And in no way is the US military “completely” occupying Iraq. The Green Zone, maybe. The British seem to have a pretty good grip on Basra. But the US military is subject to attacks daily all over Iraq from the population.

  10. Tuomas says:

    Is it bad? Obviously.

    Has the army been broken? No, I don’t think so. Quite far from it.

    And you have to look at the fact that there are no identifiable objectives or goals for ending this thing.

    I did, which is exactly why I’m sceptical about the whole thing.

  11. Coopster says:

    My point was that when you look at tactical side of the equation — a loss of little over than 2000 troops in completely occupying a country the size of Iraq, it is far from “breaking the army”.

    But “breaking the army” isn’t a tactical issue, it’s a strategic one. The fiasco in Iraq is not only demoralizing the troops currently in uniform, it’s creating a generation of young people who will be extremely reluctant to sign up in the future, similar to the situation in the 1970’s immediately following Vietnam.

    The Army may not be broken in one fell swoop in Iraq, but it will be broken for many years to come.

  12. norbizness says:

    That’s right, all those callups and the National Guard not having any equipment and the age rocketing up about 10 years and around 15000 serious injuries. No problem! Apart from that, how did you like the war, Mrs. Lincoln?

    The secret origins of Jonah’s nickname (“Doughy Pantload”) began in May 2004, when the Earth was young and the internet was still cooling.

  13. Rhiannon says:

    Here’s something, sort of related to “the next gen of soldiers” thing… just last week my sister’s high school tried to get her to sign a release of information form for THE ARMY, so the school could release her information to the Army…. I told her NO WAY.

    How is it even LEGAL for them to ask my 16 year old sister to sign that anyways? Shouldn’t that be up to her parent/guardian? At least until she’s 18…

  14. Esme says:

    Rhiannon, if I recall correctly, a condition of No Child Left Behind was that high schools were required to turn over student records to the army for the purposes of recruitment. The movement to get “opt-out” forms out to parents was the Leave My Child Alone campaign spearheaded by Cindy Sheehan I believe. I don’t currently have the energy to find my links for it, but google is, in fact, your friend.

  15. Mary says:

    When my little cousin turned 18 a couple years ago he signed up for the army, and the army promised him he would not be sent to Iraq. Well, surprise surprise, he was shipped off to Iraq the moment he completed his training. So fucked up….
    Oh, and “the homeland”? Such a creepy term…

  16. Buffalo Gal says:

    ah, Norbizness: “Unfrozen Caveman Columnist.” pure, classic, and so, so right.

  17. kate says:

    My daughter and some of her then uncommitted to anything friends have found themselves over the last couple of years stopped in shopping malls, in front of diners and everywhere else where young kids hang out, by recruiters wanting them to sign information forms and meet them for their one on one propaganda forums. They promise free money, free college, lotsa fun and nothing about fighting in a war. In fact, when the kids (mine usually) would ask about whether they’d be deployed in Iraq, the recruiters gave pat answers of denial.

    For low income kids who see college as a rich man’s right and a poor kid’s impossibility, low wage jobs and no future, the army recruiters offer a juicy bit of hope. They target low income kids specifically, knowing that their social floundering and lack of direction makes them ripe for the picking.

    Overheard whilst waiting for a friend in a Dunkin’ Donuts where FoxNews was bleating out of an overhead television on August 31:

    “Up next, should the government pay for every natural disaster? We’ll talk to _______ to investigate why just possibly the best option is for the government to opt out completely in the disaster clean-up business.”

    …a government official from some part of the war machine, “…we’re winning in Iraq, there’s no question about it, we have a moral duty to stick it out and in force….”

    reporter to lacky supposed to offer counterpoint…”So, are you saying that the press coverage in Iraq is not accurate? Are you saying that there is a press cover up?”

    Lacky, “No, I think the coverage is getting the full story to the American public and the American public doesn’t like what they see…we’re not saying to get up and leave now…but the public wants an end to this…a plan toward gradual deployment…”

    I listened to this whole snippet exhange and couldn’t believe how the Faux News reporter attempted time and again to paint the ‘liberal’ into a corner as an ‘extremist’. The ‘liberal’ backs off by disclaiming the ‘extremist’ views and basically trumpets Liebermanism couched as ‘the left’.

    That people listen to and watch this propaganda unfold before them 24/7 and believe it as news just makes me ill.

    A plumber I hire, one of my subs, said once to another on a jobsite, “You remind me of….oh, who’s that guy on Fox News at 8?” or something to that effect, assumption being that everyone else, like him has their eyes and brain glued to that shit. He’s a vietnam vet. We discussed once the ravages of war and the social tragedy it causes, “Well at least there are some people willing to fight those wars for us.

    When the general public exhibits, like my plumber, a complete lack of ability to think critically and analyze their information, then we are in serious trouble.

  18. GlennB says:

    Yes, good post, zuzu.

    In answer to Tuomas, Iran has the capability to infiltrate southern Iraq. I have seen (albeit rarely) speculation that our major supply line could be strangled, as they are truck convoys that travel north from the gulf. Sitting ducks for guerilla attack. I don’t know how true this is, and don’t have references handy.

    Iran also may be collecting anti-ship missiles (China is) and could provide a major distraction in the gulf. (Heck, we had a ship nearly blown out of the water – accidentally, it was mistaken for a tanker – by our ally Iraq during the Iran/Iraq war.)

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