And before the bandwagon comes in with their accusations of “I bet you never–”, I was raped and molested repeatedly as a child. So I have issues. I tried forcing myself to have sex with my boyfriend; I freaked out. A couple of weeks later, I tried again, and yet again I freaked out.

It might be the same for his wife. She might have tried to push herself to have sex, and the crying and panic attacks were the end result. And if that is the case, then she is in the wrong, because she is not only hurting her husband (if every time I tried to have sex with someone I loved they started crying, I would think I was doing something horribly wrong and feel guilty), but she is damaging herself by trying to put herself through something that she is not ready for.

Everyone has issues, but just because you have issues does not mean you get to toy around with a person on puppet strings. Which is what she is doing, even though it is most likely unintentional.

If she can not handle having sex then she needs to be honest to her husband about it. People can become very insecure and frustrated when it comes to things like this. I should know. I refused to tell my boyfriend anything about it. I knew he wanted sex, but I refused to end it with him, knowing that I would never be able to give him what he wanted. The end result was him threatening to rape me. (And I know my boyfriend had no right to threaten to rape me; but I should have avoided a situation that was slowly becoming worse. I believe that both parties in a relationship must take responsibility; because I refuse to have people thinking “Oh she’s just a woman, what could she have possibly done against the big strong man?” )

I am not saying that this is her fault. In the words of my mother, “They need to either shit or get off the pot”. There is no use for them staying in a relationship where both will be unsatisfied.

Solid birth control would be a really good idea, though, if they ever do in the near future get to the point where they actually consummate the marriage. I hope their religious beliefs don’t include any strictures against that. Because this does not look like a marriage that’s ready for a pregnancy.

That way she gets her space and he gets a chance not to be seen as a monster for wanting to be intimate with his wife. He won’t be able to win in this situation. The longer he is there the worse it will get. As he said less and less from him is upsetting her more and more. Pretty soon she’ll be crying from his body warmth in the bed.

and over at Pandagon you’ve got Amanda and several others claiming that the wife is abusing her husband.

I guess it just shows how our own personal experiences can cloud the way we percieve things

Yeah, I noticed that myself. I think Amanda’s great, but she seemed to be reading all kinds of things into this guy’s letter that weren’t there, like the wife attacking and scapegoating the guy as dirty for wanting to have sex or holding his life hostage for years, or whatever. I don’t see any of that in the letter. I’m sure I’m reading into it too, but it’s not based on personal experience, I’m only in high school and don’t really relate all that much to either partner. :)

Here, let’s use a NON-SEX example for a moment: If I started to cry and get upset every time my wife asked me to clean or do childcare, would anyone seriously suggest that she stop asking me? That she alter her behavior to take all the load? That she work around it?

Look, the wife seems to be a person who’s scared and lonely and has a lot issues here. What good does it do to conceptualize her as some kind of dilettante who’s willfully slacking and refusing to contribute her fair share of laundry to the marriage? Bottom line, what he’s doing isn’t working. This is a difficult and sensitive issue, and if he’s not willing to be patient about it fine, but if he wants the situation to change, making demands on this model you’re proposing is ridiculous. It’s like, would you rather be right or would you rather help your wife who’s troubled and help your marriage in teh process.

# Lorelei Says:
September 20th, 2006 at 4:35 pm

You know…

if two people have been dating for three years, and one party did not want to have sex at all during that time and kept saying no, I don’t think any of the commenters here would’ve seen a problem with this.

So… what changes when you’ve been married for three months? They’ve signed some document and had a fancy ceremony and now sex is in a way ‘expected’ from both parties?

What is the difference?

The difference bewteen dating and marriage is that when you’re dating, you are able to end the relationship at any minute, with few consequences. That’s what “dating” is: you may feel sad, your partner may feel sad, but by its nature it is a transitory state and you can end it at will.

That’s why it’s considered much more OK to refuse to compromise when you’re dating. If your partner doesn’t like what you do (or if you don’t like what your partner does) it’s easy to walk. No sex? Check. Lots of sex? Check. You can get–and enforce–what you want without a whole lot of compromise.

Marriage is ostensibly permanent. That’s what makes it different from dating. Marriage by its permanence contains an inherent promise to compromise: to attempt, at times, to prioritize “staying together” over “doing what you want.”

So a more interesting way to phrase your question could be: “if two parties were dating and were planning to have sex in three years, and when the time came, one party decided they didn’t want to have sex at all, would it seem at all odd for the other party to be upset and break up with him/her?”

Marriage it at the least a lot more legally binding and difficult to terminate than dating. And for these folks, it is quite likely a holy covenant and promise overseen by God, with all the inherent spiritual requirements. That means it’s a different viewpoint than dating.

On the “He keeps pushing” thing: Merely because someone gets upset about something is not a reason not to want it, or even not to try it, or ask for it. Otherwise one member of the relationship can easily control the marriage. While there may be a specific area where avoiding making your spouse unhappy is a good idea, it’s not fair to say generally that anything which makes your spouse cry is 1) your fault, and 2) something you should not do.

Here, let’s use a NON-SEX example for a moment: If I started to cry and get upset every time my wife asked me to clean or do childcare, would anyone seriously suggest that she stop asking me? That she alter her behavior to take all the load? That she work around it?

Of course not. People would realize that her need/desire to have a participatory husband was a need to balance against my need/desire not to be upset. The fact that I get to use the words “upset” and “cry” doesn’t mean I’m right.

Same here. His wife has as much ability to divorce as he does though neither of them seem to want that, at least not from the letter. The crying problem can be stopped by either party–he could live celibate, or she could agree to talk about it and/or go to counseling. (everything from the letter, including its mere existence, suggests that he would be willing to delay trying sex if she was willing to address the issue in the mean time). So enough of the “he’s a meanie who’s making her cry!!!” stuff. It’s in her control as much as his.

From the information given all this is BS.

What if the guy sucks in bed and is so frustrated that he starts to poke her right away. He says he is inexperienced.

What if she really doesn’t like sex. Some people are this way.

Most likely it is a combination of factors and as the grandparent had correctly pointed out the main reason probabely lies within that religious virginity fetish and all the pressure sourrounding it.

To find out what actually is wrong they will have to reveal very private stuff and should do so with the help of a counselor and maybe only to each other.

I guess it just shows how our own personal experiences can cloud the way we percieve things.

Otherwise, they would need to be prepared to pay. As far as I know, nobody subsidizes sex therapy at all, but marriage counselling can sometimes be found on a sliding scale basis.

I agree that it would probably help for the guy to get counselling himself even without his wife.

She has issues, yes, but from his letter it sounds like he only cares about her issues insofar as they are keeping him from having the sex he wants. No, it is not unreasonable for a husband to want to sleep with his wife. It is unreasonable for the biggest problem you have with your wife having a panic-stricken emotional breakdown to be the fact that it means you aren’t getting any. This guy sounds like he’d be just fine with it if she grit her teeth and let him get on with it. He should want her to seek counselling so she can be happy, well-adjusted, and able to enjoy her sexuality.

Bingo. I don’t see him saying my wife is frightened and crying and I love her and want to help her for her. I see, yeah she’s crying and that’s stopping me from having sex. How can I stop the crying only because I want to have sex.

Also, as far as her refusing to get help, she seems to have some intimacy issues. I really doubt that after being unwillingly corralled into a room with a stranger she’s going to open up to her and have all of her problems magically fixed in the two sessions her insurance will pay for. Counseling isn’t necessarily going to help until she feels comfortable enough to seek it out.