Shorter Doug Giles: We don’t have gays, we just love women. And gays want to be women. Which is why we don’t like them.
In the world of folks like Doug, all homosexuals are men. Lesbians exist purely for his entertainment, to give porn some diversity. All gays are lipgloss-wearing queens. And being gay has nothing to do with being attracted to the opposite sex — it has to do with wanting to be a woman. No, really:
Heck, we don’t understand women. What makes you think we’ll ever understand a man who doesn’t like women yet wants to be a woman?
I’m certainly not the first person to make this argument, but a lot of the conservative hatred for gay men seems to come from the idea that gay men are lowering themselves to the status of “female,” and that is entirely unacceptable. It threatens male dominance when men are voluntarily acting womanly. And at the heart of what makes one “womanly” is being penetrated. The assumption in He-Man straight circles is that all gay men have anal sex, and anal sex is a humiliating and disgusting act — unless you’re giving it to your female partner, of course, in which case it’s totally respectful baby, I promise.*
Of course, lesbians experience their fare share of hostility. But for Manly Men like Doug, they’re invisible — unless, of course, he’s using lesbian stereotypes to beat feminists over the head, or trying to block lesbians from marrying. Doug argues that it’s the gays who are all up in his business, distracting him from football and shit. But he’s not homophobic because he has gay friends!
As a matter of fact, I have several friends that are gay. I kind of view them like dolphins; they’re fun, entertaining and creative. I truly enjoy their presence. I just don’t know what they get out of eating mullet.
Yes, his gay dolphin-like friends, always happy to entertain with their snappy one-liners and sassy style. Doug’s life is totally just like an episode of Will & Grace!
In the spirit of continuing diplomatic relations with homosexuals, you the gay person, has got to help me out a little bit. If girls are so icky and men are so mondo-jovial, why do you and a lot of your reps take on feminine mannerisms and dress? I would think that if you are going to be gay you would at least be a man about it.
It’s the same thing with many lesbians. I don’t get you. When I hear you speak, it’s always “men suck, men are beasts, women rule,” yet some of you “ladies” dress and act like men. You wear men’s Dockers, men’s Polos, you’ve got a short, man’s hair cut, you’re looking like Joe Pesci with breasts. You’re an ugly version of us. I’m just thinking out loud here. What’s-the-dillio? Please explain. It seems as if you would embrace femininity in all its glory like Carrot Top does red hair coloring. Where am I going wrong?
You’re going wrong in assuming that pink-and-lace femininity is some inborn female trait instead of a social norm constructed largely for women to attract men. And your first mistake was your deep acquaintance with the Straw Lesbian.
But don’t worry, pervs, your good friend Doug has the answers: Segregation.
Now, lastly, for those of you heterosexuals that are in competitive sports and don’t like to shower with gays, that’s cool. It’s your right to scrub your butt with whomever you choose. You gay guys should understand our reluctance and not make a big deal over it. I confess, I’m uncomfortable with showering with a homosexual, unless of course it was Portia de Rossi, and I wasn’t married.
To remedy this situation, I propose the following: how about two shower facilities: one for the heterosexuals demarked by a gigantic poster of Beyonce’s Sport’s Illustrated Swimsuit cover and one for the homosexuals with a big honking 48 x 60” framed print of Ryan Seacrest wearing a chartreuse colored Speedo. There now … is everybody happy?
Only if you keep fighting to block the homos from getting married, and maybe get them separate water fountains, too (theirs can be pink! and sparkly! and have a boa!).
*Not saying that anal sex is by nature humiliating or disgusting, or that all men think that it is. But the man who thinks that another man being consensually penetrated is the height of disgust is probably not looking too kindly on anyone he is penetrating.
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