Teacher: Good morning, class! Now, who here likes pizza?
(A forest of hands shoot up, shouts of “Yes!” and “Me!”)
Teacher: OK, well, I have some pizza right here.
(Teacher goes out of the room, comes back with a box giving off clouds of black smoke. And opens the box to reveal something that looks more like a cinder.)
Teacher: What do you think of this pizza?
Class: Yuck!
Teacher: Well, that pizza was made by someone who never made a pizza before in their life. But that’s OK, we have another pizza.
(Teacher goes out of the room again, comes back with another box. Opens it to show a blob of uncooked dough, smeared with sauce and dangerously raw-looking ground meat.)
Teacher: Well, class, what do you think of THIS pizza?
Class: Yuck!
Teacher: You’re right, it does look a bit yucky. And you probably wouldn’t feel too good if you ate it, right? That pizza was also made by someone who never made a pizza before in their life. But never mind, we have a third pizza right here.
(Teacher goes out of the room again, comes back with a third box. As a mouth-watering aroma fills the room, Teacher opens the box to show a delicious-looking pie, done to a turn.)
Teacher: OK, what do you think? Would you eat this pizza?
(Various approving remarks from class.)
Teacher: Now, THIS pizza was cooked by someone who’s been making pizzas for years. I don’t know how many pizzas this chef has made, but he’s pretty good at it by now. Now class, if you find someone you love and want to be with forever, do YOU want to make them a nasty burnt pizza or an icky raw pizza, or do you want them to have a really tasty pizza like this? Class dismissed.

The whole concept of abstinence only education is pretty messed up, but the actual methodology is downright creepy. Roses with their petals ripped off (interesting the unspoken violence in that metaphor). Spat-out candy. Inanimate objects all around.

Seriously. When the one teacher called the tape in the garbage can “Miss Tape,” it made my skin crawl.

And having everyone spit in the cup is disturbingly reminiscent of the uglier sort of gangbang porn. You know, the kind where it’s not just about group sex, but about making it completely clear that the woman’s just a thing to be used? They’re likely to have all the guys spit at the ‘receptacle’ too.

And of course the funny thing is that D&D is an effective form of contraception, unlike abstinence only education.

Though once, I attended a women-only Bible group in college where they did the “passing around the rose” bit. Come to think of it, they talked about the whole “saving ourselves” stuff pretty much every week. I think it was a “let’s convince ourselves” move.

And, amazingly, despite giving the finger to everything we were ever taught at home, none of us have ended up a nymphomaniac, a prostitute, nor even contracted an STD.

All that aside, the peppermint patty analogy just seems irrelevant. If someone peeled open my girlfriend and had a room full of people rub their hands over the squishy bits inside, I’d certainly be hesitant to take her back – especially if she was still open.

But I’m not sure why religious-education advocates are using teaching aids that imply it’s okay to skin people alive and play with their insides, that sounds like the kind of thing they told me I’d do if I played too much Dungeons and Dragons.