Celebrity Death Match: Alanis vs. Fergie

You Can’t Do That on Television: 1.
Kids Incorporated: 0.

I am of the firm belief that “My Humps” is the single worst song ever made. Ever. Nothing even comes close. If I could assassinate one person on the planet, it would probably be Fergie. I would rather stick rusty nails in my eyes than have to hear “My Humps” ever again. I would rather listen to “Who Let The Dogs Out?” and “The Macarena” on repeat, forever. I would rather eat a box of Krispy Kreme and wash it down with $2 California Merlot. I would rather utter the words, “You know, Bill Donahue kind of has a point…” I would rather be barred from played “Would You Rather” ever again.

You get the idea.

But Alanis may have just changed my mind. Amazing.

Thanks to Ali, who calls this a “true attack on pop culture patriarchy.”


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76 comments for “Celebrity Death Match: Alanis vs. Fergie

  1. April 2, 2007 at 8:08 pm

    I would rather eat a box of Krispy Kreme and wash it down with $2 California Merlot.

    If I were hungover, and someone said that, I would throw up without even bothering to bend over first.

    I saw this earlier today and it’s been stuck in my head ever since. The “drama” part is classic.

  2. R. Mildred
    April 2, 2007 at 8:16 pm

    I find it’s a much more bearable song if you imagine the singer of the original is actually a hunchback with some ginormous sort of tumor growing somewhere notable.

    Then you got to think literal, actual junk in an actual trunk, a sad sad compulsive need to recite shakespearean dialogue in times of stress brought on by an unhappy childhood as a result of having hunchback and tupping great tumor growing out of you at an odd angle.

  3. April 2, 2007 at 8:23 pm

    I would rather listen to “Who Let The Dogs Out?” and “The Macarena” on repeat, forever. I would rather eat a box of Krispy Kreme and wash it down with $2 California Merlot.

    Oh I can top that torture… how about “Mmm Bop” by Hansen and “Achy Breaky Heart” by Billy Ray Cyrus while eating black licorice and drinking warm Milwaukee’s Best Light.

    :)

  4. April 2, 2007 at 8:28 pm

    OMG, that is hilarious! Her hysterical crying was, well, hysterical. Whether or not you like Alanis’ music, you gotta give her credit for having a great sense of humor.

    And maybe Fergie does have some nice “humps”, but if she’s responsible for writing those vapid lyrics then she must not have too much going on in the hump inside her skull.

    Brain: The hump that matters most.
    (Admittedly, a sentiment straight from the “Do as I say, not as I do” file. I’m a relationship retard, and I’ve got the divorce papers to prove it.)

  5. Henry
    April 2, 2007 at 8:53 pm

    Another reason to hate Fergie: she single-handedly ruined the Black Eyed Peas.

    Also, not to be a dick, but her songs are all about how hot she is, and her face is fucking frightening.

    Maybe not the worst song ever though. I’m going with “Meet Me Halfway” by Kenny Loggins. It’s from the “Over The Top” soundtrack.

    I’m sorry.

  6. Roger
    April 2, 2007 at 8:54 pm

    But My Robot Humps is so cute.

  7. April 2, 2007 at 9:15 pm

    Do you just hate the music, and the lyrics as well? I like both, because they’re subtle.

    After I saw this, I went to YouTube and watched the actual Black Eyed Peas video, which I thought was much funnier. But I don’t understand–how can she refer to her rump as both singular and plural? Is it a hump or humps? What kind of freakish anatomical anomaly is this person?

    I actually kind of liked the version of the song Alan Kalter (sp?) used to break into occasionally on Letterman. And I actually had an idea for a comic of some sort, which sadly remains unrealized, of George HW and Barb Bush performing “My Humps” in front of the Katrina refugees in the Astrodome to make up for Barb’s “This is actually working out very well for them” comment.

  8. April 2, 2007 at 9:35 pm

    I am of the firm belief that “My Humps” is the single worst song ever made.

    I believe that is a Platonic Truth.

    For the love of the Flying Spaghetti Monster–“Lovely Lady Lumps?!?”

  9. April 2, 2007 at 9:49 pm

    I liked it better when Charles Laughton laid down those phat lyrics.

    And the worst song ever is “Two of Hearts” by Stacey Q. Or maybe something by Samantha Fox.

  10. Karlyn
    April 2, 2007 at 9:50 pm

    I am not even familiar with the original (although I am aware of its existence) but Will Ferrell’s rendition in the promos for Blades of Glory never fails to amuse me. The idea behind Alanis’ cover is amusing but the cover itself is rather boring, but then I never really liked Alanis Morrisette.

  11. April 2, 2007 at 9:58 pm

    This is awesome. So awesome, in fact, that it almost makes me okay with the fact that “My Humps” exists. So awesome that I can almost forgive Alanis for completely screwing up every college-age kid’s understanding of irony. (No, dear hearts, rain on your wedding day isn’t ironic. It’s just shitty. Not the same thing at all.)

    I have to say, though, that I’d really like to see what William Shatner could do with that song.

  12. April 2, 2007 at 10:00 pm

    Oh, worst song ever? I think I’d go for that Toby Keith one where he’s pretending to be a rapper in the video. Toby Keith sez: time to spread the racism around.

    He actually has some talent; he could have been the Travis Tritt of his generation. Indeed, one might almost go so far as to say, “I wish somehow I didn’t know now, what I didn’t know then.”

  13. james
    April 2, 2007 at 10:02 pm

    Re:Canadian singers, I just saw a music video by Avril Lavagne- girlfriend or something, and I was thinking, this is from her earlier stuff, cause it’s so obvious, and bad. Cause she’s, you know, grown as a singer/ songwriter.
    But no- its her latest and crapacular ina late 90’s pop/britney type of way.
    Cringeworthy in a fergie kind of way.

  14. April 2, 2007 at 10:08 pm

    “I have to say, though, that I’d really like to see what William Shatner could do with that song.”

    I have never known what it is to desire something with all my heart and soul – until this moment.

  15. April 2, 2007 at 10:12 pm

    I have to say, though, that I’d really like to see what William Shatner could do with that song.

    OMG, that would be amazing. It would be like fuzzy puppies times rainbows plus Land of the Lost to the power of Awesome.

    The original version of “My Humps” is flatly the worst song ever. Even worse than “She Thinks My Tractor’s Sexy.” Even worse than “Proud to Be an American.” Even worse than “Bush Was Right.” Even worse than “Big Pimpin’.” Even worse than “I’m in Love with Ann Coulter.”

    Okay, that last one is pretty bad. But it’s close.

  16. April 2, 2007 at 10:18 pm

    Okay, I just watched the video for “Here’s a Quarter (Call Someone Who Cares)” on Youtube. He has a feathered mullet, appears to be wearing The Puffy Shirt, and the video features a CGI quarter. It’s clear that pop country could only go downhill from there.

  17. April 2, 2007 at 10:37 pm

    I almost forgot about Vanilla Ice’s ballad.

  18. April 2, 2007 at 10:54 pm

    O.M.G. This is singularly THE most amazing thing I’ve ever seen. Thank you thank you thank you. And thank you, too, Alanis.

  19. prairielily
    April 2, 2007 at 11:00 pm

    There’s a song called “I’m in Love with Ann Coulter”?!

    Please, for the love of all that is good in this world, TELL ME YOU WERE JOKING.

  20. April 2, 2007 at 11:16 pm

    Okay, norbiz, that has to be the best worst song ever. And the video is just beyond inspired.

  21. zuzu
    April 2, 2007 at 11:29 pm

    What about “Feelin’ On Your Booty”?

  22. April 2, 2007 at 11:29 pm

    Great cover song, or GREATEST cover song?

    My vote is for the latter, and for some reason, I am absolutely hoping that Alanis’s next album will be a covers record. Just think of all of the bad songs that she could improve, even slightly!

  23. Lorelei
    April 3, 2007 at 12:19 am

    man it’s like, if i’m not paying attention too hard, i want really wanna take the song seriously. lmao…

    in any case the piano and melody is really, really pretty… although this was amazing i wish it had been used for better lyrics, rofl

  24. Lorelei
    April 3, 2007 at 12:19 am

    man it’s like, if i’m not paying attention too hard, i want really wanna take the song seriously. lmao…

    that is, when alanis morissette does it.

  25. April 3, 2007 at 12:50 am

    Even worse than “Proud to Be an American.”

    Depends on your definition of “worse.” For me, “Proud to Be an American” triggers an instant gag reflex, but “My Humps” makes my ass start twitching uncontrollably even as the lyrics make me sorry that anyone in that band survived to adulthood.

    Is it the insidious beat combined with the lobotomized lyrics that make “My Humps” worse?

  26. April 3, 2007 at 12:56 am

    So awesome that I can almost forgive Alanis for completely screwing up every college-age kid’s understanding of irony.

    I had to get major dental work done today (a 4-hour root canal) and about halfway through, the Smiths’ “Heaven Knows I’m Miserable Now” came up at random on my iPod.

    Now that’s ironic. Well, okay, serendipitious, but the Tylenol with codeine is starting to kick in and I’m losing the ability to type, much less define parts of speech.

  27. Ipomoea
    April 3, 2007 at 1:44 am

    Wow. It’s like some freakish mashup of what I was listening to in high school vs. what I’m seeing high school girls buy now. Kind of reminded me of that Ani song ‘Letter to A John’, but, you know, with a sense of humor.

    I second the idea of an Alanis covers album. I’d buy it, especially if it had this on there.

  28. christine
    April 3, 2007 at 3:11 am

    That’s pretty great. Right up there with this variation (If you want to go even deeper into “wtf?” land):

    http://www.americangreetings.com/display.pd?bfrom=1&prodnum=3094053&Searchstr=three%20wise%20camels&st=t&path=31871

  29. April 3, 2007 at 5:39 am

    Wait, am I the only person in the English-Speaking Western World to have no idea what the “original” song was? At all?

    God, I need to stop spending all my time on the internet, obviously.

  30. elektrodot
    April 3, 2007 at 5:59 am

    “What about “Feelin’ On Your Booty”?”

    !!!! Best song EVER! oh man….feelin on yo boo-who-ty, yes i am.

    i actually thought the opposite…i thought the fergie version was funny and couldnt bear to listen alanis….high pitched nasal voice just doesnt fly at 7a.m

  31. April 3, 2007 at 6:38 am

    Is it the insidious beat combined with the lobotomized lyrics that make “My Humps” worse?

    That’s my vote. Lee Greenwood was at least up front about how gawdawful his song was. “My Humps” starts to suck you in before you realize how bad it sucks.

    And no, I wasn’t joking about “I’m in Love with Ann Coulter.” How could I joke about that? That’s like joking about cancer, or AIDS. It’s by the Right Brothers, the guys who brought you “Bush Was Right.”

  32. April 3, 2007 at 7:21 am

    Do you just hate the music, and the lyrics as well? I like both, because they’re subtle.

    ;-)

    I just always thought the song was … well, gross. Lumps and humps sound like deformities, not sexy ways to describe anyone’s anatomy.

    in the category of unbearable country songs, what about “She Thinks His Name Was John?” Or “Here’s A Quarter, Call Someone Who Cares?”

    p.s. Jeff — Is the “I’m in Love With Ann Coulter” song a play on that “I’m in love with a stripper” song?

  33. April 3, 2007 at 7:22 am

    oh, that top part was supposed to be italicized

  34. April 3, 2007 at 7:23 am

    Ok worst song ever? I got one that is bad in TWO LANGUAGES! Remember the train wreck that was Rico Suave?

  35. April 3, 2007 at 7:39 am

    “Get out of My Dreams and into My Car” by Billy Ocean ranks as my most hated song ever.
    I’ve never actually heard that “My Humps” song except for the segment that was featured in a commercial.
    Wow. Moronic and offensive.

  36. tps12
    April 3, 2007 at 8:16 am

    This is quite possibly the greatest cover of the decade. My mind is blown.

  37. Julia
    April 3, 2007 at 9:03 am

    Proof that “My Humps” is the worst song in creation = it’s Michael Scott’s ringtone on The Office.

  38. Frumious B
    April 3, 2007 at 9:23 am

    I am of the firm belief that “My Humps” is the single worst song ever made.

    But it’s really awesome for drilling Tunisian 3/4 footwork.

  39. April 3, 2007 at 9:35 am

    Wait, am I the only person in the English-Speaking Western World to have no idea what the “original” song was? At all?

    No. And I could gladly have lived the rest of my life that way. Wow, that is a really horrible song (the original, which I had to find in order to get the parody).

  40. zuzu
    April 3, 2007 at 9:52 am

    Ok worst song ever? I got one that is bad in TWO LANGUAGES! Remember the train wreck that was Rico Suave?

    Rico Suave was TEH AWESOME.

  41. Ron O.
    April 3, 2007 at 9:53 am

    That was great. My appreciation of Alanis continues to grow.

    Worst county song, old school: I love a rainy night.

  42. April 3, 2007 at 10:12 am

    What about “Feelin’ On Your Booty”?

    Feelin’ On Your Booty is an AMAZING song!!

  43. April 3, 2007 at 10:15 am

    “…and your hair weave’s lookin’ kinda purty…”

    you can’t beat that.

  44. bluefish A
    April 3, 2007 at 10:59 am

    my favorite part of “feelin’ on ya booty” is when the chorus is all, “buh-hoo-hoo-tee”
    but yeah, this video is on the way to redeeming alanis after the whole “isn’t it ironic” debacle.

  45. bluefish A
    April 3, 2007 at 11:03 am

    oh wait, i forgot. there was a slow jam in the late nineties that was all about this guy getting an erection while grinding on his grilfriend. that song really sucked, too. it went a little something like,

    “oh we’re dancing real slow, (something about being real close), you’re making it hard for meeeeee”

    then he gets really earnest about how raging his erection is. comedy gold, i tell you.

  46. Rose
    April 3, 2007 at 11:03 am

    I’ve never heard “My Humps” because I never listen to the radio so I am completely unfamilar with modern popular music – yay! I revel in my own old-fartiness! But I’ll admit that the Black Eyed Peas “Pump It” has a special place on my “workout” music list, so I can’t hate Fergie. I have a soft spot for anything that samples “Miserlou.” (if Miserlou rings no bells for you, it was used as the theme of Pulp Fiction).

    So far, “Jenny From the Block” still has not been beaten in the worst song ever department. But like I said, I don’t listen to enough pop music to know if it’s gone downhill since then. God, I love Napster!

  47. C Nosangles
    April 3, 2007 at 11:24 am

    bluefish A, that was “Too Close” by Next.

    Why do I know that!?!

  48. April 3, 2007 at 11:45 am

    I have to say, though, that I’d really like to see what William Shatner could do with that song.

    It would probably be similar to his “Rocket Ship Man” song and video (or whatever that song was officially called). ::shudders:: Ugh, that video was creepy.

  49. Mnemosyne
    April 3, 2007 at 12:15 pm

    “Get out of My Dreams and into My Car” by Billy Ocean ranks as my most hated song ever.

    Did he also sing “Electric Avenue,” or was that Eddy Grant? Because that’s my most hated song evah by far.

  50. zuzu
    April 3, 2007 at 12:17 pm

    Hey! “Electric Avenue” is a great song!

    Plus, it had the cool-for-the-early-80s video, with Eddy Grant stepping onto what looked like a carpet, but was actually a POOL!

  51. Ocellus
    April 3, 2007 at 12:46 pm

    I haven’t heard the original and am not going to if I can help it. Ignorance is bliss in this case. But this is funny even without having heard the original.

    However, in my opinion the best cover ever is Aqua’s Barbie Girl sung by an Israeli bloke called Ivri Lider. He sings it as a soft ballad and it’s just utterly hilarious.

  52. Keez R
    April 3, 2007 at 1:08 pm

    “Ok worst song ever? I got one that is bad in TWO LANGUAGES! Remember the train wreck that was Rico Suave?”

    I do now. Thanks. After years of therapy I thought I’d finally put it behind me.

    I second your vote – RICO SUAVE was beyond awful.

    I can actually think of one song that was worse, but not the name of it. It was from the mid 90s and featured exactly two notes, two notes sung in a breathy, childish voice, set to an annoying, simpleton rhythm. The lyrics were really profound and went something like “I love you/Always forever/Near or far/We’ll be together.”

  53. Rose
    April 3, 2007 at 1:31 pm

    Anyone ever hear William Shatner’s cover of Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds? Not merely craptastic, it’s flat-out craptacular! If I could see him do a duet of the Beatles songbook…wait, scratch that…The Rolling Stones songbook with Sanjaya (if you need to ask, you don’t need to/want to know) and Sanjaya would wear that faux-hawk ponytail thing he had going on last week…ooooh baby… what can I say, I could die happy after seeing that!

    P.S. I like Electric Avenue too! What ever happened to Eddy Grant anyway? And what about those kids who did “Pass the Douchie”? Luved that song…now I’m getting too nostalgic!

  54. April 3, 2007 at 3:15 pm

    I can actually think of one song that was worse, but not the name of it. It was from the mid 90s and featured exactly two notes, two notes sung in a breathy, childish voice, set to an annoying, simpleton rhythm. The lyrics were really profound and went something like “I love you/Always forever/Near or far/We’ll be together.”

    You don’t ask, you recieve. I do believe you mean Donna Lewis – “I Love You Always Forever.” :)

  55. prairielily
    April 3, 2007 at 3:44 pm

    Jeff, I really didn’t need to know that these “Right Brothers” existed. I was perfectly happy. AND THEN YOU RUINED IT.

    The Donna Lewis video is the one where she looks like she’s picking her nose, isn’t it? That was comedy gold when I was in Gr. 7. I think it was in the movie Anastasia.

  56. RacyT
    April 3, 2007 at 4:22 pm

    Pass the Dutchie was by Musical Youth.

    My most hated song is still Miami Sound Machine’s Conga. *shudder*

  57. April 3, 2007 at 4:28 pm

    “Electric Avenue” was a catchy reggae/pop song.
    But I HATE “Red, Red, Wine.”

    I worked in a bar that had the Billy Ocean song on it and afer a while I was openly threatening people that they had better not play it if they wanted service.

  58. April 3, 2007 at 4:44 pm

    I’ll be damned if I’m going to sit idly by while “Here’s a Quarter (Call Someone Who Cares)” is viciously maligned. It wans’t a bad song for pop country. And the video, as I mentioned above, cries out to be enjoyed ironically. Sure, it wasn’t as good as “I Don’t Even Know Your Name” (just watched the video on YouTube; I had forgotten it featured Jeff Foxworthy (and possibly a cameo by Dr. Phil at the beginning))–but what is?

    Worst country song ever has to be “Galveston.”

  59. April 3, 2007 at 4:50 pm

    Oh, I see, you just hate anyone who doesn’t share your irrational hatred of Travis Tritt, eh? Or is it because you can’t handle hearing the truth about “Galveston”? So you won’t publish my comment. I see how it is. Evil censorers.

  60. MikeEss
    April 3, 2007 at 5:03 pm

    “My most hated song is still Miami Sound Machine’s Conga. *shudder*”

    I’d be happy to put in a bad word for that one as well…

  61. April 3, 2007 at 5:20 pm

    Worst country song ever has to be “Galveston.”

    No, worst country song was “Achy Breaky Heart.” Plus it didn’t help that the guy who sung it had a mullet…

  62. April 3, 2007 at 6:03 pm

    Dear Jill:
    Thank you.
    Love always, me

    Seriously, my life is all downhill from here.

    Also, whoever was dissing Avril earlier: “Girlfriend” is amazing. It’s proudly mindless and bitchy and totally danceable and LA LA LA I CAN’T HEAR YOUR BABBLING ABOUT MUSICAL TALENT BECAUSE ALL I CAN HEAR IS “hey hey you you I DON’T LIKE YOUR GIRLFRIEND” also known as the best pop song since Since U Been Gone, or Hey Mickey for a new generation.

    *huggles her mindless pop music. mmmm, mindless pop*

  63. cartooncoyote
    April 3, 2007 at 7:53 pm

    My vote for worst song ever is Deniece Williams’ “Let’s Hear It For The Boy”. One day I’m going to buy a vinyl copy of it just so I can have the pleasure of stomping on it.

  64. Chesna
    April 3, 2007 at 8:30 pm

    “Too Close” by Next.

    when I was a wee child that didn’t know what that song meant, I LOVED it!
    and I would like to say fuck you to everyone here who made me curious enough to go see the video for “Girlfriend.” how could you do that to me??

  65. nona
    April 3, 2007 at 10:03 pm

    Uh. I… kind of own “Has Been,” Shatner’s solo album produced by Ben Folds. I don’t know if it’s just Ben Folds mojo or what, but… it’s actually good. Non-ironically. His cover of “Common People” totally kicks ass.

    I know. It was hard for me to accept, too.

  66. April 3, 2007 at 10:46 pm

    nona – it’s not just you.

    I am totally sincere in my desire to hear The Shat doing more covers.

  67. ako
    April 3, 2007 at 10:46 pm

    I still think My Humps is the worst. There’s something about being that repetitive while at the same time managing to present enough other lyrics to paint a really horrible mental picture of everyone involved. Also being so astoundingly crude about sex while conjuring up the most unsexy mental image ever. Seriously, sticking the word “lovely” in there does not make the phrase “lady lumps” sound hot. It still sounds like something you’d find in a serial killer’s fridge.

  68. April 4, 2007 at 12:38 am

    Wow, that whole comment was brilliant, ako.

  69. Rose
    April 4, 2007 at 3:57 pm

    Racy T – if you’re still checking in here, thanks so much for the tip on Musical Youth – now I can look them up on Napster.

    This is embarassing, but true – I actually always thought the title of the song was Pass the Douchie, but, yes, Dutchie sounds better, doesn’t it?

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