But because he’s totally heterosexual and stuff, he loves pussy, he swears. Except for the whole, you know, “pussy” part of it:
Best friend gay — okay, I can see that one going either way; one of my best buds is a homo. Turned off by cunninglingus? Eh, a lot of guys don’t dig that. Who the hell knows what’s going on down there. It’s like H.R. Geiger giving up ink and canvas to work in the avant-garde medium of Play-Doh and bacon.
Either Ace is not much of a vulvular connoisseur or there’s more than just ideology separating me from Republican chicks. (Seriously, bacon?) There are about three square inches to navigate down there, Magellan, so let’s cut the shit about women’s bodies being so crazy and confusing. And if we’re going to make art comparisons, I’d go for the more obvious Georgia O’Keefe. Or Gustav Courbet (NSFW).
Or Geiger. Whatevs.
Also, while the idea of “cunninglingus” sounds appealing (if tricky), I don’t think that’s how Ace meant to spell it.
Am I the only one who thoroughly fascinated by the Manly-Man’s relationship to the vulva? He’s supposed to fucking love it (or at least love fucking it), and simultaneously be disgusted by it. All while asserting his dominance over its owner. So make sure you point out how much you just can’t get enough pussy, and then reiterate the fact that girlie-bits are nasty. Don’t forget to promote abstinence-only coolness with the kids by setting a good example and telling them that lady-parts are icky and sex is for fags.
Below the fold, an educational (though totally NOT safe for work) illustration to assist our friend Ace in his future totally manly and heterosexual endeavors. The illustration, unfortunately, is bacon and Play-Doh-free.
Thanks to Matt for the Sadly, No link.
*Oookay, apparently some people didn’t get the joke. Yes, I know Ace was just joking when he compared giney-town to bacon and Play-Doh. I am sure that Ace has seen his fair share of vaginas, and is well aware that they more closely resemble tacos and shellfish than any other food product. I am also kidding when I say that Ace hates pussy and that sex is for fags. Ace loves pussy and everyone knows that gay men shouldn’t have sex (and lesbians don’t really have sex since there’s no cock involved). See? Funny all around!
It’s like the Bermuda Triangle in there!
- OMG a Gawker link! by Jill June 28, 2006
- The Good Body by Jill October 26, 2006
- The nice pregnant lady’s guide to not offending polite society* by Natalia Antonova January 18, 2011
- Why I Hate the Washington Post by Jill June 2, 2006
- Sigh. It’s so hard having a dick. by SassyWho July 27, 2007