University club fair. There’s a table, with a banner reading “Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transexual, Transgendered, and Two-Spirited Club”

F=friend of my husband’s, from a small town.
B=person at the booth.

F: Excuse me, but what does “two-spirited” mean?
B: (snootily) “Why don’t you ask one of your gay or lesbian first nation friends?”
F: I don’t have any gay or lesbian first nation friends.
B: And what does that say about you?

About the dick/vagina thing… Isn’t it strange that so many people (including cis-women and very specifically a lot of cis-lesbians) hate menstruation, yet when you ask anybody what would disqualify a person from being a woman their first thoughts are invariably ‘if she’s a lesbian’ and ‘if she doesn’t menstruate/can’t bear children’? Is it sadism of some sort?

Just keep an eye out for the cool cis-lesbians, will you? ;) They’re not hard to miss…

I would have accepted it if the lesbian group I now am a member of was reluctant to admit me while I was between genders. I wouldn’t think twice about the fact that, in order to admit me, our group has to be satisfied that I’m a transwoman who doesn’t look like a guy, even though that’s *not* a requirement for *any* of the other women in there….

Ooh. Yeah. That one still hurts. Some years ago, there was much drama surrounding my participation in a women’s only party associated with Ms. World Leather in Dallas. I had actually given some thought to whether I should go or not. But I figured that since I fit the criteria to be eligible to run for Ms. World Leather, it’d be fine if I went. (My ID had my name and an F on it, though I didn’t then and haven’t yet been able to afford genital surgery.) We played behind a curtain, though I didn’t care much if people came and looked in on us.

Anyway, that blew up, OMFG there was a dick in the play space! Like mine was the only one. A self-identified transman was also there, packing, no trouble.

A week later, Bound by Desire, big leatherwomen’s group in Austin, changed their membership requirements to state that transwomen were welcome only if they had had genital surgery. And pre-op transwomen were not welcome at their socials and other events. “Don’t take it personally,” I was told.

Uh-huh. It didn’t have anything to do with me, except that they wanted to make sure I didn’t show up for their big weekend event.

And they still say “We welcome all women, Lesbian, Bisexual, Heterosexual and Transgendered” on their website.

You bet.

Most of the older feminists’ disgust with transwomen and most of their revelment in transmen still seems to be based on ‘privileged men are trying to become women and infiltrate our communities’ (and phalluses= yuck) and ‘ooh transmen are women who are exercising their well-earned right to act out their masculinity’ (and vagina= the best). I mean all my f2m friends have trouble with their partners, no matter how much theoretical training they’ve had, because when they see a transman’s crotch, they can’t for the life of them see a dick and treat it like a dick, or treat it as the transguy wants it to be treated. Instead, it’s taken for granted that this is a vagina, albeit usually a strange one. Transmen’s dicks aren’t acknowledged as ‘real’. Shamanic you say? Doesn’t this evoke images of the transman as a prior ‘life-giving female’ stereotype? Ugh. And when transmen *are* thought of as real men , they immediately become, in the older feminist thinking, ‘the enemy’, the ‘opposing force’…

The sensualisation of transmen feels a lot like non-acceptance of their maleness to me.

Another idea is that since many transmen are already part of women’s organisations before they transition, perhaps they’re more political about showing off their body and sensuality?

Um..Any thoughts?

I’m a bit puzzled by your final point about eroticization. Are you saying that transwomen are not eroticised as transwomen?

I’ve seen a hell of a lot of eroticization of transwomen for being trans, at least pre-op transwomen. It’s a horrible, dehumanising version of eroticism that comes from straight men and treats them as a fetishised freak, but it’s still erotic focus.

No, sorry if that wasn’t clear. I’ve complained before about the tendency to see transmasculine people as “the best of both worlds” in a particularly, um, pedestal-intensive way. It’s not like she-male porn; rather, transmasculine people are treated as though they’re, I dunno, emotionally superhuman for being transgendered. “Shamanic” is an adjective I’ve heard tossed around a few times. Also “two-spirit,” even for people who don’t identify as two-spirit. “Transsensual” is often a nod to this framing of trans-orientation, since it is often defined as attraction to transitioned/transgressively-gendered people.

My point was that in the community where this so frequently occurs, transwomen are not treated like wonderful magical creatures by virtue of their complex histories or affinities. And any physical cues associated (that’s a whole ‘nother rant) with being transfemale are not seen as badges of honor or as part of a queer aesthetic, but as grotesquerie. As failure. They aren’t the best of anything; they’re just ugly freaks. And their ability to be acceptable, erotically or otherwise, depends on their ability to not be visible as transwomen.

The kind of dehumanizing sexualization you’re talking about is a different phenomenon, albeit one that I haven’t seen any community eschew. And I’m not denying that transwomen suffer the Tiresias trip, just arguing transparent sexism in one place.

They’ll think I’m so desperate I settled for a transsexual.” I’m not someone you just settle for. Bah! Needless to say, that didn’t last long.

aww… But cool attitude on your part!!

And think, that at some point in our trans past, we might have taken this deal. I know I might have! I mean, I’ve been offered friendships where people demanded that I apologise about my trans status and acknowledge that I’m not ‘normal’, and I took them… A few years ago, I wouldn’t even understand why it’s transphobic if other people revealed my trans status to someone I hadn’t met and hadn’t told myself…
I would have accepted it if the lesbian group I now am a member of was reluctant to admit me while I was between genders. I wouldn’t think twice about the fact that, in order to admit me, our group has to be satisfied that I’m a transwoman who doesn’t look like a guy, even though that’s *not* a requirement for *any* of the other women in there….

Our own transphobia and lack of self-confidence can do wonders to attract abuse on ourselves, hmm?

Even the therapist I was seeing as part of my jumping through the transition hoops kept forgetting that I wasn’t cisfemale. Which was frustrating as hell for me, since that was the whole point of my being there.

I think I was eleven when I first figured out that there were such creatures as lesbians, and something went click in my head. “Hey! That’s what I want to be!” It took a long time getting here. Along the way, I got questions like “You’re getting a sex change so you can be homosexual?”

“No. I’m ‘getting a sex change’ because I’m a woman. I’m a lesbian because that’s who I’m attracted to.”

I am very lucky to have found people who like me, who respect me, who think I’m sexy and don’t care what’s between my legs beyond “Ooo, toy! Shiny!” Well, for those who get that close.

I was in between lovers for a while a few years ago and, wanting to be around other women, went out to Sue Ellen’s. I met someone there who thought I was cute as hell and liked kissing me, but she couldn’t get past my being trans. “What will my friends think? They’ll think I’m so desperate I settled for a transsexual.” I’m not someone you just settle for. Bah! Needless to say, that didn’t last long.

I’ve seen a hell of a lot of eroticization of transwomen for being trans, at least pre-op transwomen. It’s a horrible, dehumanising version of eroticism that comes from straight men and treats them as a fetishised freak, but it’s still erotic focus.