Could Roy & I break up at some point down the road? We’re sure not planning on it, but of course it’s possible. We certainly haven’t been together as long as Jenny & Beth have. But honestly, I can’t imagine anyone deserving of Roy not being supportive of the families he’s chosen to create, whether or not they want to be an auntie themselves. I mean, people don’t get along with their partners’ biological or adoptive families all the time, and most couples work that out. At worst, this is no different, and in fact, given the chosen nature of the situation, and the insanely great people involved, I would hope it would be easier.

If you’ve ever had the experience of having friends that you adore, and a partner you adore, and just not having those two be able to appreciate each other, you can imagine what the potential problems can be if you’re an “uncle” and s/he’s expected (and in the interest of sharing a life with you, WANTS to) be the auntie. It’s one thing if you’re partnered already and s/he loves your friends. It’s quite another if you don’t know what she’ll bring to the chemistry. The mothers of your niece/nephew might be allergic to your true love. She may want to scream every time she sees one or both of them, just for the myriad reasons that sometimes nice, cool people don’t like each other. It’s happened. If I were wanting a donor, I would be sure to ask from someone who was in a long-term stable relationship for this reason. I wouldn’t want to be responsible for tension in his future relationship, and I wouldn’t want to feel obligated to entertaining someone I didn’t like on a regular basis. It’s not a perfect insurance policy, but it would help.

So, yeah, a big thanks to all of you- I really appreciate the input.

That’s a rhetorical question.

and I think this is one of the most important, most oft-neglected points in discussions of non-traditional family arrangements, and why it’s really important for anyone contemplating a non-traditional parenting set-up to get in touch with a lawyer who practises in non-traditional family law. The laws are complicated and not always intuitive, and legislators and judges generally didn’t have queer families in mind when they created, for example, child-support laws.

The laws are supposed to work in the best interest of the child. Whether they do or not is open to debate, but they exist, and, in the absence of a legally binding agreement covering a particular situation, the laws go into action, even if they run contrary to what anyone involved might want.

I prefer to believe that Jenny, Beth, and Roy will be able to come to an arrangement that works well for them and the kid, with minimal stress and discussion. I believe that families are way more flexible than people often think, and I think that everyone can accommodate everyone else. I also believe strongly in planning for the worst-case scenario, and doing whatever you can to make sure you’ve asked all the difficult questions before you commit yourself. Not because of the “difficulties” in establishing non-traditional relationships, but because society and legislation and legal precedent haven’t caught up with the permutations even in traditional families, and nobody wants their kid being the test case.

Roy, thanks a lot for letting us see this part of your life and for opening your very personal decision up to general comment.

True enough, but genes don’t have a monopoly on those factors. . . .I also want to be clear that biology is certainly not the only basis for powerful bonds.

Definitely. I hope I didn’t imply otherwise. For example, the adoptee that I mentioned earlier is still much, much closer to his adoptive parents than his genetic relatives.

For me the circumstances would have to be perfect. We’d have to have the kind of friendship where hard things are talked about openly. We’d have to have talked – a lot – about how to handle all aspects of the relationship. I’d have to be confident in myself, and in them, that everyone really knows what they want from this, and confident that if that changes we could negotiate it.

from the prospective of the female partner of the male donor: It was/is an amazing experience, and I recommend jumping through the hoops. If you choose to do it, I hope you have as positive an experience as I have had.

it was interesting, in that while chilling with them at their home, right before their commitment ceremony, with B’s parents, B’s mom busts out, ‘well, i’m ready to be a grandmother, X you should totally help. 10 years ago, i really wanted you to date B. This will work to’. All eyes swiveled towards me, i guess i was supposed to throw a hissy fit. apparently, they had planned on talking to us, but were hoping to kind of sus us out before being called out, hee.

long story short, they did a really amazing job of making me feel a part of the process. (i did have one serious moment of giggles after i did the first ahh, ‘passoff’).

At the time, we lived across the country from them, so we weren’t involved in day to day. In the last few months, we’ve moved to being about 5 mins away from them. He/we are involved in the ‘very good friends’ way. There is actually a pretty large, well ‘tribe’ of friends that behave in much the same way. The kid doesn’t particularly know, but it’s not a big secret (also, they look disturbingly alike).

the biggest oddity for me, was my 2 best friends at the time, who i went to for advice on how, i, as pretty much the odd girl out in it all, might feel. One was VERY supportive. the other was appalled, that somehow it was cheating, which…weird. (i’m not friends with her anymore).