1. I’m not used to writing on a site that gets so many visitors. For those of you that read my tiny little blog, you might notice that the comments are from the same group of people, some that I know personally and some that I feel I have gotten to know. Part of the reason why I didn’t write yesterday is because I suddenly became intimidated by the number of people that read my previous two posts. It shouldn’t overwhelm me, really, because this is a great opportunity, and to some extent, this is what blogging is about. And a part of me hopes that one day W.O.A.C. becomes as large as this community here. Until then, I’m really thrilled to be a guest blogger here – I think it is an important experience.
2. One of the things I noticed in comments on my own site as well as here, in response to the wedding post that I put up, is the notion of women needing to “be themselves” and “make their own choices” and “worrying about what is culturally acceptable”. I want to address this here rather than in another post because it borderlines on being such an issue for me that I don’t want to make it one. I think there many brown women, many women from diaspora communities and immigrant communities, many women who are from working class and poor families, many women who are hard working and hustle everyday of their lives…who can’t necessarily “just be themselves”. Sometimes these women have to pick their battles – sometimes they have to follow their hearts and their dreams and sometimes they have to yell and scream so that people will hear them at the risk of being emotionally wounded and even ignored. But sometimes women have to help their parents and their families. Sometimes they have to keep the peace by performing certain gender roles or holding their tongues. My choice to “be myself” is always going to come at a price – and sometimes, and for other women many times, this price is simply not worth it. So we learn to pick our battles, work through the system. I become weary of the comments and phrases above because it ignores the system and risks putting blame on the victim (not to suggest that women are victims – but rather that we are products of larger institutional systems that need to be looked at). There is so much more to say about this but for now this will have to be sufficient. My thoughts aren’t clear enough to be completely articulate.
3. Self-care is really really hard. So many of my women of color and queer people of color and working class friends become so invested in taking care of one another and in facing the challenges of the everyday, we get exhausted and the thought of taking care of ourselves seems daunting. As someone who has the privilege of accessing healthy food choices, I sometimes get too tired to just make a salad. I get lazy about exercising everyday. Sometimes I wonder if it would be easier if I had a lot of money to buy myself beauty services and gym subscriptions. I need to remember that women of color have to take care of themselves, their bodies, because otherwise what do we have left? We just become empty and then who are we helping and empowering and supporting?
4. Gaining weight is difficult and upsetting and frustrating. Staying healthy is something I need to think about more consciously.
5. Sometimes my posts, my discussion of race&gender, my specifications of women of color, alienate some white people and make them uncomfortable and guilty and defensive. I have encountered this while blogging, in classrooms, and in public. I’m beginning to believe more and more that this is about doing my work. My work right now is to talk about these things because it keeps me sane. Because there are people who leave me wonderful comments that say “I totally feel that way”. Do your work. That’s all there is to say about that. There isn’t really a response to the discomfort/alienation claim – I agree that this is a result of my writing, a result of my voice, a result of being a loud working class woman of color, and a result of someone who is extremely against second wave feminism, rather hoping for transnational frameworks of solidarity.
Tomorrow I will write something good!
I haven’t figured out quoting yet, but in response to your last point, I’m not dark skinned, but my parents are both primarily Native American (and, paradoxically, more ethnically distinct than I am). Growing up in a really white rural town I only ever really encountered racial issues when I moved to the city and started working in food service, where tensions were high and customers often disdained in less than appropriate ways.
Oddly, I only found the behaviour baffling, because despite the stark segregation in my community, I’ve always approached people on a highly individual basis.
I don’t know where I was going with this, but mostly I just wanted to say that it’s something that matters more in certain contexts, but it’s worth talking about, and you shouldn’t shy away from that issue.
Thanks for you contributions. =)
For what it’s worth, in my experience as a white woman the discomfort is a necessary part of becoming aware of white privilege. If talking about race was always pleasant and non-threatening for me, I would not be transformed and would continue being willfully ignorant of the harm I do. I am thankful when people are willing to speak truth in a way that shakes me up and makes me a better person. But it took me a long time to get to a point where I could hold in my heart an awareness of myself as a white person that acknowledged racism but did not make me feel despair so deep that I was afraid of being totally erased by it. It took being broken open and rearranged over and over again, finding myself on the other end still alive, still whole, still vital, before I started to let go of some of that fear. And I think I’ll always have to go through that process in some way.
Hey, don’t knock yourself. Today’s post is good!
I think you’re touching on a lot of really important points here and I think that points two and three are intimately related. It is exhausting negotiating a system where not only are you fighting your own battles, you’re trying to choose and avoid others. And I think that’s particularly true for women as a class, although it has additional and different implications for women of color. (I’m thinking about Brownfemipower’s post on La Familia right now.) There’s a whole level of not being selfish, not being intrusive, not being difficult, that’s expected of women. (I suspect that a similar sort of message gets broadcasted as the queer community as well.)
*waves the emotional support pom-poms*
Sometimes my posts, my discussion of race&gender, my specifications of women of color, alienate some white people and make them uncomfortable and guilty and defensive… …There isn’t really a response to the discomfort/alienation claim …
A woman I really respect and value often tells me: “If what I’m saying isn’t making someone uncomfortable, then I’m probably not saying anything particularly valuable.”
I think her point is valid- when someone says that you’ve made them uncomfortable, or they feel guilty, or they get defensive, it’s probably a good thing. It means that you’re saying something that challanges them. Some of them won’t get it, but some will.
DonaQuixote’s point:
I completely agree with.
As a white woman I will totally admit it, it HURTS when we see not just racism, but systemic structural racism your part in perpetuating it. I honestly don’t think there is a nice fluffy, cushy, care-bear way of getting to this realisation.
Instead, the discomfort you mention is, I would argue, a INTRINSIC part of the process for white people. We NEED to be uncomfortable (hell, we should be) to get out of our non-challenged purpose-designed privileged niche in society and then use that privilege to set about dismantling things.
If I, as a lesbian, can demand straight people put aside their long-held bigotries against queer folk, then I can’t expect not to be uncomfortable because of being white in a racist society. If I, as a feminist, can demand that men and anti-feminist women put side their sexism and misogyny, then I can’t expect not to be uncomfortable because of being white in a racist society.
After all, there’s a word for those people that run back into their nice comfortable coddling corner of denial and privilege when confronted with reality: conservatives.
If I’m a liberal, then I have to walk the talk. Period.
Oh, btw, that was my way above of saying don’t worry about the discomfort-making :)
I agree completely with DonaQuixote and Sarah in Chicago. It is a necessary part of realizing and confronting white priveledge.
Keep writing and don’t worry about offending “white” people.
Ever since I’ve become a feminist and become aware of male privilege, it’s made me aware of my own white privilege. Until recently, I was convinced that racism was just a thing of the past. And I feel terrible about that. I love hearing the opinions of people of color, especially the women, because it’s a voice that I know is not as heard as my own.
I come from a family that makes statements like “I’m not a racist, but…” all the freaking time. It’s hard for people, especially whites, to come to terms with the fact that we’re all racist (and sexist, and every other -ist, no matter how hard we try to overcome it).
To come to my point, I’m glad there are people like you who say things that make people like me uncomfortable. It makes me challenge my own world view, and it keeps me aware of how race affects the lives of others. So keep it up!
It is difficult, and frequently presumptuous, to speak to other women’s experiences especially if you are attempting to conjure some generic woman instead of relating experiences you yourself have witnessed or had reported to you by an intimate. That is why I speak from my own experiences.
Despite the presence of white women in the wider media world, despite the presentation of that image as an ideal, that ideal as foisted on you and us is not really us. So I suppose if I trying to have a dialogue at all it is one that supports all women in face of the patriarchal ideal weilded against us.
None of us will ever be able to cross the finish line because it is impossible race to win. The difference I suppose is you are being taunted for being so far behind and we are being taunted for not really winning despite being given such a big head start.
You’re right again. I feel the way I act out against it, as I mentioned in the Wedding thread is a luxury that comes as a result of very open minded parents and a rather unconventional upbringing. The places where it’s most prudent to hold my tongue or my outrage are often the places where I feel words and action are needed most, but at what cost? There’s so much to consider. Thank you for more lovely writing.
I wish you might consider saying more about being “very against second wave feminism” –what exactly does that mean to you?
I think all of us have been there, choosing to please parents, family, boss, teacher, or community instead of doing exactly what we want. Personally, I don’t see it as an all-or-nothing thing. You can “just do the job” of (say) making the family look good at a wedding, while also “just being yourself” in your ideas, goals, imagination, and critique of the job itself.
If you understand how this “hiding yourself” works, why did you say it doesn’t matter in your wedding post? Why did you say that you didn’t care what the perfectly groomed and tailored 23-year-old at the wedding read? For all we know, she might be “just doing her job” for the wedding, a time when she can’t “just be herself.” What do you think? Are there some battles that one absolutely needs to pick all the time (like never having straightened hair or not being married at 23) and others that one should never pick (like refusing to wear traditional clothes at a family wedding)? Or does it depend on circumstance?
Phew there are so many things to respond to here – I wasn’t really planning on taking time to respond to comments, mostly because I don’t really have the time – but one of the benefits of a flexible work schedule is I can blog during the day and work at night!
First, I’m not particularly worried about offending white people. I don’t think I said that in my post but just to clear the air – I’m not worried, I just wanted to address that there’s always going to be a chance that I do.
Second, ellenbremma, I agree with you on this point of speaking from one’s own experiences instead of making blanket general statements. I try to speak of my own experiences, but will continue to use phrases like “many women of color”, etc. This is for two reasons. First, because when I say many I’m talking about the many self identified women of color that are in my life, that I spend a lot of time with and whose experiences I refer to when I say “many”. Second…this is a bit hard for me to explain, but sometimes I feel like when I talk about issues of race or gender or class or sexual orientation, and I only use personal experiences, I become either a token or native informant for an entire population (she’s speaking for all women of color, all brown people, all South Asians, etc.) or it gets thrown back at me at proof that institutional systems of oppression do not exist, but rather that racism/sexism/classism/homophobia exist only on an individual level. Trying to find a language balance is difficult and something I can only continue working on. I also wanted to add that I agree with what you have posted above:
Kw, you are the reason I felt the need to comment at all, so thank you for this opportunity. I think you are right – there are some inconsistencies in my post regarding performance and hiding oneself and this 23 yr. old married woman who appeared a certain way but who certainly could have been a different person outside of the setting I saw her in. There are a couple of things to say here – as much as I hate to admit this, I sometimes fall victim to envy at other women being able to perform culture in a way that I simply cannot seem to do. Marrying at a young age to someone who is “socially acceptable”, for example. I think I have a lot of envy in my tone when I talk about South Asian women that I see who appear to fit a particular mold that I simply do not but also choose not to fit. It’s that horrible internalized battle of “why can’t I fit in like you” but also “how could I ever survive the life you appear to be living”. I think that’s all I can say. That and, everything is circumstantial. It isn’t just about age and physical appearance and clothes. A lot of it is about money. Being at a wedding filled with mostly upper middle class people (I’m about to get into that strange battle with envy again) is slightly humiliating for me. I am extremely proud of both my parents for choosing to do work that they love at the cost of more financial income, but in those spaces, the things that get said are just…awkward and upsetting.
Finally, second wave feminism. I think that second wave feminism has had a history of alienating and excluding women of color, poor women and women in Third World. I think that s.v.f has often been attributed to sisterhood rather than solidarity, a concept that I feel erases very real differences that need to be acknowledged in order to keep from universalizing the term “woman”. I’m still swimming through my feelings about to what extent third wave feminism arose from second wave feminism, so I cannot comment on that. Maybe someone has thoughts on that they would like to share.
I was actually, physically nodding my head in agreement with this. Thanks for saying it.
I think there many brown women, many women from diaspora communities and immigrant communities, many women who are from working class and poor families, many women who are hard working and hustle everyday of their lives…who can’t necessarily “just be themselves”. Sometimes these women have to pick their battles – sometimes they have to follow their hearts and their dreams and sometimes they have to yell and scream so that people will hear them at the risk of being emotionally wounded and even ignored. But sometimes women have to help their parents and their families. Sometimes they have to keep the peace by performing certain gender roles or holding their tongues. My choice to “be myself” is always going to come at a price – and sometimes, and for other women many times, this price is simply not worth it. So we learn to pick our battles, work through the system.
Women of color are often burdened by racism, sexism and classism so it’s time for men of color to step up and help their sisters any way they can but especially in the second or third areas we don’t have time for. For instance, we have to choose racism or sexism as the first battlefront. We don’t have to fight sexism in our communities if men of color confront sexism in their own communities. Most women of color are already helping in the battle against racism for their communities.
So true, as usual, Donna. You’ve had so many interesting comments on this matter, I’d love to see more about this on your blog please!!!!
Can I just say that I love your posts. I enjoy your writing and perspectives. Keep going, and don’t be intimidated. You are awesome.
Thanks for the interesting posts, One Brown Woman.
Antahkarana, one of things I hate most about blogs are trolls and spam! They’ll creep out from all corners. I’ll work it in soon.
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