Stuffed animals will turn your daughter into a whore

giraffe
Phallic symbols abound in the filthy world of plush toys.

Prudie has a doozy of a letter this week (last one):

Dear Prudie,
My daughter is 5 years old and has, like most girls her age, a hamper’s worth of stuffed animals. While she has her favorites, she constantly wants more and usually connives to get someone (read: her grandparents) into procuring a new one every couple of weeks. The new one immediately becomes her favorite and she must sleep with it every night and haul it around half the day. My question is: Does this behavior indicate she’ll be overly promiscuous as an adult, or at least unable to commit to a single partner?

—Perhaps Overly Worried Father

Dear Perhaps,
Of course that’s what it indicates. You’d better start thinking now about what you’re going to do when she’s a young woman and throws over that big, chubby guy with the annoying laugh, Barney, for the sexually ambiguous Tinky-Winky, whom she then dumps for that moron, Elmo, who every time they come over asks you to get down on the floor and tickle him.

—Prudie

Prediction: This guy will either turn into a Purity Ball father or Doug Giles.

Thanks to Matt for the link.


Similar Posts (automatically generated):

About Jill

Jill began blogging for Feministe in 2005. She has since written as a weekly columnist for the Guardian newspaper and in April 2014 she was appointed as senior political writer for Cosmopolitan magazine.
This entry was posted in Gender, Sex and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

34 Responses to Stuffed animals will turn your daughter into a whore

  1. Fortunately, the new Prudie does have good comebacks when faced with full-on stupidity. She still rankles me, in the less nutty stuff, though. :)

  2. preying mantis says:

    The fact that someone actually wrote in with this question is almost offset by the hilarity of her response.

  3. norbizness says:

    I should definitely forward this post to my sister (pictured in 1981).

  4. Anne says:

    God, I hope he gets the sarcasm.

  5. What’s most distressing about this is how far this guy wants to go in order to make his little girl into a dirty whore. She likes stuffed animals! She’s loose with her affections! She’s going to be promiscuous! Lawdy lawdy! Shes’s only five … I really worry what’s going to happen in 5-7 years when she starts developing.

  6. human says:

    That is a brilliant answer. Priceless!

  7. evil fizz says:

    I should definitely forward this post to my sister.

    Wait, wait, norbizness. Your sister had all of those stuffed animals and she’s *not* running a sex club or acting in gang bang porn?

    I’m just speechless.

  8. BabyGirl says:

    Amen, Mighty Ponygirl. This guy is beyond creepy.

  9. Betsy says:

    When I read that letter on slate yesterday, I assumed it was a prank, to be honest.

  10. Betsy says:

    …but maybe that was just wishful thinking on my part.

  11. thistle says:

    I think I should be grateful my parents didn’t assume my brother and I were on the road to being axe murderers based on what we used to do to gummy bears, huh?

  12. thistle — not to mention all of the headless barbie dolls, and don’t even get onto the deicidic tendencies of the chocolate easter bunnies!

  13. JoAsakura says:

    This dude is DEFINITELY purity ball material.

    :wonders if you can hear circus music if you listen real carefully:

  14. mythago says:

    The dude struck me as somebody pulling a prank on Prudie, actually.

  15. Caja says:

    Hmm. I had lots and lots of favorite stuffed animals and plastic dinosaurs and stuff . . . and I grew up to be polyamorous! Watch out, parents! The kids should only get one wooden block as a toy. EVAR.

  16. Henry says:

    This has to be a goof.

  17. norbizness says:

    Evil: I never said anything of the sort. Her sex club is quite successful.

  18. norbizness, I only go there for the footlong hotdogs.

  19. SarahMC says:

    Hah. As I revealed in last week’s 8-things-about-me thread, I used to play a game called “Dead Baby” when I was small. Didn’t care much for dolls, so I created dramatic soap opera-esque scenarios in which babies died for one reason or another, and acted them out with my cousin. Dad didn’t care much for the game. I wonder if he wrote into any advice columnists seeking reassurance I wouldn’t grow up to be an “abortionist.”

  20. Dear Perhaps,

    No, it means she will choose to spend quality romantic time with a Realdoll (TM) rather than a human being.
    That, or she’ll have a lot of pet cats.

    Warmly,
    Elaine

  21. Pingback: Blog of the Moderate Left » Well

  22. Thorn says:

    OMG, I had the same take Mighty Ponygirl did – that this guy is just working overtime to turn his child’s normal actions (what’s that, a 5-year-old whose favorite toy is generally her newest toy?? STOP THE PRESSES!). It was his mention that she sleeps with her stuffed animals that creeped me out – as if somehow sleeping with a stuffie is whatsoever analogous to having sex.

  23. Lindsay says:

    Yeah, I read this the other day and I was just…my jaw dropped. It’s sick when parents have an obsession with their child’s sexuality.

  24. GreyLadyBast says:

    ohfortheluvapeet….!

    I wonder what this clown would have made of the time my mom walked in on me hanging a bunch of Barbies by the neck from my canopy, happily playing “Salem Witch Trials.”

    …of course, Mom didn’t stick around for the part where the witches all come back to life and cursed the evil villagers to suffer the pain they had caused…

    Bast

  25. thistle says:

    I wonder if these were (*gasp*) female stuffed animals?

  26. JoAsakura says:

    …of course, Mom didn’t stick around for the part where the witches all come back to life and cursed the evil villagers to suffer the pain they had caused…

    Bast, you’re my hero for today ^_______^v

  27. akeeyu says:

    “Does this behavior indicate she’ll be overly promiscuous as an adult”

    There’s such a thing as *overly* promiscuous? Oooh, crap.

    Oh, and holy shit, this guy is just a big ball of crazy. Do you think he’s able to commit to a single neurosis, or is he kind of slutty with his nuttiness?

  28. SoE says:

    I actually thought he might ask for a way to tell her so many toys are waaaaaaaaay too expensive. Naïve me…

    It’s not working the other way round, tho. I had only one stuffed animal (teddybear) sleeping in my bed and he’s still with me. But I am not having my first boyfriend anymore. ^^

  29. When I wrote that, I thought Prudie would know I was kidding.

  30. zuzu says:

    My evil ex-roommate used to play Prisoner of the Vietcong with her brother and sister — they’d trap the little sister under a laundry basket and poke her with sticks.

    Not terribly promiscuous as an adult, but also not very good at paying the rent.

  31. Linnaeus says:

    Not terribly promiscuous as an adult, but also not very good at paying the rent.

    I suspect that in the grand scheme of things, not paying the rent was the least bad of her qualities.

  32. Linnaeus says:

    Really, this guy doesn’t need to worry until his daughter gets the plush Cthulhu. Then we’ve got a problem.

  33. slythwolf says:

    I am in no way surprised that a man equates sex partners to toys which one owns.

  34. Blunderbuss says:

    …… Buh?

    No, seriously, what?

    Holy crap, if he over-reacts to something like this, I don’t know what he’ll do if he sees her playing with clotheless Barbies or deciding to swim without a swimsuit or being afraid of boy-cooties. Oh no, she’s afraid of boy germs, she’ll be a lesbian!

    Hell, I occasionally went around topless, because the boys did and my chest was just like theirs, right? This whacko would think I’d be a topless dancer when I grew up, or something.

Comments are closed.