In the comments thread to my last post, a bunch of people started sharing their transition stories, good and bad. I thought I’d promote the topic to a post of its own.
What was your transition process, if you don’t mind sharing? Were there any especially positive or negative aspects of it? Was there any individual circumstance that smoothed the way or created near-insurmountable difficulties?
What would your ideal process look like? Are there any general policies you feel would work better than the status quo?
(As always, non-trans people are perfectly welcome to read and comment, but please be mindful of the sensitivity of the subject matter.)
Well, I’m working toward a genderqueer/genderfuck presentation and don’t really have much of a concrete idea of what I want the finished product to look like. I don’t have a role model in it, either, so there’s really no one I can look to for tips or advice. I’m just taking it one step at a time, carefully examining each decision I make when it comes to presentation. The only thing I really know is that I want to avoid an androgynous look that favors the andro over the gyno.
I’m open to help, though! :D
As a non-trans guy, I would appreciate hearing transition stories (though there are some dangers for non-trans people who expect trans spectrum people to tell their stories, of course). One of the ways that non-trans people can come to better understand gender from trans spectrum perspectives is to hear such stories. Thank you for the post.
I could write books on this one…but not here. My transition is a work in progress, but it’s coming along nicely (if slowly at times). What follows are my observations about what kind of guidelines I have worked with as things have progressed.
My rules of thumb about transition are as follows:
1) Take your time. It doesn’t have to happen “overnight” – even if we want it to, that’s probably not a good idea.
2) Stop and smell the roses. During a journey as rich and complex as gender transition, there will be moments where you reach a plateau – sit back and enjoy what you’ve learned. Ask yourself those fundamental questions – like “is this all I need?”
3) Don’t worry about the diagnostic language of the DSM. It’s descriptive, not prescriptive. {and if your therapist uses it in the latter sense, find another therapist}
4) The HBIGDA (now WPATH) SOC serve a purpose, but they are guidelines, not absolute rules. Therapists need to be willing to adjust the details of the treatment path based on the client’s needs. There are no absolutes – what works for me won’t work for others. Therapists that are modelling their approach on the old gender clinic models (such as the old Clarke Institute in Toronto)
5) Being transsexual is not a sin, crime or otherwise. Don’t be ashamed of who you are, but be cautious.
6) (For MTFs) Start electrolysis sooner rather than later. That beard is denser than you think – and if you back away from transition, the worst case is that you won’t have to shave every morning.
7) Don’t (for God’s sake – DON’T!) self-administer hormones. A good doctor will ramp your dosage up at a safe pace, and should be watching for signs of your body “overreacting”. If they aren’t being cautious, then you are the one at risk. (BTW – your doctor and your therapist should be in regular contact with each other – you are creating a team here to help you manage this process)
Above all, don’t rush yourself. Think things through, and take steps when you are ready – not when someone pressures you to.
…you are creating a team here to help you manage this process …
What a great way to think about it.
Therapists that are modelling their approach on the old gender clinic models (such as the old Clarke Institute in Toronto)
Oops – partial thought there – that should read:
…on the old gender clinic models … are sadly stuck in something of the past, and have gotten out of touch with the literature and current practice models. They may require a lot of work to get them somewhat up to date.
Well, I guess my transition would be considered complete… Surgery is over, driver’s license says I failed sex… (Sex: F) and everyone I know anymore only knows me as Mireille.
How to talk about this without going on and on and still being informative.. Hmm
Well, years ago, after the traumatic end of a relationship, I felt like it was time to take this whole gender confusion of mine head on. It started out slowly… Internet research, mail ordering things, chatting with others all across the broad spectrum of people included under the umbrella term of “transgender”. It did not take long for me to realize I wasn’t a crossdresser… The whole “I love to express my feminine side” thing just didn’t speak to me.
So I started to read further into transsexuality… Some of it made sense, some of it seemed really alien to me. Many of the testimonials I read said they could tell they were the wrong gender from the age of two… I can’t say that, because I didn’t really understand the difference between boys and girls at that age. I was a late bloomer as far as that went and always felt kind of asexual. And when the only exposure you get to transsexuals is through the talk shows, it’s something I definitely didn’t want to be. Anyway, thank goodness for the internet.
Anyway, I started hair removal very quickly… I hated my facial hair anyway, so it was no loss whatever happened. I basically started transitioning on the job and in life before I started to see a therapist or started hormones. I didn’t start seeing a therapist until about another 2 months later, when I realized I wanted to start hormone therapy. I was fortunate to find a gender specialist who was really great for me. I think I’d consider her more of an enabler than neutral or a gatekeeper… But maybe she was just that way with me. And what I mean is she didn’t get me to question what I was doing so much as encourage me. It was extremely helpful.
So two months later I was able to start hormones and I fortunately found a doc that specialized in TS stuff AND she was on my insurance plan! Bonus! Hormones were a gradual change for me. I didn’t feel anything immediate, and it took a good 2-3 months before I even started to notice minimal changes. And even now, there have been noticeable changes, but they haven’t worked miracles or anything.
I had planned to give myself about 4-5 years to get to surgery, but everything just kicked into gear. My therapist, after about 8 months said I should start thinking about looking for a surgeon, which, thanks to a judicious use of my employer’s 401k program, was financially feasible for me. I checked out the different options, and ended up deciding, since I live in Colorado anyway, to see Dr. Marci Bowers in Trinidad. I liked the fact that she had been through the procedure herself.
So then… about 15 months after my first therapy appointment, I was being prepped for surgery in Trinidad Colorado. I can’t say what the surgery was like, because I was asleep, but the first thing I remember upon waking up is excruciating pain. Morphine was my best friend for about 3 days. Trinidad is a tiny little town, and I didn’t really enjoy my hospital stay because I was there alone the whole time except for the first two days.
About 3-1/2 weeks after my surgery, 5 days before I was supposed to go back to work, my boss called and fired me. Everyone told me I should sue, but I didn’t have any proof of anything and I hit such a major depression, I couldn’t motivate myself to do anything but sit in the house. Fortunately I had enough savings to live through the couple months of unemployment. During that time, I just watched the swelling go down. (As of now, 16 months after surgery, everything turned out very well.) Finally, my friend and therapist convinced me to get some antidepressants, which helped. I actually got motivated and got out and found a job. And I was hired as Mireille, the woman. And that’s who I am now… So getting fired from my last job was sort of a blessing in disguise, no remnants of my past. And now it’s just life. Do people look at me and wonder sometimes? I’m sure. Some people may even feel sure I’m a man, but… Who cares? I’m 6’3, what can I do? I never get negative reactions. There may be things said behind my back, but I wouldn’t know.
I feel very comfortable these days. I started out overcompensating, sure… Terrible clothes, terrible makeup choices, big fake boobs… Oh well, I chalk it up to a second puberty, and puberty is embarassing for most everyone. Now, I dress up when it’s called for, I wear jeans when I’m just hanging out or shopping. I went through the whole “woman’s woman” phase and now I’m past it. Having great friends and just paying attention to society in general and finding my own sense of… me, I guess, I think I’m in a good place now. I live a pretty heterosexual life, meet men relatively frequently. Always tell them before anything happens, and it usually goes pretty well. Sure it freaks some out, but even then, I get “gee, no thanks” not “you fucking freak!”
Well, that’s probably too long, hard to follow, and not very informative, but hey, I’m typing this at work, so… And I’m open to answering any questions that are respectful. And I can only speak for me… The “TS experience” may have general threads, but it’s highly individual… Anyway, hope this is useful.
Let’s see.
I went to the local LGBT health clinic. They told me they could administer testosterone with a letter from a therapist. So I asked around and found a therapist who had a lot of experience working with trans clients. She met with me twice, and gave me a letter stating that it was appropriate to give me testosterone on the second visit.
Of course, the letter also said I had GID, which I absolutely don’t have, but I was willing to buy it for testosterone.
Other aspects of transition are unaffordable as of yet. I’m considering fighting my insurance on covering some of these.
After I spent 6 years male-identified with no medical interventions, getting on hormones and blending in as a man has been the easy part.
Oh, and one other bad part… My dad was the only supportive person in my family, and while he was alive, my mom and brother still talked to me. The last time I saw my mom or brother was at my dad’s funeral, about a year before my surgery. We spoke by phone a few times, but when I made it clear to both of them that I was pursuing surgery, my brother just cut me off immediately and my mom sent several insulting letters, which I just stopped responding to. and it’s now over 2 years since I’ve spoken to either of them. I did recently talk to my sister-in-law… I don’t know how she puts up with my brother, who used to be an atheist punk rocker, then joined the military and turned all religious and republican. I wish i could meet my 2 nephews, but I don’t think that will ever happen.
Choosing to be more anonymous than usual.
My interactions with the medical community, thus far, have been pretty close to ideal. I receive my hormones under an informed consent model, covered by my student health insurance. I have a team of doctors consisting of an endocrinologist, a GP, and a therapist, all of whom are in-house at my school’s clinic, the only complaint being that the lead times for appointments can be long.
I was in therapy for a five months+three months before starting T, only about four appointments of which I considered actually useful, but the first five months I was in a situation in which therapy was my only hold on the medical establishment, and I was moving, so I didn’t see the point in setting up a whole network and then leaving town. My main complaint with therapy is that it’s just not productive for me as an individual. I do my best, but talking doesn’t much help whatever’s going on in my head, and I knew what I was doing when I started transition. I didn’t feel like I had unresolved issues, and I had an extremely supportive social network.
As for general policies, I’m a big fan of informed consent. For ALL medical treatment. I understand where the “well, what if they aren’t sure?” argument comes from, but as far as the idea that, at least for the 18+ crowd, we’re adults and therefore responsible for the care of our bodies, and thus ought to be the first and last (but not necessarily the only) arbiters of what we do with them. No doubt, it’s a tough question, medical policy, but that’s how I see it.
Writes nonnymouse:
As for general policies, I’m a big fan of informed consent. For ALL medical treatment.
I think that is an important point – we need to understand exactly what the various practitioners involved ared proposing.
My main complaint with therapy is that it’s just not productive for me as an individual. I do my best, but talking doesn’t much help whatever’s going on in my head, and I knew what I was doing when I started transition.
I think many of us know what we are doing when we start. The therapist’s role often becomes one of validating that we are in full possession of our faculties, and are making coherent decisions for ourselves. (Yes, I know that for most of us, that seems almost academic, but I can also appreciate that a practitioner would not want to be providing transition support to someone who is suffering from more serious conditions such as schizophrenia without appropriate treatment of that condition already in place)
I chose a somewhat different path, and have used my time with my therapist to work through some of the various insecurities and anxieties that surround aspects of transition such as disclosure to family and close friends.
Well, this will be kind of rambling and incoherent…it’s been a long day and I’m tired…
I’m a 48-yo queer-identified trans woman. I started transitioning four years ago. It has been a very gradual process for me, by my choice. It began with questioning my gender identity – why did I feel so uncomfortable saying that I’m a (gay) man? I’ve been in therapy about this the whole time, again by my choice. Fortunately, I have had two excellent, non-judgemental therapists; I’ve not felt like either of them are “gatekeepers”.
I started estrogen 18 months ago, as an experiment, to see how I would feel about it. The changes were gradual, but over several months, I began just feeling more “right” about myself – only partly due to the body changes; and undoubtably, just opening myself up to what I’ve known all along, and getting encouragement and support for being myself from therapists and friends, probably has more to feeling right than estrogen, but it’s hard to tell.
I continued to identify as femme/genderqueer for 9 months or so after starting estrogen. It’s only in the last 9 months that I am identifying as a trans woman, and I am still not fully comfortable with that identity – still a lot of internalized self-hating crap, I think, and perhaps I’m not really clear on my identity, and perhaps I don’t need to be. Sometimes I just want to throw the labels out, sometimes I cling to them.
I can’t say that I fit the so-called classic picture of trans women. I’ve known since about age 8 that I was not a boy / man, but literally until just a few years ago, I did not have the language to describe what I felt to be. So until I transitioned, I identified as a gay man – very uncomfortably – and had an LTR (18 years) with a(nother) gay man. Even though we loved each other deeply, our relationship was very strained around sex. He loved me like I was a man; how could I tell him that I wanted him to love me like I was a woman, when I did not know myself what I was? Very sad and painful, for both of us.
Since I’ve transitioned, I am becoming increasingly attracted to women, yet totally afraid to act on that (fear of transphobia, fear of rejection), and hence effectively celibate, or really, auto-sexual (and I do not mean that in that discredited “autogynephilia” way – a fraud if there ever was one).
Family: My parents are struggling with this, and things were rough for a while, and I almost broke off the relationship. We’ve patched it up, and I can see that they really are trying, even if there is only so far they can go, and I don’t think they can ever get to where they can call me their daughter. It’s not anger or transphobia on their part, it’s just that they are a product of the 1930′s and 40′s, and can only go so far.
My sister, on the other hand, bounces between totally rejecting me and “lalalala, I can’t hear you LA-LA-LA-LA-LA!!!!” kind of thing.
I’m getting my estrogen on informed consent (bless the Mazzoni Center!). For surgury, I will have to put up with HBIGDA / WPATH.
Work: I’m working at Bryn Mawr College – one of the Seven Sisters women’s colleges – I only started 3 months ago, but I’ve been totally out and been largely accepted (ok, a couple “I’m really confused” looks in the women’s bathrooms, but nothing bad).
What irks me:
(1) Gender-essentialists and pomo-gender-is-all-performance folks – I want to knock their heads together. I don’t think that we can really know how much gender comes from innate sense – subconcious sex – and how much comes from social conditioning, or how those influences interact with each other, and I hate academics who make their Grand Unified Theory Of Gender without asking trans* people ourselves.
(2) Some – and I do mean only some – radical feminists who wish to destroy gender, then turn around and insist on women-born-women space…so if you’re all about destroying gender, then go out and help destroy it, don’t reinforce it (on my body)!
(That said, I cannot condemn radical feminists as a group. Many – not all! – of their ideas do resonate with me, and many younger radfems are openly trans-accepting – such as the radfems that organize the Philadelphia Dyke March.)
(3) Effing bathroom freakouts (my “favorite” part of jury duty).
BTW, I’m amazed at the high level of discussion here at Feministe over trans* and gender issues; it feels hard for me to keep up, so I don’t comment that much.
Way too long, I know, but piny did ask for stories…
Yes, the crux of the informed consent issue is who is considered rational enough to be able to give informed consent. Is someone who is schizophrenic, or bipolar, or developmentally diabled able to give informed consent? I honestly don’t know the answer to that question, especially because it’s going to depend on the severity of any condition and how the person in question manages their health. And what about undiagnosed conditions?
These are all important and difficult questions for articulating a position of informed consent with regards to medical care. However, I do tend to lean on the side of being very unwilling to say that someone is incapable of making decisions about their bodies, as autonomy over my body is very important to me.
One weird thing I’ve noticed when trying to explain the informed consent model for hormone scripts to non-trans people is … they almost seem like they think that’s “too easy” or something and we should be punished before we’re “allowed” to start hormones.
In my mind, that’s about as silly as saying diabetics should have therapy before they get insulin.
Nonnymouse wrote,
“Yes, the crux of the informed consent issue is who is considered rational enough to be able to give informed consent. ”
I think when a person is able to list the probable pros and cons of a choice based in reality and considers both when making a decision then that person is generally held to be able to give informed consent. One of the reasons it’s so important to provide care for mental conditions before transition is to make doubly sure that the want to transition isn’t the manifestation of a symptom of a condition.
As for transition stories, mine’s been stalled. I disliked the outdated gender role test they’d given me several years ago to see if I actually wanted to ‘change sex instead of , heaven forfend, listening to what I said and they didn’t seem overly concerned that it was relying on pink vs blue stereotypes after I pointed it out. Since they didn’t seem to care about not basing diagnosis on stereotypes I figured it was best to keep them uninformed of sexual orientation beyond what they probably expected to hear, as I didn’t and don’t have the time and money to waste on a handful of half-assed backwards doctors and therapists whose goal is to get me to ‘see-the-light’, whatever their brand of light happens to be. Only decent therapist I’d found left town unexpectedly several months later. The people on the other end of the phone lines when I went searching for a new one seemed generally pleasant though clueless about the situation and I assume no one felt qualified because then came the grand merry-go-round of referral when looking for a knowledgeable therapist for gendered stuff, preferably one who wouldn’t be adverse to giving a rec. letter, considering all the time I ended up ‘wasting’ on the one who left before something concrete could be accomplished. So I’m still trying to save money and figure out a way to get to Philly, where the closest trans-friendly therapist is, that I’ve heard of.
Ack, there was supposed to be another mark of disbelief ( ‘ ) around ‘change sex’ and that comma isn’t supposed to be sitting there in the middle between of and heaven, all lazy-like. I can’t find the edit so an extra post will have to do, sorry.
Also, I wanted to add that family-wise, my parents are ignoring it as well as they possibly can (which is pretty damn well, considering they used to harp constantly) close friends, well, all but one keep ‘forgetting’ wrt proper pronouns (eh, benefit of the doubt, I suppose) and acquaintance/people off the street pick a pronouns out of the air.