Fashion Police

If showing asscrack is outlawed, only outlaws will show asscrack.

It doesn’t take a genius to figure out the racial motivations behind these anti-sagging ordinances — it’s a style that’s associated with so-called “hip-hop culture,” and that in itself is offensive to white people. Of course, sagging pants doesn’t actually harm anyone, but that’s beside the point. It’s offensive.

I agree, and I think we should go a step further and really ban all offensive clothing. Saggy pants are a good start, and other legislators have banned or attempted to ban visible thong underwear. Good for them — black people and women are always good groups to begin with. Next, we should focus on anything sex-related, and absolutely ban men from wearing fanny packs in the front, especially if they’re wearing the fanny pack while they’re wearing a shirt, a speedo and no pants.* The fanny-pack-in-front not only goes against the entire purpose of the fanny pack, but the obvious resemblance to a giant man-package leads to some seriously impure thoughts. I understand that men need something to carry their stuff in, so I’ll suggest investing in a man-purse. The frontal fanny-pack is just obscene.

Next: The Mom Jean. The public presence of Mom Jeans only highlights how liberal feminism has destroyed our society. What are these women doing in public? Why aren’t they at home with their children? The Mom Jean — worn sans-children — is a walking billboard of sexual depravity and child neglect. Ban it.

Also: Revealing or otherwise sexualized clothing. Bikinis and any other sort of fitted bathing suit. Thong underwear. Miniskirts. Short-shorts. Push-up bras. Belly shirts. Tight jeans. Low-cut tops. Muscle shirts. Definitely those men’s tank-tops with the really long armpit holes. This one should be obvious.

Finally: Burquas, veils, niqabs, or any other Islamofascist clothing. Clearly, women covering themselves is anti-American, at least when it’s done for Allah instead of for Jerry Falwell (God bless him). We must free these oppressed ladies from the evils of the hijab, and introduce them to the beauty of the denim and floral-print cotton dress.

Who’s with me? And what else should we add to the list?

*…and I’ve officially been in Europe for too long. We should also ban the American version: The handgun-fanny-pack.


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About Jill

Jill began blogging for Feministe in 2005. She has since written as a weekly columnist for the Guardian newspaper and in April 2014 she was appointed as senior political writer for Cosmopolitan magazine.
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34 Responses to Fashion Police

  1. W. Kiernan says:

    All these categories. Nothing but a feast for lawyers. Do this the simple way: just ban all clothes.

  2. Michelle says:

    Ties should be banned because they point to a fella’s whatsit, and that might make us go all woozy.

  3. John says:

    The real point of these laws is to give legal justification for police to go on fishing expeditions. It’s similar to the “I pulled you over because your license plate light is burned out” excuse.

  4. Hestia says:

    Do this the simple way: just ban all clothes.

    No, no, no — nudity is dirty. Instead, require people to purchase carefully-designed uniforms from the government. Bonus: It’ll provide us with the money to go after anyone who attempts to buck the system.

  5. William says:

    *…and I’ve officially been in Europe for too long. We should also ban the American version: The handgun-fanny-pack.

    That isn’t a fashion statement, its a radical form of civil disobedience. ;)

  6. Hector B. says:

    Instead of wearing a fanny pack, there are many attractive concealed carry handbags; for example, here.

  7. orlando says:

    Can we ban the term fanny-pack? We call them bum-bags. Because when fanny means what it means to Australians/British, the implication is that the item may well be obscene as outerwear. And a surprising thing for a man to be wearing. Unless he’s compensating for an anatomical deficiency? Now I think I may be onto something…

  8. Linnaeus says:

    “It’s a carry-all! It’s European!”

  9. Elayne Riggs says:

    Stupid clothing has offended me for as long as I can remember. My response is to mock it, a response I certainly consider valid.

  10. MIA says:

    Men should not be allowed to wear shorts in public. Hairy legs are really gross! ewwww

    Oh and sunglasses. It is offensive when I can’t tell if a guy is learing at me or not. How will I know to respond graciously to his leering if I can’t see his eyes?

  11. trailer park says:

    Whose with me? And what else should we add to the list?

    All men shall be required to wear a shirt in public at all times. Body hair, man-boobs and beer guts are offensive.

  12. Sara says:

    And why is all the saggy-pants talk directed at the menfolk? If I heard there was such a law, I’d have thought it was about the ultra-low-rise jeans with the g-string visible at the back and the top of the mons visible at the front. Gee, if you’re gonna enact a pants law, get *everyone* with it, okay?

  13. FashionablyEvil says:

    wearing the fanny pack while they’re wearing a shirt, a speedo and no pants

    No kidding. I’m always torn between watching and being revolted. Fashion rubber-necking I guess.

  14. Hector B. says:

    fanny-pack? We call them bum-bags

    In Singapore, they’re called “waist pouches.” I think waist is a more neutral term than either fanny or bum.

  15. orlando says:

    In Singapore, they’re called “waist pouches.”

    That sounds sooo demure. But like it probably means a sporran.

  16. Christina says:

    Leggings. jeans with dresses. The 1980s revival. puffy paint. Mandals.
    Capris (for God’s sake, make up your mind. Shorts or pants, it’s not that hard, people.)
    Professors with backpacks. Get a briefcase. Be an adult.

    Ban Goth wear for all 15 yr old girls who live in a suburb of Dallas and whose name begins with “N”. Child has no right to that much angst.

  17. Beth says:

    Professors with backpacks. Get a briefcase. Be an adult.

    Um, an adult with serious back problems from carrying all that weight on one side? Or is it childish that I walk the 1.25 miles to the university when I suppose I could drive and have my car carry my stuff? I’ll keep my enivronmentally-friendly ergonomically-healthy backpack, thank you.

    What would I like to outlaw? Shoes with heels so high that women have to take little mincing steps in them, getting in my way! (striding along happily with my low shoes and backpack).

  18. Neko-Onna says:

    Cummerbunds. Need I say more?

  19. Torri says:

    oohhh is this when we decide on the uniform for earth? Like in Star Trek all the aliens on one planet dressed the same? We should so do that, ‘you don’t look good in blue? Too bad it’s the earth uniform now!’

  20. Henry says:

    …and I’ve officially been in Europe for too long. We should also ban the American version: The handgun-fanny-pack.

    I used to know a guy who wore one of those while running. He said it was the most practical option. I had to tell him that it looked goofy regardless.

  21. evil fizz says:

    And why is all the saggy-pants talk directed at the menfolk? If I heard there was such a law, I’d have thought it was about the ultra-low-rise jeans with the g-string visible at the back and the top of the mons visible at the front.

    Atlanta’s pending proposal will also ban exposed thongs!

  22. jayinchicago says:

    I’m sensing the stirrings of an early 90s revival (too soon!) and thus would like to pre-emptively ban:

    tight rolled z cavaricci pants/jeans
    those jeans with zippers and bows on the back of each leg
    big floppy Blossom hats
    babydoll dresses for the Nth time
    different colored slouch socks *layered* on top on each other
    jeans tucked into socks
    hairclips with balloons on them
    hypercolor tshirts.

  23. jayinchicago says:

    I’m sensing the stirrings of an early 90s revival (too soon!) and thus would like to preemptively ban:

    tight rolled z cavaricci pants/jeans
    those jeans with zippers and bows on the back of each leg
    big floppy Blossom hats
    babydoll dresses for the Nth time
    different colored slouch socks *layered* on top on each other
    jeans tucked into socks
    hairclips with balloons on them
    hypercolor tshirts.

  24. jayinchicago says:

    i’d only want to ban it once though. that’d be plenty.

  25. Caja says:

    I am all about banning low-rise and low-low-rise pants. GodDAMN but those are uncomfortable to wear. Plus, with these narrow hips, I’m afraid they’ll fall down. I want the fashion industry to start producing clothes that are comfortable, so that in a couple years, when today’s fashions are in the thrift stores, I won’t have to buy my clothes in the boys’ section. Is that too much to ask?

  26. Azundris says:

    Hector,

    attractive concealed carry handbags; for example, here.

    a) How do you know they’re attractive, there seem to be no pictures?

    b) If somebody grabs the bag and runs, aren’t you smegged in six different ways?

    c) In fact, that’s one thing that’s always annoyed me about tight-fitting clothes — that they make it difficult to carry (guns, not knives :).

  27. Henry says:

    Personally, while playing civilian at home I prefer either an inside the waist pancake holster, or if wearing something that doesn’t cover the waist then I wear a belly-band. Works pretty well. Having a small frame pistol doesn’t hurt either.

  28. Hector B. says:

    a) How do you know they’re attractive, there seem to be no pictures?

    b) If somebody grabs the bag and runs, aren’t you smegged in six different ways?

    a) The page looks fine in IE 6
    b) I was basically being silly. If you’re interested, I googled up several interesting discussions of how women carry concealed, including when they are pregnant, and when they’re going to the obgyn.

  29. norbizness says:

    One day, all humanity will be clad in differently-sized slinky bracelets.

  30. Ragnell says:

    oohhh is this when we decide on the uniform for earth? Like in Star Trek all the aliens on one planet dressed the same? We should so do that, ‘you don’t look good in blue? Too bad it’s the earth uniform now!’

    I vote for shiny unitards, color-coded by profession so long as aircraft maintenance gets Hunter Green.

  31. INotI says:

    We should all just wear Mao suits.

  32. Azundris says:

    Hector,
    I use one of those “funny” browsers, so it’s probably a broken site. :-/

    If you’re interested, I googled up several interesting discussions of how women carry concealed

    I am interested. The last time I googled, there were few women talking, and those who were didn’t care about tight-fitting or fashionable clothes. I just re-googled and just carry concealed women gives a lot of hits now that I’m checking out “as we speak”, but if you found any particularly good sites or outstandingly magical search terms, I’d appreciate “hearing” them. Thank you.

  33. RachelPhilPa says:

    I am all about banning low-rise and low-low-rise pants. GodDAMN but those are uncomfortable to wear

    You don’t like ’em? Don’t wear ’em. I wear only low-rise pants, cuz I find standard-rise pants / jeans very uncomfortable (and I also have narrow hips). But I would not suggest banning standard-rise bottoms.

    (Don’t worry…I’m not so gauche as to wear belly shirts and expose my midriff…most of the time…;-)

    BTW, I think the thread is intended to MOCK the anti-sagging laws (and point out the racism of those that propose them)…your proposal seems serious…

  34. Helen says:

    Ok, no to asscrack / whale tail, but god those Mom Jeans are hideous. Do we have to go back to pleated (!!?!) harry-high-pants that look like they belong in some dreadful 1980s Olivia Newton-John video? Gah. Moderation, moderation!

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