We have a talented and funny commentariat here at Feministe, as evidenced by the comments here in the Feministe’s Next Top Troll thread. One concept I’d like to pick up from that thread is the Christmas Pussy carol that got started with micheyd’s comment: “Fiiiiiive golden Nuvarings!” and went from there.
It’s not finished, though. We need your help filling in the blanks. So I ask for your assistance in completing “The Twelve Days of Christmas Pussy.”
Sing along, won’t you?
On the twelfth day of Christmas, my pussy gave to me…
Twelve Nice Guys™ whining,
Eleven spinsters weeping,
Ten hairy armpits,
Nine tampons dripping,
Eight abortions and counting,
Seven bras a-burning,
Six knotted assrags,
Fiiiiive Nuvarings!
Four lying sluts
Three strap-ons,
Two flannel shirts
And a cat sleeping in the bed with me!
Lines should scan to the original (lyrics here, should you have forgotten), which is why I altered the Nuvarings and omitted Lauren’s Nine tabby cats line. Though cats, of course, must make an appearance. No bitter, lonely feminist would be caught dead without one, after all.
UPDATE: I’ve filled in the blanks with your suggestions, but don’t let that stop you — we can have an alternate version as well.
UPDATE 2: Roxie’s recorded a demo (Quicktime).
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“tampons dripping” – it wouldn’t be a feminist post unless we talk about menstruation instead of football!
“Tabby cats” works for the second day.
“hiking boots”–because as you well know, all us earthy, hairy feminists love them.
Four vibrators?
Abortions and counting doesn’t scan though – how about “eight abortion clinics.”
Well sadly, yeast infections have to go in there somewhere. I vote for three.
I also want to say “four screaming orgasms” but “orgasms’ is a syllable too long. It WOULD fit into the first slot . . . An orgasm in a ?
Oh! What about four vibrating dildos?
12 Nice Guys(TM) whining.
Two hairy armpits.
Alecto, Tabby cats definitely fits on the second day…but are TWO cats really enough? How about 8?
Someone needs to check with the trolls.
We need a big empty bed, but I can’t think of where to put it.
Seven bras a-burning
Oh my god, I’ve started a meme! Tears of joy are in my slutty, cat-loving eyes :)
Since I have already made my contribution, I will second Hugo’s excellent one.
I love both 12 nice guys whining and seven bras a-burning. Those are keepers in my book!
…And a tabby cat in a big bed?
Ten cat’s a purring?
And a cat sleeping in my bed with me.
And a baby in a nurseryyyyyyyy.
Okay seriously I should be working.
12 biological clocks ticking…it doesn’t scan but maybe it’ll inspire someone.
Nine Rabbits(TM) buzzing.
“Seven bras a-burning” definitely gets my vote.
Once this is completed, somebody has to shoot a video of a chorus singing this lovely carol and get it up on YouTube in time for the holidays.
I second “Two hiking boots” as I came here to suggest it, but madeline beat me to it.
Two castrated balls? Come on, where are we with feminist stereotypes without including castration somewhere?
Oh, hell yes.
four ranting trolls
Three dyke “friends.”
“Two flannel shirts” has a nice ring to it–it’s on the par with hiking boots, but has a more music lilt.
And maybe “Eleven spinsters weeping.” ‘Cause none of us all is ever gonna find a man.
Damn it, Zuzu, I wish I was in NY and then we could TOTALLY do this together.
Karaoke!
Four lying sluts?
Three lovely orgasms?
“strap-ons swinging” ….because after all, penis envy blah blah.
I. can’t. stop. laughing!
Especially paired with the “Four lying sluts,” as we feminists are both hairy armpitted Madonna and Whore all wrapped up in flannel and shod in hiking boots. With extra batteries for the vibrators, of course.
Four raging dykes,
Three vegan meals,
Two saggy breasts
I love it, but the last line doesn’t quite scan. A cat in the bed with me (leave out “sleeping”) would do it if I’ve counted syllables correctly.
I think the last line would scan much better if it was “and all my cats in bed with me” — and then we are not limited to only one cat, because surely a true feminist would have too many to count!
Okay, I think that tcupnewt wins. At life.
Instead of considering it complete, we can do incremental improvement, by voting on contested lines. I won’t be offended, for instance, if anybody trumps my suggestions.
This is brilliant!
And it’s too bad “nine judges legislating” doesn’t quite have the right meter.
We could do “nine black-robed judges.”
Yes, but “nine black-robed judges” doesn’t say what they’re doing, which is, of course, usurping the will of the people by interpreting laws in their evil librul ways and undermining democracy.
You know, what we should really do is get 12 feminist bloggers to sing one line each. Then, montage.
For the alternate version:
Six balls a-breaking?
How about six balls a-busting?
Ok, I just finished v-recording the whole thing on my phone’s mic. I do agree the “eight abortion clinics” does fit just a bit better.
The link to my recording is in my nick. (it is quicktime)
Six balls a-shrinking?
Eight more abortions?
IAAL until I’m crying…y’all crack me up…
Oh, Roxie, I love you.
Oh Roxie! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (wipes tears) I howled every time you trilled “5 Nuva riiiiiings!” Every. Time. Oh, it’s priceless.
Some suggestions:
I’d say “Six balls for busting” because you know, we feminists want to do the busting ourselves, we don’t want the already busted or the self imploding.
I also thought of “eight abortion doctors”, cause the docs are the ones spreading the horror of abortion by helping us selfish women splurge our wombs.
and my other alternative: “two Birkenstocks”, cause even though I don’t wear ‘em, if we’re sticking to stereotypes, that really is classic.
Oh how I wish I knew a feminist chorus somewhere! Hey, that’s kinda a neat idea anyway.
Twelve Rabbits humming,
Eleven gripers griping,
Ten Keepers keeping,
Nine judges judging,
Eight cocks a-shrinking,
Seven fundies praying,
Six lawyers winning,
Five MRAs
Four fightin’ words,
Three mad men,
Two lady loves,
And an IUD insida me
Christmas carols? But it’s not even Halloween yet! Ahhh!
Feministe has become a meta-blog based on the behavior of it’s own trolls. I love it.
Me too.
Holy crap. Roxie, I love you forever and a day. I can’t get over the CHEERINESS of it! It makes me want to go caroling in…I don’t know, the boonies of Mississippi or something.
I know. But I’ve already seen Christmas stuff in the shops, so I think we’re on the bleeding edge of the season. Plus, it gives us time to find a choir and rehearse the various versions that will come out of this.
John Gibson will stroke out…one way or another.
Happy holidays, folks.
I haven’t laughed so much at a thread since Pandagon’s FACK-yew post. Thanks everyone!
(I tried to find the above-mentioned Pandagon thread, but to no avail.)
I should try to make that my ring tone.
Glad you have as much fun listening to it as I did singing it! sorry for the flubs.
I totally want to do this with a chorus.
A Christmas Pussy Choir
Christmas Pussy – n. Comes once a year and only if you’re a really good boy
[Tony, Toni, Toné. You overstate your importance to this blog. But really, if you can't make a woman come more than once a year, you've really got to work on your skills. -- Z.]
[PS -- Don't know how you got past the modbot, but you're banned.]
[PPS -- Yes, again.]
Dang, I take a day off to enjoy October sun in Seattle and something as precious as this pops up! Nice job, folks, and terrific job, Roxie!
I’m astounded nobody has yet suggested “The Twelve Days of Cunt-mas” for the song’s title. Well, consider it proposed. I don’t especially love the word “cunt” (yeah, I know there’s a whole other dialogue to be had there), but in this case…
This thread is cracking me up so bad.
Classic. Better than the original, even. Just don’t do what I did and listen to the demo with loudspeakers on when there are unuspecting people in the room. :D
I don’t get the KNOTTED ASS RAGS…..
WHERE DID YOU GET THE KNOTTED ASS RAGS??
Why only two flannel shirts?
From Tony in the Feministe’s Next Top Troll thread.
oh god…listened to the demo….six knotted assrags……can’t stop laughing….can’t breathe…..AHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
instead of hiking boots, i suggest “two birkenstock” just because it sound more lyrical.
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