A Christmas Pussy Carol

We have a talented and funny commentariat here at Feministe, as evidenced by the comments here in the Feministe’s Next Top Troll thread. One concept I’d like to pick up from that thread is the Christmas Pussy carol that got started with micheyd’s comment: “Fiiiiiive golden Nuvarings!” and went from there.

It’s not finished, though. We need your help filling in the blanks. So I ask for your assistance in completing “The Twelve Days of Christmas Pussy.”

Sing along, won’t you?

On the twelfth day of Christmas, my pussy gave to me…

Twelve Nice Guys™ whining,
Eleven spinsters weeping,
Ten hairy armpits,
Nine tampons dripping,
Eight abortions and counting,
Seven bras a-burning,
Six knotted assrags,
Fiiiiive Nuvarings!
Four lying sluts
Three strap-ons,
Two flannel shirts
And a cat sleeping in the bed with me!

Lines should scan to the original (lyrics here, should you have forgotten), which is why I altered the Nuvarings and omitted Lauren’s Nine tabby cats line. Though cats, of course, must make an appearance. No bitter, lonely feminist would be caught dead without one, after all.

UPDATE: I’ve filled in the blanks with your suggestions, but don’t let that stop you — we can have an alternate version as well.

UPDATE 2: Roxie’s recorded a demo (Quicktime).


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73 comments for “A Christmas Pussy Carol

  1. October 13, 2007 at 3:12 pm

    “tampons dripping” – it wouldn’t be a feminist post unless we talk about menstruation instead of football!

  2. Alecto
    October 13, 2007 at 3:25 pm

    “Tabby cats” works for the second day.

  3. madeline
    October 13, 2007 at 3:31 pm

    “hiking boots”–because as you well know, all us earthy, hairy feminists love them.

  4. SunlessNick
    October 13, 2007 at 3:51 pm

    Four vibrators?

    Abortions and counting doesn’t scan though – how about “eight abortion clinics.”

  5. October 13, 2007 at 3:54 pm

    Well sadly, yeast infections have to go in there somewhere. I vote for three.

    I also want to say “four screaming orgasms” but “orgasms’ is a syllable too long. It WOULD fit into the first slot . . . An orgasm in a ?

    Oh! What about four vibrating dildos?

  6. October 13, 2007 at 3:55 pm

    12 Nice Guys(TM) whining.

  7. October 13, 2007 at 4:00 pm

    Two hairy armpits.

  8. mobiusedge
    October 13, 2007 at 4:13 pm

    Alecto, Tabby cats definitely fits on the second day…but are TWO cats really enough? How about 8?

    Someone needs to check with the trolls.

    We need a big empty bed, but I can’t think of where to put it.

  9. October 13, 2007 at 4:18 pm

    Seven bras a-burning

  10. micheyd
    October 13, 2007 at 4:21 pm

    Oh my god, I’ve started a meme! Tears of joy are in my slutty, cat-loving eyes :)

    Since I have already made my contribution, I will second Hugo’s excellent one.

  11. October 13, 2007 at 4:26 pm

    I love both 12 nice guys whining and seven bras a-burning. Those are keepers in my book!

  12. Dianne
    October 13, 2007 at 4:31 pm

    …And a tabby cat in a big bed?

    Ten cat’s a purring?

  13. Dr. Confused
    October 13, 2007 at 4:32 pm

    And a cat sleeping in my bed with me.

  14. October 13, 2007 at 4:34 pm

    And a baby in a nurseryyyyyyyy.

    Okay seriously I should be working.

  15. Dianne
    October 13, 2007 at 4:35 pm

    12 biological clocks ticking…it doesn’t scan but maybe it’ll inspire someone.

  16. October 13, 2007 at 4:41 pm

    Nine Rabbits(TM) buzzing.

    “Seven bras a-burning” definitely gets my vote.

  17. October 13, 2007 at 4:42 pm

    Once this is completed, somebody has to shoot a video of a chorus singing this lovely carol and get it up on YouTube in time for the holidays.

  18. RacyT
    October 13, 2007 at 4:49 pm

    I second “Two hiking boots” as I came here to suggest it, but madeline beat me to it.

  19. October 13, 2007 at 4:51 pm

    Two castrated balls? Come on, where are we with feminist stereotypes without including castration somewhere?

  20. zuzu
    October 13, 2007 at 4:54 pm

    Once this is completed, somebody has to shoot a video of a chorus singing this lovely carol and get it up on YouTube in time for the holidays.

    Oh, hell yes.

  21. exholt
    October 13, 2007 at 5:00 pm

    four ranting trolls

  22. October 13, 2007 at 5:03 pm

    Three dyke “friends.”

  23. Faustina
    October 13, 2007 at 5:04 pm

    “Two flannel shirts” has a nice ring to it–it’s on the par with hiking boots, but has a more music lilt.

    And maybe “Eleven spinsters weeping.” ‘Cause none of us all is ever gonna find a man.

  24. October 13, 2007 at 5:12 pm

    Oh, hell yes.

    Damn it, Zuzu, I wish I was in NY and then we could TOTALLY do this together.

  25. zuzu
    October 13, 2007 at 5:14 pm

    Karaoke!

  26. Dr. Confused
    October 13, 2007 at 5:26 pm

    Four lying sluts?

  27. Dianne
    October 13, 2007 at 5:29 pm

    Three lovely orgasms?

  28. October 13, 2007 at 5:33 pm

    “strap-ons swinging” ….because after all, penis envy blah blah.

  29. mobiusedge
    October 13, 2007 at 5:34 pm

    “Eleven spinsters weeping.”

    I. can’t. stop. laughing!

    Especially paired with the “Four lying sluts,” as we feminists are both hairy armpitted Madonna and Whore all wrapped up in flannel and shod in hiking boots. With extra batteries for the vibrators, of course.

  30. tcupnewt
    October 13, 2007 at 5:38 pm

    Four raging dykes,
    Three vegan meals,
    Two saggy breasts

  31. Dianne
    October 13, 2007 at 5:48 pm

    I love it, but the last line doesn’t quite scan. A cat in the bed with me (leave out “sleeping”) would do it if I’ve counted syllables correctly.

  32. eloriane
    October 13, 2007 at 5:52 pm

    I think the last line would scan much better if it was “and all my cats in bed with me” — and then we are not limited to only one cat, because surely a true feminist would have too many to count!

  33. October 13, 2007 at 5:53 pm

    Okay, I think that tcupnewt wins. At life.

  34. Dr. Confused
    October 13, 2007 at 5:53 pm

    Instead of considering it complete, we can do incremental improvement, by voting on contested lines. I won’t be offended, for instance, if anybody trumps my suggestions.

  35. October 13, 2007 at 5:55 pm

    This is brilliant!

  36. Dr. Confused
    October 13, 2007 at 5:56 pm

    And it’s too bad “nine judges legislating” doesn’t quite have the right meter.

  37. zuzu
    October 13, 2007 at 5:57 pm

    We could do “nine black-robed judges.”

  38. Dr. Confused
    October 13, 2007 at 6:03 pm

    Yes, but “nine black-robed judges” doesn’t say what they’re doing, which is, of course, usurping the will of the people by interpreting laws in their evil librul ways and undermining democracy.

  39. October 13, 2007 at 6:06 pm

    Once this is completed, somebody has to shoot a video of a chorus singing this lovely carol and get it up on YouTube in time for the holidays.

    You know, what we should really do is get 12 feminist bloggers to sing one line each. Then, montage.

  40. October 13, 2007 at 6:13 pm

    For the alternate version:

    Six balls a-breaking?

  41. Dianne
    October 13, 2007 at 6:47 pm

    Six balls a-breaking?

    How about six balls a-busting?

  42. October 13, 2007 at 7:13 pm

    Ok, I just finished v-recording the whole thing on my phone’s mic. I do agree the “eight abortion clinics” does fit just a bit better.

    The link to my recording is in my nick. (it is quicktime)

  43. Ledasmom
    October 13, 2007 at 7:31 pm

    Six balls a-shrinking?
    Eight more abortions?

  44. RachelPhilPa
    October 13, 2007 at 7:32 pm

    IAAL until I’m crying…y’all crack me up…

  45. zuzu
    October 13, 2007 at 7:43 pm

    Oh, Roxie, I love you.

  46. October 13, 2007 at 8:16 pm

    Oh Roxie! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (wipes tears) I howled every time you trilled “5 Nuva riiiiiings!” Every. Time. Oh, it’s priceless.

  47. kate
    October 13, 2007 at 8:25 pm

    Some suggestions:

    I’d say “Six balls for busting” because you know, we feminists want to do the busting ourselves, we don’t want the already busted or the self imploding.

    I also thought of “eight abortion doctors”, cause the docs are the ones spreading the horror of abortion by helping us selfish women splurge our wombs.

    and my other alternative: “two Birkenstocks”, cause even though I don’t wear ’em, if we’re sticking to stereotypes, that really is classic.

    Oh how I wish I knew a feminist chorus somewhere! Hey, that’s kinda a neat idea anyway.

  48. October 13, 2007 at 8:38 pm

    Twelve Rabbits humming,
    Eleven gripers griping,
    Ten Keepers keeping,
    Nine judges judging,
    Eight cocks a-shrinking,
    Seven fundies praying,
    Six lawyers winning,
    Five MRAs
    Four fightin’ words,
    Three mad men,
    Two lady loves,
    And an IUD insida me

  49. October 13, 2007 at 8:58 pm

    Christmas carols? But it’s not even Halloween yet! Ahhh!

  50. October 13, 2007 at 9:21 pm

    Feministe has become a meta-blog based on the behavior of it’s own trolls. I love it.

  51. October 13, 2007 at 10:03 pm

    Me too.

  52. orangepeacock
    October 13, 2007 at 10:12 pm

    Holy crap. Roxie, I love you forever and a day. I can’t get over the CHEERINESS of it! It makes me want to go caroling in…I don’t know, the boonies of Mississippi or something.

  53. zuzu
    October 13, 2007 at 10:20 pm

    Christmas carols? But it’s not even Halloween yet! Ahhh!

    I know. But I’ve already seen Christmas stuff in the shops, so I think we’re on the bleeding edge of the season. Plus, it gives us time to find a choir and rehearse the various versions that will come out of this.

  54. October 13, 2007 at 10:24 pm

    John Gibson will stroke out…one way or another.

    Happy holidays, folks.

  55. RacyT
    October 13, 2007 at 10:44 pm

    I haven’t laughed so much at a thread since Pandagon’s FACK-yew post. Thanks everyone!

    (I tried to find the above-mentioned Pandagon thread, but to no avail.)

  56. Esme
    October 13, 2007 at 11:16 pm

    I should try to make that my ring tone.

  57. October 14, 2007 at 1:04 am

    Glad you have as much fun listening to it as I did singing it! sorry for the flubs.

    I totally want to do this with a chorus.

  58. October 14, 2007 at 1:04 am

    A Christmas Pussy Choir

  59. October 14, 2007 at 1:05 am

    Christmas Pussy – n. Comes once a year and only if you’re a really good boy

    [Tony, Toni, Toné. You overstate your importance to this blog. But really, if you can’t make a woman come more than once a year, you’ve really got to work on your skills. — Z.]

    [PS — Don’t know how you got past the modbot, but you’re banned.]

    [PPS — Yes, again.]

  60. B.D.
    October 14, 2007 at 8:10 am

    Dang, I take a day off to enjoy October sun in Seattle and something as precious as this pops up! Nice job, folks, and terrific job, Roxie!

  61. utsusemi
    October 14, 2007 at 8:28 am

    I’m astounded nobody has yet suggested “The Twelve Days of Cunt-mas” for the song’s title. Well, consider it proposed. I don’t especially love the word “cunt” (yeah, I know there’s a whole other dialogue to be had there), but in this case…

    This thread is cracking me up so bad.

  62. Anne Onne
    October 14, 2007 at 9:34 am

    Classic. Better than the original, even. Just don’t do what I did and listen to the demo with loudspeakers on when there are unuspecting people in the room. :D

  63. October 14, 2007 at 6:03 pm

    I don’t get the KNOTTED ASS RAGS…..

    WHERE DID YOU GET THE KNOTTED ASS RAGS??

  64. info3000
    October 14, 2007 at 6:56 pm

    Why only two flannel shirts?

  65. zuzu
    October 14, 2007 at 11:13 pm

    WHERE DID YOU GET THE KNOTTED ASS RAGS??

    From Tony in the Feministe’s Next Top Troll thread.

  66. ocean_eyes
    October 15, 2007 at 1:01 pm

    oh god…listened to the demo….six knotted assrags……can’t stop laughing….can’t breathe…..AHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

  67. October 18, 2007 at 2:52 am

    instead of hiking boots, i suggest “two birkenstock” just because it sound more lyrical.

Comments are closed.