I went to a Chris Dodd rally and all I got were these lousy blue-balls

1_61_dodd_christopher.jpg
Cock-blocker extraordinaire.

Poor William Sindewald. He’s a college journalism student* who attended a Chris Dodd rally under the assumption that he’d meet lots of hot chicks, and instead, all of Dodd’s supporters were old. And no one touched his peen.

I heard several presidential candidates were coming to the Iowa City and Cedar Rapids area to campaign for the caucus. I went to one of my roommates, Paul Guernsey, a political science major. He’s very political savvy and I asked him if he had ever gone to a political rally during caucus time.

“Yeah!” Guernsey said. “There’s a bunch of people all around, everyone is hooting and hollering. The atmosphere is incredible!”

So it’s pretty much like a baseball game, I thought. If a person shows up, shows a little bit of knowledge then they’re good to go.

“Are there usually a lot of hot girls to hit on?”

“Yeah,” he replied laughing histarically. I knows me to well.

Someone needs to make a lolcat out of that last “sentence.”

Long story short, he goes to the Dodd rally, but only spies three potential “targets”: a girl who is “especially gifted in the chest region,” a woman with a child, and a hot reporter babe.

I stayed for about ten more minutes and left with a very bad feeling. I knew that I just went to this boring speech with nothing in return for it. I didn’t get to talk to any girls.

I blame Chris Dodd for this.

Of course, as I read this my Dim-Witted Prick Meter is going off the charts, so perhaps the problem is that William so reeks of douchery** that the ladies can smell it from a mile away and they flee en masse. And who suspects that if he did get so far as to talk to a girl, he’d be writing about how chicks are so mean to Nice Guys like him, and did you know that girls don’t like boys, girls like cars and money? (And politics?).

As I’m walking out I see Atul Nakhasi, the president of the University of Iowa Democrats. I approached him and told him my plan of using the speech as a positive social atmosphere to hit on girls.

“Well political conversations work better when you’re under the influence usually, so they might not work as well at a presidential candidate talk, but there’s a decent amount of students at most rallies. This, however, was a generally the older crowd,” Nakhasi said.

He added that picking up chicks is a lot easier when you hit up such rallies for Barack Obama or Hillary Clinton. “There are a lot hotter women at those rallies if that’s how you want to find them,” he said. Had I only talked to him earlier I would have not wasted my time.

I came away from this finding out that voting and using politics to hit on girls both have one thing in common. Doing your homework pays off.

That’s, like, so fucking deep, man.

And good to know that college dudes — from the ones who “hate politics” yet write on political blogs to the ones who run university political groups — want younger women to attend political rallies in order to decorate the place. I won’t really know what he was doing at a Democratic rally in the first place — didn’t he get the memo that we’re all corn-fed, no make-up, natural fiber, no-bra needing, sandal-wearing, hirsute, somewhat fragrant hippie chick pie wagons?

Thanks to Matt for the link.

_____________________________
*I’m beginning to think that we need a category just for fuckwit college newspaper columnists.
**And probably bad cologne too


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49 comments for “I went to a Chris Dodd rally and all I got were these lousy blue-balls

  1. November 14, 2007 at 8:21 pm

    On behalf of Iowa City, I apologize.

    Mr. Sindewald needs to be introduced to the 1,000,000,004 other venues in Iowa City in which you can meet college students looking for a little something. I’m not volunteering.

  2. Mael
    November 14, 2007 at 8:39 pm

    He should also be introduced to the wonderful world of grammar.

  3. Rachel of Cyberia
    November 14, 2007 at 8:39 pm

    histarically?

    Women don’t get intimate with men who are illiterate.

  4. November 14, 2007 at 9:04 pm

    “Yeah,” he replied laughing histarically. I knows me to well.

    And his journalism professor wept a little inside. I’m only an English teacher, but if one of my students put that on a site that was part of my class, I’d fail him or her immediately.

  5. November 14, 2007 at 9:08 pm

    I was once a vice president for a young democrats group. As the only girl in the leadership my duties were: decorating for parties, snack retrieval and not calling candidates out on sexist bullshit.

    I wonder why more women aren’t in politics? Could it be that snack retrieval and streamer hanging aren’t that fulfilling?

  6. November 14, 2007 at 9:10 pm

    I also failed miserably and publicly at the not calling candidates out on sexist behavior part.

  7. Karen
    November 14, 2007 at 9:36 pm

    The only thing that prevented me from turning into my alter-ego, the Grammar She-Hulk, jumping through the tubz and melting that dimwit’s hard drive, as well as making the ‘s’ on his keyboard stick permanently, was the fact that I read this on Feministe. Jill’s writing can calm the GSH, but please be warned that may not last. One of theeeeessssee daysss . . . . ARGGGH. HULK SMASH, HULK USE ALL-CAPS!!!

  8. kate
    November 14, 2007 at 11:49 pm

    “Yeah,” he replied laughing histarically. I knows me to well

    And what high school posing as a college is he attending? There are so many, I think its high time they be put on the record.

  9. Hector B.
    November 15, 2007 at 1:05 am

    Jill, please. This is what we call humor in the Midwest. Think Ring Lardner’s “You Know Me, Al.” Every line was meant to be ironic. The author, William Sindewald, was making fun of the IRL character, William Sindewald.

  10. Hector B.
    November 15, 2007 at 1:05 am

    Jill, please. You can’t take his writing seriously. This is what we call humor in the Midwest. Think Ring Lardner’s “You Know Me, Al.” Every line was meant to be ironic. The author, William Sindewald, was making fun of the IRL character, William Sindewald.

  11. Hector B.
    November 15, 2007 at 1:09 am

    Wow, that was weird. Sorry about the double post.

  12. Tanooki Joe
    November 15, 2007 at 2:55 am

    This is what we call humor in the Midwest.

    No, this is what we call really bland, poor writing.

    I knows me to well.

    I can deal with the “I knows me”, but the misspelled “to” is just too much.

  13. Nandini
    November 15, 2007 at 3:19 am

    maybe he meant laughing HISTORICALLY?
    how do we know? you feminist women ASSUME too much ;)

  14. exholt
    November 15, 2007 at 4:06 am

    He should also be introduced to the wonderful world of grammar.

    Mael,

    This message could also be applied to plenty of undergraduate and graduate university students, including those in Ivy-level institutions.

    This is not always a bad thing, however, as this phenomenon keeps many English teachers and moonlighting freelance academic tutors in business. ;)

  15. exholt
    November 15, 2007 at 4:40 am

    As for William Sindewald, looks like his cluelessness has shown him up and he’s pissed about it.

    He’s really digging himself a deeper hole by not only publicizing it, but also by openly proclaiming his ulterior “miss the point” motive in attending political rallies for expanding his dating pool, not to support the politicians and the political issues they supposedly represent.

    Would any person with some self-integrity work on a political campaign for a politician s(he) knows nothing about or does not believe in??

  16. November 15, 2007 at 9:27 am

    Ask and ye shall receive: Bill Sindewald LOL Cat

    kthxbai

  17. November 15, 2007 at 10:56 am

    Chris Dodd has powerful hair. I can only hope I’ll have likewise at that age.

  18. Mustella
    November 15, 2007 at 11:36 am

    This is what we call humor in the Midwest

    Speak for yourself. in Ohio we use genuine humor- at least I do.

  19. Hector B.
    November 15, 2007 at 12:06 pm

    I’m going to stick with my assertion that this was classic self-deprecatory Midwest humor. For comparison, here is a sample of Ring Lardner’s You Know Me, Al. Al is the friend of clueless minor league pitcher Jack, who is writing a series of letters to him. Born in Niles, Michigan, Ring Lardner became a sports reporter in Chicago, editor of The Sporting News, and a columnist. He wrote this in 1916 for the Saturday Evening Post:

    San Francisco, California, July 20.

    FRIEND AL: You will forgive me for not writeing to you oftener when you hear the news I got for you. Old pal I am engaged to be married. Her name is Hazel Carney and she is some queen, Al–a great big stropping girl that must weigh one hundred and sixty lbs. She is out to every game and she got stuck on me from watching me work.

    Then she writes a note to me and makes a date and I meet her down on Market Street one night. We go to a nickel show together and have some time. Since then we been together pretty near every evening except when I was away on the road.

    Night before last she asked me if I was married and I tells her No and she says a big handsome man like I ought not to have no trouble finding a wife. I tells her I ain’t never looked for one and she says Well you wouldn’t have to look very far. I asked her if she was married and she said No but she wouldn’t mind it. She likes her beer pretty well and her and I had several and I guess I was feeling pretty good. Anyway I guess I asked her if she wouldn’t marry me and she says it was O.K. I ain’t a bit sorry Al because she is some doll and will make them all sit up back home. She wanted to get married right away but I said No wait till the season is over and maybe I will have more dough. She asked me what I was getting and I told her two hundred dollars a month. She says she didn’t think I was getting enough and I don’t neither but I will get the money when I get up in the big show again.

  20. micheyd
    November 15, 2007 at 12:21 pm

    Chris Dodd has powerful hair. I can only hope I’ll have likewise at that age.

    And great eyebrows! Look at those things!

  21. Cizungu
    November 15, 2007 at 1:39 pm

    I was once a vice president for a young democrats group. As the only girl in the leadership my duties were: decorating for parties, snack retrieval and not calling candidates out on sexist bullshit.

    And that kind of arrangement helped start second-wave feminism: women were caught up in the activism of the 60s, the Civil Rights movement, the New Left, but even as activists they were still expected to prop up their male leaders and not make any fuss over their “domestic” issues. Unsurprisingly, some of them decided to start their own movement. So, on the bright side of things, William Sindelwald is conditioning the up-and-coming generation of women and playing his part in launching the fourth wave. (“Hey Willie, remember me, the woman gifted in the chest region?” “I don’t know what you’re talking a-aah, let go! Let go!”)

  22. November 15, 2007 at 1:50 pm

    I taught at the University of Iowa last year, and Atul Nakhasi was one of my students. He was intelligent enough that he may have just been humoring this guy; I think we’ve all been sucked into uncomfortable conversations in which we pretend to agree just to make it stop.

    Or he could just be sexist. This is why I don’t interact with students outside of the classroom – I just don’t want to know.

  23. November 15, 2007 at 1:56 pm

    I’m going to stick with my assertion that this was classic self-deprecatory Midwest humor. For comparison, here is a sample of Ring Lardner’s You Know Me, Al.

    And Sindelwald suffers by the comparison.

    Jean Sheperd he ain’t.

  24. Hector B.
    November 15, 2007 at 2:30 pm

    Atul Nakhasi was one of my students. He was intelligent enough that he may have just been humoring this guy

    I’m guessing Atul had his tongue firmly planted in his cheek when he said: Well political conversations work better when you’re under the influence usually, because drink-induced incoherence does not usually help advance one’s arguments. I suppose any discussion, however joking, about how to hit on women is inherently sexist, though.

    And Sindelwald suffers by the comparison.

    Jean Sheperd he ain’t.

    Jean Sheperd was fully clued, and a keen observer and conclusion-drawer. He also wrote about his childhood and youth as a much older adult — Sindewald is recording his present experiences.

    The whole premise of finding hot women at a Chris Dodd rally is manifestly absurd.

  25. Geiger
    November 15, 2007 at 5:36 pm

    Longtime lurker, sometime commenter…

    Like James in the first comment, I apologize on behalf of Iowa City as well. It’s actually a beautiful, progressive city, especially if you’re a youngster fresh out of the conservative wastelands of Southwest Iowa.

    I assure you, the University of Iowa is an excellent school, with plenty of politically savvy students. Sindewald is not representative of us.

    Sorry if I’ve derailed the thread, my sense of civic pride has just moved me to comment!

  26. Medicine Man
    November 15, 2007 at 5:44 pm

    *I’m beginning to think that we need a category just for fuckwit college newspaper columnists.

    Yes please — with a category for repeat offenders.

  27. November 15, 2007 at 7:26 pm

    Jean Sheperd was fully clued, and a keen observer and conclusion-drawer. He also wrote about his childhood and youth as a much older adult — Sindewald is recording his present experiences.

    The whole premise of finding hot women at a Chris Dodd rally is manifestly absurd.

    Why? Do you think that hot women wouldn’t vote for him?

    I’m finding it really interesting how you’re trying so very, very hard to salvage some comedy from what it the millionth iteration of the entitled Nice Guy™ fuckwit college newspaper column lamenting that the hot women aren’t touching his peepee.

  28. Nombrilisme Vide
    November 15, 2007 at 8:00 pm

    I won’t really know what he was doing at a Democratic rally in the first place — didn’t he get the memo that we’re all corn-fed, no make-up, natural fiber, no-bra needing, sandal-wearing, hirsute, somewhat fragrant hippie chick pie wagons?

    Wull, duuuh! Obviously, you forget that Democratic women are naturally immoral and slutty, and are used to having nothing but effete meterosexual “men” around, so they’ll be swept off their feet (with ankles in the air, natch) by the first Right-thinking (oops, sorry, “apolitical”), Nice Guy and/or Real Man they meet. No effort required, kthxbai.

    (Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh.)

  29. False Flag Operative
    November 15, 2007 at 10:21 pm

    Chris Dodd is ok, but I don’t like his gun control views. He voted to allow the federal government to confiscate guns in an emergency.

    As for the college people, well, why not start a whole new category?

  30. Hector B.
    November 16, 2007 at 2:17 am

    I’m finding it really interesting how you’re trying so very, very hard to salvage some comedy from what it the millionth iteration of the entitled Nice Guy™ fuckwit college newspaper column lamenting that the hot women aren’t touching his peepee.

    I’m not saying it’s primo comedy. Things like “But she was with another guy, actually it was her kid – She was instantly off my target list” are quite lame. But the author is obviously being silly. He is not taking himself seriously and neither should anyone else.

    I’m finding it really bizarre how everyone else is taking him deadly seriously. He prepared for a campaign rally as if he were going to a singles bar. Also, he compared going to a campaign rally to going to a baseball game, which is also an unlikely pickup spot. (Other unlikely pickup spots: Department of Motor Vehicles, bank teller line, bowling alley shoe rental counter, Senior Center Crafts Fair, and jury duty.) True, he’s being laddish here — references to gifted chests, and to pick-up artist techniques — but he doesn’t seem malicious.

  31. November 16, 2007 at 2:40 pm

    Hector, we’re taking it seriously because the “I was just being silly/funning/joking, whassamatter, don’t you have a sense of humor?” excuse is a convenient one, and a tired one. If he was trying to pull off a Smoove B, he failed miserably. If he was trying to poke fun at himself, he failed miserably. What you see as non-malicious hits a little close to home for some of the rest of us, who’ve been told over and over that we don’t really belong at political rallies/baseball games/bowling alleys/etc. except as decorative objects for the amusement of the *real* participants. Which brings me to this:

    Also, he compared going to a campaign rally to going to a baseball game, which is also an unlikely pickup spot. (Other unlikely pickup spots: Department of Motor Vehicles, bank teller line, bowling alley shoe rental counter, Senior Center Crafts Fair, and jury duty.)

    None of those may be the meat markets you seem to have in mind, but it’s not unheard of for people of similar interests to find each other at such places. Of course, that requires acknowledging that the women who go there do so for their own purposes, and not just to provide hot girls for horny boys to chase.

  32. Hector B.
    November 16, 2007 at 3:13 pm

    zuzu – I understand and can agree that what he thinks is humor is offensive, because its basis is that women are in the public sphere for his gratification. Thank you for helping me figure this out.

  33. scott
    November 16, 2007 at 3:41 pm

    This has probably already been said, but here goes:

    This guy goes to a major university, and he can’t find any hot girls??

    I guess they were right when they said, “If you don’t know where you’re going, any road will do.”

  34. Hector B.
    November 16, 2007 at 4:10 pm

    This guy goes to a major university, and he can’t find any hot girls??

    Hard to believe indeed in Iowa, but Iowa native Bill Bryson asserts that their hotness is fleeting. In his essay, “Fat Girls in Des Moines,” he writes: you see them at Merle Hay Mall in Des Moines on Saturdays, clammy and meaty in their shorts and halter-tops, looking a little like elephants dressed in children’s clothes, yelling at their kids, calling names like Dwayne and Shauna. Jack Kerouac, of all people, thought that Iowa women were the prettiest in the country, but I don’t think he ever went to Merle Hay Mall on a Saturday. I will say this, however -and it’s a strange, strange thing- the teenaged daughters of these fat women are always utterly delectable, as soft and gloriously rounded and naturally fresh-smelling as a basket of fruit. I don’t know what it is that happens to them, but it must be awful to marry one of these nubile cuties knowing that there is a time bomb ticking away in her that will at some unknown date make her bloat out into something huge and grotesque, presumably all of a sudden and without much notice, like a self-inflating raft from which the stopper has been abruptly jerked.

  35. Sean
    November 16, 2007 at 8:35 pm

    As a person born, raised, and currently living in Kansas, I must back up Hector and say the author didn’t mean for one word of this to be taken seriously.

    “There’s a bunch of people all around, everyone is hooting and hollering. The atmosphere is incredible!”

    No college student today uses the expression “hooting and hollering.” Not even in the Midwest. Humor out here is very dry and very self-deprecating.

  36. Sean
    November 16, 2007 at 8:39 pm

    Sorry. Submitted early.
    I read the line I quoted above as mocking the national media portraying Iowans as a bunch of back-water, corn-fed, hillbillies.

  37. zuzu
    November 16, 2007 at 10:40 pm

    Well, so much for ever reading Bill Bryson.

    Are you quoting that with approval, Hector?

  38. Hector B.
    November 17, 2007 at 2:36 am

    The bottom line is that guy humor is toxic. But, in the context of Bryson, the college kid doesn’t look so bad any more, does he?

    I read Bryson’s essay in Granta, so you can cross that magazine off your reading list as well.

  39. kali
    November 17, 2007 at 6:11 am

    Jesus. I can’t believe someone just posted that Bill Bryson quote into the comments of a feminist blog. Apparently in an attempt to initiate some lad-to-lad conversation about which state has the hottest women/how much fat chicks don’t rule. In the comments of a feminist blog.

    WTF? I dunno if it’s stupidity or malice or desperate, desperate insecurity; regardless, Hector needs to shut the hell up.

  40. November 17, 2007 at 9:08 am

    The bottom line is that guy humor is toxic. But, in the context of Bryson, the college kid doesn’t look so bad any more, does he?

    And in the context of Hitler, Bryson is a kitty-cat!

    (See why that argument is kinda dumb?)

  41. Hector B.
    November 17, 2007 at 5:30 pm

    (See why that argument is kinda dumb?)

    True enough. However, unlike Bryson, no one has yet described Hitler as “one of the most beloved and bestselling authors in the English language.”

    kali — it was stupidity on my part. I didn’t remember the “humor” being so cruel.

  42. November 17, 2007 at 8:27 pm

    True enough. However, unlike Bryson, no one has yet described Hitler as “one of the most beloved and bestselling authors in the English language.”

    Heh. Well, perhaps not in the English language, and perhaps that wasn’t the exact description, but I’m pretty sure Hitler was well-loved and had more than a few fans. Mein Kampf sold pretty well, no?

    My point is: It isn’t a good defense of someone to argue, “Well this guy is worse!” Someone is always worse. That doesn’t make it unjustified to criticize.

  43. exholt
    November 17, 2007 at 10:18 pm

    Mein Kampf sold pretty well, no?

    My German history may be rusty, but is it not true that Nazi organizations and government departments eager to spread Hitler’s magnum opus far and wide during the Third Reich bought up a lot of those copies?

  44. Hector B.
    November 18, 2007 at 4:50 am

    It isn’t a good defense of someone to argue, “Well this guy is worse!” Someone is always worse. That doesn’t make it unjustified to criticize.

    I do agree with this.

  45. zuzu
    November 18, 2007 at 12:00 pm

    Sometimes, Hector, you’re really creepy.

  46. Hector B.
    November 18, 2007 at 11:39 pm

    zuzu: yeah. It’s either patriarchical residue or my male privilege coming out. I’ll keep it down in future.

  47. Alison
    November 19, 2007 at 8:48 am

    My German history may be rusty, but is it not true that Nazi organizations and government departments eager to spread Hitler’s magnum opus far and wide during the Third Reich bought up a lot of those copies?

    Actually, Mein Kampf was given to many newly married couples. It was a fairly standard wedding gift. I think any Germans in the 30’s and 40’s without a copy on their shelves would have been in the minority, to say the least.

  48. Caren
    March 28, 2008 at 1:45 am

    Feminists are what is wrong with the female gender. Your cause was acheived 80 some years ago. Quit bitching and giving women a worse name for themselves.

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