I think it’s about time we started protecting the innocent, adorable spermies

Masturbation is Murder, originally uploaded by JillNic83.

Amanda wrote a satirical piece for RH Reality Check about how the next anti-choice step should be to outlaw menstruation. Well, it looks like anti-choicers have caught up with her — they’re trying to pass legislation in Colorado that would give fertilized eggs full Constitutional personhood rights. Unfortunately, the majority of fertilized eggs (somewhere around 70 percent) naturally don’t implant in the uterus and are flushed out onto tampons, pads and panties everywhere. Meaning that, well, Menstruation is Murder.

But my question is, what about the little sperms? They’re fucking adorable (way cuter than eggs), clearly alive (until they are cruelly wanked into oblivion), and completely innocent in their host’s perverted, self-indulgent proclivities. Do they not deserve life? Should they not be spared? Must they be slaughtered for your own selfish pleasures?

What about them?

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19 comments for “I think it’s about time we started protecting the innocent, adorable spermies

  1. Caja
    November 15, 2007 at 10:45 am

    Oh, Colorado – such great landscape, such wonderful sun, and /so many/ friggin’ kooks. Some things I will not miss when I move.

    This phrase – “cruelly wanked into oblivion” – I’m going to have to find a way to work that into conversation, because it is that awesome.

  2. mom
    November 15, 2007 at 10:53 am

    This is great. I love it.

  3. November 15, 2007 at 12:12 pm

    If spermatozoa are declared legal persons, does that mean I can use the carpool lane whenever I want?

  4. MikeEss
    November 15, 2007 at 12:19 pm

    “If spermatozoa are declared legal persons, does that mean I can use the carpool lane whenever I want?”

    Only if you’re willing to stand trial for the deaths of all the sperm that didn’t make it to full humanity…

  5. preying mantis
    November 15, 2007 at 12:20 pm

    I’m reasonably sure that a court ruled against a woman who argued that she shouldn’t have been fined for using the carpool lane because she was pregnant, and if the fetus was an independent human with full personal rights, then, you know…two people, right? So the sperm defense probably wouldn’t fly, either.

  6. TinaH
    November 15, 2007 at 12:20 pm

    All together now:

    Every sperm is sacred!
    Every sperm is great.
    If a sperm is wasted,
    God gets quite irate.

    Everybody SING!

  7. SunlessNick
    November 15, 2007 at 12:37 pm

    If sperm are people, does that mean that a man is an unlawful gathering and can be moved on by the police?

  8. Anatolia
    November 15, 2007 at 2:24 pm

    Did anyone ask the sperm how they feel about this arrangement? Imprisoned by selfish men, in a state of perpetual slavery. Subject to such indignities as overcrowded living conditions and occasional temperature extremes caused by late-night drunken lighting of flatulence emissions afire in close proximity to their squalid living quarters. [Don’t argue; I can post the videos.] Who will speak for the sperm? Who among us is brave enough to stand tall and release their prisoners to a soft tissue and brave new world? Why, oh why, (shakes fist) do we allow the clipping of their spiritual wings? Should we not be demanding they be allowed to fly, if only for a moment to know the sweet joy of freedom? The only question remaining to my mind is if we provide them all complimentary bootstraps upon their release. Perhaps in a nice shade of puce?

  9. November 15, 2007 at 4:33 pm

    I just want to know what the protest is going to be like.

  10. November 15, 2007 at 5:22 pm
  11. Medicine Man
    November 15, 2007 at 5:41 pm


    I think I love Jill’s brain btw — cruelly wanked into oblivion indeed. :)

  12. November 15, 2007 at 7:29 pm

    Great. I was going to use “Wanked Into Oblivion” as the title of my next album — standards and torch songs, in case you were interested — but now you’ve taken it. The fuck am I supposed to do now?

  13. PG
    November 15, 2007 at 9:24 pm

    Since the spokeswoman for “Colorado for Equal Rights” claims that the constitutional amendment wouldn’t affect abortion or birth control, maybe it’s really a way to shut down assisted reproductive clinics. Can you imagine the pressure of carrying a tray of embryos, knowing that if you dropped it you’d have killed a half-dozen people in one go? (Never mind that you probably have another tray of equally good embryos for the couple getting them implanted, as such clinics always create several more embryos than necessary just in case.) You’d be a murderer!

  14. November 15, 2007 at 11:41 pm

    Anatolia, I love you.

  15. November 16, 2007 at 3:44 am

    The anti-choicers have now gone way too far. This propsed amendment is a way for anti-choicers to run good OB/GYNs out of business.

    I remember Ellie Smeal saying that hte 2006 South Dakota abortion ban was going to define life at the ‘point of fertilization’. All anti-choice amendments clearly define life ‘at fertilization’, not conception as the anti-choice thugs claim. This is why we need to inform our Colorado sisters about this atrocious amendment and have them defeat it on November 4, 2008.

  16. meggygurl
    November 16, 2007 at 12:12 pm

    As fun as it is to think one day we would live in a world where our reproductive CELLS were at least on equal grounds, let’s face it, the day that make killing sperm illegal, the world would implode! 96% of all men would be murders! And oh gods, what about wet dreams. Killing in your sleep with out even knowing it!

    See, more anti-choicers should realize that there is a perfect alternative to abstence that can help prevent unwanted pregnancies. Homosexuality!

    Lesbianism prevents abortion! Go girl on girl for Jesus!

  17. November 16, 2007 at 12:35 pm

    The Colorado ballot needs 76,000 signatures. This (hopefully) will never see the light of day.

    The anti-choice movement wants to change the legal definition of when life begins. If they got want they wanted, there would be no way to prosecute women menstruating. How would law enforcement even know when a woman is menstruating.

    Murder is a premeditative crime. A woman would not know if she has released a fertilized egg. If an anti-choice prosecutor attempted to conflicted a woman for menstruation it get quickly quickly thrown out of court. The harder the anti-choice movement pushes (South Dakota, Terri Schiavo) the bigger their defeat.

  18. House of Mayhem
    November 16, 2007 at 1:49 pm

    Ron English rocks!

  19. November 16, 2007 at 4:18 pm

    I’m waiting for Mike Huckabee to declare that masturbation is a holocaust on sperm.

Comments are closed.