I want to have sex with other people because most of what turns me on is having sex with new people – or in new ways, and my partner is not the least bit kinky.

Well, I’ll allow that there may be some exceptions, as in your case (though I wonder if you could get your partner to be kinkier if you would still feel that way), but for the most part I believe cheating is still as a result of relationship problems, not sex. Poor communication in the bedroom still counts as poor communication.

(And it’s hard; I feel terrible for being attracted to other people and don’t know how to “fix” our sex life)

You need to have an open relationship, which unfortunately means you probably can’t stay with your current partner, because it sounds like he wants a monogamous relationship.

Sucks, but life is like that sometimes, and why make him miserable over something you can’t change about yourself? Find someone who doesn’t mind having an open relationship.

I want to have sex with other people because most of what turns me on is having sex with new people – or in new ways, and my partner is not the least bit kinky. I cheated when I was overseas, and he forgave me. I will not do it again. But that does not mean I do not want to have sex with other people! (And it’s hard; I feel terrible for being attracted to other people and don’t know how to “fix” our sex life)

Dana,

I’m basically the same way. I am fully capable of a monogamous relationship, but I really don’t believe I am monogamous. BUT, instead of cheating, I’m just open and honest with my partners, as they are with me. I really don’t understand the thought-process behind being involved with someone that you can’t be yourself with. So much suffering could be avoided if people would just be honest with themselves and each other.

Umm… any good sex therapist would explain that problems in the bedroom are just the tip of the iceberg. People don’t cheat because their sex life sucks. They cheat because they aren’t communicating, they’re not in love anymore, they’re unhappy at work/home/etc.

Look, I disagree. I posted something similar on Feministing but I can’t resist doing it again – I love my partner, he’s great in bed, we enjoy each other’s company… Our sex life has lapsed terribly since we have too many animals and work too many hours but for the first few years we had a lot of fantastic sex.

I want to have sex with other people because most of what turns me on is having sex with new people – or in new ways, and my partner is not the least bit kinky. I cheated when I was overseas, and he forgave me. I will not do it again. But that does not mean I do not want to have sex with other people! (And it’s hard; I feel terrible for being attracted to other people and don’t know how to “fix” our sex life)

Obviously long-term cheating shows a complete lack of respect for your partner and/or cowardice on your part.

Not sure all the posters here are aware just how tough it is to stay physically excited with the same person for 20 or 30 years…)

I’ll be married twenty years this April.

So, while I’d be devastated if she strayed, I would understand it intellectually.

I’m not sure what you mean by “understand it intellectually.” Of course I “understand intellectually” why people stray, in terms of seeing what they get out of it. I just think it’s sleazy.

Would you blame her the same way you would blame a man (as all the discussion is about so far) ?

Absolutely. And I deserve to be blamed if I do it to my husband. Regardless of what he is or isn’t doing with me in bed.

how can you say your partner has an obligation to be faithful (i.e. do something for your happiness) while rejecting any obligation to keep your partner happy on your part?

Because we all have an obligation to be truthful and keep our promises. Because, if your marriage isn’t working for you, you at least have a moral obligation to be open and above board about what you intend to do about the fact that it isn’t working for you, so that your partner, in turn, can have all the information she needs to decide that, say, the fact that you’re off barebacking multiple prostitutes is a dealbreaker for her.

One person wants some sexual act that the other one doesn’t want to partake of? Open negotiation? One person goes off and gets that sex act from other people without telling the other he’s not being faithful as agreed? Not so much. It’s not that hard a moral distinction to make.

Fascinating how she just quietly disassociated, after all the self-righteous noise over the conversion. Again, thanks so much for the link!

http://blog.cleveland.com/lifestyles/2008/03/spitzer_has_one_more_apology_t.html

Perpetuating the myth that men cheat because their wives weren’t providing (or vice versa) only excuses the abuser and doesn’t seek to solve the problem by creating and cultivating a healthy relationship.

And if there is some sort of fetish, there are LOADS of ways to work around and up to a fetish. The important part, again, is communication and understanding. Maybe your fetish won’t be fulfilled to its extent, but you can always indulge in fantasy (in this case, compromise is key).

If you have a fetish for expensive prostitutes and won’t settle for less, don’t f*ing get married, damnit.

Again…

Cheating: IT’S NOT ABOUT THE SEX.