Speaking of Andrew Sullivan–I’ll stop soon, I promise–I found this post linked off his blog. I don’t have time for any real response to it now, and I’m sorry for that, especially since it’s off Sarah’s long and conscientious piece at Shakesville, but this comment just kind of jumped out at me:
Me: gay, 27, just out of grad school.
In my experience, most self-described bisexual men are totally in denial about being gay. I, too, have fallen in love with one of them, and that experienced proved more damaging and traumatic than any experience with a gay guy.
I have one militant bi friend, however, who adamantly clings to his bisexual identity despite not having been with a woman in several years (also for as long as I’ve known him) AND admitting that “women just don’t like me.” I’m a psychologist, so I’m inclined to label that statement as his subconscious saying “I just don’t like women.” So despite exclusively dating and fucking men for several years, he still is, in his mind, “bi.” Weird.
Either way, “authentic” bisexuals are left in a quandary should they enter a monogamous relationship. I don’t see how an “authentic” bisexual could ever be happy married to one person, unless the partner was down with some serious threeway action or didn’t mind her husband fucking men on the side. There are some women out there who get off watching their husband suck off another dude, but not many, and threeways usually destroy relationships over time.
I am shy, and I do tend to dress like someone who expects to get paint all over her clothes at some point in the day, but…I do not understand this argument. I hear it a lot. Where is all this sex that we’re supposed to be having? Why have I not seen the benefit of these increased odds? Why aren’t all my bi-identified friends living lives of idle cheatin’, as opposed to the durable partnerships they seem to commit themselves to? Are we some sort of aberration?
Maybe they lie to me about their proclivities because they think I would judge them or become jealous. Maybe they laugh at me behind my back.
And maybe I’m wrong to say that this argument makes exactly as much sense as the belief that your gay coworker will attempt to hump your leg in the men’s room because, after all, you have a penis.
It’s certainly not part of most bisexual people’s “authentic” identity that to be whole, they must have sex with at least one person of both genders.
For that matter, there are bi men and women who’re in relationships with people of the opposite gender identity.
Three cheers for ignorance!
That was actually one of the first things my mother said to me when I came out to her as bisexual – “How will you ever be happy in a relationship with just one person?” My witty repartee, along the lines of “do you feel the need to start relationships with other men just because you’re heterosexual?” didn’t have quite the intended effect, unfortunately; we bisexuals, you see, are just different, and we are apparently always fishing for new partners/lovers/fuckbuddies/etc.
I mean, I’m happily polyamorous (and that’s tough to explain to people too, especially since I’m only physically involved with my beau at this point), but that doesn’t mean we all are.
I don’t understand what’s so hard to believe about “attracted to both” that is somehow different from the way desire works in monosexuals. Sigh.
I have to second Sara up there. I’ve heard this argument about both gays and bisexuals over the years, and I just don’t understand it. Because someone has different sexual proclivities doesn’t mean that they are incapable of resisting temptation while in a committed relationship. If a heterosexual person can be monogamous, so can someone gay or bisexual.
As a bisexual woman I have nothing else to add but…word. You said it. We still have to fight the good fight against bisexual stereotypes and misconceptions.
it seems to me that this argument ties right in to the argument that a monogamous relationship is the only context where sex is appropriate. of course being attracted to more than one man doesn’t pose any problem for a female heterosexual – choosing a husband is a natural next step after choosing men, and restricting yourself to one [with the assumption being 'for the rest of your life', no matter how unrealistic in any relationship regardless of each participant's gender] doesn’t change your sexuality. but if you are bisexual, then choosing a life partner means picking either men or women, and thus admitting a preference for one or the other. if your mom, sara, didn’t feel like eventually you’d pick one person (either male or female), then it wouldn’t seem problematic to her. but since it’s assumed that what we all want is to eventually end up in a monogamous relationship for ever and ever, bisexuality is problematic.
does that make any sense?
just to be clear – in no way do i feel like the standard of monogamy is appropriately imposed on anyone, nor do i think that bisexual individuals can’t be in happy monogamous relationships and still be bisexual. it just seems to me that monogamy-centric thinking is where skepticism of bisexuality arises.
I have nothing to prove to these idiots, but I will say that this attitude is why I’d rather have relationships with bi men than with gay men. Too many gay men think bisexual is just another word for fooling myself.
If these gay men have never hooked up with a bi man who’s remained bi, perhaps the problem is that they’re just not attractive to “authentic” (bleah) bi men. Honestly, gay men intimidate me a bit, and this is one reason why. Why should I risk being insulted like that? There are plenty of hot bi men out there for me.
I second everything y’all have said.
I’m in my mid-twenties and have yet to be in a sexually active relationship. But I’ve known since my teens that my sexual attractions are more about particular people than a particular gender. I most likely will eventually settle into a monogamous, long-term relationship with someone–man or woman–but that’s not going to change the way my sexual identity and sexual attraction work. Whomever I choose to have a sexual relationship with, and make commitments to, is related to (of course) but independent from my sexual identity as an individual!
Gah…
I hear comments like this all the time, and they frustrate the sh*t out of me! As a bisexual woman who is in a committed relationship with a man, I find it really difficult not to become criminally violent when people question my sexuality. Must I be having sex with men and women at the same time to remain attracted to both sexes? I don’t think so.
If I am straight just because I happen to be with a man right now, does that mean I will be asexual if I am not having sex with anyone? Or gay if I’m with a woman? People need to realize that sexuality is not something that is defined by practice alone.
Most people put a lot of weight on what people do, versus what they say or claim to think. Attraction is a psychological characteristic, sex is a physical action. In other words: I don’t know what you think, and I can’t be sure that you’re being honest & true, but I can see who you’re making out with!
Now, the real flaw in this reasonsing is that it assumes an inherent lack of trust. I can’t trust you to communicate honestly with me about your attractions, and I be sure you’re even being honest with yourself about your attractions; I can only draw conclusions based on your past behavior. Woman marries a dude? She’s straight. Woman hooks up with another woman for five years and counting? She’s gay.
That’s the short version. I’m not even going to go into the whole ‘bi-sexual prejudice by gays & lesbians’ or the terrible double-standard for men & women when it comes to bi-sexuality. (quick preview though: man marries a woman? He’s straight. May gets caught looking at gay porn? He’s gay and closeted. Married woman gets caught looking at gay porn? She’s straight, but “curious”…. blargh.)
I like to think of it like being a vegetarian. Sure, I like meat, but because I have reasonable moral and nutritional objections to eating it, I choose not to. People come to me with the same objections about bisexual monogamy as with not eating meat: if you like something, if you want it, how can you not? The answer is the same: because this is what I choose for myself, and what makes me (and of course my partner) happy.
Yep – as I explained to my mother a while back – my bisexuality wasn’t a phase, it’s just that I got married so I’m not really fucking anyone but him these days.
I agree with Kate. I don’t know why people can’t conceive of people being attracted to members of two sexes, but maintaining a relationship with one person! Personally speaking, all of my long-term relationships are with INDIVIDUALS, not with sexual organs. Furthermore, just because you like people of multiple hair colors doesn’t mean you cannot be satisfied pairing yourself with one blonde.
Plus, any time people use the term “authentic” in relation to others’ self-identification just stinks of deliberate misunderstanding, to me.
The analogy I generally throw out there to try to help people get it is hair color. Plenty of people find both blondes and brunettes attractive, but they don’t need one of each to be happy.
Of course this is complicated by the fact that I have known other bisexuals who genuinely couldn’t be happy with just one partner. In my experience there are two general types of bisexuals: those who are attracted to people regardless of sex, and those who are attracted to men and to women, but in different ways. I would imagine that people who don’t get it have either only met the first type, or are having trouble imagining the possibility of romantic interactions in which gender just isn’t important.
I have nothing to prove to these idiots, but I will say that this attitude is why I’d rather have relationships with bi men than with gay men. Too many gay men think bisexual is just another word for fooling myself.
If these gay men have never hooked up with a bi man who’s remained bi, perhaps the problem is that they’re just not attractive to “authentic” (bleah) bi men. Honestly, gay men intimidate me a bit, and this is one reason why. Why should I risk being insulted like that? There are plenty of hot bi men out there for me.
i GET this.
it’s also the reason i tend to date queer women instead of straight ones. i’m 27 and i’ve got a pretty good clue what my orientation is; i don’t like being told that i’m in the waiting room.
i’m also a little irrationally cheesed at michael stipe for just this reason. you were already out as queer, dogg! why you gotta come out again and make it sound like that coming-out was just a dodge?
I’m about as straight as it gets, but even I see this statement as ridiculous. Just because I’m straight doesn’t mean that I’m not attracted to anyone besides my husband. I choose not to act on those attractions because I made a promise to him to be monogamous. He made the same promise to me, so I assume (because I trust him) that he also doesn’t act on his attractions to other women.
I also assume that this works the same way with bi and gay people. You don’t stop being attracted to whoever you’re attracted to, but if you make a promise of monogamy, you stick to it because you love your partner and are inclined to keep your word. I just don’t see how being gay or bi makes it any different.
And this is not to say that monogamy is the only valid way to have a relationship. But if that’s what you promise to do, then that’s what you should do.
The way I see it, I can be attracted to guys with brown eyes and guys with blue eyes. Just because my boyfriend has brown eyes, doesn’t mean I’m going to cheat with a blue eyed guy.
It’s a preference (biological or social – who cares) and just because you’re attractions aren’t limited to one sex or another doesn’t mean that you have to be boffing everyone. You just have a bigger pool from which to find “The One”.
KATE @ 9:
I’m delurking to say WORD WORD MC WORDY. thank you for saying it better than I could.
yeah, all I’ve got to say is actually from an advice columnist either prudie from slate or miss manners, I don’t remember but it applies “being bisexual might mean you’ll date both sexes, being in a committed relationship means not at the same time” why is this so hard?
Hmm, I’m gonna disagree here. I think fear of bisexuality stems from the same xenophobia that engenders fear of homosexuality, and people who are using the arguments mentioned above are arguing using that mindset.
The underlying assumption here is that homosexuality and bisexuality are deviant lifestyles, and so people practicing either are more open to other deviancies and less likely to deal with a non-deviant monogamous relationship. Examples of this thinking are all over the place- the fear of a gay man in a locker room, the conflation of homosexuality with bestiality and pedophilia and all sorts of other sordid, nasty assumptions. So when someone asks you how you could ever be happy in a monogamous relationship, the underlying assumption is probably “you’re not straight, so you can’t keep your pants on and be happy,” since infidelity is your natural inclination anyway, according to that line of thinking.
Huh. I have 3 friends (names changed): Amanda, Jason, and Bryan. Amanda and Jason have been married for over 7 years. Jason and Bryan dated before and during the early part of Amanda and Jason’s marriage, but then moved back to Texas where his family lives. Last year, Bryan moved back to our state, and has since moved in and all three of them have bought a house together. Jason is TRULY bisexual. He is in fact the only bisexual man I’ve met, but he really is bisexual. Bryan is gay but open to sex with Amanda and I’m sure they’ve all had threesomes, though he prefers men.
It’s an odd group, sure, but they are the happiest couple (threesome?) I’ve encountered. For serious.
Bisexual men DO exist.
Argh. I hate this, too.
For a while, I was getting this more often from lesbians than I was from my family/other random straight folk/etc. I think it’s subtly tied into the fact that in some parts of the gay community, people who sleep with (or are attracted to) people of the opposite* sex are seen as traitors. We can “pass” as straight (if we’re in a straight relationship), so obviously we aren’t as oppressed or marginalized as them and don’t deserve to be part of their community. ::coughcough::
Luckily, I found a kick-ass genderqueer girlfriend who totally gets it. And despite the fact that I’ve been in a monogomous relationship with her for 2 years, she totally accepts the fact that I’m still occasionally attracted to cismen and defends my bi/queer identity. :)
* I totally don’t subscribe to the concept of maleness and femaleness being opposites, or the only options. However, I think that’s probably another rant for another time…
Not really. As a bisexual woman, I’m just as limited as many other people – There are a lot of people, especially guys, that are NOT accepting of queerness (except in the “i’m in a bar, and there’s a hot guy, so I’m going to make out with my best friend” sense.) A lot of gay women won’t accept bi women, either.
When I try and explain that I have totally separate relationships with men and women, that I like both and that they don’t mix, I confuse a lot of straight men. I have, however, met a few “true bi” (I don’t want to discount anyone else, but using my own definition) women that really get it, but it’s still a gay relationship, that does exclude men.
Magikmama, I had a similar experience with my folks. A cousin asked if I was still bisexual. My mother said no. I looked over at her and said, “What? I quit paying dues and they take me off the mailing list? Yes, I still find both genders attractive, I just happened to marry a man.”
Gah!
There are plenty of bisexuals who “pass” in the queer community, either because they’re in denial (actual quote: “I’m a lesbian, but every once in a while I gotta take a walk on the wild side”) or because it’s simply easier. Why invite Sullivan-type pinheadedness by saying um, I’m actually bi?
but if you are bisexual, then choosing a life partner means picking either men or women
But. What? No, it doesn’t. I know you’re just trying to illuminate that messed-up mindset, but this doesn’t help make sense of it, because that’s so obviously not true. If you pick “men,” or “women,” that means you haven’t picked a monogamous life partner.
By what definition is this not a description of bisexuality? I do support self-labeling, but this label doesn’t make sense. Does he just call himself gay rather than bisexual as a matter of cultural affiliation, since he’s apparently not gay in the sense of only wanting to sleep with men? I could understand that.
I have no patience with the “everybody’s a little bit bisexual” BS, because everybody is obviously not, but if you sleep with men and you’re willing to sleep with a woman, that’s a pretty big clue right there. Bisexual isn’t like the SATs; you don’t have to hit a pre-determined score to get into “TRUE” bisexuality. All you have to do is want to sex up at least one man and at least one woman.
It is annoying. The fallacy is that for non-bisexuals, all members of the desired sex are the same, that if Straight Jane is monogamously coupled with Straight Joe, then Joe has all the properties of any man she might desire. It’s not so. Bisexuals have diverse objects of desire, but so do other people, who may like both blondes & brunettes, both short ones & tall ones, both shy ones with paint on their clothes & loud ones in sequins & boas.
Gah! Most of the comments on that thread were highly stupid and annoying. But those studies are a dead horse for me.
I used to think that everyone was bisexual to some extent, but I’ve met so many people who don’t even believe in bisexuality that it’s convinced me otherwise. It must be just as hard for monosexuals to imagine what bisexuality is like as it is for me to imagine monosexuality. So now I just believe people when they tell me their sexuality. I figure they know better than I do.
but if you sleep with men and you’re willing to sleep with a woman, that’s a pretty big clue right there.
I don’t know. What if he’s only open to sex with Amanda because the only way he gets to have sex with Jason is as part of a threesome, or if he knows it turns Jason on to watch, or if it’s the only way to preserve their arrangement? Just because he’s open to sex with her doesn’t mean he’s attracted to her in the same sense he’s attracted to men.
I think, also, that the conflation of bisexual desire with an inability to be monogamous also rests on the assumption that women and men are so completely different (like mars and venus!) that your sexual desires could never be fully satisfied by a single person if you were attracted to both same-sex and other-sex people. People imagine there would be this indefinable essence that the other-sex or the same-sex people had for you (as the bi person) that your partner, poor thing, who’s only one or the other, could never satisfy.
Basically an exaggerated version of the examples above. And our framework of oppositional gender feeds the assumption big time.
This is more related to the Shakesville post but…
The statement that bisexual women tend to end up with men seems to be a somewhat fair observation. It seems to me that gay/lesbian relationships are under more stress than straight relationships, from smaller dating pool to the reactions of the families. Ending up in a straight relationship just seems to be the path of least resistance as people float through life. Not to say that bisexuals are weak-willed, just that there can be a lot more difficulties in pursuing same-sex relationships and that if you’re in the business of pursuing both you’re more likely to end up in heterosexual relationships.
Is that biphobic? What about homophobic?
I can understand why there is some hostility towards bi’s in the gay community. It’s similar (but obviously, not the same) as anger towards light skin black people who can “pass” as white. That doesn’t mean that I think it’s a good or true thing, but I can understand it. Of course, that doesn’t make me feel much better when a girl who I thought was a friend called me a “false bisexual” when I told her I wasn’t interested in HER, even though she was a lesbian. It’s hard to deal with when people tell me I should just self-identify as straight because I’m married now, and I didn’t have that many lesbian encounters before going into monogomy. And it doesn’t make me feel like less of a coward for “passing” as straight; such as never coming out to my parents about bisexuality, and still afraid to.
I didn’t notice this till kryrinn pointed this out, but I do not, as a bisexual woman, have a bigger pool. Let’s say, for sake of argument, that 45% of the population is straight men, 45% is straight women, and 5% are men willing to/exclusively sleeping with men, and 5% are women willing to/exclusive with women. In theory, a straight female friend of mine has a 45% chance of finding someone to hook up with (maybe 47% adding in the bisexual men), and I have a 50% chance. However, do keep in mind that straights and lesbians alike have a high chance of having biphobia or queerphobia. Consider how many people have voted in recent elections to disallow statewide gay marriage. Do you really think those people are going to date me? Plenty of gay women think bisexuals are going to leave them for men, irrationally. Do you think they would date me?
Now, my straight friend and I have all the same other bridges to cross in finding a hook up/partner/ whatever- lifestyles, jobs, location, age, political beliefs, spiritual beliefs, all the usual things that are going to fuck up potential relationships. However, while she may personally choose not to date a man who is homophobic, she could still be a candidate for him- I am not even in the running. And keep in mind that because of closets- not everyone lives in a big city- I have a much harder time finding a female partner, and if I do find one our lives are going to be harder due to discrimination.
This is why it pisses me off immeasurably when a feminist blog reports something- say, the number of women in man/woman relationships who are victims of domestic violence is going up, or that Maxim readers think “gray rape” is awesome- and dozens of posters reply that they wish they were lesbians. No, you don’t, stop that.
Nail meet head. I’m pretty sure that’s exactly my mom’s thought on the matter (compounded by my polyamorous identity) but it’s … well, “not like that” is a little hard to argue if you’re talking about someone who has trouble separating desire from practice, but it’s not like that. Especially for someone like me, for whom gender is less relevant than personality and awesomeness.
I also struggled for a long time (maybe still?) with feeling presumptuous actually naming myself “bi” when I hadn’t been in any relationships with women. I hadn’t been in any relationships with men either, but it was way easier to just stay quiet about my sexual attractions and avoid labeling–which of course means you get read as “straight” by most people, since that’s the default. I was/am afraid of being accused of just being confused about my own desires–and in the absence of a relationship, I wasn’t going to have “proof” to show people.
I’ve been reading Lisa Diamond’s new book, Sexual Fluidity which is giving me some really good conceptual frameworks for how to think and talk about different kinds of attractions and the ways that they interact to form love relationships and sexual identities. It’s helped me explain some of this stuff better to my friends and relatives. I like that she’s encouraging us to move away from a model of sexual orientation that emphasizes so heavily physiological lust as the only “valid” way of guaging someone’s sexual desires.
Then…that would border on manipulation, if not coercion and would be ultra-creepy. That is not what I had in mind when I read the post, and if that is the situation, no, he is clearly not bisexual (which is why the definition I use considers only desire, not action.)
I assumed that being “open” to sex with someone means that you find them reasonably though not overwhelmingly attractive, and you expect to have a fairly pleasurable time with them if you ever do it. If that assumption is wrong, my conclusion’s wrong too.
I think, also, that the conflation of bisexual desire with an inability to be monogamous also rests on the assumption that women and men are so completely different (like mars and venus!) that your sexual desires could never be fully satisfied by a single person if you were attracted to both same-sex and other-sex people.
Which, among other things, projects a non-bisexual sensibility onto bisexuals. You don’t have to be insensitive to differences between men & women for them not to determine whether or how much you’re attracted to any given person. Other things may matter more, make people seem more completely different. Put differently, the within-sex variation in people’s desirability may be greater than between-sex differences in desirability. Man A may seem more completely different from Man B than he does from Woman C. For people who classify others as desirable or undesirable based first of all on the basis of sex, men & women will seem completely different in a way they might not to bisexuals.
In a world dominated by monogamous bisexuals, monosexuals who were attracted to diverse types of a single sex would, even if they lived like novitiates, presumably be widely regarded the way bisexuals often are now, as paradigmatic superfreaks.
Um, where are you speaking of Andrew Sullivan? Because this post seems to be the only mention you’ve made of him.
Um, where are you speaking of Andrew Sullivan? Because this post seems to be the only mention you’ve made of him.
This post follows by less that a day one (“Iran’s Multipurpose Transsexuals”) that comments on a statement by Sullivan.
http://www.feministe.us/blog/archives/2008/03/18/irans-multipurpose-transsexuals/
ks and Karna have GOT IT DOWN. Couldn’t have worded it more succintly.
It’s an absurd argument that Sullivan is making; why am I not surprised? To me, it’s just as valid as someone saying they like blonds and brunettes, so they need to always be having sex, or at least involved, with one of each.
The whole assumption rests on the fact that a bi-sexual person could never be satisfied by having intercourse or a relationship with one sex/gender, which, really, is ridiculous. If you go by that analogy, how could anyone ever be satisfied by sex with one person, regardless of their sex/gender? It’s the whole Chasing Amy thing, really. You find a person, and they’re it for you, regardless of their sex/gender. But people can’t look at it like that because all they see bi-sexual people as is greedy and purely sexual. Bi-sexuality isn’t just about sexual interaction, it’s about finding a companion, experiencing passion, and enjoying intimacy (Sternberg, anyone?) – just like any other relationship.
*sigh* They never learn.
What bugs me is that a gay person who’s had to go through the whole coming out process should understand the basic concept that whatever you feel is your sexuality is what people should accept it as. That’s just basic respect, to not assume you know someone’s personality better than they do. If someone asks you to call them by a different pronoun, you respect their wishes. If someone who has never dated ANYONE, male or female, comes out as gay, you respect their self description. This is no different. Even if you think it’s odd that your bi friend has stuck to one gender for a few years, as long as he calls himself bi that’s what you call him.
What’s the point of throwing off the shackles of the heteronormative paradigm if you’re just going to weld yourself a new set in a more fabulous colour?
(ps: I know what you mean! When people ask about my sexuality, I just say I’m equal opportunity awkward. I have the amazing capacity to stutter nervously at hot people regardless of what is in their pants! Bizarre, I know.)
It has actually been awhile since I’ve seen Piny here. How’re you doing? Where have you been?
It’s also a little weird the way he takes “women don’t want to sleep with me” (what I assume, in context, is meant by “women don’t like me”) as automatically meaning “I don’t want to sleep with women.” As if there were no straight men ever, anywhere, who had difficulty getting laid.
And, on bisexuality drastically increasing your shots at finding someone? Even aside from the fact that most of the same-sex people you’d find attractive would be straight, and many others might not want to sleep with someone who’s bisexual, there’s the fact that “finding at least some people of each sex attractive” isn’t at all the same thing as not being choosy in other ways.
Plus, of course, what everyone else has already said about monogamy not depending on never being attracted to anyone else.
Sure, if nothing else, often more men than women reciprocate your interest.
Well, since dropping out of beauty school, I’ve been travelling and painting, mostly. Right now I’m getting ready for another trip. I hung an art show in a cafe last week. I don’t have a desk job at the moment, or a personal internet connection, so it’s harder to blog. And artwork keeps me really busy. That’s about it.
Yup.
Of course, the biggest problem with apocrypha is that they’re unverifiable.
I wondered if he’s not conventionally masculine such that people assume he’s not interested in women. I know a few straight men who are frequently read as gay, and it’s, well, really inconvenient and annoying for them. Also, if he hangs out with gay men and his last few partners have been gay men, he could be bisexual by inclination but gay by calling circle. Maybe Chris would see these as paltry excuses, but they can affect your odds.
This kind of thing is one of my big “stupid tests” to determine whether people are clueless about sexuality. It’s also why a lot of the bisexual people I know just use the word “queer” instead — less idiots saying dumb things. Kind of too bad for the word “bisexual” I suppose, but it’s just a word, and words don’t have feelings.
Did you ever notice how:
a) bisexual men are presumed to be in denial — they’re actually gay and really want to sleep with men;
b) bisexual women are presumed to be in denial — they’re actually straight and really want to sleep with men.
Apparently, all bisexuals ACTUALLY want to sleep with men. Coincidence? Or HAND OF TEH PATRIARCHAY?
Heh. Twisty would probably say that there are no coincidences under patriarchy.
Well, or it could be a tendency to see the girl gay as less contaminating? Tomboy vs. sissy, in other words. I know what you’re talking about, but I’m not sure what the explanation is.
That’s an interesting point. Might also make it easier to elide–and for non-bisexuals, ignore–fluctuating sexual orientations. Or sexual orientations with common threads that are perhaps related to but not the same as gender.
It reminds me of Judy Carter’s riff on masking gay love life: “Pronouns make it hard to keep our sexual orientation a secret when our co-workers ask us about our weekend. “I had a great time with… them.” Great! Now they don’t think you’re queer – just a big slut!”
I am sick and tired of how society says it’s ok for a woman to be bi but that a man must be either gay or straight. Don’t you people realize that this double standard is playing into the hands of sleazy straight guys and their female enablers? You need to wake up to the fact that there is a huge amount of discrimination against bisexual men as practised by sleazy straight guys and their female enablers. I’m sick of them saying bi females are hot and bi men either don’t exist or are in denial about being gay.
Bi men are here and they’re hot – so get used to it.
So many people think it’s a universal right that they—as members of some larger majority—get to define other people’s sexual orientation and/or sexual identity for them. In this case, it’s a member of the lesbian/gay community trying to define bisexuality out of existence. In the case of trans people, it’s cissexual people defining trans people’s gender identities out of existence.
Can’t we all agree that folks have a right to define themselves for themselves and that busybodies should stay the heck out of other people’s business? Wouldn’t life be a little bit easier for all concerned if this were so? You’d think that someone who is gay might understand that, given the history of straight people trying to define queer people as non-existent, deviant, or sexually confused.
Very cool. I’m glad things are interesting in Pinysville atm. You take care.
Stereotypes like this are one of the reasons I reject the term “bisexual” as a description for myself. I mean, to start of with the fact that for me, personally it isn’t “I am attracted to men and women” but rather that gender just… isn’t something that factors into my considerations when I find someone attractive.
I get tired of either having people assume I’m having sex with everyone all over the place any time any where, that I cheat on my partner, that I MUST therefore be up for threesomes and orgies or that I’m either “really” just straight or gay and either deluding myself or “pretending” in order to impress men, that I’ll come out “properly” eventually or that living with a man means I am straight now… etc
I do like the idea of simply describing myself as queer, but I dunno… it probably sounds stupid but I sometimes feel like I’m not *really* allowed to use it. Even though that’s just playing into all the shit I just listed. Bleh.
What about gay women who love watching gay male porn. Why do not people just believe that we are as we are, and not have to find a box to put others in?
STOP putting people in boxes!!!!!! Life is not like that!
It is your limited understanding and your limited imagiunation that makes you think that your incredibly simplistic world view. Think of mathematics and fractals, think of sub atomic particles, think of space time, think of the variety of people you know.
Lastly if you cant figure out your own damn life why are you spending so effing much time figuring out someone elses.
I’m pretty damn tired of biphobia too. Annajcook says exactly what I think, though since I’m male please swap “man” and “woman” in the second quote:
And what Antigone says:
Word to everyone. Why is bisexuality so connected to SEX? Are homo- or hetero- people somehow more monogamous? Are the somehow more inherently happy when they have someone of the gender they prefer? And what, bi people CAN’T be satisfied without one from each? What a crock. A relationship is a relationship, no matter who with, and it is the individual’s choice to remain in the relationship, or not. Sexual preference has nothing to do with it.