Dear Coworkers,

I really, really don’t want to know what inspired this post. Thank you in advance.

or is it in the break room sink? eeeeew

You need to post a sign like this.

My wife does this too. It fascinates me…the toilet is RIGHT NEXT TO THE SINK. Is there some restriction upon hocking them in there?

Also, please do not spit you used chewing tobacco wads in the water fountain. This is unfortunately common here in Oklahoma.

PPS: And furthermore, stop wiping boogers on the bathroom walls.

Overenthusiastic public mastication is another too-prevalent phenom in some places. I refer, of course, to the act of chewing gum with one’s mouth open at any stage of the chewing cycle except when blowing bubbles ( preferably by someone who can actually do that with some skill. If you are going to blow a bubble, I want to see something really impressive. Otherwise, don’t bother.) When some people chew, it sounds like robots making love in a quagmire. Also, do not park said gum in the water fountain, the sink, the sidewalk others walk on or the bus seat where we might sit down.
I’ll quit bringing in the tuna, sardines, herring etc., about when you-all quit bringing in the hard-boiled eggs.
You who have the ability to burp loud enough to raise slumbering echoes, be advised that this talent is most appreciated when it is used sparingly and with exquisite timing, as well as awareness of when the people around you are in the proper boisterous mood to appreciate it.
Those on the night shift who spill unknown liquids on the table, please do not leave these for the arriving day crew to deal with. We face enough challenges.
Your parents taught you to flush. The mechanism involved has not gotten that much more complicated in the ensuing decades, and regular practice with it will keep your braincells young. Also, please note that if there is a second switch near the light-switch, it activates a marvelous machine with the power to speed the restoration of breathability to the bathroom atmosphere.
When items in the cooler mutate and begin to form new civilizations, they should be given their own territories off of company property.
Rats found in the rat traps–and any messes associated therewith–are the responsibility of the person who set the trap. Even if the cat finds them first.
Small animals brought in by the office cat are the responsibility of the party whose idea it was to get the cat. Particularly if they are alive, unhurt and scampering around.
People who let the cat outside forfeit the right to grieve when the cat disappears. It isn’t as if I hadn’t advised you to keep him inside, after the other cats we’ve lost.
Birds that fly into the shop and can’t find their way out are to be ignored; let Darwin sort them out–but if one ever craps in my toolbox again, I will test out [finish inventing] the little gadget of mine that turns the air-hose into a dartgun.
Refain from admitting or keeping irrelevant, irreverent, or risque email attachments in the workplace, unless I get to see them too.

At my last job — at a small non-profit where everyone had to pitch in and do whatever was needed — my duties including toilet scrubbing. You just don’t want to know that much about your boss. Really. Public bathrooms are a lot of things, but I have never since underrated the luxury of their anonymity.

PS: One of the home improvement projects on our list is to replace the sink in the kids batrhoom. Why? Because hucked-up loogies left to dry become a permanent bump on the surface.