Comments on: “Why did she stay?”

By: Feministe » Linguistics And Meaning Of “Why Did She Stay?”

Feministe » Linguistics And Meaning Of “Why Did She Stay?” — Mon, 14 Jul 2008 15:18:47 +0000

[...] response to Feministe: Why did she stay? which I commented on here there is a post Lottie Rambles on: Feminist language, where Lottie [...]

By: Brandon

Brandon — Sun, 13 Jul 2008 21:35:52 +0000

A lot of people have made the good point of questioning why we ask why the victim wasn’t “smarter” instead of asking why the abuser was abusive.

I think part of the issue is that there is a fear of really asking why abusers are the way they are – any answer other than “they’re just evil people” can sound dangerously close to being an apologist for abusers.

By: It may not have escaped your notice… « The Odd Blog

It may not have escaped your notice… « The Odd Blog — Sat, 12 Jul 2008 23:16:39 +0000

[...] when certain people (OK, me and Lottie) have said some things which were reasonable but unpopular. Many of the commenters over there seem to be suffering a raging case of the passive-aggressives, and apparently the administrators [...]

By: Feminist Language « Rambling On

Feminist Language « Rambling On — Sat, 12 Jul 2008 18:59:29 +0000

[...] validated in a variety of ways. The most recent, and perhaps final blow came when I read this post and subsequent comments at [...]

By: Margalis

Margalis — Sat, 12 Jul 2008 18:40:27 +0000

That said, reading through the original post just now, I found it a little disturbing the negative, and really quick, reactions to some of the comments. (And, these were the comments that Jill felt ok to leave in.)

This. Not just negative and quick but entirely content-free. I’m not sure why “FUCK YOU BLARGH BLARGH” is an appropriate comment.

I’m thinking of a certain person in particular, whose particpation in a thread nearly always marks its immediate decline, not just at Feministe but at a half-dozen sites.

It seems that if you pay melodramtic lip-service to feminist ideals you can get away with anything.

/derail

By: Rj

Rj — Sat, 12 Jul 2008 17:07:27 +0000

Like one of your previous commenters, I never considered myself a domestic violence victim until I was re-introduced to the concept almost 8 years later. I didn’t get into fist combat with my perpetrator, so I separated myself from the abused category. I am currently detailing my experiences on a newly created site randijames.com and am anticipating dealing with harsh comments in the future.

By: Daomadan

Daomadan — Sat, 12 Jul 2008 14:55:46 +0000

What abyss2hope said. Some of the “explanations” on this thread for why people are asking victim-blaming questions about why a woman stays, no matter your intentions, are not helping. We don’t allow these questions when talking about rape or other forms of abuse, so why do we fall into that trap when talking about DV? I was raised by a ball-busting mother who instilled in me that I am strong and should not take any crap or abuse from others. I’m an extremely intelligent woman and yet I found myself in an abusive relationship for 5 years. I still think any variation of “Why did she stay?” is victim-blaming and unhelpful. Once again the question should be: “What makes people treat others in this way?” I can’t remove myself from my experiences but I won’t apologize for being “too sensitive” when abuse has been my reality and is a part of my past. I really don’t care what your intentions are in trying to be helpful when asking questions about what I could have done to not get myself into an abusive situation…it’s still victim-blaming.

By: Marle

Marle — Sat, 12 Jul 2008 13:48:43 +0000

I’ve been having arguments with my best friend along these lines. See, she works in a day care, and a couple months ago a mother showed up with a restraining order and told them under no circumstances were they to let her kid go home with her ex (kid’s father). Well, apparently they’re back together, because now the mother is picking up the kid with the father with her, and I never seem to hear the end of it from my friend. What really gets to me is that she always talks about what a terrible mother the woman is, for putting her kid in danger by being around him. Finally, I pointed out to her that he’s a parent too, and wouldn’t he be a worse parent since he’s actually an abuser, as opposed to a parent who won’t/can’t/doesn’t know how to stop the abuse? Her response? They’re both bad, but one isn’t worse than the other. The irony? When she first found out about the restraining order, she said she wouldn’t enforce it because the guy’s the kid’s father and technically the restraining order was for the mom, not the kid. I don’t even know what to say to her anymore.

By: akeeyu

akeeyu — Sat, 12 Jul 2008 07:03:38 +0000

I wish I could remember the exact phrase. It was something like this:

“The question should never be ‘Why do so many women choose abusive men?’, the question SHOULD be ‘Why are there so many abusive men to choose from?’”

By: Pipkin

Pipkin — Sat, 12 Jul 2008 03:49:07 +0000

Thank you for shutting that down, Jill. The comments that are left up are very disturbing in the way they start to address Jana’s “role” in the ending of her life.