Yesterday, I received this personal email from a teenage girl looking for advice on how to cope with living in a family that discounts her because she’s female. I unfortunately did not have a lot of advice for her, so with her permission I’m posting it here in the hopes that you do:
I am a 14 year old girl with two older brothers. All my life I’ve been overpowered and treated like I can’t be as good as them because I’m a girl by both brothers and my dad. My mom has always accepted this as the “life of a woman”. I’ve tried to prove them wrong, getting straight A’s in school and making it to state swimming. Now, I’m just an overachiever. Of course I am, because I’m a girl. I want to fight, to prove them wrong, but they’re older, stronger, and better than me no matter what I do. I feel so angry and powerless. They laugh at me. “Women are weak.” I don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve almost given up. Please help me.
Did anyone else here grow up in a similar situation? How did you handle it?
THe best piece of advice that my grandmother ever gave me was don’t argue with crazy…Here is the thing, no matter how hard you work you will never get them to change their attitudes about women. The important thing is that you don’t believe the things they are telling you about women. I know that it is hard to live with this kind of negativity day in and day out. I know how damaging it is to your soul and self esteem. The good news is that you are 14 and in just a few more years you will be off to college and out in the world. Stay strong, this situation though harmful is only temporary, let it strengthen your resolve.
Got a favorite teacher, guidance counselor, coach, or aunt? Find strong women who will help counteract the poisonous messages you’re hearing at home.
(Like Renee said, you’re (sadly) not going to be able to change your family.)
All the best in getting through this rough time. We’re all pulling for you!
And keep proving them wrong, even if they don’t notice. It will make you strong and competent and some day they might be seeking you out for support.
I wanted to agree with all three previous posters, and I know it sounds silly but I also want to send you a hug.
There’s a book by Louise Fitzhugh, Nobody’s Family Is Going To Change, which I found useful when I was that age – it’s a straightforward recognition of the fact that your parents aren’t going to change their minds: that you have to change.
Not to quit being yourself – of course not. You are great. To realize that your parents have bigoted attitudes about what girls do and what boys do, and the definition of bigot is “Not going to change”.
At 14 I know that 18 seems very far away. But those four years can be lived through. It will help if you can get support and understanding from your friends – they may be going through something similiar. It will also help if your swimming coach and at least some of your teachers at school understand what you’re going through – they can’t go against your parents, and it wouldn’t be fair to expect them to, but they may understand better than you think about parents who “just naturally” think less of girls than boys. You’re a swimming champion and a straight-A student: you know they’re wrong, but just as importantly, your coach, the rest of your swimming team, and your teachers at school also know your parents are wrong. They may not be allowed to say so directly and keep their jobs, but they can and they likely will do a lot to support you as a champion swimmer and an excellent student if they know that your parents won’t do it.
Your parents are wrong. They’re bringing up your older brothers with those wrong beliefs. You do not have to argue with them. You can win through this situation by listening to whatever they have to say about girls with a polite smile on your face and without a word of public disagreement – and going on with whatever you plan to do with your life regardless of what they think about it.
Oh, and given their “women are weak” attitude, you should give whatever free tickets you get for your sports events to friends who will actually use them to support you, and if your parents ask why they weren’t invited, you can always tell them “Hey, girls are weak, right? I didn’t think you’d want to watch a bunch of girls swimming.”
Bless the internet, esp. sites like this one, and your access to it. Research–more for yourself, not so much for them–the ways that women are stronger than men; better endurance, more flexibility, and, Lynne Cox. Read feminist writings and maybe you can eventually, quietly, work on your mom, especially.
I worked part-time during school and full-time during summers from 14-18, knowing full well that when it came time to pay for college, I wouldn’t see any support from my family financially. Their lack of faith in my abilities and lack of emotional support was kind of crushing, but I had a lot of girlfriends whose families felt the same about them to varying degrees. Having your own college money in place gives you a lot of freedom to tune out their static, in addition to providing you the confidence of knowing that you made your own way.
Hey friend–I so know what you mean. I am 35 now, so it’s been a while since I was a teenager in a similar life. My stepfather was an alcoholic, my brother hated women, and my mom just threw up her hands in despair. She also used to tell me that I should “lower my expectations” with men. My stepfather used to tell me how stupid I was, despite the fact that I had straight A’s in school, and spent my time reading and writing. I was strong willed, but my mom always sent me out of the room when I wanted to fight. So, I decided to do my chores, spend only the amount of time at home that I absolutely had to, and get out whenever I could. I joined the school newspaper, student government, clubs, got an after school job. And when I was 18, I left for college and never moved back. It was so freeing for me to be out of that place. I worked throughout college, and always had an excuse to not go home. I love my mom, and eventually she divorced my stepdad, so I don’t have to see him anymore. In my college years and early 20s, I worked in domestic violence shelters and did sexual assault education, I advocated for women and became a strong feminist. I now have advanced degrees and am working on my PhD. For me, this is a good life. I have always been able to take care of myself financially, and that kept me out of family control. I don’t think that my life is your answer, or that I know the answer for you. I just want you to know, just like all the other folks who responded to your post, that life gets better when you can make your own choices. And I believe that the best way to make your own choices is to make your own money, get an education, and never look back. Don’t let the oppressiveness of your current situation weigh you down; brush it off and leave it at your front door when you leave your house each day. Try to channel your anger and frustration into something positive, like writing or blogging, art, activism, whatever. You cannot change your family, but they cannot control who you are inside. They may never understand you, but eventually they may become proud of your accomplishments. You do not have anything to prove to them, so spend your energies where they can do the most good. And I’ll give you a bit more of ol’ lady advice: no other person will ever make you happy; you have to do that all by yourself. Choose to be with people who will make you shine. Good luck, and my thoughts are with you.
All families are not like that. All guys are not like that. All *mothers* are not like that, thank god. I don’t have an answer, but she should know that she’s not alone in thinking that girls are not second class. Far, far, far from it.
One caveat: some girls are smarter, stronger, better than some guys. Some aren’t. It isn’t a competition between the genders, because you can always find a winner for ‘your side’. Its a competition between you and the best that you can be.
Accept no limits but the ones you choose for yourself.
I can tell you as someone who grew up under a family that liked to belittle me and my ability to fend for myself, it sucks ass and you can’t convince them to treat you better.
The best thing to do? Everything you do, everything you’re working so hard at — don’t do it for them. Do it for YOU.
Don’t do it to try to win their approval/recognition. Do it because it is a positive thing to do for yourself.
That is, of course, easier said than done. But at least if you have it as a goal in mind, you’re gonna get closer to it than if you didn’t.
The moment I finally started being happy with myself and my achievements was the moment when that clicked — that I was doing all these things to make MYSELF happy, rather than to try to appease my family. You can’t force people to treat you well. And when it’s your family, these people you love dearly, it’s hard to let go of that desire to make them happy with you. But for your own sake, you’ve gotta. Otherwise, you’re going to be miserable all your life, because no matter what you do, they’ll always find a way to dismiss it as insignificant.
Build a strong social support network outside your family. Make good friends, join good communities. Because it *is* important to have some sort of social acceptance in your life. So if you can’t get it from Mom and Dad, seek out other, healthier relationships.
If things continue to go badly, consider counseling down the road. Getting counseling is NOT a sign of weakness, deficit, or anything else. It does not mean something is wrong with you. It means that the situation you live in is fucked up. Colleges often have free or reduced-rate counseling services, and your high school may even have someone on staff for you. (My school nurse hated me, but YMMV — there are some genuinely good people out there too.) Trust me, it will help you process all the toxic shit you’re living with, so that you can have a healthier relationship with yourself and the outside world.
And keep hanging around the feminist ‘sphere. It’s incredible at esteem-building. I speak from experience. ;)
Hang in there, kid! And I agree with Renee’s grandmother, don’t argue with crazy, just focus the hard work of being a wonderful girl becoming a wonderful woman. Continue to prove your family wrong by working hard at school and at swimming, and staying out of trouble. Just be sure not to sacrifice your own happiness in the process. I’m rooting for you!
I mean, it’s awesome that you’re pushing yourself hard so that you can do good things with yourself. But trust me, if you’re doing it to try to prove them wrong, that means they’re still wielding that power over you.
You don’t have to prove them wrong — they ARE wrong. No further proof is needed. So don’t waste your time and energy trying to get back at them for being so awful to you. Use that time and energy to build *yourself* up. You can have a happy, successful life completely independent of them and their hangups. Start building that life NOW.
So interesting to think that this problem was something that girls of my generation dealt with and still deal with now that we’re adults in our forties & fifties. This was the way it used to be almost ALL the time for girls.
What saved me was reading, finding fiction written by women examining their sense that they weren’t inferior, no matter what the world told them. A lot of it was painful, of course, because not everybody can shake those messages off easily, or at all, but there is a universe of literature written by women that explores this from every angle imaginable. Asking a friendly librarian for YA recommendations is always appropriate. Or skip YA and go for the gusto. Books saved my sanity.
Everything everyone else has said — but also, if your family are as negative and as hurtful as it sounds like they are, just get out as soon as you can and go as far away as you can. You might want to look into college early-admission programs. The University of Southern CA has one called the Resident Honors Program that has college courses counting towards any courses you need for your senior year of high school. There are others as well — I think American University in D.C. has one… I don’t know any others off the top of my head but I’m sure there are others. They’re probably mostly pretty expensive, though you can get financial aid (but your parents have to cooperate by filling out forms). But it’s worth looking into if the atmosphere is as poisonous as it sounds like. It might be easier to love your family if you can get far away from them… and it will definitely be easier to surround yourself with supportive people.
Young feminist,
I understand where you are coming from. My parents were the same and we grew up in a community where I was told the “best” I could hope for “with my brains” was to marry a minister so I could support his work.
I spent half my life working hard…straight As, extracurriculars, prizes, scholarship, valedictorian…none of it ever changed their minds. To this day…I am a successful lawyer, happily married with all that I could possibly wish for in life and my parents still believe people have “given” me this success to indulge the feminists.
So I’m giving you the advice I would have given myself if I could travel back in time to when I was fourteen: Don’t make your life about them. Don’t swim to prove something to them. Don’t achieve in school for them. Today, right now…make a promise to yourself that you are going to make your life about you not about proving something to someone else.
The absolute best thing about your situation is that you won’t be in it forever. Start a countdown. I know it seems awfully far off, but it’s a reminder that one day, you’ll be out of that house. When I was fifteen, I began one counting down to my 18th birthday, and then I graduated high school early with a full ride to college when I was still seventeen, and it was so exciting to be able to shorten it. You can’t control their mindsets any more than they can control yours. I’m so happy to hear what an accurate view of yourself you have despite the home you’re growing up in. You are going to make it through, and you will LOVE college.
It sounds silly, but try blogging. My parent’s where not anti-feminist, but they where other things that where often just as frustrating. I know, when I was your age, and a little bit older, I used the vast resources of the internet to assist me. I had a xanga. It seemed silly to me friends at school, but made all the difference for me. Even if there are no fellow young feminists, or supporting older women in your town, they definitely are out there. Finding a supportive community is almost always better than going at it alone.
Plus, it feels pretty good to vent your frustrations, andt he added bonus of writing regularly is that you can become a kick-ass writer, a skill every young feminist ought to aquire.
No matter what you do, recognizing that the problem is them and not you, is always essential. Keep on trucking, kid. Thing’ll get better.
I have such empathy for you. My family wasn’t so blatantly anti-feminist, but I was raised by a mother with lots of problems (with my dad, with her parents, with boundaries, with self-confidence, with anger, with my growing up… eek) and a then-workaholic dad. It was not a space conducive my to my sisters and me having room to be ourselves and to grow into whole, healthy women.
You’re already on the web, reading good stuff. Check. And you realize what the problem is and that you are not it. Check check check. Keep reading and trusting yourself.
Now:
I highly, HIGHLY recommend that you try to love your folks for where they can be right now and promptly start hanging out with another family in which things seem more positive and empowering. I did this in high school and it really saved me. It gave me relief during high school and then saved me in college when my parents’ marriage fell apart, and then saved e AGAIN in grad school (I am still in school and am 27) when things continued to be complicated with my family and things with my mom spun wildly out of control. I am still very, very close with my friend and her folks, especially her wonderful, feminist, open-minded, opinionated, hilarious, loving mom. This woman continues to be a model for what kind of person (and woman, mother, friend, etc) I want to be. My friend’s dad is terrific and really soothing — we have silently watched t.v. together when we sometimes that’s just what I’ve needed, to be left alone, but not alone — and I get an adopted little brother out of the deal, too. I love my mom and continue to work at being in a relationship with her despite the vast differences in our approaches to life, our choices, and our values. My relationship with this second family has allowed me to breathe, see alternative ways of being and doing things, and allowed me to develop a more authentic idea of who I am and what I want outside of some very screwed up dynamics in my family of origin. You can’t pick your family, but you CAN pick a family to adopt!
I went through the same experience five years ago. Stuck in a very small town with a bigoted family and no true peers. Just want to agree with everyone and say yes, start working toward your future. Look into what kind of scholarships you can get with your grades/test scores, and you may want to get an after-school job to accrue some savings. If you have supportive friends, hang with them. Use the internet to your GREAT advantage (it was so my best friend in high school). Read, work hard, etc. Enjoy your life, and forget what your family has to say about it. They’re wasting their lives in hate and ignorance, whereas you’ll get to take full advantage of yours. When you get angry, use it to fuel you– when I was your age, I loved to write it out. Look forward to college. It’s 34958034x more fabulous.
Oh, and I COMPLETELY agree with Christine. Adopt-a-Family, if possible. ;) Worked wonders for me.
Ha! Yes! I grew up in Dallas, TX, in a very conservative, religious family whom I love but disagree with on many issues, feminism being one of them. As other’s have said, once you’ve made your feelings known on the subject, realize that you probably won’t convince them, and you don’t need to, even though it is disappointing for you that they feel the way they do. And some of them may eventually change their minds on their own (although not entirely). My sister, in fact, only recently told me that she understands now that US society IS actually sexist – she had a few bad experiences after she got married being ignored by realtors and banks who wouldn’t let her open her own account when they found out she was married – they wanted her to use her husband as the primary account holder. Anyway, I gritted my teeth for a few years in high school because I knew I would be leaving home for college. I was salutatorian and a National Merit Scholar, which earned me several scholarship at both in and out of state colleges. Does it still hurt me when I think about some of the things my family believes I am because I am (only) a woman? Of course. But you can choose your friends, even though you can’t choose your family; so surround yourself with people who support you. Best wishes!
May I speak as an oldest brother? My sister, the youngest, had three older brothers, and we lived in the country. We never let her use her age or gender as an excuse not to play with us because we needed her to make up two teams. We were very tight-knit all through high school and for a few years beyond. We weren’t just siblings, we were friends.
Your brothers are missing out on really knowing one of the greatest people in their lives.
Hobbies that can make money and connections
For example one of mine
spam stopper through email aliasing
The founder of facebook is around 23 and has a company worth probably several billion dollars. They probably don’t value the swimming or As, but they would value that.
That being said the best thing you can do is simply not let them get under your skin and not worry about them. You do that by surrounding yourself with good and smart friends.
Just like the others have said: Don’t give up. Keep working hard now, getting good grades and doing extracurricular activities and maybe hold down a part-time job. Start saving for college. Look for scholarships that can help. You won’t be stuck in your parents’ home forever. In a few years you can be off at college, living your own life that YOU EARNED, and you’ll only have to see them at holidays.
I have a family situation where there is little support if not outright contempt for the feminist position. I grew up with many in my family regularly using things deemed effeminate as an insult to a guy. Long hair, ear piercings(or any), anything slightly pink, etc. on men are things that my father, uncles, aunts, cousins, and even my grandmother would openly express their distaste for at family gatherings. Such things tend to wear on me and leave me with a feeling of isolation from people with whom I have grown up with and care about. To me the worse aspect of it all is at times I wonder why I love any of them.
How have I dealt with such behavior and continue to deal with it?
For one I learned how I felt about feminist issues were not something that was wrong with me. Part of coming to that was expanding outwards in both people and resources as I got older. College away from home was helpful. Other then that, just encountering environments were the aim was more egalitarian living helped immensely. Solidarity helps groups as much as it helps individuals and just knowing people to talk out frustrations and ideas goes long way. Books, speakers, and weblogs like this wonderful one here at Feminste give me strength and solace. Besides helping me grow out beyond where I grew up, they help me better understand what would be lost when equality is not considered a virtue.
I can not undo my family’s behavior or force them to immediately change a lifetime’s worth of actions. I will take them to task, but if possible not in hostile manner. When I do such I make it a point to demonstrate how not only the action was sexist, but the assumptions it was based on were incorrect as well. I work in small changes I can turn in large-scale gains. People more readily come around to feminism after they have a personal understanding to the movement. Similar to the way a family can lose its homophobia after a family member comes out. In the end I focus on representing well upon myself and others that identify as a feminist.
Be true to yourself. Never back down.
She needs to make it until she’s 18 and get the hell out of that house. That is hard for a 14 year-old to relate to. I grew up with dysfunctional parents. I haven’t spoke to them since 1994 and it doesn’t faze me. She needs to understand that the problem is her family. Not her.
Her family probably as other issues. The fact that she seems normal is amazing.
I used to go into my bedroom, put on my headphones and tuned out my parents. The less time this girl spends around her family the better chance to avoid conflicts. She just needs to tune them out until she’s 18. Headphones work wonders in a dysfunctional house.
A lot of commenters have already given wonderful advice.
I did notice, however, that this statement:
is made as if it is a negative trait.
Being an overachiever is something to be proud of, not something to be ashamed or negative about. In fact, we need to abolish the concept of “overachieving” from our society’s popular mentality.
Be proud and don’t let your small-minded older brothers and parents get you down!! You should not be ashamed of your achievements….THEY should be ashamed of their small-mindedness and being unable to appreciate you as a person with her own talents and achievements.
I will join with other commenters in saying college will be something to look forward to. If you are looking to attend a progressive oriented college, two I can think of are Simon’s Rock of Bard which has an early admissions program and my alma mater…Oberlin College.
A lot of commenters have already given wonderful advice.
I did notice, however, that this statement:
is made as if it is a negative trait.
Being an overachiever is something to be proud of, not something to be ashamed or negative about. In fact, we need to abolish the concept of “overachieving” from our society’s popular consciousness.
Be proud and don’t let your small-minded older brothers and parents get you down!! You should not be ashamed of your achievements….THEY should be ashamed of their small-mindedness and being unable to appreciate you as a person with her own talents and achievements.
I will join with other commenters in saying college will be something to look forward to. Another college with an early admissions program is Simon’s Rock of Bard which I’ve heard good things about from co-workers and college classmates who attended. Not sure about the financial aid situation…but you can contact them to ask.
Wish you the best of luck and walk proudly!
Oops. Sorry about the double posting. She could also consider Oberlin College, but they don’t offer an early admissions program as far as I know…though they have been generous with student scholarships…and I speak from personal experience here. :)
My family doesn’t exactly support a lot of my beliefs but, now that I am a grad student, I understand that their experiences are what lead them to where they are now and their current beliefs. The more I learn about gender and feminism, the more I understand and appreciate my family. I think the best thing you can do is educate yourself about the realities of gender and continue to achieve in the way that you have.
I highly suggest Washington & Jefferson as far as colleges go, because it’s so close I could walk over to take you out for ice cream ;)
College was an AMAZING time for me. The first time I was truly on my own, no pressure from Mom, taking care of myself. A huge part of the fuckeduppedness was that my family belittled my ability to perform basic self-care tasks and treated me like I was completely incapable of doing anything important, ever. So the fact that I could do my own laundry, cook my own meals, etc. without Mom sticking her hands in to take over (I am not exaggerating — she did it regularly) was a huge “Hah! Proved you wrong!” moment. It was exhilarating.
The reason I warn against the prove-them-wrong attitude, though, is that it’s basically a last ditch effort to keep control over you. Because even if you’re thousands of miles away, if you’re doing everything you do as a way to show them they’re wrong, they are still controlling you. Really focus on building an identity for YOURSELF and not for them. To put it bluntly — they don’t deserve your efforts. YOU deserve those efforts. YOU deserve to have a happy, healthy, independent life. So start making that life for yourself. Try to evaluate what you’re doing that is what you *really* like doing, that really makes you happy — and what’s extraneous. And start focusing on doing those things that make you feel good.
It’s a huge emotional task to get to a point where you can let go of those family expectations. It doesn’t happen overnight. But you can get a headstart.
My family is very similar and this is what kept me sane:
Keep working hard, and plan for they day you leave.
Head to the internet for support. Pandagon and Feministe(my first feminist blog that I read regularly) were immense help when i found them.
Find female friends of the same persuasion.
Don”t argue. You’ll just make yourself a target.
Keep doing what you’re doing with school and sports that will be your ticket out of there to go to college. Use your family for everything they have and stay under the radar but know that you’re right, they’re wrong. Use their resources, use their money, if they’re willing to pay for some of your education, and get out, get far far away. Until you’re out of there and have a good support system where you don’t need them for anything, lay low. And then tell them to hit the bricks.
Renee, I may have heard an even better one: don’t argue wth stupid. They’ll dag you down to their level and beat you with experience.
Cara, your kid friend doesn’t have to prove anything to anyone. Ever. Swim for the joy of overcoming the pain. and the joy of doing well Get As not to prove anything but because you like the subject or because you’ve figured out the school game and enjoy playing it well. And if you’re a fanatic about working, try Hopkins. Once they realize you’re smart and can be as fanatical as they are, they’ll give you the keys to the candy store: design your own major, do your own research, study with the professors you think are doing inteesting work whatever. There are paths, but there are loads of people who leave the paths and make their own.
http://krieger.jhu.edu/magazine/
In the meantime, you are where you are. Be there and find the joy that’s in it. If you start with a corner of you room or work outward toward friends or loves or focus on one thing fo a while, or if you’re a one-woman band, who’s stopping you?
Never, never, never define youself by the perceptions of people who believe you’e limited or who want to limit you. Fool them. If they come aound, good; if they don’t. their loss and maybe they’ll figure it out later.
Only repeating what everyone else said: your parents are wrong, and your brothers? Are asshats.
(sometimes you must call a turd a turd, and no amount of polishing will make it shine).
It sucks to be in a family with completely off the edge parents and asshat siblings. It can be survived, but it will always suck.
What doesn’t suck is that *it’s not forever.* You will get out! And then, you can make your own life WHATEVER you want it to be! And that’s what so awesome about growing up and moving out. I’m 37, for crying out loud, and every day I’m grateful that I have my own life ,my own friends, and a home that is mine to be whoever I want, with a spouse who loves me for that. Beats the time when I was 14 by a million miles. You can get that too!
You can survive your crazy family–lots of people do, and lots of them have gone on to be happy, healthy, non-crazy people. You will too. The fact that you’re reaching out for help means you know you need it, you KNOW this is all kinds of fucked up, you know it should NOT be this way. Whether they know it now or ever is their burden–not yours. You’ve already figured it out, and that’s what makes you strong enough to get through this part.
I am not a big fan of the “wait until you’re 18″ advice. The years between 14 and 18 feel like forever at the time.
The best advice I can give is to stand up for yourself in a non-confrontational way, like through humor.
The next time they call you an over-achiever, for example, you could tell them that they’re right and you will begin underachieving immediately – you never wanted to move away from home, anyway!
Or, for instance, you could ask them, when they are deriding you for being an “over-achiever” what the correct amount of achieving is.
I also recommend reading and learning about rhetoric. A fun, easy start is Jay Heinrichs’ “Thank You For Arguing.”
You can’t lead a horse to water, but you can line the path with hay and let them [think they] find it themselves.
My heart goes out to this girl. I also grew up in a house that was less supportive than what I needed. I made the mistake of internalizing the messages, but you are already on the path to avoid that. My advice would be to find someone to talk to on a regular basis who understands where you’re coming from and can validate your feelings. Kind of like a therapist, but it doesn’t have to be a mental health professional. Your school may have a counselor that you can talk to. Just someone to listen to the stories of the everyday occurrences at your house and express sympathy for what you experience and remind you that you deserve better. That alone has been immensely helpful for me in overcoming my past. If there isn’t anyone IRL, you can start by blogging.
I am not a big fan of the “wait until you’re 18″ advice. The years between 14 and 18 feel like forever at the time.
Yes, they do. But achieving financial and social independence is pretty much impossible in this culture before you’re 18. And with family this toxic, financial and social independence is the goal to aim for.
You can be absolutely fantastic at rhetoric, at winning arguments verbally, you can be as smart as you like – but if the person who has financial and social authority over you wants to win the argument, he can and will: he has other methods to do so.
She wins by being what she wants to be, and getting out of there, not by “winning” arguments verbally and stunning them with her rhetoric.
I agree with the other posters: this is not forever. You *will* be an adult and move out in four years, and as horrible as this sounds, it will happen more quickly than you think.
Advice based on my experience with a supportive family and a truly horrific high school:
1. Start looking into colleges *now*. I had a safety school lined up when I was fifteen and had found the place I wanted to attend by the time I was seventeen. Look for places that are at least three to four hours from your home so you won’t be under pressure to return home on weekends, and if at all possible, move far enough way that you’ll have a chance of being away the whole year.
Another thing – if you’re a swimming champion, you very well may find that college coaches will be scouting you within the next year or so. An athletic scholarship is a great way to get out without your parents whinging about “wasting money on a girl.”
2. Join every club you can so you don’t have to spend much time around your family. They sound utterly toxic.
3. Confide in your friends or a trusted adult, like the mother of a friend, a teacher, your swimming coach, or a guidance counselor. The stronger your support network, the better off you’ll be. An adult can also advocate for you with your parents if things get unbearable.
4. Get a job as soon as you legally can. If you’re earning your own money, you’ll be able to lessen their control over you.
5. Read as much as you can.
Good luck, and God bless. You can and will go far.
What other people have said here is great. I haven’t read all of it, so if I repeat some stuff, I apologize.
1) If you can’t work in an office, restaurant, shop, etc. yet, see if you can baby-sit or do house/yard work around town or dog-walk or something. I absolutely agree that if you can work it’ll help you a) get out of the house, b) save money and c) make it easier for you never to move home after you go away to college. No matter what you do in school, if you get out of high school not having worked, it’ll make it harder to find ways to stay away when you’re in college. I started to work when I was 14 and though not having the free time some of my friends had was frustrating, having the experience was very helpful later ( not to mention the money ).
2) In conjunction with the above, try to educate yourself about money – savings, investment, your legal right to have your own bank account (I think this stuff varies by state). Financial independence is key, particularly for women.
3) Ditto the stuff about finding like-minded folks. Do any of your friends have families that you enjoy being around? Try to spend time with other people’s families and see the different ways people interact, the way they talk to each other and resolve conflict. Knowing what your parents and brothers do that drives you crazy is important, but it’s equally important to find other ways of living so that you can make a life for yourself that doesn’t repeat the mistakes of your parents.
4) Keep swimming. It’ll keep you sane, and it’ll be great for college applications, and it’ll ensure that you have other people around who encourage you. Nothing says you’re needed like anchoring the 400 free relay/picking up points in the 500/teaching a freshman butterfly. Swimming was my refuge in high school.
4a) Talk to your doctor, if you can, about ways to make sure you protect yourself from injury so you *can* keep swimming. I know this doesn’t directly address your question, but I think the hardest thing you have to do now is to recognize that your family is how it is, and that all you can do is try to take care of yourself and work towards getting away. Swimming could be a big part of that, but sports-related injuries are very common with young women. When I got hurt and couldn’t do sports anymore, it was really dispiriting for me. Know when you’re being asked to do something that’s not good for you, and stand up for yourself if you can.
5) The internet can be a godsend. We’re all on your side, and many of us have been there. the next few years will seem very long, but when they’re over you never have to do them again. And then you’ll be the one helping other women and girls to find their own independence. You’ll be an excellent mentor and friend because of what you’ll learn as you become an adult.
6) last but not least, this may be not an option for you, but some states have boarding public high schools. Illinois Math and Science Academy is the one here — if something like that exists in your state, it might be worth looking into.
7) Consider a women’s college. There is little in the world that will contradict internalized messages that women are weak or dumb that going to school with brilliant strong women. Heck, if it’s an option for you, consider an all-girls’ high school. The dearth of boys is mythic, there are girls with brothers, friends, neighbors, boyfriends with brothers, friends, etc. if you miss male companionship. True, they won’t be in your classes, but since you can’t just leave home now, maybe you can find reinforcement for what you already know about your own intelligence and that of other girls and women. They’re also often Catholic schools, which may or may not be a problem, but since I don’t know you, I thought I’d put all the options I see on the table. Most such places have open houses and opportunities to talk with real students, so you could gauge whether it’s a good environment for you or not. Much as the Catholic Church has some really awful things to say about a woman’s role, all it takes is meeting a few bad-ass nuns to realize that a lot of that is total baloney. But it is not for everyone – it was not for me and no one has to tell me the reasons why a catholic school might be unappealing.
“I am not a big fan of the “wait until you’re 18″ advice. The years between 14 and 18 feel like forever at the time.”
Yes, but unfortunately, that’s all most teens in emotionally and/or psychologically tumultuous relationships with their families can do. The alternatives generally either aren’t there or aren’t worth it.
I agree with what everyone else said about getting out of the house as much as possible. Now is the time to seize every opportunity that even vaguely interests you; try new sports and new hobbies, broaden your horizons and your social circles, read everything you can get your hands on, milk every educational offering your school has for all it’s worth, etc. Not only will doing so give you a better grounding for anything you decide to do later, but it will replace time you might have spent in a very toxic, degrading environment with time spent in a supportive environment that encourages you to excel. Non-family social networks that build you up and reinforce you instead of tearing you down are key when the people with whom you have to spend a significant portion of your teenage years are so destructive.
If you do get a job–which is a good idea, since a family that doesn’t value women is unlikely to spend much in effort or money supporting one’s collegiate goals–save every penny you can and do what you can to keep your family out of your finances. I’ve known a few people who wound up getting a raw deal on account of minors’ property rights, and it seemed to get more blatant the more the parents seemed to view the children as born victims.
I honestly don’t think I can add anymore on top of everything that everyone else has said on here aside from hanging in there and remaining strong. Don’t let them convince you that they’re right, and before you know it, you’ll be 18 and out of there.
I honestly can think of how awesome my older sister, Janice is. She became an LPN nurse, is working towards becoming a registered nurse, has three great kids, a good husband, and did it all almost entirely on her own. I never had any doubt that she’d be able to do all that, because she’s that kickbutt, and so can you.
There’s a lot of great advice above, so I’ll try not to be too repetitive.
It’s so hard being a minor and legally needing your parents consent to do much of anything. Besides the advice to get the hell out as soon as you can, I would add work around them as much as possible. Assuming your parents are not against your going to college, use that to your advantage. Why are you getting a job? So you can help pay for college. Why join that club? It’ll look good on your college apps.
(Like others have said above, do these things for *you* — pick things you enjoy, that you care about– but having the excuse of ‘doing it for college’ often gets parents off your back, even if they’re actively devaluing your work and abilities.)
Seek out feminist/supportive youth organizations and programs where you can be around other people your age and supportive adults. (I keep picturing Rock Camp for Girls–though you’d probably have to hide the brochures from your folks and pull off a “just sign here”–but there are lots of other things.) Some high schools require that you complete a certain number of hours doing volunteer work– another way you might be able to hook up with an organization with like minded and supportive people, and still be able to tell your parents it’s a graduation requirement. (Of course, you can always do volunteer work just cause, and echo the same ol’ “it’ll look on college apps”).
I didn’t have to push the “it’s for college agenda” quite so much, as my issues with my folks were different than yours, but that’s more or less how I managed to stay out of the house as much as humanly possible while I was in high school. The only thing about that– be careful not to run yourself ragged. Overachieving looks great on paper, and can feel like a pretty satisfying ‘fuck you’, but it can also take its toll. It’s taken me a long time to learn that it’s okay to have downtime, to not take on that extra commitment, to go out with friends instead of finishing my reading now and then. Just know that you’re not proving your family right if you need to take break from the activities, or get a B because you needed sleep more than you needed to study for that test– that’s taking care of yourself, and one of the most underrated signs of strength in our culture.
And in the face of so many people telling you you’re less than you are– be kind to yourself. You’ve got enough people being hard on you already, try not to let the need to prove yourself add to the beating.
6) last but not least, this may be not an option for you, but some states have boarding public high schools. Illinois Math and Science Academy is the one here — if something like that exists in your state, it might be worth looking into.
I second this idea. I went to the Indiana Academ for Science, Math, and the Humanities. I believe there are 13 states that have them, so if you live in one of them, go for it. I went to escape a very confining home life and I learned so much about life while there. I also had many friends who were escaping very small towns and public schools with very poor academic programs. Not having had internet access before I went, it was really the first time I was exposed to ideas like feminism.
And the best part was that it was very nearly free to go because it is a public school. It cost my parents a bit more for book rental every year and there was additional gas cost of driving back and forth to pick me up for weekends when they forced us all to go home. But then, I was getting all of my housing and meals paid for by the state, so maybe it evened out a bit.
You’re worth it. They just don’t get it. I would say that you need to have something to look forward to– is it your own apartment? college? a job? Try to narrow down what you’d like to be that you can make happen, and then make a plan. You can concentrate on getting something you want instead of trying to change people who probably won’t. You love them, but they’re not helping you with what you need, so you need to go get that somewhere else.
I don’t know, all I have is practical advice.
If you want to go to college:
In the United States– the first step to affording college is the FAFSA. It stands for “Free Application For Federal Student Aid.” When I got to college, I was shocked that so few people had heard of it. You can fill it out and send it in on Jan. 1st of the year you plan to go to college– so if you plan to attend in the fall OR next spring, fill it out sometime between Jan. 1st and March 2nd (the priority date.) First come, first served. You have to fill it out for basically any financial aid from any university. It’s online, and it’s in paper form– you can usually get it at a public library, post office, or city hall, or at a local community college.
Fill it out every year, even if you have no plans to go to college! Getting it in the mail early will mean that if you do decide to go at the last minute, you’ll have a good chance at getting a nice aid package. When they ask which colleges to send the info to, put in your first choice or most likely destination, then your second choice, a third choice, and then the local community college. It doesn’t cost to send the info out and it saves you trouble later.
Community colleges generally accept high school students. You often get a tuition discount when you’re under 18 and/or in high school. If you feel up to it, take a couple classes, either on weekends or in the summer. It’ll get you out of the house, you can take fun classes you’ve always been interested in, and if you do go to college after high school, they might accept some of the credits towards your degree and save you some work later. You may also make new friends and discover new interests.
In the meantime, have you tried being a summer camp counselor? You can do fun things with people who look up to you while spending several weeks each year taking a break from your folks. Sometimes you can get paid for it– even if not, it would look great on your resume. Same thing with extracurriculars, volunteering, clubs, etc. Find some people who value you, and hang out with them as much as possible. The Girl Scouts are pretty great, even as a teenager.
Also, get a bank account if possible. I have no idea if minors can get a savings account without their parents, but it’s worth looking into. It’ll make it a lot easier to save any money you earn for later, and it’ll be easier to keep track of it. You’ll need a bank account later in life anyway, so you may as well open a savings now. Read all the fine print and try to get one your parents can’t touch.
You are FABULOUS! You keep truckin! There will ALWAYS be doubters, people who put whoever else down to make themselves feel better. I am also one of those naturally overachieving women – I can’t help it. I go 100 mph all the time, and people think I’m stuck up and too good for them and that I should lower my standards and not be so productive, blah blah blah. But it’s natural for me and I love my work – I have a great life. And yes, it makes all the slackers (men and women) look like the slackers they are. I’m proud of myself. I put myself through college, masters, and PhD – I did it with the help of soooo many friends and mentors. I also grew up in a very abusive “home” and the minute I went to college, I never looked back. It’s been the best thing for me to escape that toxic environment – I never thought I would survive if I stayed there. Deep down, I always knew that there was something better for me – I just didn’t know that I had to assemble it. I had to find it. I learned that every now and then, I fall on my face and guess what? big whoop. Everyone does. I got up each time, that is what matters. Try new things, meet new people, you will have scary moments, but you will be just fine. People like you and me always land on our feet, even though the take off may be ugly. Trust your gut – it’s the best tool you have. I agree with the previous posts – empowered women are in control of their finances, their options, their careers…. and yes, it’s scary to the “weak” ones to be in the company of a powerful woman. There’s a saying that I live by: the rearview window in a car is very small and limited for a reason – because we shouldn’t be focusing on the past, what’s behind. The front window is huge because that’s our path ahead and we should be able to clearly see what’s in front of us. You keep moving forward, you do what’s best for YOU. Best wishes :)
What a great post! I wish I had time to read all the replies now.
To the teenager:
You will survive. When you are an adult and on your own, it will still mean a lot to you what your family or origin thinks of you, but it will be so incredibly liberating to be on your own. There are so many places you can interact with feminist role models. I didn’t have the internet growing up, for the most part, but I did have the opportunity to be involved in a lot of different activities that enabled me to interact with many different types of people: debate, music, enrichment programs, camps, etc. I also had books, magazines and the library.
Ironically, even my own mother, who would hardly self identify as a feminist, is a role model to me in a way. She went back to school and has an incredible career now, after dropping out of college and having children. My dad, although he discounted my interest in sports, was prochoice. So, you can look into your family members and try to accentuate the positive, if you want to have an amicable relationship with them. It might be very hard, especially when you are becoming a young adult and really defining who you are and choose the direction of your life, especially if they do not approve of your choices.
I can only echo the excellent advice other posters have already given. You need to achieve for yourself, not to get your family to admit they were wrong. And laying low at home is probably the best strategy till you can get out of there. Also, definitely explore your financial and college options starting now. I can honestly say, things got lightyears better for me once I got away from where I grew up.
again this probably just re-states what other people say, but at 23 i can say that i still sometimes feel the stress of having family members who think “women studies” are hilarious and find my liberalism to be amusing at best. it doesn’t stop making you angry, but you can do things to temper the anger–namely, slowly separating from your family with your own life. i suggested READING as much as possible–learning about different kinds of feminisms and opressions to know that you aren’t alone. also, perhaps volunteer with a feminist organization you believe in? not only will you meet like-minded people, but it will be a good way to feel like even though you can convince your family, you can still make an impact.
Never buy into what they’re telling you because there’s a whole wide world out here that knows otherwise.
There is also a whole world out there of wonderful men who are total egalitarians and love and respect women and don’t need to put women down to shield their ego from feelings of inferiority when you are winning swim competitions and getting better grades than they ever did. So I hope your experience at home does not make you feel like all guys are sexist jerks.
And to cheer you up a little – I rooted out this interesting article about our womanly XX chromosomes:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/science/nature/4355355.stm
“”The X chromosome is the most extraordinary in the human genome in terms of biology and its association with disease,” said Mark Ross, the project leader at the Wellcome Trust Sanger Institute, UK.”
“In a sense, it does not matter too much that a male is missing genes on his Y chromosome, because he has equivalent copies on his X chromosome.
But this leaves males vulnerable to any problems lurking on the X.
“A host of nasty diseases and disorders sit on the human X chromosome, including haemophilia, autism, muscular dystrophy and mental retardation.
But because females have another – usually healthy – copy of the X chromosome, they are usually shielded from the full impact of these disorders. Males, on the other hand, who have nothing to fall back on, are forced to fully express their faulty genes. ”
“Because males have only a single X chromosome, more genetic diseases have been found on this chromosome than any other,” said Dr Ian Jackson of the MRC Human Genetics Unit, UK. “One consequence is that boys have a higher incidence of mental retardation than girls.”
I’m not quoting this to try turn you into a chromosome snob – but next time the patriarchy in your house is attacking you you can just remind yourself that their Y chromosome makes them extra vulnerable to such idiocy. But I would caution you that there’s no point in pointing this out to them – might make them angry or double up on their picking on you.
Hang in there girl! Life does get more complicated as you enter adulthood but it gets better, too. You get to assert yourself more, and fill your life with the people you choose – just try pick supportive, savvy, fun, smart, and nurturing people!
And remember – friends are the universe’s way of making our family up to us.
All sorts of useful advice, but as a brother to a handful of women and a father to a handful of a daughter, Jed’s comment is worth repeating. “Your brothers are missing out on really knowing one of the greatest people in their lives.”
My sisters have always been there for me and are some of the people I am closest too in this world. I would not be the person I am today were it not for them.
Finally, what everyone else said financial independence. Spend the next couple years finding scholarship opportunities and position yourself to get them. I got through college on a scholarship I earned as a golf caddy. Point being there are unusual funding sources out there.
When my mom was young my Grandfather flat out refused to send her to college. He thought women’s place was at home, or working as a secretary. She scraped together enough money to put herself through dental school and move out of the house, and never looked back. She eventually married my dad when sh was 30. “We thought it would never happen!” was what they said.
Fast forward to my life, my Grandpa could not stop telling me how proud of me he was for going to one of the top 10 universities in the US. Me, a useless girl.
I doubt my grandpa ever really acknowledged that my Mom made the right decision, or that he’d changed his mind. He probably didn’t even realize he did it. I’m sure if I’d ever talked to him about women’s rights directly, his opinions would not have changed. But he wanted me to have rights, and he never discouraged me like he did my mom, and that’s about as much progress as one can really expect.
Just do what you’ve got to do for yourself. I highly recommend reading a book called “Mistakes Were Made (but not by me)” It comes in handy all the time, but mostly with understanding how people handle being contronted with information that proves them wrong. It’s really helpful for both dealing with other people, and understanding how your own mind works.
(Also, if you want to escape into some fantasy books I highly recommend anything by Tamora Pierce or Mercedes Lackey. Awesome women abound.)
I found that it was best to ignore provocations from idiots. People who wanted to learn or who honestly wanted to know why I thought what I did would get a summary of just that. On the other hand, people who wanted to argue what they don’t know shit about just because they’re insecure I found were easier to simply just not deal with. Don’t get upset, don’t be intimidated…just let them know that they can think what they want despite the facts and go on and sip your tea while you giggle to yourself at their arrogance.
It’s hard…but so long as they aren’t taking any freedoms away from you (like taking away your freedom to be in swim team or extra-curricular activities) leaving them to their own stupid devices while you live your own life regardless is probably your best bet.