Feministe’s Next Top Troll, Season 2


Who will it be?

We’ve played this before, but for new readers, here’s the game: We have 12 contestants for the award of Feministe’s Next Top Troll. Their comments are below the fold, along with a nice little voting thingy where you can click on your favorite. Read their comments, pick the most egregious (or hilarious) and vote away. General misogyny warnings abound. We’ll narrow it down to the Top 3 and then do a run-off. Voting closes whenever I get bored and close it, so vote early and vote often. Enjoy!

(And if you’ve ever wondered what the Feministe mod queue looks like, now you have an idea — and the sad part is, these are the funny ones which are benign enough to publish). Now go vote!


1. Rudy Ericson, who I’m pretty sure is complete satire, but this was just so over-the-top and bizarre that I had to include it:

First off: NO DOES NOT MEAN NO! Always has, always will.


BTW, men never make false accusations for monetary gain.
DUH!!!!!!

2. Andrew S, who, let’s just say, leaves me a bit confused:

Squinting through pink Lambrusco colored glasses is very hard to do when one sports the wrong type of appendage, and lives not large at the emperors indulgence. More especially when hollywood becomes reality for the stupid, and increasingly the gullible. I say males should abandon the neo slave mothership and unfurl those sails for lands anew. It seems the real barbarians just have to wait a little while more at the gates, for when the need for old style chivalry arises. I forsake answering the call, for what do I care. My navel is examined, and the vassel that spewed me forth has nurtured too many clones. The barbarians can have at’em to their hearts content. Like all dreams, the keys were handed over to the enlightened ones, who appear to be so well instructed by their serpents.

3. GWB, who posted this comment under several different handles:

Well, Jill, we’ve found something you’re good at, blogging about animals.

Really, you don’t seem like a dimwit like zuzu, but you are intellectually dishonest, smug, and not half as informed as you think you are. learn some history, some econ, something about other culturees i.e. something more profound than feminist obsessively narrow minded takes on the world.

ugh, I am so gald to be rid of America, Rush Limbaugh and silly feminists alike.

4. Joey, who recognizes the value in simplicity:

lol boobs

5. Mike Paahana, who loooves his double-e’s:

jme u must be da beegest feminist b/c ur ass is reel beeg

6. A man who lists his email address as “huge.banana10@yahoo.com“:

All you crazy cunts need to get a clue. Women are not mentally capable of ruling. Hell you can barely think straight enough to drive cars. The rest of the time you spend running from mice. Just so you know – you will never be equal. It’s like this – just because the rabbit desires to be the equal of the wolf doesn’t mean that she won’t get her ass eaten. Stop dreaming of “being equal” and start ironing shirts!!! You dumb fat bitches. :)

7. Anand, a truly patriotic conservative:

ingraham makes perfect sense. these marxist-leninist slimeballs shouldnt be allowed to get away with this. i say hire bin laden and crash a few empty planes into berkeley, then order the marines, army nat guard and the rest to stand down. lets see code pink defend the land..

the benjamin girl is ridiculous. “we want the military to focus on defence and stay within the US”??????? what the hell does that mean? isnt that what the police is for? or does she think that we should have a huge army but using it in anyway is illegal?

8. TexxDude, a truly patriotic Southern gentleman (and clearly an English major):

you people that read this site are all going to hell, dont worry there wont be any southern white men there !!! rot in piece

9. “Hater,” who is totally about equal rights:

I’m so tird of you militant cunts only fighting for women’s rights, how about EVERYONE’S rights!

10. From “Roy Mustang,” who came over from protein wisdom, a wee poem:

Silly feminist. I blame the 19th amendment.

Women shouldn’t be allowed to vote.
I’d rather hear opinions from a goat.
They’re clearly all insane.
We should just remove their brains.
And send them out to sea and sink the boat.

11. By a young man who leaves the creative email address “fuckyou@yourass.com.” Brilliant!

It must suck to be you, and to find something that offends you in every movie, every ad, every facet of your life, because everyone hates you and is against you. And all you can do in defense is post in your little blog and other menopausal, unattractive and/or heavyset women will commiserate, because they too belong to the sisterhood of the damned. But their life sucks, too, and their approval merely reinforces the fact you are a loveless, joyless, bitter person, full of resentments and perceived wrongs against yourself and your class, and for whom death will be a blessed relief from this coil of anguish and unfairness. But who will take care of your cat?

And then you awaken from life’s lonely dream to find that Satan is a man, and he is also God. And he tells you to go iron his fucking shirt, no sexual release needed babe, thanks anyway, just get those shirts. I have breeder quality girls for that, you’re on the ironing and housekeeping team, hun, just like last life..

12. From a post about “Cuttin’ Up Hookers” t-shirts, from a person who is clearly much smarter than all of us:

what the fuck is wrong with you, get over yourselves personally i like the shirts and i think you all just dont have enough to do with your life except think about things like why a shirt shouldnt be distributed, dude im a strong girl and a smart girl hell im probably smarter than all of you dumbass ‘FEMINISTE’ it boggles my mind that this website exists go to hell i hate people like you fuckers feminism is such farce and so are all of you, youre like the man haters from pcu, oh yeah you guys probably dont watch movies or mainstream television bc its sexist, i put boys in their places the right way, by being better than them at everything, and you just bitch about cuttin up hookers? go alex, you win i think your clothes are awesome and all of you dumb ass people are just too self involved to get that HOOKERS ARE FUCKING THE WORST FORM OF FEMINISM EVER so cuttin them up metaphorically, satirically, figuratively would be the BEST thing you could hope for, cut up the whole goddamn genre of sex workers, oh wait youre just too dumb to think of that right?


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118 comments for “Feministe’s Next Top Troll, Season 2

  1. July 16, 2008 at 1:12 pm

    Oh my goodness, they are all so so angry. And why do trolls always need their shirts ironed? i mean, most people wear cotton nowadays, right?

    Although i must admit, the poem was pretty good, if only that creative energy went somewhere productive… if only…

  2. Caro
    July 16, 2008 at 1:15 pm

    I wanna say Mr. Huge Banana, if only for the incongruous smiley face emoticon at the end….

  3. July 16, 2008 at 1:15 pm

    If TexxDude is the kind of person who goes to this so-called Heaven, I certainly don’t want to see him there. C’mon Rapture! (lol)

  4. FashionablyEvil
    July 16, 2008 at 1:16 pm

    Banana got me with the smiley face at the end. Otherwise, it would have been Texx. If only I could vote more than once…

  5. nails
    July 16, 2008 at 1:23 pm

    ‘lol boobs’ is the only one that I found amusing.

  6. July 16, 2008 at 1:26 pm

    Gosh, the smiley face made the whole comment Ironic!

    12, I’m afraid, just made me physically ill.

  7. exholt
    July 16, 2008 at 1:32 pm

    And why do trolls always need their shirts ironed? i mean, most people wear cotton nowadays, right?

    Probably because they’ve burned them by accidentally setting them ablaze in the process of ironing their own shirts. Hey…it happens….especially in the dorms and apartments of young professionals.

    I am a bit surprised that not one of those entries have trolls demanding women go make them a sandwich….

  8. brightbluelizard
    July 16, 2008 at 1:34 pm

    I voted for Joey. I’m a fan of elegant (or not so elegant) simplicity! :P

  9. romham
    July 16, 2008 at 1:35 pm

    i dont know. but the “Sisterhood of the Damned” sounds hardcore in a good way.

  10. Kristen
    July 16, 2008 at 1:37 pm

    This is a tough one.

    Andrew was clearly smoking some sort of something while writing that post, which results in 5 points for finding the computer. But since he failed to provide any for the rest of the class – so that we might translate what I’m sure was a powerful discussion of gender equity…I’m afraid he gets deducted 10 points.

    Huge Banana should definitely get a point…because putting a smiley face after calling them names makes everything HAPPY! Unfortunately his use of tired old insults results in the deduction of 250 million points.

    Roy rhymed…which takes some understanding of the English language, but on the whole, the poem was a rehash of a well-known lawyer joke…so no points for him.

    Fuck You did equate God and Satan which makes me smile, so one point should be awarded. However, he failed to realize that I would hit God-tan *with* the iron before I’d join hell’s maintenance team, so minus 2 points there.

    Cuttin’ Up Hookers has that brilliant mix of “I hate you” and “I’m one of you” that screams “IDIOT.” Co-opting the feminist movement into one that approves of violence against women so long as the women in question are the “evil” sex workers was a stroke of genius. In addition the author was clearly channeling writers like Faulkner who find that strict adherence to rules on punctuation distracts from the internal narration. Yup…I think this is the winner.

  11. Xan
    July 16, 2008 at 1:41 pm

    Haha, thanks for the laugh! I needed that today. People are so awful.

  12. July 16, 2008 at 1:45 pm

    My personal favorite was Huge Banana, because of the smiley face and because of this line:

    “It’s like this – just because the rabbit desires to be the equal of the wolf doesn’t mean that she won’t get her ass eaten.”

    I mean, maybe some rabbits out there like getting their asses eaten.

    In totally unrelated (but hilarious) news, best Cary Tennis ever: http://www.salon.com/mwt/col/tenn/2008/07/15/dolphins/

  13. exholt
    July 16, 2008 at 1:46 pm

    BTW: Voted for Andrew S. as the mental imagery of “barbarians” coming in to take over while the aggrieved dudes “abandon the neo-slave mothership” was just too ridiculously ahistorical and funny to resist….especially knowing how every one I’ve met whose voiced similar sentiments tended to be an 18-20 year old frat dude who puts on a big act of toughness, but who then flees and screams in abject terror from innocuous things/creatures like your average mouse/rat around the Fenway/Kenmore area.

    Out of curiosity, will the ultimate winner of this contest win any sort of prize/award/trophy? ;)

  14. July 16, 2008 at 1:46 pm

    You know who’s like the noble, impressive wolf? A guy who calls himself “huge banana.” Yup. I am taken aback.

  15. July 16, 2008 at 1:48 pm

    Out of curiosity, will the ultimate winner of this contest win any sort of prize/award/trophy? ;)

    boobs. lol.

  16. July 16, 2008 at 1:51 pm

    Please put me in the running with this comments.
    You have trolls?
    My experience with Feminist blogs is that they delete any comment or “troll” that disagrees with them and bans the commenter.
    Opps, You use a mod queue so I guess that the same is true for Feministe too.

  17. Joe
    July 16, 2008 at 1:52 pm

    I went with simplicity: lol boobs!

  18. July 16, 2008 at 1:53 pm

    Ol’ Mike, there, for making his comment really fun to read aloud.

  19. PhysioProf
    July 16, 2008 at 1:56 pm

    I voted for “lol boobs”, although “jme u must be da beegest feminist b/c ur ass is reel beeg” was a close second.

  20. July 16, 2008 at 2:00 pm

    FYI, I let Paul’s comment through as an illustration of one of my favorite troll tactics: Show up on a blog, act like a fool, insult everyone, leave rude comments, and then predict that your comment won’t be let through because feminists just ban commenters who don’t agree with them (the only thing missing are the words “echo chamber.”

    Note to Paul: We ban commenters who act like assholes, whether they agree with us or not. Disagreement here is accepted and common; being a dick is not accepted.

    Ok, back to fun.

  21. July 16, 2008 at 2:05 pm

    i voted for andrew s. he sounds like an english teacher i had once. it also scans well as a dramatic reading – i’m thinking will ferrell as james lipton.

  22. July 16, 2008 at 2:07 pm

    haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahaha, what a bunch of f–king crybaby whiners.

    You poor weak sick boys. Now get off the Internet and go play with your little action figure toys and enact a war scene so you can feel like a real “man” !!!

  23. July 16, 2008 at 2:16 pm

    I actually started snorting (something that has never happened before) reading those quotes. My fave (although I voted for fuckyou@yourass.com) was Roy Mustang, because he thinks we have brains, but that they should be taken out!

  24. Marksman2000
    July 16, 2008 at 2:27 pm

    “But who will take care of your cat?”

    He should leave the animals out of his response. I love cats.

  25. elise
    July 16, 2008 at 2:28 pm

    @ Paul

    Alas “this comments” and “opps” is pretty standard ‘troll can’t proofread’ stuff. You’re going to have to train some more before you can really compete in an elite contest like this. Try hard though! We’re rooting for you!

  26. sistercoyote
    July 16, 2008 at 2:43 pm

    I voted Andrew S. just for the sheer WTFery of his comment.

    Also, shouldn’t that be “my naval is examined” given the rest of his sailing metaphor?

  27. Bloix
    July 16, 2008 at 2:48 pm

    Mike Paahana talks like the crocodiles in the Pearls Before Swine comic. E.g., http://www.comics.com/comics/pearls/archive/pearls-20080626.html

  28. luzzleanne
    July 16, 2008 at 2:54 pm

    I’m going with Mr. Huge Banana as well, if only because it’s apparent that the only women he’s ever interacted with have been from WWII-era cartoons. Explains a lot, really.

    (Apologies if the is a double post. I got a server error the first time.)

  29. Roy
    July 16, 2008 at 2:56 pm

    Dang.
    This is just further validates my growing concern that most people named “Roy” are assholes. Which, for obvious reasons, makes me rather uncomfortable.

    You poor weak sick boys. Now get off the Internet and go play with your little action figure toys and enact a war scene so you can feel like a real “man” !!!

    Dang again.
    Now I feel like I have to go put my action figures away.

    Ultimately, I really like the Sisterhood of the Damned. Sounds like a… cool super villain group. And you thought I was going to say band name.

  30. July 16, 2008 at 2:57 pm

    My navel is examined, and the vassel that spewed me forth has nurtured too many clones.

    I realized, when I read this, how much I miss Norman Mailer.

    Yes, Andrew has my vote, most assuredly.

  31. July 16, 2008 at 3:05 pm

    I think Kristen is right on with her assessment of “Cuttin Up Hookers.” I think it really embodies classic trollishness.

  32. QLH
    July 16, 2008 at 3:11 pm

    I had to vote for smiley-face dude. Which is a shame, because I was really rooting for “lol boobs.”

  33. Abby
    July 16, 2008 at 3:12 pm

    gahhh this was tough, but huge banana won my heart with the smiley faces, and with his ability to cram many misogynistic thoughts in a relatively small package. crazy cunts? check. small brains? check. bad drivers? check. wimps? check. stop being so uppity? CHECK CHECK.

  34. HeatherMae
    July 16, 2008 at 3:23 pm

    This IS a hard decision.

    Andrew S reminds me of reading James Joyce in high school, only with a little anti-feminism and possibly hallucinogens added for flavour (I think). It gives me the same feeling of I might be able to understand him if only I were on some altered plane of existence. Also, sistercoyote, I think he’s referencing “navel-gazing” in that line…what he’s trying to say, i have no clue.

    huge.banana.101 and fuckyou@yourass.com pretty much tie for me with their well-reasoned arguments for why to ignore feminists: “wimmins r stoopid” and “femuhnists r ugleeee”, respectively. I’m impressed at how they manage to include practically every stereotype and lame insult that’s ever thrown at women/feminists, but I’m sure we could come up with more to help them out. They totally left out the krazee woman hormones making us emotional and hairy legs…

    I second that “Sisterhood of the Damned” sounds awesome.

    I think I have to go with huge banana though, because his made me laugh more. and so cheerful!

  35. Keeshond
    July 16, 2008 at 3:24 pm

    This was not an easy choice for me. Truly, I respect the contributions of all the contestants. But my vote just has to go to Cutting Up Hookers because, as we all know, “HOOKERS ARE FUCKING THE WORST FORM OF FEMINISM EVER.”

  36. Manon
    July 16, 2008 at 3:25 pm

    FYI, “Roy Mustang” is actually an anime character. Who is awesome, and not a misogynist (well, okay, except for his miniskirt fetish…). So I automatically disqualify #10 for epic lack of clue.

    #6 and #9 are the only ones I’d be tempted to respond to, which I think is the hallmark of a truly great troll. But the smiley face is strangely endearing…

  37. Thomas
    July 16, 2008 at 3:31 pm

    I mean, maybe some rabbits out there like getting their asses eaten.

    Jill, do you have any idea how close I came to spewing hot cocoa all over my keyboard? It’s a lot tougher to get off than coffee. Really.

  38. July 16, 2008 at 3:32 pm

    If this poll proves anything, it proves that trolls are excellent at ambiguous (and often improper) subject/verb constructions. See: “HOOKERS ARE FUCKING THE WORST FORM OF FEMINISM EVER” and “just because the rabbit desires to be the equal of the wolf doesn’t mean that she won’t get her ass eaten.”

    Inquiring minds want to know: Where are hookers even finding the worst form of feminism ever? And how do the worst forms of feminism ever like to fuck? (Outside of their apparent penchant for getting fucked by hookers). Just curious.

  39. Chel
    July 16, 2008 at 3:34 pm

    I mean, maybe some rabbits out there like getting their asses eaten.

    Thanks Jill, for that. :)

  40. July 16, 2008 at 3:49 pm

    [quote]Inquiring minds want to know: Where are hookers even finding the worst form of feminism ever? And how do the worst forms of feminism ever like to fuck? (Outside of their apparent penchant for getting fucked by hookers). Just curious.[/quote]

    I thought the same thing.

  41. aJenniferOriginal
    July 16, 2008 at 3:54 pm

    I demand a “Sisterhood of the Damned” tee-shirt (ironed of course). And a sammich. And some ass-munching.

  42. JPlum
    July 16, 2008 at 4:00 pm

    Yeah, what if the rabbit is a boy, and the wolf is a girl. I mean, it could happen.

  43. lemur
    July 16, 2008 at 4:03 pm

    Hugebanana is probably compensating for something.

  44. Bushfire
    July 16, 2008 at 4:08 pm

    I voted for “lol boobs” because it was the only one I found funny. I was disappointed with most of them because I didn’t find them particularly creative or interesting- just a lot of recycle anti-feminist and hateful crap that we’ve all heard before. I do give a point to the person who wrote a poem though- that took a little extra effort, and I found the cutting up hookers girl very strange- she appeared to have not read any of this blog- if she had I don’t think she’d be nearly that angry, because there’s nothing here that would make people angry at feminists, particularly women.

  45. July 16, 2008 at 4:13 pm

    I just had to vote for #11- classic, really. 12 just made me sad, and 1… well, someone needs to stop lacing his pot. Is it wrong that “lol boobs” made me LOL? It was too stupid to be remotely threatening.
    And Jill, I too almost had the drink/keyboard issue from your comments. How does one fuck an abstract like “the worst form of feminism ever”? I’ve always wanted to try it.

  46. luzzleanne
    July 16, 2008 at 4:14 pm

    FYI, “Roy Mustang” is actually an anime character. Who is awesome, and not a misogynist (well, okay, except for his miniskirt fetish…). So I automatically disqualify #10 for epic lack of clue.

    Not to mention that Ms. Riza Hawkeye regularly calls his on his crap and can hold her own damn well in a fight (while wearing full military uniform rather than a skimpy outfit). Or that Winry is an amazing mechanical engineer. Like all pop culture products the show has its problems with misogyny, but it’s not exactly anti-feminist. Apparently said troll is only viewing selective scenes.

  47. Femsei
    July 16, 2008 at 4:15 pm

    huge.banana…simply stupid in all its smiley eloquence.

  48. Dr. Dredd
    July 16, 2008 at 4:19 pm

    Tough to choose, but I’m gonna have to go with Huge Bananaman. The “dumb fat bitches” clinched it for me…

  49. Yawgmoth
    July 16, 2008 at 4:23 pm

    Voted Andrew. It’s like if TS Eliot were a flaming moron.

  50. July 16, 2008 at 4:28 pm

    I went with “lol boobs” because I’m easily amused.

  51. Hypatia
    July 16, 2008 at 4:29 pm

    I’m really thinking that Andrew is a fan of John Norman’s Gor books, just saying.

  52. July 16, 2008 at 4:29 pm

    I voted for lol, boobies. Because it actually made me laugh.

  53. July 16, 2008 at 4:37 pm

    Mr. Huge Banana should be disqualified. Didn’t he sent the exact same message to you before, months ago? Or was that another blog? Either way, it’s gone from internet performance art to spamming. Bleah.

    I’d like to keep one of the others for a pet. Either Andrew or ‘fuckyou@yourass’. On the nights I have trouble sleeping, I could listen to Andrew natter on and on from his cage in his flowery and nonsensical prose. Better than sominex! And Andrew’s spittle-aspirating fuckwittery would be a hoot at any party I throw.

  54. July 16, 2008 at 4:41 pm

    “I know you’ve heard it all before

    So I don’t say it anymore

    I just stand by and let you fight your secret war

    And though I used to wonder why

    I used to cry till I was dry

    Still sometimes I get a strange pain inside

    Oh, Joey, if you’re hurting so am I”

    “lol boobs”.

    So beautiful.

  55. Cedar
    July 16, 2008 at 5:00 pm

    i’m going to have to go with fuckyou@yourass.com, if only because he brought the issue of Jill’s early-onset menopause to my attention.

    And all you can do in defense is post in your little blog and other menopausal, unattractive and/or heavyset women will commiserate, because they too belong to the sisterhood of the damned.

    seriously? he clearly hasn’t read a single post here. classic troll-haviour.

  56. Donna
    July 16, 2008 at 5:09 pm

    I voted for 2. Oh, I could read that over and over. If I could judge, I’d give an honourary mention to “lol boobs”. That cracked me up!

    No votes for GWB or Anand so far.

  57. Donna
    July 16, 2008 at 5:20 pm

    Forgot to add: funny how TexxDude projects his vision of hell onto us.

  58. July 16, 2008 at 5:38 pm

    I went with Cuttin’ Up Hookers, but all of these are comedic goldmines (especially when combined with the ANtM image at the top of the post!).

  59. Hysterical Woman
    July 16, 2008 at 5:39 pm

    huge.banana

    I have a warm place in my heart for copy-and-paste cliche’s and ironic handles. <3

  60. July 16, 2008 at 5:42 pm

    Fuckyou@yourass won me over with “And then you awaken from life’s lonely dream to find that Satan is a man, and he is also God.”

    Satan is God. God is man. A man is Satan. God is Satan is man.

    I mean… just… damn, that’s like a Metallica song or something. Boobs, lol.

  61. July 16, 2008 at 5:44 pm

    Huge Banana by a landslide baby yeah!

  62. July 16, 2008 at 5:49 pm

    Jill, this thread gives me such a great LOL. You should do this more often. It brings us a bit of comic relief :)

  63. Tom
    July 16, 2008 at 5:49 pm

    Rudy Ericson needed some representation.

    “NO DOES NOT MEAN NO! Always has, always will”

    Wut?

  64. July 16, 2008 at 5:55 pm

    I went with Huge Banana. Andrew just seemed like one of those thesaurus-obsessed freshman college-newspaper columnists that are always getting skewered over here.

    That said, LOL Boobs is going to be my stage name when I embark on my hip-hop recording career.

  65. exholt
    July 16, 2008 at 5:59 pm

    Dang again.
    Now I feel like I have to go put my action figures away.

    I wonder if transformers and model aircraft are included?

    I second that “Sisterhood of the Damned” sounds awesome.

    fuckyou@yourass.com has obviously read too many Anne Rice novels…..

  66. Gina
    July 16, 2008 at 6:00 pm

    I guess I’m the lone vote for Anand, for the perversity of his shout-out to OBL.

  67. She-cago
    July 16, 2008 at 6:02 pm

    Haha, I also voted for HugeBanana because his wrap-up made me laugh. It was the ‘fat dumb bitches’ smiley combo. Still chuckling…

  68. July 16, 2008 at 6:28 pm

    I voted for Andrew S. and his surrealism.

  69. July 16, 2008 at 6:29 pm

    I had to vote for Joey. I enjoy any mention of boobs.

    *giggles*

  70. July 16, 2008 at 7:12 pm

    Roy Mustang gets my vote, both for his name and the fact that he took the time to write a poem. How romantic!

  71. Daphne B.
    July 16, 2008 at 7:13 pm

    I voted Andrew, but I was tempted by Huge Banana, not for his smiley but for his “Just so you know”. I really appreciate the thoughtfulness there, HB! Thanks for being so concerned!

  72. Cecily
    July 16, 2008 at 7:25 pm

    I can’t believe there isn’t more love for #9. Come on, let’s hear it for brevity, and the crystalline hypocrisy of calling for equal rights whilst using the c-word. It’s like a little flower of asinine self-deception, small enough to pick and enjoy.

  73. July 16, 2008 at 7:30 pm

    I had to go with Joey. I’m a Creative Writing major so I really wanted to vote for Roy Mustang’s poem, but the meter was all fucked up, and I just couldn’t bring myself to do it.

  74. Crissy
    July 16, 2008 at 7:45 pm

    Huge banana- the obvious first choice.

  75. July 16, 2008 at 7:48 pm

    Damn, this is hard. I’m torn between Andrew S. and Roy Mustang. I have no fucking clue what Andrew is talking about, and Roy made most of his poem about goats when I don’t think that was his intention. Is it the feminists or the goats who are all insane and should have their brains removed before going on a boat? Or are only the brains going on that boat? *scratches head* I think I’m going for Roy.

  76. sina
    July 16, 2008 at 8:02 pm

    how can i possibly choose between “militant cunts” and “sisterhood of the damned”? oh sweet jeebus.

  77. Charity
    July 16, 2008 at 8:21 pm

    Totally voted for fuckyou@yourass.com, for “sisterhood of the damned” and for

    “And then you awaken from life’s lonely dream to find that Satan is a man, and he is also God.”

    That is pure gold.

  78. July 16, 2008 at 8:48 pm

    i wanted to vote for joey and his LOL boobs, cos it made me laugh. but i had to vote for the cuttin up hookers girl. just cos anti-feminist women are absurdities.

  79. Dana
    July 16, 2008 at 9:02 pm

    Arg, I am outvoted! I had to go for hater, can you get much more ironic/nonsensical than that??

    …yeah, boobs lol made me laugh

  80. Peter
    July 16, 2008 at 9:16 pm

    I’m getting a visual of a bunch of sweaty, dateless, overweight, alcoholic dudes sitting around in their boxer shorts and surrounded by empty pizza boxes, and trying to relieve their feelings of inadequacy by pounding angry memes on their keyboards.

  81. July 16, 2008 at 10:09 pm

    Oh, the fuckyou@yourass.com entry is just so perfect.

  82. July 16, 2008 at 10:29 pm

    Jill, I thought you weren’t going to feed the trolls, anymore. Ignoring helps. I also ignore people that like my blog. Which might explain the lack of comments.

    I voted Andrew S. There is something to be said about a troll with literary ambitions. Andrew might want to lay off the heavy drugs or he will become the next L. Ron Hubbard.

    I say males should abandon the neo slave mothership and unfurl those sails for lands anew. It seems the real barbarians just have to wait a little while more at the gates, for when the need for old style chivalry arises. I forsake answering the call, for what do I care. My navel is examined, and the vassel that spewed me forth has nurtured too many clones.

    Xenu, John Travolta awaits your return.

  83. Barr
    July 16, 2008 at 10:37 pm

    To: Peter. The image is appreciated, but for the sake of acuity:

    No, I have no idea what size these guys are. I don’t know of any correlation between sweat gland design and bad posts on the internet.

    Many of them may have dates, in fact, most of these guys are probably overly concerned with reaffirming their masculinity through their sexuality, ergo more pressure to have a date. I would say you’re correct in that last clause there:

    “trying to relieve their feelings of inadequacy by pounding angry memes on their keyboards”

    that says it more succinctly than I ever could. More often than not, if I get into a long conversation with a guy who has a problem with my feminism, it’ll come out that he’s still angry about that girl who made him feel like less of a man by dumping him or insulting him, or that step mom who made him feel like shit. He previously based his self-worth off his masculinity, and needed to invalidate her assessment to feel good about himself, and societal misogyny was a convenient tool that was right there. They’re a girl, and girls don’t know anything… Possible feelings of confusion, guilt, or low self-worth can all be swept away with anger, bitterness and mistrust.

  84. Torri
    July 16, 2008 at 10:41 pm

    “But who will take care of your cat?”

    …but I have dogs…

    ‘sisterhood of the damned’ sounds like something I’ll have to use for a club or in Rock Band or some such XD

  85. Mnemosyne
    July 16, 2008 at 11:49 pm

    I had to go with our pal fuckyou since that was the one that made me laugh out loud.

    That, and Bloix’s completely accurate assessment of Mike’s verbal stylings. Now I’m expecting him to ask for directions to the zebra pen.

  86. July 16, 2008 at 11:58 pm

    This was a tough one, but I have to say huge banana has it all. Weird wolf/rabbit rimjob images, the assertion that women spend the majority of their lives running from mice… Even without the smiley, I heart huge banana.

    Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to get over myself personally and be instructed by my serpents.

    lol.

    boobs.

  87. July 17, 2008 at 12:08 am

    Roy gets it, because bad verse is always worthy.

  88. July 17, 2008 at 12:34 am

    Andrew S wins because of his pretentiousness. Dumb people who think they’re smart are always good for a laugh.

  89. Jen
    July 17, 2008 at 12:46 am

    I say males should abandon the neo slave mothership and unfurl those sails for lands anew… My navel is examined, and the vassel that spewed me forth has nurtured too many clones.

    I can just picture some self-righteous dude so impressed by his pedantic asshatery as he pushes the “submit comment” button with flourish. This wonderful mix of misogyny and hallucinogens in a rant obviously inspired by fantasy mythology is just precious. I do, however, want to get Roy a cookie for his cut ‘n paste limerick.

  90. The Amazing Kim
    July 17, 2008 at 1:10 am

    Out of curiosity, will the ultimate winner of this contest win any sort of prize/award/trophy? ;)

    boobs. lol.

    I have not laughed so hard in days.

  91. romham
    July 17, 2008 at 1:49 am

    “Peter says: I’m getting a visual of a bunch of sweaty, dateless, overweight, alcoholic dudes sitting around in their boxer shorts and surrounded by empty pizza boxes, and trying to relieve their feelings of inadequacy by pounding angry memes on their keyboards.”

    hey Peter, check the fatphobia please. this is supposed to be fun.

  92. timothynakayama
    July 17, 2008 at 2:05 am

    I chose Andrew, simply because I want to have whatever he’s having.
    But yes, the Joey guy came in a close second…. who knew two words could be so funny?

    I’m getting a visual of a bunch of sweaty, dateless, overweight, alcoholic dudes sitting around in their boxer shorts and surrounded by empty pizza boxes, and trying to relieve their feelings of inadequacy by pounding angry memes on their keyboards.

    Why boxer shorts and not tighty-whiteys?

  93. July 17, 2008 at 2:14 am

    I had to go w/ huge banana…b/c ya know, adding a smiley totally negates being a douche bag. Right?

    This is more fun than last time. Either the trolls or evolving or we are just so used to it that only the really over the top stuff amuses us anymore. Either way, they at least are getting a little more creative.

  94. LittleMac
    July 17, 2008 at 9:09 am

    This is probably too late in the thread to matter, but Roy Mustang’s “poem” is actually a song from a sketch on Conan, where the ghost of an old country singer appears, tells Conan that he was murdered and doesn’t know why, and then sings a bunch of his songs, which are all really offensive.

    In the context of the troll competition, I’m not sure if citing a piece of work that ironically ridicules sexists literally should earn him points or demerits.

  95. prairielily
    July 17, 2008 at 10:41 am

    I had to go with huge banana. It was hard, though… I should really get points for being able to click and vote with that mental image of MICE in my brain.

    Actually… I’ve always been terrified of snakes, and therefore kind of identify with mice, and getting eaten. Should I be afraid of my fellow mice, especially since (unlike Jill – you deviant!) I don’t like having my ass eaten?

  96. Mnemosyne
    July 17, 2008 at 10:57 am

    With their 0 votes, I suspect that Rudy and GWB will just add this to their list of grievances about Those Goddamn Feminists … Why Won’t They Fuck Me?

  97. July 17, 2008 at 11:57 am

    It seems the real barbarians just have to wait a little while more at the gates, for when the need for old style chivalry arises.

    Despite the fact it doesn’t say old style Chevy, Andrew gets my vote, no contest.

  98. Roving Thundercloud
    July 17, 2008 at 12:26 pm

    Sigh…whatever happened to “get me a beer?”

    Anyway, in the troll-y world of patriarchy, you don’t VOTE for who is the dominant asshole, you just PROVE THAT YOU ARE the dominant asshole. Silly feminists, with their consensus-building and democratic voting!

  99. Roving Thundercloud
    July 17, 2008 at 12:29 pm

    Oh noooooooooo…I punctuated that wrong! Someone please fix–must be that wonderful troll typing style getting through to me.

  100. July 17, 2008 at 12:40 pm

    I’m so excited about this contest i’ve accidentally submitted empty comments twice.

    I had to go for fuckyou@yourass.com. Passion, confusion, clever instructive email address & mini theology lesson: what more could you want?

    And as someone who does have to iron her clothes every day (damn cotton trousers), I have some sympathy for the domestically challenged. I can say from experience though, that there are more fun and efficient ways to get someone to help you out with that than yelling on the internet. But they require charm and the willing exchange of services, two concepts sorely lacking among our contestants.

  101. July 17, 2008 at 12:59 pm

    # Peter says:
    July 16th, 2008 at 9:16 pm – Edit

    I’m getting a visual of a bunch of sweaty, dateless, overweight, alcoholic dudes sitting around in their boxer shorts and surrounded by empty pizza boxes, and trying to relieve their feelings of inadequacy by pounding angry memes on their keyboards.

    hey. watch it dude. collateral damage. ;)

  102. July 17, 2008 at 1:44 pm

    My vote goes to Cuttin’ Up Hookers for consummate ticking of troll-boxes: punctuational incompetence, complete blithering idiocy, repeated playing of the ‘Haven’t You Got Better Things To Do’ card with entirely unperceived irony and that surreal “genre of sex workers” phrase. Genre?

    While CUH wins my vote on merit alone, I’m also pleased to see a woman reaching the top echelons of trolldom at last. Well done!

  103. exholt
    July 17, 2008 at 1:56 pm

    # Peter says:
    July 16th, 2008 at 9:16 pm – Edit

    I’m getting a visual of a bunch of sweaty, dateless, overweight, alcoholic dudes sitting around in their boxer shorts and surrounded by empty pizza boxes, and trying to relieve their feelings of inadequacy by pounding angry memes on their keyboards.

    hey. watch it dude. collateral damage. ;)

    And you’ve forgot to include those who deal with their feelings of inadequacy and bitterness not by sitting around….but by working long long hours at their jobs….and if in a senior enough position….requiring that same level of workaholicism in their subordinates to spread around the misery in order to get back at the world for their bitterness……at least that’s one theory I’m throwing out there…..

  104. Bitter Scribe
    July 17, 2008 at 2:59 pm

    I’m glad to see that Huge Banana is still leading. Anyone who’s insecure enough to use that in his e-mail handle needs all the validation, in whatever form, he can get.

  105. exholt
    July 17, 2008 at 4:20 pm

    I’m glad to see that Huge Banana is still leading. Anyone who’s insecure enough to use that in his e-mail handle needs all the validation, in whatever form, he can get.

    Agreed….banana addicts tend to be quite an obnoxious nasty bunch….especially when economic conditions have made certain delicacies like banana splits the exclusive joy of the well-off …… ;)

  106. Pipkin
    July 17, 2008 at 5:04 pm

    lol boobs ftw!

  107. Hershele Ostropoler
    July 17, 2008 at 6:27 pm

    I’m not menopausal, heavyset, or a woman.

    Jury’s still out on unattractive.

  108. July 17, 2008 at 7:27 pm

    TexxDude. almost made it for me. He’s got misogynist asshole covered, and being a Christofascist and neoconfederate were nice touches, But saying “you people that read this site ” instead of “you dikes that read this site puts him out of the medals. I’ll have to go with the boobs guy.

  109. K
    July 18, 2008 at 7:41 am

    I voted Andrew S. He sounds like a tortured artist – and if he comes near me he certainly will be!

    (Disclaimer: I do not condone violence or torture of either gender).

  110. Morganna
    July 18, 2008 at 12:33 pm

    I picked Roy Mustang, in part because he has sullied the good name of my favorite character from Full Metal Alchemist…but also for his interesting brand of poetic assholeitude.

  111. Cait
    July 18, 2008 at 2:58 pm

    Is it just me, or does fuckyou@yourass.com‘s sound too much like a finely tuned, overly detailed sexual fantasy to truly be just your average troll comment? He probably waited for DAYS for the right time to share his dreams with us! How flattering!

  112. Lorelei
    July 18, 2008 at 3:17 pm

    i voted for anand because his beautifully reasoned conclusion about the military made me LOL.

  113. Cathexis
    July 18, 2008 at 3:32 pm

    Huge.Banana (compensate much?) is right: We shall never be his equals.

    Unless we suffer some debilitating head injury, of course. ;-D

  114. Lala
    July 18, 2008 at 6:52 pm

    As a veteran troll connoisseur I will have to say that HOOKERS ARE FUCKING THE WORST FORM OF FEMINISM EVER has made my day, if not my week.

  115. prairielily
    July 19, 2008 at 12:02 am

    A day has passed, and now I’m a little sad that I voted for huge banana. Cutting Up Hookers has so much invested in being better than all the boys! And we’re just going to let her not win. How will she validate herself if she’s not better than the boys at being a troll?

    The poor, poor thing…

  116. July 20, 2008 at 10:48 pm

    This is probably too late in the thread to matter, but Roy Mustang’s “poem” is actually a song from a sketch on Conan, where the ghost of an old country singer appears, tells Conan that he was murdered and doesn’t know why, and then sings a bunch of his songs, which are all really offensive.

    Everything about Conan matters! How can someone be both a Conan fan and an asshole? Damn you, Roy Mustang!!!

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