It’s that moment you’ve all been waiting for. We started out with twelve contestants. Only three remain. And tonight, we will decide who will become Feministe’s Next Top Troll.
The finalists:
1. A man who lists his email address as “huge.banana10@yahoo.com“:
All you crazy cunts need to get a clue. Women are not mentally capable of ruling. Hell you can barely think straight enough to drive cars. The rest of the time you spend running from mice. Just so you know – you will never be equal. It’s like this – just because the rabbit desires to be the equal of the wolf doesn’t mean that she won’t get her ass eaten. Stop dreaming of “being equal” and start ironing shirts!!! You dumb fat bitches. :)
2. A young man who leaves the creative email address “fuckyou@yourass.com.” Brilliant!
It must suck to be you, and to find something that offends you in every movie, every ad, every facet of your life, because everyone hates you and is against you. And all you can do in defense is post in your little blog and other menopausal, unattractive and/or heavyset women will commiserate, because they too belong to the sisterhood of the damned. But their life sucks, too, and their approval merely reinforces the fact you are a loveless, joyless, bitter person, full of resentments and perceived wrongs against yourself and your class, and for whom death will be a blessed relief from this coil of anguish and unfairness. But who will take care of your cat?
And then you awaken from life’s lonely dream to find that Satan is a man, and he is also God. And he tells you to go iron his fucking shirt, no sexual release needed babe, thanks anyway, just get those shirts. I have breeder quality girls for that, you’re on the ironing and housekeeping team, hun, just like last life..
3. From a post about “Cuttin’ Up Hookers” t-shirts, from a person who is clearly much smarter than all of us:
what the fuck is wrong with you, get over yourselves personally i like the shirts and i think you all just dont have enough to do with your life except think about things like why a shirt shouldnt be distributed, dude im a strong girl and a smart girl hell im probably smarter than all of you dumbass ‘FEMINISTE’ it boggles my mind that this website exists go to hell i hate people like you fuckers feminism is such farce and so are all of you, youre like the man haters from pcu, oh yeah you guys probably dont watch movies or mainstream television bc its sexist, i put boys in their places the right way, by being better than them at everything, and you just bitch about cuttin up hookers? go alex, you win i think your clothes are awesome and all of you dumb ass people are just too self involved to get that HOOKERS ARE FUCKING THE WORST FORM OF FEMINISM EVER so cuttin them up metaphorically, satirically, figuratively would be the BEST thing you could hope for, cut up the whole goddamn genre of sex workers, oh wait youre just too dumb to think of that right?
Who will it be? Vote below.
{ 49 comments }
I’m coo-coo for crazy cunts!
Voted for #2 as the phrase “Sisterhood of the damned” and the rest of the spiel seems to be a mishmash of plots from various Anne Rice novels/movie.
I did think that “this coil of anguish and unfairness” was pretty poetic for a troll.
I’ll go for #2 on the strength of the email address alone.
Why aren’t there no more votes for #3??? I am shocked. #3 is the definition of amazing. Go #3!!!
Oh no. I have to think about this one for a while. #2 gets points for the effort, but #3 wins the sheer stupidity and incoherence contest. How to choose . . .
I reiterate what I said last time:
Huge Banana should definitely get a point…because putting a smiley face after calling them names makes everything HAPPY! Unfortunately his use of tired old insults results in the deduction of 250 million points.
Fuck You did equate God and Satan which makes me smile, so one point should be awarded. However, he failed to realize that I would hit God-tan *with* the iron before I’d join hell’s maintenance team, so minus 2 points there.
Cuttin’ Up Hookers has that brilliant mix of “I hate you” and “I’m one of you” that screams “IDIOT.” Co-opting the feminist movement into one that approves of violence against women so long as the women in question are the “evil” sex workers was a stroke of genius. In addition the author was clearly channeling writers like Faulkner who find that strict adherence to rules on punctuation distracts from the internal narration.
I demand creativity and incomprehensible feats of illogic…Thus Cuttin’ Up Hookers is the clear winner.
Alright, alright — Kristen convinced me. #3 it is.
God fucking dammit!! I am enraged that “lol boobs” didn’t make it to the finals!! I am withholding my vote in a fit of pique!
I vote for #2 because he cares about the cat. Who *will* take care of the cat? This is an important question.
Go Huge Banana and his smiley face self!!!!!
I voted for #3. Those were two of the longest run-on sentences that I’ve ever seen. Impressive!
just out of curiosity, why does either satan or god need some many shirts ironed? i mean, seriously, i would think that satan would have a never-ending supply of shirts made of human skin, pain and hellfire.
and god should also have a constant supply of shirts made from angel wings, celestial singing voices and unicorn mane.
what’s up?
LOL! Wow second time around I’m having a much harder time of deciding…
A good troll needs to find the sweet spot between the batshit irrational, the totally offensive, and a touch of reasonableness that is the “bait.” huge banana and cutting have jumped over the line to just flaming. fuckyou with his mix of offense, rhetoric, and huh? is most likely to kick off a thread derail.
It’s still Huge Banana for me. That line about the rabbit and the wolf cracks me up every time.
#3. Because apparently, she’s right? I AM just too self involved to get that HOOKERS ARE FUCKING THE WORST FORM OF FEMINISM EVER.
And that is, really, why we feminists are so dumb, isn’t it? Because we haven’t thought to cut up the whole goddamn genre of sex workers yet. (Although, when I read that, I’m just a little speechless…I mean, talk about reinventing the wheel? Because, well, like NO ONE has ever thought to cut up sex workers, right? Why do the feminists have to do it? Everyone else has thought of it, or done it, already, right? Movies, television, REAL FUCKING LIFE…really, if the feminists are going to start slicing up sex workers, we’ll have to stand in line). When are we feminists going to realize, she’s asking, that it is just So Much Better To Hate Women? Especially icky women like Hookers and their whole, um, genre.
The stupid and the evil just shine through that comment. The self-loathing underscores an internalized madonna-whore complex that would make my sixth grade religion (and health!) teacher PROUD. She rails against feminism and, in so doing, demonstrates just how pervasive and violent misogyny is.
Love.
(I give a point to hugebanana, though, because “You dumb fat bitches” has a classic, simple appeal, doesn’t it?)
I finally voted for the Huge Banana since in the end all he wants is to see us stupid bitches being happy but damn, it’s a close call…
I finally just realized why Huge Banana sounds so familiar – I was thinking of Hand Banana from Aqua Teen.
I still love Cuttin Up Hookers. Although all three of these represent top-notch trollery.
I’m thinking that #3 loses points because he didn’t manage to fit in some fatphobia in there with his misogyny.
I had to go with #2 for the excellent cat joke in addition to the assertion that not only is Satan male, he is also God. Thank the FSM for that peice of Troll Gold.
huge.banana10@yahoo.com’s ending smiley-face is a nice touch, but he’s trying too hard. It’s a little to cut-and-paste. fuckyou@yourass.com is kind of the same; the whole shirt-ironing is so last year, but he gets major points for his theophany that “Satan is a man, and he is also God.” I mean, wow. But “Cuttin’ Up Hookers” just takes the game to a whole new level.
Write-in vote for “boobs. lol”.
wow! #3 for using ALL CAPS! <3
BOOBS! lol.
I still think that none of these trolls really shines- they’re all pretty generic. We should get better trolls. I’m not sure who to vote for yet- it’s wary of Cuttin’ Up Hookerz because I’m suspicious that it was actually a man writing that and using a female name. Although, I think that one wins in terms of stupidity. S/he is amazed that we’ve never thought of cutting up hookers, which is weird because if she had EVER heard ANYTHING about feminism, she’d be aware that feminists don’t advocate violence against women.
It’s like the sky is green.
lol boobs.
You know I had to change my vote in this round from hugebanana to cuttin’ up hookers- it’s just so frothing raving lol. Even though, yes, still love that ‘you dumb fat bitches :)’
I voted for tiny peanu-I mean, huge.banana. The smiley face was that little extra touch, the wolf/rabbit thing cracked me up too & I always wonder: what makes that rodent think HE’s the wolf?
Ah but the sheer poetic irony of his email address -that was extra special. Yep! Tiny peanut for me! ;P
I had to go with fuckyou just because I couldn’t go with “huge.banana10.” I mean, if you’re not “huge.banana” or “huge.banana1,” why should I waste my time? and cuttin’ up hookers lost my vote on punctuation– it took me a moment to read “HOOKERS ARE FUCKING THE WORST FORM OF FEMINISM EVER” the way it was intended, rather than as a claim that people who patronize prostitutes are, Platonically speaking, the worst form of feminism. fuckyou won me over with the lyrical quality of his trollishness. and the concern for my cat…
no one mentioned transgender woman;( i voted Number 1 for the crazzzey c’s
In the initial round, I voted for number two because of his fabulous e-mail address. However, looking over the three finalists, I had to vote for number three. It’s so passionate and unhinged. I had to respect it.
…cut up the whole goddamn genre of sex workers, oh wait youre just too dumb to think of that right?
Truly, a question for the ages.
I vote for huge banana. Because I run from mice as I’m feeding them to my snakes. … Right.
huge.banana10@yahoo.com
fuckyou@yourass.com.”
LOL
These email addresses still crack me up. These dudes clearly aren’t MIT grads.
Conservatives are so predictable. I gotta vote for the yourass.com dude simply on the sheer brilliance of his email.
I’m going to find a way to fit “yourass.com” and “lol boobs” into regular conversation.
“Hey Lauren, what are you doing today?”
“YOUR ASS DOT COM!”
There has to be a better way, but I’m busy snorting.
#2. B/c even though I don’t have a cat, I wondered allowed
“OMG, Who will take care of my cat?!”
what the fuck is wrong with you, get over yourselves personally i like the shirts and i think you all just dont have enough to do with your life except think about things like why a shirt shouldnt be distributed, dude im a strong girl and a smart girl hell im probably smarter than all of you dumbass ‘FEMINISTE’ it boggles my mind that this website exists go to hell i hate people like you fuckers feminism is such farce and so are all of you, youre like the man haters from pcu, oh yeah you guys probably dont watch movies or mainstream television bc its sexist, i put boys in their places the right way, by being better than them at everything, and you just bitch about cuttin up hookers?
Crap, I should have voted for this dude.
Is this even English?
This sounds like it came from a 14 year old boy on a major crack binge…total stream of consciousness stuff; it literally made my head hurt trying to figure out what the fuck he was saying.
Good stuff there…hard to pick a clear winner with the whole use of cliched stereotypes about feminists and lack of sentence structure/punctuation. Even whilst on a low-IQ rant, good manners and literacy expects the structure of correct usage be followed. I agree that the third author is probably a teenaged boy…though self-hating women are all too prevalent.
*sigh* Too bad the trolls have NO IDEA how hot the women they are insulting can be, and how much some of us really love men and sex…we just want to have half of the say of what’s going on, or at least trade off top/bottom when we feel like it. And sometimes our cats even watch! It’s hard-core…
I voted for CUH in the heats, but this time I noticed the sublime beauty of the sentence “The rest of the time you spend running from mice,” evoking as it does a world where half the population spend their waking hours sprinting and shrieking, pursued by hordes of savage mice.
He spoils the effect rather with the rabbit/wolf thing in the next paragraph, though. With that AND the mice, he merely comes across as obsessed with small mammals and the power of the mental image is lost. Hmm. I’m torn.
I’m really sad that my man, Huge Banana, appears to be losing. I had such high hopes for him. That smiley face alone is priceless.
After I wiped up the cherry Pepsi that norbizness made me snort onto my monitor, I decided to vote for Cutting Up Hookers. I was impressed with fuckyou’s writing…however, true trolls don’t write that well, and he must be denied.
OMG – I will never get tired of anti-troll humor.
I love this thread!
I’m always a sucker for the theologians, though MissPrism makes an excellent point wrt mental imagry.
what i would like to know is why trolls consistently write in run-on sentences.
Huge banana 10 has a nice ring to it, and I like the smiley, but it doesn’t quite cut it. Cutting up hookers is just threatening, no fun at all. In the end I went with FuckYou for his faux concern. (The answer to who will feed your cats when you’re dead is – you. At least for a few days ;-) )
In summary, we need better trolls. These aren’t even int the same series as last years winner, tony. Maybe an open trolling day to see if someone will come by?
The third one is just depressing. The second one actually disturbed me a little. Maybe it was the comment about the cat, because I actually considered him when I thought about killing myself. Ouch, man. Either he’s reading my mind, or he had the same thoughts.
“But who will take care of your cat?” and “sisterhood of the damned” always makes me laugh. People who try to sound smart because they know that what they’re really saying is so stupid always makes me laugh.
I’m so jealous, the best I’ve had for ages was a bit of a you-just-need-a-damn-good-seeing-to and some female journo from the Sunday Times claiming I was “too intellectual to brush my hair” (I’m not sure that’s even an insult!). Those three must have a combined penis length measured in nano-milimetres. Thanks for linking to me the other day by the way (on US defense contractors), I had a little boost in traffic and it cheered me up no end.
I voted for #3 just because of how upset it made me personally.
Signed,
A Former Sex Worker (Who luckily never had anyone try to “Cut her up”, and fuck you for suggesting I should be dismembered, you fucking shit.)
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