How Not to Get it On

Megan has a pretty good round-up, but as a connoisseur of horrible dates that make excellent stories, I’ll add a few:

1. Don’t tell me, on a first date, about the time you pooped your pants on the Jenny Jones Show when you were performing the commercial outro with your Rick James cover band. Don’t tell me that on a tenth date. Just keep that one to yourself. (Yes, I understand it was a really intense note, but still).

2. If you have a child, that’s probably a good thing to mention early on. However, if your child is closer to my age than you are, it’s probably inappropriate for you to be asking me out.

3. When you figure out that the feminism thing is one of my interests, it’s probably best to say something other than “So do you hate men?” The truth is, I do kind of hate the ones who ask me that.

4. If it’s 11pm on a Saturday night and I tell you that I have to leave because I need to go to the library and study, I am lying (badly) in order to get away from you. If an excuse to end the date is transparent and horrible, don’t ask to share a cab with me or insist on walking me to my next destination. We both know what’s going on. Accept it, and move on. At least the night is young.

5. Don’t pull the feminist card on me when I won’t hook up with you. “You know Jill, there was this little thing called the Sexual Revolution…” is not a particularly good strategy. Neither is asking me how much money you have to spend before sex is on the table.

6. Don’t tell me — especially on a first date — that you’re actually mostly attracted to men, but you want the house in Connecticut and the white picket fence and the golden retriever and the kids, so you date women, despite your total lack of sexual or romantic interest in them. (No, adding “But I give great oral sex!” doesn’t help).

7. A few years back, were you a married Mormon dude in Utah with a few kids? Did you play in a seven-person band that consisted entirely of your immediate family? Maybe mention that up front. But perhaps don’t go into the details of your messy divorce from your wife, who you believe is a “huge bitch.”

8. Don’t bring your little brother along when we go out. Definitely don’t ask me to take him out on a Friday night, because you’re going away for the weekend and you don’t want to leave him alone. He is 20. He’ll be fine.

9. Don’t tell me you know “this great little Italian place” and then take me to the Olive Garden.

10. If we start discussing our reading habits, it’s probably not brilliant to say, “I don’t read.” However, if you’re going to say “I don’t read,” it is even less brilliant to add, “But I thought The Da Vinci Code was really smart. But I think the movie was way better than the book.” That’s basically the equivalent of listing The Bible as your favorite book in your Facebook profile. Or The Da Vinci Code, for that matter.

What are your major learned-from-experience dating no-no’s? And, more importantly, can you beat the “I dated a guy who pooped his pants on Jenny Jones” story?

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224 comments for “How Not to Get it On

  1. Bagel-san
    September 19, 2008 at 12:54 am

    I’m sort of horrified that those are all based on true stories. :p I can’t beat any of that!

    “If it’s 11pm on a Saturday night and I tell you that I have to leave because I need to go to the library and study, I am lying (badly) in order to get away from you.”

    This one, sadly, is not true for me. Ah, the life of working-on-a-thesis…

  2. September 19, 2008 at 12:55 am

    Jill, I swear I remember the aww-hell-no statement word for word: “I have a friend that says once you mess with a big girl, you don’t want the skinny ones no more. I bet those thick thighs keep it hot and juicy.”

    On a first date.

    One of the reasons I’m embarking on year two of the sabbatical-from-dating with no plans to go back in the near future.

  3. Manju
    September 19, 2008 at 12:56 am

    Well, I was at an oyster bar watching the US Open recently when a woman from California sat next to me and offered me her oysters…which in and off itself is an event if you’re a man.

    Well we got to talking and she said she helped men get out of abusive relationships for a living, which I thought interesting. I asked her what feminists thought of that and she said she hated feminist because (i forgot why). So, I figured she was Republican and asked her what she thought of Palin but she hated her too. Obama? Ditto (because he doesn’t look anyone in the eye).

    So when my friend went to the bathroom she asked me out…for breakfast (no it wasn’t an invitation for sex, she was serious about breakfast.)

    Lesson: beer chugging, oyster eating men don’t do breakfast.

  4. Manju
    September 19, 2008 at 1:09 am

    Oh, another time I was running down the street b/c I was late for a restaurant reservation (apparently this is all I do) when a woman jumped in front of me and asked me if I wanted to have coffee with her. She must have been mentally disturbed b/c there really isn’t any other explanation.

    Nonetheless, sane men do this all the time. I saw a guy in Harlem the other day try to offer a woman (she was really hot) an ice cream cone. didn’t get him anywhere.

    lesson: no offering food to strangers on the street.

  5. Manju
    September 19, 2008 at 1:24 am

    oh, another time i was in a restaurant (yeah, again) and we happened to be sitting next to Queen Latifah. My friend asked to kiss her hand and she actually obliged, but then turned around immediately.

    Lesson: better to just treat celebrities like normal people.

  6. September 19, 2008 at 1:28 am

    Don’t tell me you know “this great little Italian place” and then take me to the Olive Garden.

    Oh, now you’re just making shit up.

  7. stonebiscuit
    September 19, 2008 at 1:29 am

    I can’t beat that, no. But I dated a guy who broke rule 8) “Don’t bring your little brother along when we go out,” repeatedly. While I’m not aware of his ever pooping his pants on Jenny Jones, he did poop every night that I slept over. I have nothing against pooping, but that doesn’t mean I wanted to hear him grunting/sighing/pooping VERY LOUDLY for ten minutes just before getting into bed with me.

  8. September 19, 2008 at 1:39 am

    The first time we have sex, don’t ask me to indulge your taboo and vaguely gross kink. If that’s your kink, that’s your kink — keep it safe, sane, and consensual and I’m not gonna judge — but recognize that the odds of partners being into that are EXTREMELY LOW, and the whole “I’m not into this, but I will consider doing it for you anyway” thing doesn’t kick in until I already know you’re a worthwhile partner and lover. I’m probably never going to pee in your mouth, babe, but I’m DEFINITELY not going to do it right outta the gate.

  9. Manju
    September 19, 2008 at 1:44 am

    a couple of years back we found ourselves at a david lee roth after-concert party at the W hotel in times square. we were talking to a couple of dominatrices when a well known actor (who’ll go unnamed, but is know as quite handsome but in real life has a fat face) started being quite rude and weird towards them, asking them to show him their feet and such.

    Apparently not intoxicated by celebrity, they asked us to go to the other end of the bar with them where they showed us…their feet. Magnificent.

    Lesson: romance is not sales; you often get what you don’t ask for. Also, dominatrices are like celebrities (see lesson in #5).

  10. September 19, 2008 at 1:57 am

    How about – Don’t burst into tears when you realize, six months after we’ve started dating, that you cannot turn me into a biker babe. If it’s so important for you to date a woman that rides, important enough to get worked up enough to shed tears, then you should probably only be asking out women who already ride in the first place.

    And two years later, when you’ve given me a motorcycle that I specifically asked you not to ever buy me, and I haven’t learned how to ride it, and you want to break up with me over it, don’t tell me that you would have done it sooner “if someone wasn’t always dying of cancer.” Also, super crass to say just one month after I lost my sister to cervical cancer.


  11. piehat
    September 19, 2008 at 2:00 am

    I definitely can’t beat that. But:

    [a] Don’t act like you just want to be friends and then [b] obsessively mention my boyfriend in a fishing-for-info type of way in every single conversation we have and every voice mail you leave me. [c] Don’t call me drunk on a Sunday night when two brief conversations constitute the entirety of our acquaintance. And [d] don’t make me remind you of my name every time we speak. Most importantly, [e] do not fucking call me by the wrong name when you’re calling me from your cell phone which has the correct name listed right there in your contact list and I’ve already told you my name like six times.

    (All the same person. And I keep running into him around town, but he’s got the plausible-deniability thing going on because of (a) and (b) above, so I’m not even sure it would work to tell him I’m not interested.)

  12. prairielily
    September 19, 2008 at 2:01 am

    Let’s see…

    1) Don’t take the liberal Canadian to see the laser show at Stone Mountain. By the time they have the lasers projecting a fluttering American flag over Stonewall and Lee with “Proud to be an American” playing in the background, she’ll be terrified, horrified, and desperate to go home.

    2) Don’t tell me how much you love East Indian women and that your last three girlfriends were all East Indian.

    3) Do NOT try to talk over me and constantly interrupt me. Also, make sure you’re actually right when you try to snottily correct me by telling me that it’s “supercede” and not “supersede.”

    4) Don’t imply in a thousand little ways that my culture and family are inferior to yours. Addendum: Being a liberal man does NOT give you a pass on sexist or racist behaviour.

    5) If I make a passing reference to SR-71 being a jet, don’t grab on it, act shocked that a GIRL knows that it’s a jet, comment that it must be a fluke, try to quiz me on other planes, and then when I get pissed off and tell you to fuck off because I have nothing to prove to your gender-stereotyping ass, snap at me like I’m in the wrong for not wanting to play a round of “Prove You’re Worthy!”

    Random side note… I think we should create a game of “Prove You’re Worthy!” in much the same way as the anti-feminist bingo card. I think most people here are familiar with what I’m talking about.

  13. evil fizz
    September 19, 2008 at 2:02 am

    I went on a date with a guy who was 34 and kept repeating that I was the smartest person he’d met since college. He then wanted to know what a smart person thought of the Da Vinci Code

  14. Laurie J
    September 19, 2008 at 2:04 am

    Good idea: telling me you were an artist and have an MA.
    Bad idea: extolling the virtues of your art that included painting with various bodily fluids.

    I have no problem with menstrual blood in a clinical/appropriate setting, but for the love of little fluffy kittens, I was eating lasagna.

  15. evil fizz
    September 19, 2008 at 2:06 am

    Oh, and I must share a friend of mine’s text message from a date: ” can’t remember if we were safe. Maybe you should take plan B. Thoughts?”

  16. Natalie
    September 19, 2008 at 2:12 am

    “Don’t tell me that you would have done it sooner “if someone wasn’t always dying of cancer.” Also, super crass to say just one month after I lost my sister to cervical cancer.

    PeggyLuWho, I am so sorry that happened to you, that is horrible.

    Mine are both fairly recent.

    Don’t pester a girl for her number and when she declines say: “I’m actually sort of famous, so here’s my number, you can call me after you google me.”
    Really, if you’re that famous I wouldn’t need to google.

    A different guy kept asking me out on the street, and at some point he asked my name, and not being very deft yet at the firm NO, I told him, and he said, “Ah I’m already inside you.”
    “My name, Tal, is inside your name.”


  17. September 19, 2008 at 2:13 am

    My dating experience isn’t exactly extensive, but I can come up with some.

    If you drop by the apartment of your married friends while he is not home and she is having lunch, and she offers you food – it is not a date.

    Even if it were a date, it is entirely inappropriate to propose marriage on a first date. And no, offering a $3000/month allowance is not going to make things better.

    And from an actual boyfriend, with actual dating involved:

    It goes over poorly to profess undying love to your girlfriend on a daily basis, while simultaneously calling her Hippo Hips to all and sundry and repeatedly reminding her that you’re the only boy in school who would be willing to hang out with someone so awful.

  18. September 19, 2008 at 2:42 am

    Don’t break up with me (while making harsh comments about my family’s recent string of bad luck with cancer) and then leave pictures of me on your MySpace with captions that say “this I will miss.”

  19. September 19, 2008 at 2:54 am

    “I’m in Al-Quaeda and I’m in Belgium to kill the US ambassador” is not a good pick-up line. No, not even if the woman you’re trying it on is reading a book on (the history of) the IRA. No, really.

    Also (different bloke), the proper reaction to “You’re nice and all, but I don’t like boys that way” is not “Oh. [pause] Well, I have a sister …” Or maybe it is — I was certainly tempted to go with to see how he’d explain that one to his sister. (“Look, sis, I gotyou a lesbian!”)

  20. Finn
    September 19, 2008 at 3:00 am

    Can’t beat poop, nope. But I can add:

    1. If this is a blind date and we’ve never met before, and the evening has been horrific and wrenching conversation from you is like pulling teeth, and I have already begged out of every attempt you’ve made to arrange a second date, and it’s almost midnight on a weeknight, don’t ask me if I want to come back to your place “for a drink.” You’re just making the drive back to my car even MORE awkward.

    2. If we were sort of friends before but this is our first actual Date, don’t let one of your friends guilt you into inviting him along. Especially not your loudmouth sexist asshole friend. And if you somehow do, don’t let him change the plan so we wind up eating at *McDonald’s*.

    3. Don’t sandwich a pick-up line in between two insults.

    4. If we’re just acquaintances from school/work, don’t act like you know me better than my friends when you eventually meet them in order to convince me I should go out with you.

    5. Special notice to 98% of the guys on dating sites: Reacting to the mentions of my feminism in my profile by messaging me to tell me how I “just need a man to put me in my place” will just get your unfunny ass blocked.

    6. Don’t tell me the girl you cheated on me with – your ex girlfriend – is a “hamburger” but I’m “filet minon.” Just get the fuck out.

  21. Karin
    September 19, 2008 at 3:24 am

    [a] Don’t tell me on the first date that you love to give oral sex and then spread imaginary cheeks with your hands and wag your tongue around – in the middle of the restaurant we’re sitting in.

    [b] Don’t start crying when I tell you on the first date that I’m not THAT into you and then tell me that you look at my picture every night before you go to sleep. Creeeepy (We met online and the crying happend on the first date IRL)

    [c] Don’t tell me that you normally don’t date big girls, but in your experience they give reaaaally good head. And don’t grin an me saying that.

  22. Karin
    September 19, 2008 at 3:31 am

    Almost forgot this gem:

    [d] Don’t tell me about your penis operation en detail on the first date, especially while I am in the middle of eating dinner. I really don’t want to know that it’s not bad hygiene on your part that bacteria clogged up your penis.

  23. September 19, 2008 at 4:20 am

    When you figure out that the feminism thing is one of my interests, it’s probably best to say something other than “So do you hate men?”

    Oh God, I slept with a guy who did this, worst mistake of my life. He would also say things like, “You know…I like your face better in profile,” and “Are you just jealous because I’ve slept with girls who are hotter than you?” The six weeks it took to end that shit were waaaayyyy too long.

    Some other lessons from other dudes:

    When I tell you I’d keep my last name if I got married, don’t tell me that women who don’t change their names when they get married don’t love their husbands.

    Don’t make up complete lies about getting in fights and doing drugs to make yourself seem cooler.

    Don’t tell me you have gonorrhea a week after we have sex.

  24. Nia
    September 19, 2008 at 4:32 am

    If I tell you that I have serious trust issues due to horrific dating experiences, don’t play the psychologist and try to make me face my phobias. The “instant catharsis method” only works on Hollywood films.

  25. Nia
    September 19, 2008 at 4:33 am

    Lauren O, does the changing-your-name thing mean that not a single Spanish woman loves her husband? :P

  26. September 19, 2008 at 4:36 am

    Times like these that I’m very much ok with the fact that I’ve chosen to be single for most of my of-age life. I don’t have many stories, and the ones I have consist of bad dates, rather than bad relationships.

    This is supremely tame compared to those that have come before, but let’s just say that getting sloppily drunk on a first date does not set the stage for long-term potential. Now, in this case, it was more or less a non-starter to begin with, but it went from a dud date that could still have been a fun night to …. something else.

    Mostly I just don’t like it when I don’t hear back from someone. Even if it’s just a good old-fashioned “thanks for the evening, but you’re weird and smell funny, and what was with that shirt?”, I’d rather hear SOMETHING than, y’know, crickets. I would take “get away from me, creep” every time over the silent treatment. That’s cold shit.

    Although I realize that if I’m detecting a pattern in which I’m just not hearing back from women, it could well be something I’m doing wrong.

  27. September 19, 2008 at 4:42 am

    Nothing quite so egregious, but infuriating at the time:

    1. If she’s walking purposefully and not inclined to stop for you, an extended bout of jogging drunkenly alongside trying steadily sillier attempts to chat her up will achieve nothing but annoying her, wearing you out and making you look an even bigger idiot in front of your mates.

    2. No matter how promising the opportunity seems to play white knight, let her finish her fucking sentences. That way, when she gets across to you that she doesn’t require assistance, she might still be well enough disposed that another line of conversation is a possibility. Otherwise, expect her to go straight back to the reading you so unneccessarily interrupted, no matter how charming you are.

  28. Silvvy
    September 19, 2008 at 4:46 am

    Actually I don’t have much stories to tell from my dating experience. Except:

    -Don’t ask me if I have herpes right after we have our first kiss.
    -Don’t tell me I should go on the pill because so you can have unprotected sex after we’ve had two casual hookups.
    -When considering breaking up with your gf because she do premarital sex, don’t start being all nice and sweet to your ex (me) about how we should hang out and enjoy NYE together and then don’t end up breaking up with your gf because I turn you down.

    Your #9 and #10 wouldn’t bother me at all. #9 I would find amusing and #10 wouldn’t faze me at all. (the no reading thing wouldn’t. but the Da Vinci Code comment would) My boyfriend doesn’t read and he’s actually one of the smartest people I know. I thought it was awesome how he said this when asked – he was totally honest and didn’t care of how it would make him look – because I know people who don’t read but try to act like they do because they think it’ll make them look smarter.

  29. Silvvy
    September 19, 2008 at 4:50 am

    Ugh, I mean “when considering breaking up with your gf because she DOESN’T do premarital sex” haha important word I accidentally omitted!

  30. Bukkakelypse
    September 19, 2008 at 5:08 am

    “9. Don’t tell me you know “this great little Italian place” and then take me to the Olive Garden.”

    LOL. I’m so gonna do that on my next date.

  31. September 19, 2008 at 5:30 am

    Lauren O, does the changing-your-name thing mean that not a single Spanish woman loves her husband? :P

    Maybe! Who knows? When your beliefs are not based in logic, anything is possible!

  32. Dr. Confused
    September 19, 2008 at 5:40 am

    1. When you’ve met me in a goth bar, don’t play the Backstreet Boys in your car at high volume on our first date.
    2. Don’t tell me over dinner all about how you think boys should be harshly physically punished, but girls shouldn’t be since they are more delicate.
    3. Don’t hit a car as you park in front of my house at the end of the date.
    Those were all one guy. He also insisted really strongly on paying, but that one is really common. Apparently it lets them feel entitled to sex. From a few others:
    4. Don’t offer to give me a massage, and then demand one from me instead.
    5. Don’t try to pretend you know more about my field than I do. I have a PhD.
    6. The correct answer to “that’s a little rough” (when you have your hand on my vulva) is not “Yeah, you like it rough!”
    7. Don’t hit on our waitress, ask her when she’s not overly responsive if she’s feeling ok, and then when she says she has a headache, stand up and start massaging her neck without her consent.
    8. Don’t insist on paying and then not leave a tip. (I had no change, so I had to come back the next day with the tip. Later the waitress told my friend how creepy my date had acted before I showed up.)
    9. Look at the waitress when she’s speaking to you. Say thank you. She is a human being.
    10. I’ve said I don’t like pain. Don’t bring out the whip. You are not going to be able to convert me to, and I quote, a “pain whore.”
    11. Don’t send me IMs late at night telling me how depressed you are, and then when I offer a sympathetic ear, telling me that I could cheer you up by going to your apartment and giving you a blow job.
    12. When you’ve been touching me inappropriately in a group of friends at a bar and I’ve gotten up, gone to the bathroom, returned and sat far away from you, don’t move closer to me so you can keep publicly groping me.

    There are more, but I can’t think of them all right now.

  33. RMJ
    September 19, 2008 at 6:07 am

    I would want to hear about pooping one’s pants on a national television show. After a couple of years of dating, that would be pretty hilarious. But, I am five.

  34. Froth
    September 19, 2008 at 6:36 am

    Don’t listen to your new girlfriend explain that she’s afraid you’re going to hurt her, kiss her until she feels safe, and then bite her neck.
    Don’t tell your girlfriend that she is, for example, preferable to a cheeseburger, unless you’re very sure that she finds rubbish compliments hilarious rather than insulting. (He pays me appalling compliments. It’s hilarious. But I’m betting not everyone would agree.)

  35. Cactus Wren
    September 19, 2008 at 7:12 am

    Informing me on the first date that you’re into D/S (topping only) but not into safewords is not conducive to a long-term relationship. Or, indeed, a second date.

    When we’ve known each other for a grand total of four hours at a science fiction convention, politely warning me that I won’t have to supply the condoms, since you always buy your own because it’s so hard to find them large enough? Does. Not. Appeal.

  36. fauzia
    September 19, 2008 at 7:13 am

    if i’m already out with a guy and he gets up to go the bathroom, don’t come up to me and tell me that it “looks like you’re having an awful time…i guarantee you’ll have a ‘rockin’ time with me. ’cause, heh, i mean, after all once you go brown…you’ll never be down.”…no. just no.

  37. September 19, 2008 at 7:26 am

    Don’t tell me you know “this great little Italian place” and then take me to the Olive Garden.

    Oh, now you’re just making shit up.

    Oh how I wish that were true…

    The actual situation went like this: He asked me on a date. I said yes. He came to my apartment to pick me up. He said, “I know this great little Italian place.” And I said, “Oh good, where?” And he said, “Have you ever been to The Olive Garden?” And I, thinking he was kidding, started laughing and said, “Um, no.”

    Well, turns out The Olive Garden is his favorite restaurant. So we ate there. He offered to let me choose the wine. I was tempted to ask if any of it came in a box, but I decided to be nice.

  38. jodi
    September 19, 2008 at 8:24 am

    After you have given me crabs and I have confronted you about it, do not try to tell me that I must have caught fleas from your roommate’s cat. (Hint: you are also telling me that I am too stupid to know the difference).

  39. Daomadan
    September 19, 2008 at 8:28 am

    Don’t look at me like I’m a dog who just did an interesting trick when I order my coffee black. (This was seriously on his list of “Things I want in a woman.”)

    Don’t ask me question after question that sound more like a job interview and less like a date.

    Don’t tell me how good you are at giving oral sex when we’ve just met and haven’t even gone out on a first date yet!

    Don’t corrent me simply because you disagree with my opinions. Opinions are opinion not facts.

    There are more but…those still stand out to me.

  40. Daomadan
    September 19, 2008 at 8:29 am

    P.S. Oh, and don’t mention how “exotic” I look and that that turns you on. ><

  41. Annie
    September 19, 2008 at 8:46 am

    Don’t call me ‘Dude’ and ‘Bro’ in the middle of some of the worst sex I’ve had in recent history. Particularly don’t say to me: “Dude. Dude: you have the hottest body, Bro!” in the middle of such terrible sex. The gender labels make me, a woman, think you might be talking to yourself, which is obviously very creepy. Also, don’t tell me about your jock itch both before and after the bad sex in which you have called me both ‘Dude’ and ‘Bro’ in the same sentence.

  42. shah8
    September 19, 2008 at 8:51 am

    Reading this in the morning is ultra-good therapy for “the nice guy”, whether he is actually nice or not.

    At any rate I have a smile on my face and just a tad bit of empathy for the best stories. Thanks.

  43. September 19, 2008 at 8:57 am

    5. “Here, put on this Hayden Christensen mask.”

    9. Corporate slogans: “Olive Garden: When You’re Here, You’re Part of the Family That Nobody Likes.” “Olive Garden: What Have You.. What Have You… What Have You Done To Deserve This?”

    P.S. I love how the little pikachu appears halfway through my filling out the information. Maybe that can be #11, especially if I bring a Pikachu handpuppet.

  44. Alex
    September 19, 2008 at 9:09 am

    1. Don’t grab my head for a kiss within 2 minutes of our having ordered food (on our first date, naturally), act surprised when I object, and insist that you ‘got a really good vibe’ from me (from my choice of starter, one presumes). You didn’t.
    2. When I have offered to come to your house and cook you dinner, please try to lay in some salt and pepper, even if you can’t stretch to olive oil. Explaining that you only eat toast and tinned soup, and neither of them need seasoning, is not endearing in a 30 year-old man. It’s actually a little dysfunctional.
    3. Similarly, do not explain that you only turn the radiators on on special occasions. If you expect me to take my jumper off in a sparsely-furnished, damp house, you will have to bite the bullet and provide adequate heating.
    4. If you happen to mention (apropos of nothing) that you like to attend swingers’ nights, dont try to defend this by saying that they took place in the city centre. The transport arrangements are not the key issue.
    5. Don’t offer to cook me dinner, then explain that you are only prepared to cook me ‘low-GI’ food. It suggests that our evening will not be quite the feast of sensual indulgence I am hoping for.

  45. cubicalgirl
    September 19, 2008 at 9:23 am

    1. On a blind date don’t say, “I don’t normally date fat girls but you’re alright.”

    2. Don’t YOU answer MY “missed connections” ad when you are not the person in question that was missed, ask me out on a date, then visibly freak out because I’m fat and be an asshole about it. It’s not very polite to look over my head, obviously scanning the room for hotter chicks, while having a conversation with me.

    I’m a big girl (pun intended) and perfectly capable of dealing with POLITE rejection. Thankfully I’m with a great guy now; if I had to keep dating I’d just give up and become a nun.

  46. manda
    September 19, 2008 at 9:33 am

    When we’re in the middle of dinner and I am talking, don’t answer your cell phone and proceed to tell the caller that you are “totally getting laid tonight” because unless you have someone else in mind, you most definately will not.

  47. September 19, 2008 at 9:40 am

    1. If we’re friends and you invite me out to grab some pizza don’t expect me to KNOW it’s supposed to be a date.

    2. Don’t spend our entire first date talking about how fat/psycho your ex wife is, and don’t treat the waitress as though she’s your servant to be bossed about. That was our first and only date… he had invited me to lunch but refused to tip the waitress. I went back later after getting some money and apologized for him being such a jerk.

    3. Don’t compliment my ass when I’m walking down the street and then tell me my ass is fat when I ignore you.

    4. If you hover around my drink everytime I move it do not be surprised when I have the bouncers throw you out on your ass.

  48. SLW
    September 19, 2008 at 9:50 am

    Oh, how this thread makes me glad I’ve been purposefully single for, well it’s starting to feel like ever. :)

    I have to say the most infuriating relationship I had was with a guy I knew at High School, who’d been this really intelligent, thoughtful guy (who I adored) back then but who, over the years became increasingly, well, drunk and who, when drunk, thought it was fine to phone me up and demand to know what I was wearing and would I blow him or let him do whatever the hell it was that day that he wanted to do and who, when told I didn’t want to have that conversation with him, because we weren’t dating and we weren’t going to be and it was wildly inappropriate and creepy, complained about me leading him on and how I should deal with my ‘shit’ and called me ‘woman’. I hate being called woman. Amusingly he stopped calling me after he sent me a text just saying ‘if you were here right now would you blow me?’ while I was at work (and I hadn’t heard from him in weeks) and my reply was to rant at him about how he was a slut and I was sick to death of him Not Listening. It was calling him a slut that really upset him and he tried to explain how all of our female friends (including the girl who was at thet point a virgin) and me were really sluts but he was just being a guy. Asshole.

  49. September 19, 2008 at 9:57 am

    I think I might have one that can beat Jenny Jones.

    Don’t tell me that one of your hobbies is looking at pictures of mangled corpses because “it’s interesting to see what happens when someone gets hit by a train.”

    Also, don’t tell me that your ex-girlfriend had the same hobby, but you thought it was “kinda weird for a girl.”

  50. Nicole B
    September 19, 2008 at 9:58 am

    Haha…these are great!

    Don’t say that I am the “smartest woman” you have ever met. That directly translates to “you are smart…for a woman.”

    Don’t blab my personal problems to our mutual co-workers (who know me, but I am not friends with).

    Don’t threaten to “get me fired” from my job for breaking up with you.

    Don’t call other girls sluts for having sex with however many guys, then turn and ask me how many guys I have slept with.

    Don’t say “according to societal standards, you are average looking, but I, personally think you are beautiful (therefore you should bow down and suck my almighty cock for actually giving me a boner, because you don’t give other guys boners).

    Don’t spit on the ground. That is just gross. Stop acting like a neanderthal and swallow your spit like the rest of us.

    Stop acting surprised when I tell you I am in grad school. Do I look retarded?

  51. Juliet
    September 19, 2008 at 10:09 am

    Don’t be That Guy.

    Don’t freak out about how you’ve taken away my innocence after I lose my virginity to you. I’m a big girl who can make her own decisions, and I wasn’t innocent to start with. Plus, ew. (This should have been a big tip off, but I was young and inexperienced, and continued dating him far too long after this incident.)

  52. syzygy
    September 19, 2008 at 10:19 am

    I overheard a man in a restaurant telling his date (and from the tone of their conversation, it sounded like a *first* date) that “rape is horrible and all, but, ya know, women shouldn’t really wear miniskirts to biker bars.”

    I spent the rest of the meal speechless and eavesdropping. The ass had apparently just written a book on prison reform or something. I wish now that I’d called him out for being such a shithead.

  53. September 19, 2008 at 10:20 am

    All true:

    Don’t, after we have just met and are waiting for a table at a restaurant, sit on a bench, taking up three-quarters of it, and invite me to sit next to you.

    When I say I have to go home and take care of my kid as an excuse to bolt, don’t ask why I didn’t bring him along. Seriously, bring my kid on a blind date? Seriously?

    (Both of the above were the same guy.)

    Don’t, even when discussing my child, call me “Mom.”

    If you are mentally ill and collect SSI disability, tell me that up front!

    Don’t blow your nose in the t-shirt you are wearing. (That was the mentally ill guy.)

    This line does not work: “Are you horny? Do you wanna be?”

    Ditto on the small penis. Who thinks that’s sexy? I know two (single) guys in my social circle who will volunteer that in a crowd.

    Also, I knew a thirty year-old virgin who would volunteer that information at virtually random moments at social events. What’s up with that?

  54. SKM
    September 19, 2008 at 10:26 am

    And, more importantly, can you beat the “I dated a guy who pooped his pants on Jenny Jones” story?

    Well, I don’t know about that–poop is pretty hard to trump. But, I did date a guy who mentioned to me after a few dates that he was officially banned from the Vatican City for a period of 10 years because he puked on the Pope’s shoes during a private audience*.

    *backstory, since this situation sounds so unlikely: said guy was from a prominent political family of a country that shall remain nameless (not Italy). His grandfather had been president, his mother was sitting mayor of the capital city, etc. so an invitation to a private dinner at the Vatican was not all that unusual. The audience was after dinner. During a private audience, you’re supposed to kneel before the Pope as he blesses you. Said guy got plastered on chianti at dinner, and the kneeling part went awry.

  55. Q Grrl
    September 19, 2008 at 10:26 am

    Don’t offer to take out your dentures for hawt drunken man sexx when you know I’m a lesbian.

  56. September 19, 2008 at 10:34 am

    Don’t repeatedly lie about your height before meeting for the first time. Seriously, I understand we all inflate our images a little, but if you tell me you’re five foot nine when you’re really five six, I’m going to know RIGHT AWAY.

    Also (same guy) don’t tell me how much you hate Jane Fonda. Don’t, in fact, mutter hatred at any movie previews, even if I might happen to agree with you. I don’t want to be in pubilc with the mutterer.

  57. September 19, 2008 at 10:42 am

    Stories like those are pretty much why I don’t date. I mostly stick to friendcest and hope for the best :p (So far so good!)

  58. Broce
    September 19, 2008 at 10:47 am

    Dont have your opening line on your first date with a feminist be “Any woman who even considers abortion should be tortured slowly before she’s killed.”

    It was my first and only blind date, set up by a friend who thought he was great, and apparently did not know me nearly as well as I thought she did.

  59. September 19, 2008 at 10:48 am

    1. Don’t obsessively talk about your ex.

    2. Don’t tell me what pubic hair shaving configurations you prefer.

  60. JPlum
    September 19, 2008 at 10:51 am

    When I invite you over for dinner, don’t show up half-drunk, and tell me you had a sub on the way over and aren’t really that hungry.

    In the same vein as the library story, if I tell you I have to get home and finish the Tom Clancy novel I’m reading, I really just find you creepy. (I was only reading it because my sister left it at my place, and she only bought it because she likes spy novels, and they had it for sale at the train station).

    Don’t invite me on a date, show up with a bottle of cheap red wine, (having forgotten the corkscrew), suggest we go for a walk and end up on a park bench after dark in November in Montreal. I’ll be forced to tell you I need to get home and finish my Tom Clancy novel.

    Don’t follow me down to the metro platofrm moments later, and get all mopey-mad at me for being rude.

  61. September 19, 2008 at 10:54 am

    I don’t have that many bad stories, but…

    Do not bring your chihuahua on the date with you. If you must bring the chihuahua, please do not baby talk to it the entire time.

  62. Raechel
    September 19, 2008 at 10:56 am

    When at my favorite local restaurant, don’t angrily demand to know if they “serve any NORMAL food here”.

  63. AndersH
    September 19, 2008 at 10:59 am

    “5. Don’t pull the feminist card on me when I won’t hook up with you. “You know Jill, there was this little thing called the Sexual Revolution…” is not a particularly good strategy. Neither is asking me how much money you have to spend before sex is on the table. ”

    Ewww, this reminds me of a radio debate or something I heard where one of the participants stated that the Sexual Revolution was not about feminist empowerment, but rather to make more women into potential sexual partners for progressive men.
    I really wish I could say definitely that that wasn’t part of it :/

  64. Kat
    September 19, 2008 at 11:03 am

    This might beat Jenny Jones..
    Pre-date, not even on the first date, I had a guy tell me that three years ago he stole $5000 from his grandparents and a 16 passenger church van (from the church he led youth acting at), and ran away with a girl just because she said she loved him.
    And I still dated him.

    Now I ask, who was the idiot? Him or me?

  65. Julia
    September 19, 2008 at 11:08 am

    DO NOT phone me from your taxi after walking me home on the second date, at 11:42 p.m. on a Tuesday night, and ask me, “So, do you like me as a friend, or as more than a friend?” Kind of lame when you’re twelve; really disconcertingly lame when you’re 32.

  66. Angela
    September 19, 2008 at 11:17 am


    You single ladies seem to have all the fun! I’ve been married for 25 years and I can’t top your dating stories. (Somehow husband tales just don’t cut it!) :-)

  67. Julia
    September 19, 2008 at 11:20 am

    If I tell you I studied abroad in Scotland, DO NOT attempt to speak in a brogue for the next hour and a half. It’s a “burr” anyway, not a “brogue”. Especially do not continue to imitate the Lucky Charms leprechaun after I tell you that your accent is terrible and it’s literally making me wince. Don’t insist that it’s actually very good. You are wrong. It’s not cute. You are annoying me.

  68. September 19, 2008 at 11:23 am

    All the same guy:

    Don’t invite me to dinner, pick me up and drive me to the restaurant, peruse the menu with me, then say to the server and me (after I’ve just ordered an appetizer and an entree), “I’m really not hungry, nothing for me, thanks.” Why did you invite me to DINNER, then? Also, don’t just stare at me the whole time while I’m eating the food. It’s creepy.

    Don’t say, when the hostess is seating us near the bar, which has about 20 TVs all showing hockey games, “Wow, this is going to suck for you!” When I ask why, don’t reply with, “Women don’t like hockey.” Actually, hockey is my favorite sport. And thanks for the gender stereotyping. Ass.

    And the best part of the night: When we’re leaving the restaurant, don’t tell me that you stole your sister’s driver’s license and that I look a lot like her, so we could go to a bar to continue the evening, if I wanted to. Watching me eat my dinner bit was creepy. Stealing your sister’s driver’s license so you can take me to a bar when I’m 19 years old is even creepier. And then don’t be disappointed when I decline.

    That was the only date I had with that guy. Surprising, huh?

  69. A Prickly Pear
    September 19, 2008 at 11:24 am

    Disclaimer: The following ten experiences are ALL completely true, and have not been exaggerated in the least.

    1. When I ask if you’d like to go out for drinks, don’t suggest that we meet at Chipotle (which by the way doesn’t have a liquor license around here).

    2. When I ask about your hobbies/interests, don’t answer, “I don’t do much.” When I ask if you read, don’t say, “No.” When I ask, “Don’t you go out with your friends?” don’t say, “Not really.” When I ask what you do with your free time, don’t answer, “I don’t really do anything.”

    3. Don’t tell me that my life is a lot more interesting than your life. I already know that I’m interesting. I want to hear what makes you interesting.

    4. Don’t greet me as I get out of my car, twirl me around to get a good look at my ass while saying, “Wow you have a great body,” and then pull me in for a kiss on the lips.

    5. Don’t lie about your name in our emails, and then on our first date, reach across the table to shake my hand and reintroduce yourself because you think you’re too famous to share your real name. Because you volunteer at a public radio station for 2 hours every Saturday, does not make you famous. And DO NOT add to this, “I’m kind of a big deal.”

    6. Don’t tell me to meet you at a certain place, only to make me wait in my parked car while you finish your valet parking job, and offer me a warm Rolling Rock as a peace offering to keep me occupied in the meantime.

    7. Don’t make racist remarks after you learn that I’m a “radical liberal,” and then get angry when I say, “Listen it’s become painfully obvious that we should not be on a date together. I’m going to leave.” Don’t be surprised when I actually do just that.

    8. Don’t email me on Valentine’s Day to wish me a happy one, when we went on a date in December and I haven’t called you back since then.

    9. Don’t send me a text message two months after I did not return your last text message, with the line, “I’m ready for my private tour of the city.”


    10. On a second date (or any date for that matter), don’t confess your pride in the fact that when you cheated on your wife with one of (both hers and) your coworkers, that it opened the flood gates for you to cheat on every woman that you worked with. Don’t tell me that you realized you had done something wrong only when all 9 women (including your wife) were working the same shift as you. Don’t then tell me, “I didn’t have to tell you this. I was just trying to be honest.” And DON’T tell me, “I am a nurse so I don’t have any problems meeting women.”

  70. Julia
    September 19, 2008 at 11:26 am

    I DO NOT want to hear about how the ballerina you dated in college was always being mistaken for Nicole Kidman. I DO NOT want to hear about how your ex just couldn’t get over you and after you broke up got herpes and tried to kill herself. I DO NOT want to hear about how all the women you work with just seem to adore you, but gosh you can’t figure out why! Yes, yes, well done, you’re a catch. Dude, I already thought you were cool, that’s why I went out with you. I am now rapidly changing my opinion.

  71. Julia
    September 19, 2008 at 11:38 am

    If I tell you where and go to school and what I study DO NOT say anything even remotely along the lines of, “Wow, so you must be smart, huh?”

  72. Patricia Beninato
    September 19, 2008 at 11:41 am

    I’ve been married for a decade but still have … um … lovely dating memories.

    When I make a remark about the game on TV, don’t immediately go into interrogator mode and ask me stupid questions like “do you know what a forward pass is?” and “who originally drafted Brett Favre?” If I choose to answer the questions and do so correctly, do not ask me if I’m a lesbian “because no straight woman knows that much about football.”

    Don’t command me to make you a sandwich and add “when I give an order, I expect it to be obeyed.”

    I know what eight inches looks like. If you don’t have it, don’t say you do.

    It’s never a good idea to ask someone back to your place to watch a movie, then put in porn and get out handcuffs.

    If you have to ask if you were the best I’ve ever had, I can assure you you weren’t.

  73. L-K
    September 19, 2008 at 11:46 am

    Jeebus! These are all too good (or too bad?). Umm, which one of my worst dates can I add on to this list?

    I went on a date with a hipster once (if you know me well, you would know that I pretty much despise them). The conversations online were actually pretty good, the fact that he kinda looks like the late Brandon Lee was a plus, so I said “f**k it, I’ll give it a try. How bad can it be?”

    Turns out that he had a particular interest in cacao and its production. An hour and a half long conversation about cacao: planting process, variety of seeds, cacao from different countries, percentage of cacao within chocolate (dark, semi-sweet, etc.), a book that he had read about cacao. Yep, an hour and a half of this shit.

    Yes, I stereotypically love chocolate! I love to eat it, I don’t like to discuss it! At my family’s farm back home, we actually grow cacao; it is not fun shit.

    Just give me the freakin’ chocolate!

  74. Julia
    September 19, 2008 at 11:47 am

    I DON’T want to see the pictures of Hayden Panetierre in Maxim. Really.

  75. AnotherCara
    September 19, 2008 at 11:52 am

    HA all bad. Very very bad.

    1. Do not ask me to go on holiday with you on the SECOND date. Just a tad over keen.

    2. Do NOT, random Internet forum guy I don’t even know, make pervy “jokes” and state on another website that I am your girlfriend.
    And then do not get all offended when I ask you (politely) to remove this.

  76. September 19, 2008 at 11:54 am

    Ok, this is amusing and all (oh, god, the “do you hate men?” bit I can seriously relate to — let’s add “oh, you like girls? wanna have a threesome?” to the list), but it is kind of offensive and hurtful for those of us in relationships with age gaps to have the idea of being asked out by someone significantly older being lumped into the same category as shitting oneself on daytime TV. Just saying. How is it inappropriate for someone to just ask, if they are interested in you, and why is it necessarily creepy for them to be interested if you are both adults? Unless there is a totally creepy element at play there (and I’ll admit there often is with older guys asking younger women out), I don’t see really what the issue is. You don’t dig the person, age may be a part of that, and that’s okay. But why is an age difference in and of itself so awful to be mentioned with some of these other nasty things? That’s pretty judgmental.

  77. Alan
    September 19, 2008 at 11:58 am

    My sister-in-law tells this one, and since she doesn’t read this I will share it. When on a first date, if someone asks if you have any hobbies, do not say, “Yes, I am a mime. Want to see my videos?”

  78. JPlum
    September 19, 2008 at 11:59 am

    How about “I’ve never been with a girl who has hair down there before” and be totally horrified by the idea.

    And from the same guy, when I ask if he has objection to oral sex, tells me to go ahead. When I explain that I already know he has no objection to receiving, I was talking about giving, he tells me he doesn’t like the smell, and I don’t want him throwing up while he’s down there, do I?

  79. September 19, 2008 at 12:08 pm

    And, more importantly, can you beat the “I dated a guy who pooped his pants on Jenny Jones” story?

    No. And I can’t say that I have had a hair-curling bad date like any above. I’ve been lucky. The worst was the guy who tried to show off by ordering a Japanese beer in front of me, which prompted me to say that they all taste like Budweiser to me.

  80. Ashley
    September 19, 2008 at 12:29 pm

    Let’s see…I didn’t do much dating before I went and got myself hitched, but here’s one: when on a first date, don’t inform me in the restaurant’s waiting area that you generally prefer goth-type androgynous-looking women, but that my ass (as you reach around and cup it in both hands) is definitely enough to not disappoint you. Then do not give me a look of shocked disappointment when I move away and inform you that if you touch me again without my consent, I will file for sexual harassment. And don’t, as I’m walking out of the restaurant, call after me, “wait! I gave you a compliment!” No, you did not. You only succeeded in insulting me and wasting both yours and my time.

  81. Aldus
    September 19, 2008 at 12:44 pm

    First lines, first date: “Sorry I’m late. I had to take my dog to the vet. He got castrated yesterday, but he was all bloated today so I took him in, and he was full of blood. Internal bleeding from the operation. So they drained him. He’s OK now.”

    A bit later, same date: “I want to live in New York, in a penthouse on Central Park West. How much money do you make?”

  82. Amy
    September 19, 2008 at 12:52 pm

    Don’t tell me you know “this great little Italian place” and then take me to the Olive Garden.

    I know this guy – Ive been winning the “worst date ever” contest with that story since ’05 – I swear. To be fair the story also involved him ordering a Shirley Temple.

  83. tessa
    September 19, 2008 at 12:55 pm

    Don’t tell me that you can prove to me how much I fit “your type” because the blowup doll that you designed looks just like me. Definitely do not come up to me later that night with your friend’s iPhone to show me the picture of her that you put on your private flickr account. Please.

  84. amy
    September 19, 2008 at 1:00 pm

    Don’t talk about your divorce and, if you do, don’t tell me that you had your third child’s hair DNA tested to make sure that it was really yours.

  85. September 19, 2008 at 1:01 pm

    Okay, which Osmond did you date?????

  86. September 19, 2008 at 1:13 pm

    Don’t tell me on a first date, “You would make an excellent wife.” And then, after saying that, don’t be surprised that I stammer out some lame excuse to get the hell out of there.

    Don’t ask me on a first date (or second, or third) if I shave my pubes. You’ll find out when I want you to, you fuckhead.

  87. HN1
    September 19, 2008 at 1:24 pm

    ‘Don’t tell me you know “this great little Italian place” and then take me to the Olive Garden.’

    Not only is this hilarious, I think it can be used in everyday situations, in the same way as ‘Don’t piss in my mouth and tell me it’s raining.’

  88. mk
    September 19, 2008 at 1:26 pm

    i guess i’ve been lucky so the worst i’ve ever gotten is “i guess i just don’t like intellectual girls.” this was in high school, so i suppose the initial idiocy could have been forgiven, but the shock and dismay that he communicated to me upon learning that i had told every female classmate i knew that he had said that to me was not.

  89. Chris
    September 19, 2008 at 1:32 pm

    Here’s some for the ladies. I couldn’t make this shit up:

    Don’t offer to make me a “home-cooked meal” for our date, then offer me a tray of greasy, burnt, dried-up pressed chicken nuggets.

    Don’t name my penis and talk to it in a baby voice.

    If you have to wear a wig because you have alopecia, at least get one that looks somewhat natural, and make sure it sits on your head right so I can’t see the bobby pins.

    Don’t offer sex but “forget” you’re having your period.

    When I tell you I have a son, don’t start asking lots of personal questions about him, then suggest things *we* could do together. I’ve actually had several women pull this creepy move on a first date.

    When I casually put my arm around you because we’re sitting in a crowded booth with a lot of friends, don’t proceed to get sloppy drunk, spray in my face while making lewd propositions to me, then then yell at me LOUDLY enough to be heard over the jukebox, “WHY WON’T YOU FUCK ME??” when I politely rebuff your offers.

    Don’t send me pictures of your stretched out vagina and anus filled with two other men’s semen and piss. OK, that’s not a first date, it was after I told her to take a hike, which makes it just as bad, I think.

    Don’t offer to meet me at my house, then arrive 4 hours late, after I’ve already given up and gotten into my PJs, with your hideous bisexual friend, then sit there and have absolutely nothing to say.

  90. Jonathan
    September 19, 2008 at 1:41 pm

    You think it’s bad dating that guy — just try BEING that guy, or having been, even once.

  91. September 19, 2008 at 1:47 pm

    I only dated until I was eighteen or so, but who’s surprised this happened at such a tender age? Don’t do push-ups “because [you’re] bored.” And don’t tell me what a slut I am to convince me that eh, if I’m going to sleep with just about anyone, it might as well be you.

  92. September 19, 2008 at 1:55 pm

    Don’t compare me to ‘that fat music geek from high fidelity’

  93. A Cruz
    September 19, 2008 at 1:56 pm

    I think #4 is way uncool. Why can’t you just be honest with the dweeb and say something like, “Joe you seem ok but I am not interested in dating you. With that in mind I think its best that I leave.” A lot of people would appreciate a little more honesty and less of the stuff that leads to misunderstandings, like a guy asking you if he could walk you to the library when you just want to blow him off.

  94. Daomadan
    September 19, 2008 at 1:57 pm

    These are all great! Just one quibble:

    “Do I look retarded?” <–Let’s watch the ableist language.

  95. thwarted
    September 19, 2008 at 2:01 pm

    Don’t bring along another female “friend” in the hopes we’ll get along and have a hot 3-way. (yes, this actually happened.)

  96. September 19, 2008 at 2:12 pm

    This one’s probably pretty harmless but it was unnerving at the time. I was sitting with a geophysics major ions ago and I asked what was the difference btwn that and a geologist and he said, “geologists study rocks. We torture them.” And he had such glee in his voice. Now I’m all for being passionate about your future career but torture.

    O-kay. I’m off to get my drink refreshened now.

  97. JustMay
    September 19, 2008 at 2:42 pm

    Do no be rude to the wait staff then tell me its okay because they are beneath us.

    Do not describe your visit to the gym in excruciating detail .. how many reps , how much weight, what machine next.

    Do not talk about football nonstop then declare that you like watching football better than having sex.

    Do not grab my rear view mirror, in heavy traffic, to check your hair.

    If I was introduced to you at dance club ten minutes ago and we have danced together once, now is not the time to start telling me that you are a very serious one woman man and I need to be ready to commit right now, don’t be messing around. WTF?

    Do not talk about your ex at all. Especially if you want to talk about what a raging bitch she was or how much you miss her. Start dating when you are over it.

    Do let me know right away if you are racist so I can not waste any time with you. Don’t wait until you are visiting me at my Oakland, CA apartment and start acting weird about parking your car, walking by people, etc… then tell me that you don’t trust the “brothers”. Ignorant backward asshat. Go home.

  98. Betsy
    September 19, 2008 at 3:06 pm

    When you learn that I’m a historian from a fancy-pants university, do not attempt to quiz me on civil war or presidential trivia. It is obnoxious and shows how insecure you are.

  99. Christine
    September 19, 2008 at 3:22 pm

    1. Do not order ahi for me while I’m in the restroom in a futile attempt to appear chivalrous on the first date, and then refuse to tell me what you ordered, claiming it is a “surprise” — especially when you don’t yet know me well enough to know that I’m allergic to seafood.

    2. Do not chat me up at a bar, exchange phone numbers, ask me to dinner, and ignore my phone call to confirm later in the week…then call 6 months later at 1am to tell me you’re moving to New York the next day, that I’m a very intriguing and intimidating woman, and ask if I would like to come over to get to know each other before you move.

    3. If, on the first date in a city (SF) where it’s perfectly acceptable to not have a car, please do not tell me that you don’t drive because your license is suspended as a result of your recent DUI; when I pleasantly try to end the date at 10:30, do not follow me around my neighborhood bars until 2am; do not at that point then ask if I can either give you a ride home — out of the city and 40 miles away — or if you can “crash with me.” We both know what you’re up to and it’s not working.

  100. exholt
    September 19, 2008 at 3:39 pm

    Don’t hint about your salary, with so many broad hits that I’ll know to the penny how much you make.

    Not long after college graduation, I’ve had a fair amount of dates where after answering the question about my career, the conversation ends up dwelling on how stereotypically lucrative my field and attempted prying into my personal finances despite countless attempts to change the topic. Not only is this creepily invasive…especially on the first date, it reminded me too much of the assholes in my family and in the larger society who equate personal superiority with how much one has in their bank account/stock portfolio… attitude I find to be a big turnoff in any setting….much less a date. Ditto for those whose conversational topics are limited to discussing the personal finances and stock portfolios of themselves and others……I’ve had more than my fair share of hearing trust-fund kiddies in school and work go on about “their money” and feeling “superior” as a result….without realizing that I’m not the only one who looks upon that as little more than an unearned legacy handout.

    If asked a question about what I studied in school and I answered “History”, don’t make comments such as “Why did you waste your time studying that?” Barring a complete retraction and apology for being so condescendingly rude, you are also betraying the very anti-intellectualist attitude that I find so troubling among my fellow US citizens.

    Following up to that, don’t make dismissive remarks about other people’s intelligence because they didn’t have the privilege of attending an Ivy/Ivy-level college as you did. You not only come across like a classist snobbish asshole, you are also betraying a troublingly oversimplistic worldview. There are many highly intelligent people I respect who attended state colleges…or didn’t attend college altogether….and I’ve met more than my fair share of Ivy/Ivy-level graduates in the workplace and at school who made me wonder how they ever graduated from kindergarden…much less college. Want more proof……look at our esteemed prez….

    If you find I have an academic interest in East Asian history, don’t get defensive when your assumptions of expertise on Japanese or Chinese history and culture based solely on Orientalist books such as “Memoirs of a Geisha” or “The Bonesetter’s Daughrer” are met with rolling eyes and a critique of why those books are considered problematic….especially considering such types of books were written for the predominantly White US audience and are successful precisely because they take advantage of long MSM ingrained Western preconceived notions of the “weird” “exotic” “Orient”.

  101. Rosie
    September 19, 2008 at 3:52 pm

    If you are lucky enough to come home with me don’t get totally naked (with absolutely no body hair cause you shaved it all off) when i go to get a glass of water. Don’t start crying cause you’re too drunk to get it up. Don’t pee in my bed after you’ve fallen asleep. Don’t have a girlfriend you happened to have forgotten about. And please don’t ever bring this night up again.

  102. September 19, 2008 at 4:04 pm

    Don’t misinterpret my driving you to the subway stop from dinner date as a sign I want to make out in my car. Especially when I pull over in a bus lane to let you out in the rain and say “hurry up, I don’t want to get a ticket.” Do not lunge at me as a put on emergency lights and slip me tongue. Do NOT say thank you when the shock of that experience causes me to bite down on your tongue.

    Dont ever call me later to ask for more.

  103. September 19, 2008 at 4:10 pm

    so he asks me out for friday night, we’ve got mutual friends and he seems cool, so im interested, but i explain that i’m totally broke so can’t do much. he goes “oh, it’s ok, i get paid friday so i’ll have cash” and arranges to pick me up at 7. he shows up closer to 9, and to my surprise he has no car, he meant pick me up as in “take the train to your place, then we head out wherever” so i have to change into something warmer really fast since it was winter in chicago. we take the bus to a bar, on the way he explains he only has 20 bucks, that when he said he would have cash he just meant for him, even tho i had explained i had no money. he spends the rest of the bus ride telling me how controlling he is with girls he dates, and how jealous he gets and how they can’t have any male friends cos he doesnt trust them.

    the date has swiftly become the date from hell, but i still hold out a tiny bit of hope cos we had always gotten along well in previous social situations. he buys me a cheap beer, cool, whatever. we drink our beers then head up on the train to go get coffee and talk. the talk is more of the same. i am getting a massive headache and resisting the urge to punch dude.

    he tells me he is scared to ride the train by himself at night and asks if he can crash at my place. i say “fine, you can sleep on my couch” (my bedroom door locks and i have 2 roomates so i’m not scared, just even more irritated)

    on the way back to the train he hops around alot and keeps lightly body slamming into me knocking me against the wall as we walk, laughing like its hilarious.

    back at my apartment i’m like “i’m exhausted, i’m going to bed” and he says “ok, but don’t throw away my TOOTH, it’s on your table.”

    yeah, his fucking tooth, on my table.

    he leaves me a voicemail the next day saying what a great time he had and how he hoped we would go out again. i blocked him on AIM and never called back.

  104. Thomas
    September 19, 2008 at 4:14 pm

    To my friends, who meant well:

    If you know I’m a polyamorous BDSMer in a serious, longstanding long-distance open relationship, don’t set me up with your monogamous, religious Catholic, totally non-kinky friend just because she’s an artist and has a nose ring. We had a lovely conversation, really. There was no prospect for any dating.

    To someone else’s friends, who did not mean well: I have no idea if she was poly or kinky or not; I figured if we had any chemistry, we’d talk about it. Whatever half-assed and probably inaccurate information you gave her, based on what you could glean from the organization’s rumor mill, effectivly scared her away from even being friendly with me. Probably because you suggested that I wasn’t going to be honest with her. Wow, what an asshole. It’s not like I kept any secrets. I’m willing to pay the price for who I am, but I shouldn’t have to pay the price for what you assume I am.

    In fact, being up-front about things has probably put me on a lot of women’s terminal overshare lists. I figured if I didn’t say on the first date that I was kinky and poly, I was kind of wasting their time and mine.

  105. September 19, 2008 at 4:29 pm

    If you have to wear a wig because you have alopecia, at least get one that looks somewhat natural, and make sure it sits on your head right so I can’t see the bobby pins.

    Don’t offer sex but “forget” you’re having your period.

    …your hideous bisexual friend…

    Are you trying to sound like one of the men this thread is warning against, or is it just happening without your control?

  106. Thomas
    September 19, 2008 at 4:29 pm

    Also, if you’ve just slept over the apartment I share with my sister, because you went on a date with my sister, do not ask my girlfriend and I if you can watch us fuck. If you were not dating my sister, the answer might be yes. But you were. Dating my sister. That is, were. Past tense. Buh-bye.

  107. shfree
    September 19, 2008 at 4:30 pm

    When I tell you that I’m not going to sleep with you right now after you lyingly tell me that you want a relationship, when you clearly don’t, don’t say “But you slept with all my friends!” to try and get me to change my mind. That simply won’t end well.

    And oh, perhaps you might want to not criticize me for not maintaining certain gender norms like, oh, not shaving my pits….when you are wearing eyeliner. I really hate to have to point out when someone isn’t following gender norms in order for them to see what an idiotic hypocrite they are being.

  108. September 19, 2008 at 4:32 pm

    don’t, after you’ve invited me over for a booty-call, proceed to do far too much coke to get it up while i’m driving to your place, and then expect me to stroke your male ego. i will leave quickly and then laugh at you for years afterwards with my girlfriends. we call you “coke-dick” now.

    don’t fucking tell me “i’m really attracted to you, until you take your clothes off” right after we get done having sex.

    oh man, this thread makes me so damn happy i’m engaged and done with dating.

  109. Jill
    September 19, 2008 at 4:40 pm

    All my friends told me I should give “Steve” a chance. After hanging out a few times I decided to do the safe thing and visit his house while on a walk out with my dog in the middle of the afternoon.

    Once I was there he immediately got on his computer because it was “time” and began video chatting with a 14 year old–with me out of the frame of course! She even showed him that she received his package with some gifts in it. Jesus. Then he starts using MY DOG to hit on this 14 year old (and another 15 year old in another window) before I could politely leave. He was 24 at the time.

    He’s still a virgin, still hasn’t been on a real date, and still has no idea why.

    Don’t be a pedophile in front of me (ever, ever, ever, but especially even before the first date)!

  110. kw
    September 19, 2008 at 4:47 pm

    I love this topic.

    1. Don’t say that you are 26 when you are really 36. This is not improved by adding that “you can legally change your name, why can’t you legally change your age?”

    2. While making out with a woman, try not to throw up. After throwing up, try not to say “I’m really into women, honestly, I am. I think it was just the pizza I ate.”

    3. Try not to mention how you will make “beautiful Aryan babies.”

    4. If you learn that your date is Catholic, don’t tell her you have fantasies about having sex with a woman wearing a crucifix. Even if the evening is going really, really well up until this point. She probably won’t do the Catholic schoolgirl outfit thing, either.

  111. Thomas
    September 19, 2008 at 4:49 pm

    Also, if you keep hinting about a threesome with us, and we surprise you by cutting to the chase and telling you we’re interested, that’s a bad time to bang down a second and third stiff drink. If you need to get drunk to get up the courage, you’re not emotionally prepared; and if we need to help you walk home, all you’re getting is tucked into bed.

  112. batgirl
    September 19, 2008 at 4:56 pm

    A bad way to get a girl’s attention is to look at her Batgirl shirt and say, in a sinister and somewhat judgy voice, “Do you know what happens to her in the comic?”

    Uh, she gets paralyzed by the Joker and he takes naked pictures of her? Because I know that’s what you’re referring to, and that’s just a creepy thing to bring up, dude.

  113. September 19, 2008 at 5:09 pm

    I have three words for you: blackface shower curtain.

  114. Silvvy
    September 19, 2008 at 5:12 pm

    -Don’t follow me around for 20 minutes in a club telling saying “I love you!” when I keep telling you to stop and that that I have a boyfriend.
    -Don’t tell me you want to videotape my feet for a documentary you’re doing
    -Don’t ask if we can have sex one last time when I keep saying I want to break up with you. Or that we can be friends with benefits instead. No.

    About a guy I was in a no string attached relationship with:
    -Don’t tell me you’re going to cook me dinner the next time we get together and then don’t and end up ordering thai food instead. You don’t have to try to pretend to act like a boyfriend for me to continue having sex with you. I know what we are, thanks.

    Oh, and one I’ve done!

    -Don’t break up with a guy you’re dating and mention that you like their older brother instead. They live in the same apartment. Sigh. I did have a huge crush on his older brother…and dated him two more weeks than I should have so I could keep seeing his beautiful eyes.

  115. manda
    September 19, 2008 at 5:35 pm

    From my BFF:

    Don’t make out with me for ten minutes, then end the date by asking for my friend’s phone number… “You know “the one with the really hot ass!” Not only will I not give it to you, but there’s no way in hell she’d go out with you.

  116. September 19, 2008 at 5:44 pm

    Nothing to beat the pooping bit, but I do remember dating a woman who looked at me and said, “Before anything happens, would you consider getting tattoos removed? I can’t sleep with men who have tattoos.” First date — last date — and yes, someone I met on

    Was I supposed to run across the street for some quick lasering?

  117. September 19, 2008 at 5:55 pm

    Not all of these are mine, but my roommates and I have had our share…

    1) Don’t tell me you think pubic hair on ladies is proof that God doesn’t exist.

    2) Don’t tell your date’s two roommates, whom you are meeting for the first time, the hilarious story of how you punched a girl in the face in high school.

    3) after I tell you that one of my best friends is gay, don’t tell me that you are okay with that as long as he doesn’t hit on you.

    4) Don’t open a new conversation topic with, “So, you’re liberal, right? That means you like abortion?”

  118. September 19, 2008 at 5:57 pm

    This reminds of a discussion on Pandagon a few years ago. I remember there were rumblings of starting a dating-and-relationships-from-a-feminist-perspective side blog, which always sounded really interesting to me.

  119. BStu
    September 19, 2008 at 6:04 pm

    Wow. I’m feel far less self-conscious right now because I at least know I’m never even remotely this bad. Even if I had some incriminating information to share, I’d at least know well enough NOT to share it. I’m pretty content being the guy who doesn’t come on strong enough, thank you very much. Its served me well. I think the only bit of awkwardness I ever encountered was trying to go dutch on a date but slightly differently than my date. (She wanted to split the check and as a non-drinker that’s long been a pet peeve of mine)

    I will cop to suggesting an Olive Gardenish place for a first date, but I at least had the sense to acknowledge that it was a relatively cheesy mainstream Italian place and not some great little spot. I think when I suggested it, I was very upfront in acknowledging that it wasn’t an impressive little find, but a convenient if uninspired choice that I happened to like.

  120. Myriah
    September 19, 2008 at 7:05 pm

    Do not call me from a party to tell me how much you love me and then say you have to go becasue you just pissed off a balcony onto a cop car. Two weeks after that do not expect me to feel sympathetic because you got bit in the face by a brown recluse spider while fucking your ex girlfriend behind my back. And do not expect head as a gesture to make you feel better about the gaping spider bite on your face as much as me laughing at you and asking if I can poke the wound with a stick. (True story there)
    Do not inform me after I nearly got killed (literally) at work that your day has been worse than mine. And do not use said worst day ever to have some chick I have never met before fawning over you in the apartment I paid for and be surprised when I physically throw her, you and your things out of said apartment. (Even sadder true story)

  121. Liz
    September 19, 2008 at 7:27 pm

    How about this:

    You go to a guy’s house you’ve been dating for a couple of weeks after you’ve both been out drinking, and he proceeds to get maudlin about his wife who left him 10 years ago. Then plays “their wedding song” approximately 10 times in a row. Which, incidentally, was “The Promise”, by When In Rome.

  122. purple jaebi
    September 19, 2008 at 7:35 pm

    When I’ve said I like you, don’t tell me that you’re completely uninterested and then follow it up with talking about how we’d make great no-strings-attached sex partners, if only I didn’t like you. That just means we’re never having sex, ever.

  123. Mary
    September 19, 2008 at 7:48 pm

    It is my second date with a twitchy art boy met on

    We are sitting 1.5 feet across from each other at a low table in crowded bar.

    While waiting for our beers to arrive, he looks at me, silently.

    Suddenly he looks quite disgusted. “Why do you keep *looking* at me?” he snarls. “Quit looking at me!”

    The felony for coke trafficking should have been a dead giveaway.

  124. exholt
    September 19, 2008 at 8:03 pm

    9. Don’t tell me you know “this great little Italian place” and then take me to the Olive Garden.

    Is the reason for the objection because it is on par with promising a 5 star dining experience and then taking a date to McDonalds…or arguably worse….a hot dog stand?

  125. Bonn
    September 19, 2008 at 8:52 pm

    I wasn’t even on a date, but … the guy sorta thought I should be dating him or was dating him or … I don’t even know. Well, first he was getting jealous that I had another guy friend who I talked to all the time … and then he would tell me how “no one understaaaaands me” ad nauseum. I guess he thought I would, but he was pretty dull. And then he went to kiss me, but first he pulled the glasses off of my face. That was pretty darn startling … and I can’t even see without my glasses. More than a foot in front of my face. So. Uh.


  126. Hershele Ostropoler
    September 19, 2008 at 9:28 pm

    From my girlfriend: don’t ask “how long after the first date do you wait before you sleep with someone?”

    Don’t keep talking about how crazy your ex is on the first date (that was me).

    Don’t ask your date about their sexual orientation. Similar to number 3 in the post, all you need to know is that the person is dating you.

  127. Kiki
    September 19, 2008 at 9:30 pm

    My deal breaker: “Oh you know me, I don’t really think that much.”

  128. oh man
    September 19, 2008 at 10:14 pm

    Different men each time:

    Don’t tell me your parents are first cousins, it just makes me look for the signs of it.

    Don’t tell me you have herpes after the first kiss.

    Don’t tell me you know me better than I know myself.

    Don’t tell me I would be good for you. Someone who looks to a romantic partner for good influence is just not sexy.

    Don’t ask me if my ethnic dad would allow me to date you. I am over 40 and we are on our first and last date.

    Don’t tell me how much you love my people and that we have the best festivals and food ever!

    Don’t make a joke about “Your people” and “taking up the ass” as a show that you know about my fathers culture. It’s ethnicist and hugely insulting. It’s not funny.

  129. September 19, 2008 at 10:30 pm

    Don’t, when it’s become obvious that I’m not into you, say, “I don’t know why you won’t sleep with me. I’ve had hotter women than you!”

    Oh, what was I thinking? Let me get right out of these pants!

  130. September 19, 2008 at 10:31 pm

    SCENE: A couple of hours into a blind date.

    Him: Guess what! I can suck my own dick.

    Me: ORLY? How’d you figure that one out?

    Him: It took a lot of practice. I had to do stretches for months by laying up against my bed with my legs hanging over my head. I practiced every day. And then one day it happened.

    Me: Oh my god.

    Him: Yeah, I did it on a dare. My friends and I tried to see who could figure out how first.

    Me: How are you sure that your friends were even trying?

    Him: The honor system?

  131. September 19, 2008 at 10:34 pm

    I also dated a guy whose drive-through-window habits eventually made me hate him, specifically that he always asked for his order “to go.”

  132. Shirin
    September 19, 2008 at 10:39 pm

    I just realized I can add to the list: Don’t comment on my outfit by saying I could’ve dressed up more, maybe put on a “sexy dress,” and then ask me to help you come up with names for your shitty band.

    Having to leave early to pick up my friend from a show was the best thing that happened to me that night!

  133. roses
    September 19, 2008 at 11:01 pm

    Don’t go on and on and on about how hot Jessica Alba was playing a stripper in Sin City.

    Don’t (in reference to the time a few years ago we almost hooked up) say: “I’m not going to call you easy, but…” – fucking right you’re not.

  134. BB
    September 19, 2008 at 11:09 pm

    From college: When I ask about your family, don’t talk about how great your dad is in the present tense, only to have me figure out on the third or fourth date that he actually died when you were in junior high.

    In the not quite so unnerving, just downright dense category: Don’t suggest a movie for a first date and, after I tell you I just saw it, insist we still go to that movie because you really wanted to see it.

  135. Hershele Ostropoler
    September 19, 2008 at 11:17 pm

    More: Don’t say things in comment #129 that are already in the first 128.

    But seriously:
    Don’t ask your mother for permission to marry me, certainly not before getting my input. (happened to my girlfriend again).

    Don’t disparage polyamory for four years, sometimes without prompting, then kvetch when I complain that you’re cheating on me (my now ex-girlfriend actually said I was a “bad feminist,” but I think this one applies at least as much to men as to women).

  136. September 19, 2008 at 11:22 pm

    Him: Guess what! I can suck my own dick.

    lol All right, all right I admit, this would probably work on me because I’d immediately want proof. Which would probably turn out badly because desire for visual confirmation != desire for physical intimacy, which might be confusing. Although I suppose you could always point out, you know, what do you need me for? You’re doing fine on your own!

  137. Meg
    September 19, 2008 at 11:25 pm

    I am fundementally boring, but my Mom has two really good stories.

    The first was a guy that on the first date told her that he normally only liked pretty girls but she had such a great personality that he was willing to give her a chance.

    The second was a guy she dated for a while. After he spent the night she had made him breakfast in bed. She brought it to him when he woke up and he told her that she had buttered the toast incorrectly and that he did not want it.

  138. Asha
    September 19, 2008 at 11:25 pm

    Don’t offer me a mint and then explain that as you age, your breath and feet get stinkier and stinkier.

    When we’re watching a movie and I comment that I think the actress is really cute, don’t turn on me and snarl “Are you *gay* or something??”

    Don’t tell me how you much have adored me from afar for years, and then proceed to mock me, insult me and laugh at me. And not get how that is just wrong.

  139. BB
    September 19, 2008 at 11:33 pm

    From college: When I ask about your family, don’t talk about how great your dad is in the present tense, only to have me figure out on the third or fourth date that he actually died when you were in junior high.

    In the not quite so unnerving, just downright dense category: Don’t suggest a movie for a first date and, after I tell you I just saw it, insist we still go to that movie because you really wanted to see it.

  140. J.
    September 19, 2008 at 11:35 pm

    I’m a little annoyed by Megan’s list. I occasionally would go for the Tuesday late-night pussy-eating. And I don’t think it’s especially understanding to make fun of guys just because they’re insecure about their dick size and tell you about it on the first date and haven’t been with any girls (i.e., feminists) who told them they don’t have to be. C’mon. I can think of worse than these without having to insult guys who are just doing what society teaches them they’re supposed to do.

  141. JetGirl
    September 20, 2008 at 1:04 am

    1) Don’t point at my breasts while we’re in a public place and yell “buttermilk!”
    2) Don’t call my mother after I’ve told you I don’t want to date you again (we just had three dates), hoping to get her to help change my mind.
    3) Don’t sing out loud in the car with me, badly, at random, especially while you’re driving on the freeway and almost sideswipe a truck.

  142. Sh
    September 20, 2008 at 1:05 am

    I definitely can’t beat Jenny Jones and pooping. Or a blackface shower curtain???!!!! For realz??
    But I definitely can relate to Asha and the “I admire/want to fuck you therefor I must degrade and humiliate your existence” syndrome. Maybe if we stop calling it “cute” when little boys bully the girls they like, men won’t feel the need to lash out at folks they’re sexually attracted to.

    And the “you look exotic” line or ANY variation thereof is most definitely ALWAYS a HUGE GLARING GIANT red flag. Blech.

  143. Bloix
    September 20, 2008 at 1:50 am

    #57? NO MAN under six feet will tell you his true height. And any man who is really 5′ 9 will tell you he’s 5′ 11. Subtract two inches, and you won’t be disappointed.

  144. Bitter Scribe
    September 20, 2008 at 3:53 am

    Olive Garden has its purpose. Its purpose is to serve me a quick, cheap dinner when I’m in a strange city on business. Taking a woman there would be an option only if I never wanted to see her again.

  145. Natalie
    September 20, 2008 at 4:52 am

    “Don’t call me ‘Dude’ and ‘Bro’ in the middle of some of the worst sex I’ve had in recent history. Particularly don’t say to me: “Dude. Dude: you have the hottest body, Bro!” in the middle of such terrible sex.”

    Ha! In college I was hooking up with a guy and things um, came to their conclusion, if you will as I was unbuckling his pants, at which point he kept going: “Dude, dude DUDE I’m gonna splooge!”

    Dude, just don’t. And don’t call me dude.

    “When you learn that I’m a historian from a fancy-pants university, do not attempt to quiz me on civil war or presidential trivia.”

    Especially if I am an historian of Lebanese history. It is not as if I know everything that happened in the past, and it doesn’t make me dumb if I can’t pass your little quiz about something I don’t even study.

  146. September 20, 2008 at 7:09 am

    I’ve mostly stuck with getting it on with friends (or at least close-ish FOAFs) myself, so I don’t have much in the way of real disaster stories. However:

    – Don’t walk five paces in front of me.

    – Don’t insist, and I mean insist, in a creepy way, on paying for absolutely everything from the tickets to every drink at the bar.

    – Don’t look at me like I have three heads and have dealt you a mortal wound just because I opened my own car door before you managed to sprint around to it. There was no kiddie lock engaged on the door, so I’m assuming I’m allowed to open it myself.

    – If you do all three of these things on one date, don’t be surprised when I realise you’re a sexist jerk and decline a second date.

  147. September 20, 2008 at 7:10 am

    Oh, and don’t stalk me. Ta.

  148. September 20, 2008 at 7:17 am

    Oh, and if you’re my housemate, don’t make increasingly leering remarks about my breasts, then say you’re planning to come into my bedroom that night, and crow about how, when you do, my dog won’t protect me because she likes you. And then look miffed when my very large friend shows up within the house to supervise you removing your rapist arse from my house forevermore. You’re just lucky I didn’t call the large friend with anger management issues.

  149. ananke
    September 20, 2008 at 9:02 am

    My first date horror story:

    Please, please don’t share with me your clever, but emotionally stunted, short work of fiction, then after I, completely appalled at how puerile it is, politely indicate for you to set aside the reading for the evening, insist on coming on to me when you have just become the last person in the world I ever would get busy with, and insist on not getting the message to back off to the point where I am forced to ask you to read more of your loathsome fiction just to get some physical space from you.

  150. ananke
    September 20, 2008 at 9:09 am

    From another date:

    Don’t tell me that when your mother had major abdominal surgery at teaching hospital, that you were curious about it and decided to watch it being performed from the gallery.

  151. AJS
    September 20, 2008 at 9:43 am

    1 Don’t tell me your married on our 3rd date.

    2 Don’t tell me you are trying to get your Mom to go off the Chemo and try crystals instead.

    3 Don’t tell me on the first date I do not have enough $ if you have $400 and I have 4million. Don’t tell me I do not have enough money if you have 4million and I have 400. Don’t talk about money!

    4 Do tell me about your goals, desires, aspirations. Do not tell me who you already fucked over or will fuck to reach them.

    5 Do not tell me about your yeast infection and then get mad when I won’t sleep with you.

    6 Do not tell me about my past lives together and how we knew each other in Iberia 1800years ago on the 2nd date. Although I did like that I was a Roman Legionnaire and Scientist in that story.

    7 Do not have a bedroom of a 12 year old girl if your are 30. 1 Hello Kitty is cute 50 is off the chart

    8 Don’t kick my dog.

    9 Do not kick my dog!

  152. Sarah
    September 20, 2008 at 10:28 am

    My favorites…

    1) On a first date: “So, can I shave your legs sometime? I don’t mean tonight, but sometime?’

    2) After showing up a half hour late for a second date, sitting down, and beginning to read a newspaper without even saying hello: “It’s pretty weird that in 3 of my past lives I was a soldier in the Civil War, World War I, AND World War II.” When asked how he knows this, he rolls his eyes and says, as if speaking to a child, “I have DREAMS and FLASHBACKS.”

    3) Best ever first date: “You know, it would be really easy to get away with date rape.” Followed by 45 minutes of detailed explanation.

  153. Peter
    September 20, 2008 at 11:37 am


    Reading through this thread, I had no idea this cad-like behaviour was so ubiquitous.

    Unbelievable. Most of this sounds like its out of a bad movie.

    I’ve honestly never had any of these kind of experiences. The only really weird thing, was this woman who told me on a first date, that she had just had a conversation with Jesus. Literally. Not metaphorically. That kinda freaked me out.

    But the scope and magnitude of this rube like behaviour from guys, is pretty stunning.

  154. exholt
    September 20, 2008 at 11:46 am

    Olive Garden has its purpose. Its purpose is to serve me a quick, cheap dinner when I’m in a strange city on business. Taking a woman there would be an option only if I never wanted to see her again.


    Maybe that’s one reason so many high school classmates have warned me never to take a potential date, especially one from a suburban middle/upper-class background to many of our favorite Chinatown restaurants as the menu prices of many of the better places* would make Boston Chicken look like a posh 4-5 star restaurant.

    Funny that was never an issue with those I’ve dated…including some from more socio-economically privileged backgrounds…..

    * Better in terms of the actual culinary experience where higher menu prices does not always translate into better food. IME, the more expensive Chinatown restaurants are often tourist traps one would do well to avoid…..especially if the majority of their clientele are Western tourists from tour buses.

  155. Leslie
    September 20, 2008 at 12:39 pm

    My worst was an Match date who just knew with absolute certainty from my profile that we would be perfect for each other and he wanted to take me, on our first date, to a five-star restaurant (presumably not Olive Garden, but… ). His enthusiasm was a little off-putting but there was nothing else in his profile to indicate a problem. I talked him down to just a glass of wine.

    He was attractive but couldn’t stop talking about his kidney stones, describing in detail the size and shapes of the pieces he passed. I kept trying to change the subject but he stuck with it for an hour. I knew I wasn’t interested but decided to see how bad the date would get. Three hours later, I knew all about the women who had twice stolen his car; his wife who he was really only married to for a year but it took another six to locate her so he could divorce her; and his latest girlfriend who also disappeared without a word. Despite the fact that they were living together and running a business together. (His tag, “Luckier in money than in love.” Okay, maybe that should’ve been a tip-off.) I don’t think he asked me one question — we only talked about him.

    The bill comes for 4 glasses of wine and he just stares at it and the minutes tick by, until I offer to split it. He all but wipes the sweat off his brow. As I walked him to his car, a Chevy Nova, with a broken back window and fabric hanging down from the roof, he tells me how great the date was and how he wants to invite me over to his apartment to watch his Jackie Chan collection on his big screen TV. I mentioned something about being in the friend zone and kept walking.

    The thing is, I’ve dated grad students who couldn’t afford a six-pack. I don’t need someone to spend money on me. I have my own. Don’t assume that I will only date you if you pretend to have money. Its icky. And, Sweet Jesus, don’t talk about your kidney stones unless you want to hear about my hemorrhoids.

  156. Molly
    September 20, 2008 at 12:57 pm

    If what you mean to convey is “let’s just be friends or maybe never speak again,” the correct way to express that is not and never will be blowing a kiss.

    And if you are this confusing kiss-blowing woman, do not then corner me when we happen to meet and treat me like your personal tropical-fish encyclopedia. I do not have any responsibility toward your mistreated Betta. Sell me the bike headlight and let me LEAVE.

  157. peter
    September 20, 2008 at 1:22 pm


    Maybe that’s one reason so many high school classmates have warned me never to take a potential date, especially one from a suburban middle/upper-class background to many of our favorite Chinatown restaurants as the menu prices of many of the better places* would make Boston Chicken look like a posh 4-5 star restaurant.

    Funny that was never an issue with those I’ve dated…including some from more socio-economically privileged backgrounds…..

    I’ve never been to Olive Garden, but I can’t imagine its an appropriate place to take a first date.

    On the other hand, I’ve never felt it was generally a good move to take someone you just met out for an evening on the town and a fancy dinner. Who wants to get stuck with someone for several hours, if it turns out they bug you, or are otherwise incompatible with you?

    I sure as heck don’t want to get trapped in that position. I learned a long time ago, that first dates should be really mellow and low key affairs. Something where you can walk easily away after 20 minutes if its obvious the other person is incompatible with you.

    If I’m interested in someone new, and want to take a shot at getting to know them, I’m much more comfortable taking them out for a cappacino, a chai, maybe a walk on the beach, or maybe lunch. Lunch is mellow and low pressure.

    But, that’s just me. I like to be able to scope someone out, and let them scope me out without the prospect of being trapped together for a whole evening.

  158. JustAnotherJane
    September 20, 2008 at 1:32 pm

    If you’re 22 and she’s in high school, don’t tell her she’s “the hottest 16 year old whose ever been in my bedroom” – she will bolt out of your mom’s house faster than you can say “statutory” (Actually DO tell her this so the 16 year old can save herself)

  159. Liliac
    September 20, 2008 at 2:35 pm

    While introducing yourself don’t:

    1. Mention you only got married because she accidentally got pregnant, but you live separate lives. Then proceed to mention you have three children together. Including a neo-nate. But they were all mistakes (really? All THREE were mistakes? See what happens when you skip classes the one day they cover sex ed?)

    2. Refer to your wife in a derogatory way, mention her infidelity and use that as justification to have your own indiscretions.

    3. Refer to my (then) on-again-off-again boyfriend as a fuck buddy and laugh uproariously. Then seem puzzled when I state how unfunny that is.

    4. Try to invite yourself into my apartment, as I appear (to you) as lonely and could use some company. When I point out your wife could probably use some company (since she’s, you know, home with two children and a neo-nate), resume belittling her and calling her names.

    5. Seem stunned at my lack of interest, but mention that since you now know where I live, you will *smirk* “see [me] around real soon”.

    And should you manage to get past the first few dates and your wife figures out you are having an affair, don’t have her call the other woman to end things with you. It’s one thing if she wants to confront the other woman, it’s another thing if you use her as an intermediary like this is still junior high.

  160. Liliac
    September 20, 2008 at 3:03 pm

    Side note about Olive Garden:

    1. There are places that lack ‘authentic’ cuisine settings. The usual suspects include the suburbs, the ex-burbs, small towns, etc. There still are places that think the opening of a McDonald’s is a sign that their town is coming up. Wasn’t there a time when the presence of a new Starbucks meant the area was becoming trendy/upscale/whatever?

    2. If a person likes Olive Garden/Macroni Grill/Chilli’s/etc, is that really a sign of personal failure? To be fair, calling the Olive Garden a ‘little Italian restaurant’ without a trace of irony is a bit disturbing. Almost on par with taking visiting royalty to Burger King (ba-dum-dum).While I struggle to comprehend an Olive Garden in NYC, I harbor the same emotion towards the prevalence of Taco Bells in Texas (cost-wise, it’s much cheaper to eat at an authentic Mexican or Tex-Mex restaurant): why? Not that it’s any of my business, but I’m stunned said establishments are profitable.

    I don’t mean to be a kill-joy, but some posts were beginning to sound slightly classist/elitist. Anyway, carry on with the humorous posts!

  161. j-rap
    September 20, 2008 at 5:00 pm

    1. On a blind date, do not show up wearing sweatpants.
    2. On a blind date, do not show up wearing athletic wear at all. I’m scanning the crowd, looking for the “good looking guy”, not a slob.
    3. Do not compliment my body. If you have to notice, cover yourself by complimenting my clothes. Yes, I can tell, but when you tell me I have a nice dress and you keep your smile respectful, I don’t want to pull out my pepper-spray.
    4. At the end of a date in which you have monopolized the conversation all night, rejected every suggestion I had for where we should eat, insisted that we eat in a place where I told you I had lunch that very day; saw a movie I was not interested in; and when I said gee, I’m kinda tired and no you can’t come in to my place at 8pm; YES, a blowjob is out of the question.
    5. Do not tell me I’m like any cut of meat. At all.
    6. Do not tell me about any of your exes on the first date. At all. Though, if you have children that should really come up sometime before the two month anniversary and I don’t want to find out because I found little mermaid panties in size 3-toddler in your apartment. I’d prefer to know about the little angels early on; tell me you have however many gorgeous children, honestly say how often you see them; and it better be often.
    7. Do not high five your dad when he gives me the once over and does the creepy-old-man eyebrow wiggle. That tells me you will be a creepy when you are his age. And I will break up with you as soon as we are out of your dad’s earshot. Because I’m respectful like that.
    8. Do not try to impress me. It’s embarrassing for all parties. Just take me to your favorite, owner-operated, nice, normal restaurant. Doesn’t have to be fancy. Just something good. Or let me pick! But save the over-the-top, sweep me off my feet, theater and fancy restaurant and hotel room dates for when you ask her to marry you, like my husband did. Do not try this in the first year of dating. We know how much that costs and it’s creepy too early on.
    9. Do not tell me that you’ll be waiting for me if I ever decide to get a divorce. Or you know (wink) if anything happens to the lucky groom. Especially do not tell me this when my engagement has just been announced. You’ll probably lose a friend or two here.
    10. Do not block my progress as I chase my toddler down a busy city sidewalk and tell me that mommy needs a helping hand. Do not ask me if mommy needs a daddy for that baby. In fact, just stay the hell away from me when I’m with my kid, hitting on a mother with her kid is just sleazy and makes me think you’re a child molester. A NICE smile is ok. If I were single and interested, I’d smile back. If I don’t, this is not a cue to harass me further.

  162. Zoe
    September 20, 2008 at 5:42 pm

    Don’t ask me to give you my shoes, because you’re “into hot women’s shoes”. I don’t want to know what you are into, nor do I wish to participate in any such activity.

    Don’t trick me into believing you just overdosed on painkillers, when in actual fact you just are manipulating me into staying with you. Asshole.

    Don’t, when trying to chat me up, let the first thing to come out of your mouth be: “You know, we would have great looking babies”. Creep.

  163. Bach-us
    September 20, 2008 at 6:30 pm

    Don’t take me out onto your balcony for what should be a romantic interlude, and then proceed to tell me the names and locations of basic constellations that I already know. I got better astronomy grades on all the tests and the final, and you know it, jerk.

    In other words, don’t insult my intelligence.

  164. Enn
    September 20, 2008 at 6:33 pm

    All true stories, I swear.

    A man I dated for a very short period of time told me that he was 35 years old. One night, I happened to notice on his ID that he was born in 1963 (It was 2005). When I confronted him about lying about his age, he told me that he was in the witness protection program because he used to be in the Mafia. I was like, um, you just met me, so why the fuck would you tell me something like that if it were true? He later admitted that he lied about his age, because he didn’t think I would date him if I knew how old he was.

    The same man accidentally mentioned something one evening about his son (he was trying to hide this from me, obviously). After observing my surprise of finding out he had a son, he told me a sob story about how his son had passed away. I later found out that he was LYING and that his son was actually alive. Sick!

    Another guy I dated got very jealous because he thought I was hitting on his co-worker. The reason he thought this is because I said something like “Jeff seems very nice.” He wrote me this long email explaining that Jeff doesn’t like girls like me, because he usually only dates blond girls who are at least a C cup. He mentioned that “Jeff” also said that I look like a little boy. After telling me all the nasty things his coworker said about my appearance, he pulled the chivalry card by stating that he was tempted to beat up “Jeff” for saying such nasty things about my appearance.

    A different guy I dated told me I wasn’t that smart, but he wanted to date me anyway, because I “have a perfect body.” I ended up dumping his sorry ass a week later.

    A guy I used to date began prodding and poking at my anus during sex and referred to it out loud as a “bung hole.” Needless to say, after having my ass referred to as a “bung hole”, I was no longer “in the mood.” Another story about this guy: we had just got done having sex and were laying around without our clothes on. Out of the blue, he pointed at my vagina and said that it was going to be responsible for making our babies one day. Other than that, he was a pretty normal guy.

    There was another guy I dated to whom I divulged the number of men I had slept with. He informed me that he was a virgin and that “I should have more respect for myself.” He convinced me to get STD testing before he would have sex with me. I obliged to the STD test and went to his house an anticipation for hot sex. I started the sex session by giving him a blow job. After the blow job was over, he stood up, put his clothes on, and handed me a breath saver. He refused to kiss me until after I had finished the breath saver, because he was “squeamish about his own cum getting in his mouth.” When I suggested that we resume what we started, he informed me that “he was done” and that I should not expect him to reciprocate the oral sex, because I was not a virgin.

  165. exholt
    September 20, 2008 at 6:36 pm

    Almost on par with taking visiting royalty to Burger King (ba-dum-dum).

    My adolescent/college self would be so willing to do that just to see how pissed off they get….especially if the royalty concerned happens to be from the Windsor or Yamato dynasties……;)

  166. September 20, 2008 at 7:18 pm

    “#57? NO MAN under six feet will tell you his true height.”

    Interesting, it’s rare that I can read a discussion on gender roles/norms without discovering either that I’m #1: not a man, or #2: definitely a woman. There’s still time for #2.

    (I’m 5’9″. No, really.)

  167. September 20, 2008 at 7:23 pm

    1. Don’t ask me how “deep the rabbit hole goes.” Yes, I know what you mean, and I am merely playing dumb because I don’t care to answer your question.

    2. Don’t ask me how many drinks it will take me to go home with you. No matter how drunk I may be, I will not go home with you.

    3. Don’t try to impress me with your drinking/pot-smoking abilities and then wind up being dragged out of the bar by four guys.

    Same guy, same night. Some people truly cannot see when a person is utterly disinterested, even if you have left them alone several times in one night.

  168. susiemeri
    September 20, 2008 at 11:05 pm

    Olive Garden? I wish.

    Do not tell me that you want to take me somewhere with the “best wings in town!” and proceed to drive to Hooters, where you have already alerted the waitress to hand me a red rose.

    Do not, after said Hooters date, leave a teddy bear on my doorstep holding a sign that says, “I wuv u!” with another fucking rose.

    Do not leave weepy messages on my answering machine with sappy eighties love songs playing in the background when I refuse to “just give it another try!”

  169. September 20, 2008 at 11:09 pm

    Oooh I forgot…

    Do NOT spend months lamenting over X girl and asking for advice on how to get with her and reinforcing how pathetic you are in all your attempts to get with her (against my advice) and ignoring me when I say you don’t have a fat chance in hell with her and eventually giving up only to turn around and ASK ME OUT.

    No thank you, I know all about how sad your life is (you told me many times) and I want NO part of it. Plus, I’m not about to be your second choice.

    (This has happened several times with various guys… here’s a hint guys: if you’re planning on talking to your girl friends about other girls you like, it’s probably not a good idea to try to get with said girls.)

  170. ChannelZero
    September 20, 2008 at 11:12 pm

    1. Don’t call me your pet. EVER.

    2. Don’t let me find pamphlets about the virtues of celibacy in your glove compartment after you’ve made some very explicit passes. And definitely don’t follow it up that awkward encounter with a dirty email in which you make it painfully obvious you have no idea what oral sex is. There wasn’t anything not weird about that.

    Different guys, at least?

  171. ChannelZero
    September 20, 2008 at 11:17 pm

    Dont’ tell me that you only consider women fat if their stomach sticks out further than their boobs. You’re lucky you didn’t get slapped.

  172. ChannelZero
    September 20, 2008 at 11:20 pm

    Oh damn I remembered one thats even worse–last one, i promise.

    Under no circumstances show me the gun you keep in your glove box, repeatedly pulling the trigger and saying “don’t worry, it isn’t loaded!” Especially on a first date, especially in the first 20 minutes. However, do disclose that you are the owner of multiple guns on a first date so that i can stay far, faaar away from you.

  173. September 20, 2008 at 11:35 pm

    Under no circumstances show me the gun you keep in your glove box, repeatedly pulling the trigger and saying “don’t worry, it isn’t loaded!” Especially on a first date, especially in the first 20 minutes.

    OMG. Except now that I think about it, someone did show me how to disassemble a gun in the first twenty minutes of a lunch date.

  174. libdevil
    September 21, 2008 at 1:23 am

    A friend’s tale of woe: Do not decline a second date because you’re not sure you want to break up with your (previously unmentioned) fiance. You’re either lying because you’re just not interested, or you’re a really horrible person. (Actually, it doesn’t have to be one or the other.)

    Do not then try to set up that second date, 3 weeks later, via email.

  175. Bukkakelypse
    September 21, 2008 at 6:04 am

    “Olive Garden has its purpose. Its purpose is to serve me a quick, cheap dinner when I’m in a strange city on business. Taking a woman there would be an option only if I never wanted to see her again.”

    I usually take first dates to McDonald’s or Taco Bell and say “Get whatever you want, it’s on me!” .. but then again I love messing with people. For serial though, if you take a woman to Olive Garden and never see her again, the problem ain’t Olive Garden.

  176. September 21, 2008 at 8:21 am

    And my friends wonder why I don’t date any more! Seriously, Jill (#112), I hope you reported your man to the constabulary.

  177. SKM
    September 21, 2008 at 11:47 am

    Wow, this thread is still going strong. OK, so I thought of another one, that I had blocked out for a dozen or so years:

    The first time I am in your apartment, please do not say “I’d like you to meet my Dad” as you pull a cardboard box of human ashes out of the bookshelf and hand it to me.


  178. kg
    September 21, 2008 at 2:55 pm

    Do not spend the entire first date — which stretches into 6ish hours — talking about yourself. And, as ementioned above, no need to tell me how interesting you are or how women are always into you because of your do-gooder job. Seriously, the only question I remember being asked by that guy was – “Is that a vintage coat?”

    Do not, in the course of those same 6 hours, tell me all about your ex who is a paid dominatrix and misses sleeping with you so much that she stops by to give you freebies whenever she’s in town.

    Different guy:
    Do not feel obligated to call me your girlfriend or to call yourself my boyfriend because you think that is what i’m looking for. When we both know that we have great sex and that’s it – spend less time on the mushy crap and more time getting to the good stuff. (And, it’s not as though the mushy stuff even translated into actual dates — we almost always “stayed in” – so why pretend?)

  179. September 21, 2008 at 6:19 pm

    Do not lie to me about your age, and then get arrested on our first for drunk driving, because you’re underage and should not have had even one beer.

  180. faith
    September 21, 2008 at 7:11 pm

    -do not inform me, no matter how charming your accent may be, that i’m lucky thati won’t have to change my last name much when we get married since yours is so similar. especially within 20 minutes of meeting me.
    -do not assume that because i went on one date with you i will be walking your dog regularly.
    -after you call me out on the unclassy move of lying about a mis-addressed text message, DO NOT follow up with a text message asking to play with my boobs.
    -do not herd me out of a bar by patting my ass. i am not livestock.

  181. ElleBeMe
    September 21, 2008 at 7:20 pm

    LOL…some of mine had already been mentioned…the, “Why did you study THAT?” question

    But the one that really sticks out for me is on our first date, do not proceed to tell me all about your ex who you almost married, and how much you want to get married…to then have me drive you HOME where you still live with your mother…who then proceeds to tell me all about what a wonderful husband you would make (as well as how your sister gave birth on the kitchen floor and she delivered the placenta).

    Oh and do not tell me when I can and cannot call you because NO ONE interrupts your viewing of ER…

  182. Kat
    September 21, 2008 at 7:26 pm

    Do not invite me over to your place to make lunch for me then give me a Lunchables, say “my soaps are on” and proceed to clean your guns will watching the Bold and the Beautiful. Only in Texas.

  183. September 21, 2008 at 9:43 pm

    “The first time I am in your apartment, please do not say “I’d like you to meet my Dad” as you pull a cardboard box of human ashes out of the bookshelf and hand it to me. ”

    See I would actually find that hilarious, rather than offputting.

  184. September 21, 2008 at 11:29 pm

    Do not order wine, then make a crack about getting me drunk on the second date.

    Do not order wine, then have no clue how to pour it. (Hint: It’s not soda, the glass shouldn’t be all the way full.)

    Do not order wine, not know how to pour it, then not know what I’m talking about when I make a Princess Bride reference.

    Do not, after all of that, try to ignorantly discuss politics with me.

  185. TxnPride
    September 22, 2008 at 12:01 am

    Do not blow me off when we had plans to go out and instead go with our mutual friend and her friends for chinese food. And not invite me. That was the death knell there.

  186. Lauren
    September 22, 2008 at 12:25 am

    When you are dating another girl do not ask to webcam with me and tell me you love me and then refuse to break up with the other girl. I told said girl and yes you deserved it. Leading up to this do not, I repeat, not, ask me for advice on teaching her how to give you a decent blowjob. Nice try, asshole, that is about the most insulting come-on I can think of.

    Another was a decently intelligent philosophy major and I figured we would hit it off intellectually. When we went on our first date things slowly drifted off and he told me he “only dates 10s”. Later that night I told him “you’re not exactly a 10 yourself”. Asshole. He then went on to get head shots the next weekend to start a modeling career that never took off. No surprise, I suppose.

    Tell me, *right away* that you are married and have three kids. Do not borrow someone else’s car just to convince me you are single when you *actually* driver a minivan with car seats in the back. Really, dishonesty will only make me hate you, esp. when I finally find out.

  187. Cher
    September 22, 2008 at 4:39 am

    Do not walk up behind me at a bar, with your buddy, when I have never laid eyes on you in my life, and touch my tattoos.

    Do not then, whilst touching my paw-print tattoo, say, “Look at that! Stamped for quality, Grade A!”

    Hint: comparing women to meat happens all the time. We do not like it.

  188. Annie
    September 22, 2008 at 12:06 pm

    Don’t pay for coffee by pulling a fist full of change out of your pocket, laying it across the counter top and counting out the quarters, dimes, nickles and pennies.

  189. Markus
    September 22, 2008 at 2:38 pm

    This is why I love masturbation. No rules!

  190. Alara Rogers
    September 22, 2008 at 2:58 pm

    Don’t pay for coffee by pulling a fist full of change out of your pocket, laying it across the counter top and counting out the quarters, dimes, nickles and pennies.

    Why not?

    I could see how that might be a bit annoying and hold up the line, but if change is all the person has… well, it’s legal tender, and if it’s in your pocket you might be eager to get rid of it. It’s *coffee*. Now if you said “don’t pay for a dinner at Ruth’s Chris Steak House” with change, that might make sense, but *coffee*?

  191. September 22, 2008 at 4:32 pm

    I didn’t share this before, since it happened when I was working, but someone else mentioned someone walking up and touching her tattoo.

    I worked in a health food store in what was then a hip part of Miami, and a guy walked up from behind me and KISSED the tattoo on my upper back. Then, when I whirled around and confronted him, he told me he had a bracelet outside for me in his Mercedes, and he wanted to take me to some (*insert exotic foreign country here, I forget which one*). I politely declined.

  192. Hershele Ostropoler
    September 22, 2008 at 4:43 pm

    “How deep the rabbit hole goes”? WTF? Am I the wrong sex to understand that?

  193. Hershele Ostropoler
    September 22, 2008 at 5:00 pm

    here’s a hint guys: if you’re planning on talking to your girl friends about other girls you like, it’s probably not a good idea to try to get with said girls.

    That actually worked for me.

  194. September 22, 2008 at 5:18 pm

    Do not, when we are already in the act of having sex, say to me, “Don’t leave any marks, I have a girlfriend.” Particularly when not only have you not mentioned this girlfriend, but explicitly lied about having a girlfriend when I asked you earlier in the evening.

    A mutual friend said later that it looked like he’d tried to have sex with a lawnmower.

  195. LanierThrill73
    September 22, 2008 at 5:57 pm

    Turnabout is fair play so for the single women out there:

    If you want me to pay for our first date in the traditional manner I can be ok with that but suggesting a particularly expensive restaurant or bottle of wine doesn’t give me a very good impression.

    Also please do NOT

    a. turn into an evil monster if I don’t want to sleep with YOU on your timetable and ask “what’s wrong with you, etc? Yes this really happens. ESPECIALLY don’t do this if it’s our first date.

    b. kind of continuing from above even jokingly suggest I might be gay just because I’m not a macho jerk like the guys you usually go out with. Quite secure in my masculinity and sexuality thanks very much.

    c. grab my phone and start looking at my text messages.

    d. tell me “I have no idea why I’m single” Or tell me that your mom thinks you’re such a catch.

    e. read me a breath-taking laundry list of “must haves” about what you want in a man unless you are also above-average in terms of looks, intelligence, success, etc.

    f. order a drink in a special souvenir glass that costs more than the drink normally would unless you’re my girlfriend.

    g. tell me you’d want a 3 carat ring on our first few dates

    h. tell me “OMG I’ve never done this before” if/when we’re having sex on the 3rd date…I know I’m not Casanova!

    i. tell me on our first date how kinky you are and that unlike most girls you love anal (believe it or not, this has happened more than once)

    j. hide from the fact that you are still living with your “ex” ESPECIALLY if you are currently PREGNANT by said “ex”

    k. be mean to the server because you’re afraid she’s sexier than you despite wearing an apron.

  196. CartoonCoyote
    September 22, 2008 at 9:55 pm

    These are all pretty good tips; I’m gratified to say that even the worst dating gaffe I’ve ever made just ain’t even close to any of these.

    A few more for the ladies:

    1) On our first-ever phone conversation (if we’ve first spotted each other via a dating website), don’t ask if I’m a “cunning linguist”. A question that crass, that early, is a smashing way of guaranteeing that you’ll never find out.

    2) Don’t bring up, in the first two minutes of our first-ever phone conversation, that you had required lots of therapy after your split from your common-law husband of nine years.

    3) If you’re not going to be able to make it for our meeting at an old used-book store in Detroit, when said meeting necessitates my crossing the U.S./Canada border, don’t send me an e-mail one hour beforehand when you have both my home and cell numbers.

  197. CartoonCoyote
    September 22, 2008 at 9:59 pm

    Oh, and one more thing: Being snotty to waitstaff for no good reason, regardless of the gender dynamics involved, is a good indicator that you’re a shitty human being. Be glad if it happens on the first date, so that you know right away to run screaming from the offender.

  198. MsLaurie
    September 23, 2008 at 3:09 am

    When splitting the bill, doing so down to the five-cent piece is a little particular. Especially if you had the more expensive meal, and we’re going halves in the total cost. You may want to get over that.

  199. Ali
    September 23, 2008 at 9:26 am

    After I repeatedly mention my boyfriend in front of you, don’t send me love poems by email. And after your wife (that you never mentioned… even while I repeatedly mentioned my boyfriend) calls me accusing me of having an affair with you, don’t still deny that you’re married until you end up getting divorced and then run to find me and tell me. And when I change my phone number (partially to get rid of you) don’t steal a mutual friends phone to get to my number becuase everyone knew better than to give it to you. And after you finally get the hint that I’m really really really not interested in you, don’t sniff my roommate’s hair.

  200. September 23, 2008 at 2:33 pm

    On the flip side of the age question:

    If you’re already in a relationship with me and we’ve already had sex, freaking out because *all of a sudden*, after we’re *already an item*, you realize how close in age I am to your daughter and getting all nervous about having sex with me, but still keeping me around, is not on. Either date me or break it off because you’re squicked, but PLEASE do not turn me wanting sex with you, the person I chose to date, into something supposedly gross.

  201. September 23, 2008 at 3:20 pm

    . . . I’m not a macho jerk like the guys you usually go out with.

    Really? Because you sound exactly like the kind of macho jerk I usually go out with.

  202. Julie
    September 23, 2008 at 3:36 pm

    Don’t show up at the restaurant where I work, ask me what is good and then assume I’m going to comp your meal when I say “I’m not eating it, get what you want to eat” ALSO, on said night, don’t proceed to get wasted, get cut off, and then argue with the bartender over your bill. Then start yelling at me and keep going on and on about how “it’s not about the money, but you said I could get whatever I wanted”

    Oh and one more thing…don’t come back the next week to apologize and get wasted again.

  203. Rae
    September 23, 2008 at 3:49 pm

    Don’t tell me that you won’t date people in consensually open relationships because “There aren’t thick enough condoms in the world for me to dip my toe into that pool,” and then turn around and say that you also won’t date people who insist on protection for oral sex.

    …I guess Megan-from-Jezebel and I won’t be hooking up any time soon.

  204. Spectrioe
    September 23, 2008 at 9:11 pm

    Not actually a date, but the guy was definitely trying:

    Don’t insist you’re not married if I’m friends with your wife.

    Don’t insist you don’t have a girlfriend if I know her too (and you just walked here hand in hand with her).

    If I say I won’t have sex with you I won’t change my mind if you repeat your request. Not even if you repeat it 30 times in next ten minutes.

    This has happened more than once:

    Don’t argue with me about my name. I actually do know my own name. Also don’t call me something else just because you don’t like my name.

  205. Zeben
    September 24, 2008 at 3:32 pm

    Yeah, you’re cute. But when we’re dancing, please don’t tell me you “wish I were thinner.”

  206. snowe
    September 24, 2008 at 4:46 pm

    Jill, your Olive Garden story is referenced on TWOP…or maybe the Olive Garden guy gets around.

    Lipstick Jungle: Fact vs. Fiction

    MYTH: The men are romantic.
    FACT: The ratio of single men to single women in this city guarantees that guys who’re short, fat, bald, poor, have halitosis and think a fancy night out at “this great little Italian restaurant” is a trip to Olive Garden are pulling model-caliber chicks. A decent looking guy with money doesn’t need to wine and dine a lady to get laid. That’s strictly the stuff of J. Lo movies.

  207. Oceanesque
    September 24, 2008 at 7:42 pm

    (All the same guy. Not a date, a stranger who gatecrashed a New Year’s Eve party that a female friend of mine hosted when I was in highschool or early university.)

    When your next-door neighbour and his fiancee get in their car in the evening and drive, don’t get in your car and follow them, without permission, to their destination because it’s New Year’s Eve and you’re lonely.

    When you arrive at the party that they were going to, completely uninvited, and no-one asks you to leave because a) they didn’t realise, or b) they felt sorry for you, or c) it was too awkward a conversation, behave yourself. You’re lucky to be there, be a model guest.

    Don’t notice that I have unshaved armpits, and then proceed to tell me how unhygienic, uncivilised and completely disgusting it is for women not to shave their armpits. Especially, don’t do this and then ask me out. Also, do you shave your armpits? If not, how do you get to judge mine?

    When I say no and walk away, don’t then tell my 18/19 year old friend that she looks 12 years old. And then ask her if she will go out with you.

    If both the women who rebuffed you are catching the train home together, don’t go with us. Didn’t you drive here?

    Especially, don’t get off at the same stop as me (when my friend is getting off the train at a later stop), and walk alongside me, and try to have a conversation.

    In the end, we walked past a vending machine and he asked if I would like a can of Coke. Now in those days I *hated* Coke with a vengeance, but I was desperate to get rid of him.

    So I said “Yes please!” and while he was getting the Coke from the vending machine, ran around the corner, around the next corner, and kept running.

    Neither I nor any of my friends ever saw him again to this day, thankfully.

  208. Maia
    September 24, 2008 at 10:22 pm

    Oh my, some of these are awesome!

    This wasn’t technically a date as it certainly wasn’t in my mind, just in his.

    Do not invite me on a ‘not date’ under false pretences. Do not tell me stories of your third failure to import a mail order bride. Do not offer me a massage, ignore me stating clearly that I am not interested, try to cuddle me and act surprised when I jump backwards. Do not speculate about my ‘obvious’ history of childhood trauma because I don’t find you irresistible and kindly offer to ‘fix’ me through creepy touching. Do not attempt to dismiss my anger. Do not expect me to treat you as if this is not a problem when I am forced into contact with you in the future.

  209. Jasie
    September 27, 2008 at 4:10 am

    Do not tell me that you’ve never tried it with an asian girl before and then proposition me for sex because you’re “curious.” And then when I politely decline, do not tell me that you think you could show me things I’ve never felt before. Especially don’t do this when you’re my ex-boyfriend-who-i-dated-for-three-and-a-half-years’ best friend.

  210. Genevieve
    September 27, 2008 at 8:33 pm

    Don’t bring your room-mate, with whom you (“totally not on purpose!”) are MATCHING. I will leave as soon as humanely possible.

    Don’t show up an hour late to our first date and say “I had to pick up my dry-cleaning.”

    Don’t get mad at me on our second (why did I do that?) date when I am five minutes late, call you to tell you that, and your response is “Oh, well, I was planning on being 10 minutes late anyways.”

  211. Genevieve
    September 27, 2008 at 8:49 pm

    Oh, and same as #69. Seriously, we’re going out for DINNER, don’t tell me you “already ate,” because even your skeevy room-mate will look at you like you’re stupid.

  212. September 28, 2008 at 4:22 am

    Do not, while you’re spending the night, thump me on the head with my lavender filled sleep mask to emphasize the question “Why do you have to be a feminist?” because you’ve seen my back issues of Bitch, and insist “guys don’t like that.”

  213. Cirisse
    September 28, 2008 at 8:15 am

    When I decide to go home from a date because I’m upset, do not follow me, pull me into an alleyway and refuse to let go of me until I “explain myself”. And don’t look surprised and hurt when I eventually burst into tears and ask strangers passing by to help me. Especially after I had already told you that I had been assaulted as a child.

  214. KaeLyn
    September 28, 2008 at 2:22 pm

    I can’t believe this thread is still going strong…

    1) Do not, while dancing with me at a bar, tell me that you have the opportunity to get it on with another woman tonight, but that you’re going to stick with me because I’m “a sure thing.”

    2) Don’t tell me that sex with me is like a full body workout and suggest that I make an excercise tape after we’ve had (mediocre) sex for the first time. That’s just weird.

    3) #2 guy, when you run into me and my then-current boyfriend five months later at the restaurant where you are a waiter, do not sit down at our table and proceed to make thinly veiled references about getting it on with me and then pat my boyfriend’s arm and tell him that I’m “a wild thing.”

    4) When I reveal to you that I am attracted to more than one gender, do not say, “Lesbian sex is so hot.” or “So are you into threesomes?”

    5) Twice, I have been hit on in gay bars by straight men. Don’t assume I’m straight just because I don’t fit your steroptype of what lesbians look like. I’m not a lesbian, but I am more interested in meeting some hot women than talking to your creepy ass.

    6) One of these gay bar guys did offer me a whole run-down of the ethnic diversity of his sexual history. He’d been with black women, Latinas, even Native American women. Buy never an Asian!” I was not compelled to complete his souvenier collection.

    7) Do not try to convince me that you could please me in a way my trannyboidyke partner (who you are assuming is a lesbian woman) can’t by telling exagerated stories about your penis To begin with, hier dick is waaaay bigger than yours…

    8) Biggest pet peeve. “Asian wmen are so…hot/smart/sexy/kinky/willing to please/etc,” is not a way to get my attemtipm In fact, I refuse to date anyone that expresses this enthocentric, racist bullshit to me.

    This is so cathartic!

  215. leaf
    September 28, 2008 at 4:39 pm

    Scene: Second day at a temp job. Some guy I’ve never seen before comes up to me out of the blue and asks how old I am. I’m 19. He says “Oh. Well I don’t know if they’ll serve you [alcohol], but do you want to go to [restaurant next door] for lunch?”

    Now, on the previous day, everyone *vanished* at lunch. So I figure they must have gone to this restaurant, and this guy is just trying to involve the new girl in the group lunch activity. Nice! Sure.

    Lunchtime arrives, again the place empties out. We go to the restaurant and:

    – It quickly becomes clear that it’s just us. Not the whole group.
    – He goes straight to the bar.
    – The bartender knows him. He has a “usual”, even.

    Oh boy.

    I order mozzarella sticks as they are the cheapest item on the menu, and I hope they will be quick to cook and quick to eat. “That’s all you’re getting?”

    He attempts to chat me up. My favorite line was something like this, said all at once without any chance for me to get a word in:

    “So, what do you like to do for fun do you like the outdoors do you like to go camping do you want to go camping with me?”

    Maybe a half hour along, to his meager credit, he finally realized that I was a conversational dead end, and he struck up a conversation about the game or something with the guy to his left. Thank goodness. I wolfed down my food and booked it out of there as fast as I could. I was already late in getting back, but he still argued with me to try to get me to stay out longer.

    I ran back upstairs and apologized to my supervisor. “I am SO sorry…. I had no idea that he meant…” Fortunately she just laughed it off. I also got a call from the temp agency with a new assignment for the next day, so I got to tell them all about why I was pleased not to be returning.

  216. ShifterCat
    September 30, 2008 at 12:11 am

    Re. 85: Not all men drink, and I’d say that if a guy is secure enough in his masculinity to order a Shirley Temple, more power to him.

    Not that this is enough to make up for major character defects, of course.

  217. Hostage of Romance
    September 30, 2008 at 6:21 pm

    Ladies, if you could please not:

    Ask _me_ out on a date, at the end of which I’m not even sufficiently interested to attempt to kiss you or make any other kind of pass at you, and then try to misinform my friends (whom I have known for years and you just met a month ago) by saying that _you_ weren’t interested in a second date because _I_ seemed too eager for “something serious.”

    Leave for me to find after dinner (which I cooked for you) that your insanity persuaded you to pee on my bathroom floor and bath mat, lay all the toilet paper rolls you can find (in storage cabinets or otherwise) in your pee puddle (the part not absorbed by the bath mat), and then deny that it was you, trying to convince me it “must have been my cat.” Especially when I don’t even have a cat.

    …it would be much appreciated. Thanks!

  218. September 30, 2008 at 9:33 pm

    Wow. I really feel that by being merely dull on dates, I have been a bit of an underachiever.

  219. Nix
    October 1, 2008 at 5:59 pm

    Yes. Please do not:

    1. …tell me we are going out with a group of work friends and then be all alone with flowers when I show up, constantly grab my hands and kiss them the entire night and then wrench a 20 minute apology out of me (while I am at work and on the clock) when I don’t answer your phone calls.

    2. …call me a demon. Not like, “oh you bitch, you’re such a demon.” No, like, running away screaming for your life, “YOU’RE A DEMON!”

    3. …threaten to kill yourself in front of me. Don’t call me, call 911. There are less numbers.

    4. …tell me that the way to keep you from moving away is not not giving you a blowjob.

    5. …make sure you don’t listen to anything I say about people I know, and then make base, off the mark assumptions and comments about their motives and actions.

    6. …continue to call me a liar if you are hitting on me at the bar and I tell you I’m not interested because I’m a lesbian. Just leave.

    7. …tell me that you’ve created a character based on me in your next movie and that I should be happy one day looking back on that fact…while you’re crying.

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