1. …tell me we are going out with a group of work friends and then be all alone with flowers when I show up, constantly grab my hands and kiss them the entire night and then wrench a 20 minute apology out of me (while I am at work and on the clock) when I don’t answer your phone calls.

2. …call me a demon. Not like, “oh you bitch, you’re such a demon.” No, like, running away screaming for your life, “YOU’RE A DEMON!”

3. …threaten to kill yourself in front of me. Don’t call me, call 911. There are less numbers.

4. …tell me that the way to keep you from moving away is not not giving you a blowjob.

5. …make sure you don’t listen to anything I say about people I know, and then make base, off the mark assumptions and comments about their motives and actions.

6. …continue to call me a liar if you are hitting on me at the bar and I tell you I’m not interested because I’m a lesbian. Just leave.

7. …tell me that you’ve created a character based on me in your next movie and that I should be happy one day looking back on that fact…while you’re crying.

Ask _me_ out on a date, at the end of which I’m not even sufficiently interested to attempt to kiss you or make any other kind of pass at you, and then try to misinform my friends (whom I have known for years and you just met a month ago) by saying that _you_ weren’t interested in a second date because _I_ seemed too eager for “something serious.”

Leave for me to find after dinner (which I cooked for you) that your insanity persuaded you to pee on my bathroom floor and bath mat, lay all the toilet paper rolls you can find (in storage cabinets or otherwise) in your pee puddle (the part not absorbed by the bath mat), and then deny that it was you, trying to convince me it “must have been my cat.” Especially when I don’t even have a cat.

…it would be much appreciated. Thanks!

Not that this is enough to make up for major character defects, of course.

Now, on the previous day, everyone *vanished* at lunch. So I figure they must have gone to this restaurant, and this guy is just trying to involve the new girl in the group lunch activity. Nice! Sure.

Lunchtime arrives, again the place empties out. We go to the restaurant and:

- It quickly becomes clear that it’s just us. Not the whole group.
- He goes straight to the bar.
- The bartender knows him. He has a “usual”, even.

Oh boy.

I order mozzarella sticks as they are the cheapest item on the menu, and I hope they will be quick to cook and quick to eat. “That’s all you’re getting?”

He attempts to chat me up. My favorite line was something like this, said all at once without any chance for me to get a word in:

“So, what do you like to do for fun do you like the outdoors do you like to go camping do you want to go camping with me?”

…

Maybe a half hour along, to his meager credit, he finally realized that I was a conversational dead end, and he struck up a conversation about the game or something with the guy to his left. Thank goodness. I wolfed down my food and booked it out of there as fast as I could. I was already late in getting back, but he still argued with me to try to get me to stay out longer.

I ran back upstairs and apologized to my supervisor. “I am SO sorry…. I had no idea that he meant…” Fortunately she just laughed it off. I also got a call from the temp agency with a new assignment for the next day, so I got to tell them all about why I was pleased not to be returning.

1) Do not, while dancing with me at a bar, tell me that you have the opportunity to get it on with another woman tonight, but that you’re going to stick with me because I’m “a sure thing.”

2) Don’t tell me that sex with me is like a full body workout and suggest that I make an excercise tape after we’ve had (mediocre) sex for the first time. That’s just weird.

3) #2 guy, when you run into me and my then-current boyfriend five months later at the restaurant where you are a waiter, do not sit down at our table and proceed to make thinly veiled references about getting it on with me and then pat my boyfriend’s arm and tell him that I’m “a wild thing.”

4) When I reveal to you that I am attracted to more than one gender, do not say, “Lesbian sex is so hot.” or “So are you into threesomes?”

5) Twice, I have been hit on in gay bars by straight men. Don’t assume I’m straight just because I don’t fit your steroptype of what lesbians look like. I’m not a lesbian, but I am more interested in meeting some hot women than talking to your creepy ass.

6) One of these gay bar guys did offer me a whole run-down of the ethnic diversity of his sexual history. He’d been with black women, Latinas, even Native American women. Buy never an Asian!” I was not compelled to complete his souvenier collection.

7) Do not try to convince me that you could please me in a way my trannyboidyke partner (who you are assuming is a lesbian woman) can’t by telling exagerated stories about your penis To begin with, hier dick is waaaay bigger than yours…

8) Biggest pet peeve. “Asian wmen are so…hot/smart/sexy/kinky/willing to please/etc,” is not a way to get my attemtipm In fact, I refuse to date anyone that expresses this enthocentric, racist bullshit to me.

This is so cathartic!

Don’t show up an hour late to our first date and say “I had to pick up my dry-cleaning.”

Don’t get mad at me on our second (why did I do that?) date when I am five minutes late, call you to tell you that, and your response is “Oh, well, I was planning on being 10 minutes late anyways.”