Kathleen Parker suggests that David Zucker (director of Airplane!, The Naked Gun and Scary Movie 3) deserves a Nobel Prize because his latest film makes fun of Michael Moore. Are conservatives really that desperate for something funny and entertaining that also reflects their political ideology? Are the Left Behind books just not cutting it anymore?
Here’s how Parker describes the film:
As the title suggests, the story line is based on Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol. Ghosts of the past — George Washington (Voight), Gen. George S. Patton (Grammer) and John F. Kennedy (Chriss Anglin) — squire America-bashing filmmaker “Michael Malone” around to see how the world would look if America hadn’t bothered to fight any wars.
Malone, brilliantly played by Farley, has joined forces with a left-wing group, MoveAlong.org, to ban the Fourth of July. He also has been hired by terrorists to make a propaganda film to help recruit a diminishing supply of suicide bombers.
And you thought suicide bombers weren’t funny.
The joke begins when two would-be terrorists enter a New York City subway station and are met at a security checkpoint by two NYPD officers. Just as they’re about to be searched, in rushes a squad of ACLU attorneys with a stop-search order.
“Thank Allah for the ACLU,” says one of the terrorists — and we’re off!
The vignettes keep coming so fast, it’s hard to keep up.
One memorable scene has “Rosie O’Connell” appearing on The O’Reilly Factor to promote her new documentary, The Truth About Radical Christians. The documentary shows two priests who hijack an airplane and storm the cockpit brandishing crucifixes. Next, we see two nuns festooned with explosives boarding a bus as passengers shout: “Oh no! Not the Christians!”
Another standout has Patton’s ghost showing Malone a modern-day plantation full of happy cotton pickers who thank Malone for being such a humane slave owner. Malone staggers at the sight only to learn that this is his plantation and these are his slaves — thanks to anti-war sentiment that prevented the Civil War.
In a line that filmmakers are still debating whether to cut, a smiling Gary Coleman finishes polishing a car and tosses his rag to someone: “Hey, Barack!”
No, he didn’t say that. Yes. He. Did.
And for spreading this message, Parker says, “maybe Zucker deserves not an Oscar, but a Nobel Prize.”
I need to go rinse the dumb out of my brain now.
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You mean that’s an actual premise for a film and not the product of a wankfest board meeting of the National Review?
Huh.
Wow. I really want to see this now. Preferably without any money going to the filmmaker.
Oh, this is perfectly accurate satire, because everyone knows if you are against the war in Iraq, it’s because you think America never should have gone to war ever, and not because Iraq was less of a threat to us before we went there than after, and that the president flat-out lied to the American people in order to justify us going there, and that there are more terrorists there now then before, and that we ignored the much bigger threats from other countries because they would have been less profitable…nope, it’s just because we’re a bunch of freedom-hating Scrooges!
I need to go lie down…
In other words, these filmmakers wrote this script in 15 minutes. Seriously, they couldn’t have come up with some clever names for their parodies?
I just want to know how much O’Reilly is going to play up this movie even when it bombs at the box office.
I just want to know how much O’Reilly is going to play up this movie even when it bombs at the box office.
I’m sure its box office bombing will be blamed on liberal stupidity or something equally ridiculous.
God, it sounds like my father-in-law wrote this. Seriously, I like the guy, but he’s so bad about this that he thinks his own son, a less-conservative Republican, is a communist. He probably thinks I’m a nazi.
The very existence of this piece of garbage makes me ashamed to be alived.
It depresses me, and it makes me sick, and I find it so offensive I would rather leave this country forever than see it. If anything makes me hate America, it’s this movie and the people who made it. More than anything, I hate them for ruining Airplane and James Woods for me.
They had money, they had backing, and people are going to watch it. If anything portends the end of our nation, it’s this kind of doublethinking hate hour.
Nicole, it might be possible to get the movie by interlibrary loan, costing you nothing, getting the producers no money that they wouldn’t have otherwise, and as a bonus, you’d be supporting libraries.
I would try to point out all the things that are wrong with that premise, but I’m afraid just thinking about it would make me dumber.
What really depresses me is that this is nothing more than the neo-con version of exactly what the creators of South Park have been doing for ten years. Thanks for the precedent, guys.
scamps: Hasn’t he read about the bailout? We’re all communists now, man.
This sounds like it defines “sophomoric.” Was it written by conservative rejects from the Harvard Lampoon?
I thought Zucker already got a Nobel Prize for Hot Shots! Part Deux!
Coming soon to a pirated bittorrent near you.
Well, he only got it half wrong, there really were a lot of people who thought the civil war should have never been fought. Except the last time most of them voted Democratic was during the Johnson administration…
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