Thomas posts about Anthony Ottaviano, an attorney at Paul Weiss in New York who was murdered by his girlfriend’s stalker. More specifically, Thomas writes about the New York Post’s sensationalist coverage of the murder — which basically amounts to “Pervert killed by other pervert.”
Ottaviano’s girlfriend, Edythe Maa, is a dominatrix and fetish model. Ottaviano also enjoyed BDSM in his private life. Maa had a stalker, who kidnapped her and killed Ottaviano before killing himself. This is how the Post describes it:
Ottaviano and Maa partied together at kinky New York City fetish parties, sometimes with him wearing lipstick, a garter belt, stockings and high heels.
His secret leather-loving lifestyle – seen on photos posted on fetish Web sites – turned out to be his downfall.
Actually, his downfall was a violent stalker.
The Post mentions that Maa had been stalked for months, and that friends recommended she get a restraining order but she didn’t follow through. Can you blame her, though? I’m sure she knew exactly what the judge would say to her; I’m sure she knew that her “lifestyle” would be blamed for attracting weirdos.
The Post is the same publication that printed the “One-Legged Hooker Slain” headline. And while most publications aren’t as insensitive or sensationalist as The Post, there are similar running themes in crime stories even in more reputable publications.
In Virgin or Vamp: How the Press Covers Sex Crimes
Similar narratives happen in murder cases where the victim is a social “other” — where she or he is transgender, for example, or a sex worker. “How [insert name here] Courted Death” sums up their media treatment — with an extra dash of “and they weren’t quite human anyway.”
Little Light wrote about a feminism of the monstrous, and her thoughts are informing this post. Piny’s piece about advocating not only for the most normative model of social acceptance but for those on the edges of perceived “normalcy” is also on my mind.
Thomas sent me this article, and in our email exchange he posed an important question that I can’t stop thinking about: What would they say about you if you died?
If media narratives are to be believed, I “court death” with some regularity — I go out to bars, I drink, I date men without adequate supervision, I travel alone. I’m also a cisgendered, heterosexual, white, middle-class professional, which mediates a lot of that and makes my existence and my choices more acceptable.
But who of us hasn’t been in a situation where if, God forbid, something happened, we’d be the slut or the freak or the weirdo who was asking for it? (I know that some of us have actually been in that position). And for those of us who live in skin and scales (to borrow from Little Light), the greater battle for social justice isn’t just about rights and liberties (although it’s about those, too). It’s about our most basic perceptions of humanity, and making sure that everyone is included under that umbrella.
When those outside of what’s “normal” or socially accepted — or those who transgress the established social boundaries for a person in their position — come into the media spotlight through death or other crime, the degree to which humanity is accorded to only a privileged few is startling.
And of course there are those whose deaths and other victimizations don’t even raise a media eyebrow.
Anthony Ottaviano was killed as he was coming home from having dinner with his girlfriend. His death is a tragedy. He sounds like he was a good man who will be much missed. My thoughts and condolences go out to his girlfriend as well.
If anyone has information about how Anthony would have liked to have been remembered and honored, please leave it in the comments.
“I’m sure she knew exactly what the judge would say to her; I’m sure she knew that her “lifestyle” would be blamed for attracting weirdos.”
Jill, this is such an unfair and biased statement. Neither she nor you could possibly know what a judge would do or say. Any story about murder is truly sad.
And what bothers me the most is the story implies that this woman seemed more concerned about a perception of her private lifestyle choice, rather than her very own physical life.
You’re right, Angela, that I can’t be “sure” that she knew what the judge was going to do or say. Maybe a restraining order would have been issued. I’m not a mind-reader and neither is Maa, and my choice of language was poor.
But people often make choices based on established and observed patterns of behavior. I’m not a sex worker, but I’ve seen how sex workers are treated by our legal system — it’s often dismissive and judgmental.
I’m also not implying that she was more concerned with the perception of her lifestyle than with her actual life. I don’t know what she was concerned or how she ranked her concerns. My only point was that people make calculations when evaluating their personal safety, and traditional law enforcement mechanisms simply aren’t as easily available to people who believe (based on experience and observation) that they’ll be scolded, judged, or not believed because of who they are or what kind of work they do. Which is why it’s ridiculous to shame or judge her for not getting a restraining order.
Oh yeah, my crime blotter report is pretty easy, as you already alluded to.
“Police have found the body of yet another dead transsexual ‘woman’ who was known to his friends as ‘Holly’ but whose REAL name we managed to look up by digging up some old high school yearbooks. The cause is still uncertain, but we’re fairly sure (from reporting these stories roughly once a month) that he may have been a prostitute, maybe one of those Asian call girls from the back pages of the paper, and probably tried to seduce some guy who found out ‘her’ true gender and then went into a murderous rage — totally understandable given the circumstances, of course. Oh wait — we’re getting new reports that the transgender was found wearing a pinstripe jacket and tie, and clutching a bloody Guitar Hero controller. Obviously a very confused individual. Wait, are we sure this isn’t one of those confused lesbians like that pregnant man? We’ll have to update you with more details after we interview a random person who lived downstairs, and dig up whatever other old photos we can find, like that really embarassing one from the Vatican City in 1995.”
The “downfall” line really bothered me as well — Ottaviano and Maa didn’t represent the first situation in which stalking lead to violence. They didn’t even represent the first time stalking lead to violence that very day.
Angela, I’m not sure Jill is saying what you think she’s saying. I think we all know that there are many reasons that women don’t seek protective orders, including hte frequency with which violent men walk right through them and kill women; but the social shaming of any woman who is publicly sexual is no small thing. (In fact, my co-blogger at YMYB, Stacy May Fowles, has up a great piece about how her sexual frankness and self-identification has led to rape, harrassment and violation.)
Of course she couldn’t read the mind of any particular judge. And we don’t know for sure what she was thinking. But is it at all unreasonable for her to fear that if she sought help she’d get a bunch of nasty jokes about her line of work and no real help? I think that’s a perfectly reasonable fear, and until we live in a world where a sex worker can take for granted that they can go to the police about a stalker client and not get shit for it, we have a lot of work to do.
Jill, thanks for posting this very thorough and insightful take.
Angela, when it comes to kinky/BDSM sex, expecting the law to protect us is foolish. In some areas, going to the law could even end up with the kinky person being the one they prosecute.
Given that BDSM is still in some circles regarded as a mental health problem, that people can end up losing their jobs if their sexuality is discovered, that people can find themselves utterly rejected by friends and family, I think there’s quite a lot that you stand to lose by going to the courts.
The fact is, the legal protections that are supposed to be for everyone, frequently don’t extend to those whose sexuality is considered deviant. By saying, “…what bothers me the most is the story implies that this woman seemed more concerned about a perception of her private lifestyle choice, rather than her very own physical life.” you are ignoring that she would have been gambling a huge amount against a pretty low probability of any benefit.
Anyone remember this gem of a legal loophole that Jill uncovered six months ago? It’s about different kinds of (and more criminalized) sex workers, but it’s a good example. In New York, the law insists that sex workers can’t really be trusted with making charges like sexual assault or rape, because it could just be “theft of services.” Perfect example of why sex workers of many different types feel they cannot rely on the courts or the cops, and why those of us that can enjoy some significant privileges that we shouldn’t just assume everyone can access without problems.
No Thomas, I don’t think it’s a reasonable fear not to seek police protection because of perceived thoughts. Granted there a few ignorant people in law enforcement who pass personal judgement based on their own perversed views, but when your life is in grave danger, you should never allow your thoughts to make you a vulnerable target.
I work as an ICU nurse here in Atlanta and I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had women from all walks of life in my unit who’ve gotten the crap beaten out them (and lost 3) and who never went to the police because of the very reason you cite. It hurts me because they didn’t allow themselves to be heard. I’ve given sworn testimony on two separate occassions against the APD because of their poor handling of domestic cases. And one of them lead to an officer’s termination.
So, even though I don’t understand alternative lifestyles completely, I make sure before any of my patients walk off my unit floor, that they file a police report.
(And it also helps to know the police captain if the officer(s) in question doesn’t follow up on the case. I may not be able to move mountains, but I can most certainly start some fires….. ;-)
Thank you, Holly and SDE.
BTW, this is in the US, where the legality of BDSM for private people behind closed doors is a mess — I can cite cases from several states for the proposition that BDSM is assault; there are also cases to the contrary. SDE is a Briton, where the law is actually quite clear: BDSM, beyond a certain threshhold of physical force, is a crime. The Law Lords decided that case, by a one-vote margin, in 1993. (And correct me if I’m wrong, but some depictions of BDSM, poorly defined, are now illegal to merely possess.)
As a practical matter, like so much in law, how this plays out depends on one’s social position. Privileged affluent cis-het me, here in the Northeast with a spouse that the State recognizes, is not worried about losing my freedom or my job. But the farther towards the margins people are, the more abuse they get for the same conduct. Sex workers who do BDSM for fun and profit don’t get the same treatment as those of us for whom it is entirely a matter of private intimacy. People of color don’t get treated the same, and us affluent folks who have fancy-looking toys will get treated better than poor folk who play with what they find or make. Would Holly get treated the same as me if the same cop saw the same bunch of floggers in our houses (and I’m not assuming anything about Holly’s sexuality; I’m just reaching for an example of someone who can’t expect the more or less fair treatment from law enforcement that I can take for granted)? Um, no. that’s not the way to bet.
So how would an Asian woman sex-worker who does BDSM for pay get treated? I’m certainly not going to second-guess her decisions about whether she could ask a judge in Philly for a restraining order and expect anythign good to come of it. She might not predict correctly, but she’s got better information that I do about her situation, and it’s her call to make.
Angela, our comments crossed and mine in is mod queue — but the woman may have quite reasonably faced arrest. Many cops don’t understand or choose to ignore the distinctions between legal sex work and illegal sex work, and there have been several pro doms busted in downstate New York over the last few years. So if she thought she would only draw a bullseye on herself for future arrest (not disapproval — arrest, loss of day job, loss of housing; real world consequences) then I don’t think we ought to second guess that.
In fact, I’m a little surprised we’re arguing on a feminist blog over whether a woman attacked by a stalker coulda, woulda, shoulda. Really? Are we still doing this?
Angela, I think the point is that these are large and systematic problems that need more than individual women making different choices. Do I wish that all women would report their stalkers, rapists and abusers? Of course! I also wish that all women would be heard and taken seriously. But since that’s not the reality for a lot of women, and since I think that individual women are in the best position to judge their own circumstances, I think it’s better to fight for greater support systems for people who need it, and greater accountability for law enformcent who don’t serve everyone equitably.
Until we have a system where everyone will be treated fairly, I choose not to heap blame on individual women who shy away from police reports and judicial appearances.
SnowdropExplodes, it does not matter (in my eyes) what kind of lifestyle you lead, no one deserves to be ignored by the law enforcement community.
I had an incident several years ago when a veteran detective made a crack comment about a drug addict who had been badly beaten by her drug dealer boyfriend. Both myself and my supervisor lit into him. After that Ms. D call his superiors, and we’ve not had anymore problems out of him and his partner since.
i worked as a Domme for 4ish years. i still know (few) women who are still practising. on the downlow, with no protection but what they can hire as bodyguards. because even though neither or nor my friends ever did anything illegal (and trust me, we were/are VERY careful that we don’t even go TO that legal line) we are still perceived as doing something illegal.
specific example – i used to do fireplay, i.e. setting people on fire (small, controled, very low heat fire). there is NOTHING in either federal or ohio law about this, and yet i was almost arrested more than once for “prostitution” (which is extra silly because i never actually got “PAID” for anything private. i was essentially doing performance art; most of the time, the people flambed were other people who worked in the stage show. when someone who wasn’t part of the crew wanted to do fire, they signed a ZILLION releases, and were FORBIDDEN to even tip!)
i had a stupid stalker. i tried to file restraining orders. which were thrown out because i “engaged in risky, attention seeking behavior” (actual quote). one of my poli-sci professors took my case, pro bono, and never got that restraining order. if i had agreed to stop “frequenting the club” they claim they would have given me the order, but since i wouldn’t stop going, they wouldn’t. and why should i stop? i had every right to be there! i am not going to let some jackass keep from doing something i love!
eventually, the CLUB banned him, and he went off to somewhere else.
“Both myself and my supervisor lit into him. ”
That’s fantastic. I’m glad you’re doing what you can to defend people at the margins. They need it the most.
Thomas, what is there to choose? Last I heard, stalking in NY is crime, is it not?
Jill, please don’t get me wrong, I’m not blaming women who are/have been victims of crime either. My oldest sister was sexually assaulted by a neighbor whom we thought we knew.
I guess down here in Atlanta, I’m use to the local communities using our local TV stations to embarass the hell out of the mayor and the police chief when their officers fail to do their jobs or get out of line.
Angela, did you not read what Denelian wrote? Not only could seeking a restraining order result in no restraining order; it could make her a target for arrest herself.
Oh, and this wasn’t NY. She lived, and it happened, in Philly. A worse police department you’d be hard-pressed to find. DC, maybe.
Angela, I (& I suspect others) can’t help but read your initial comment as “pity the poor misunderstood justice system! Won’t somebody please think of the high-status vanilla people?” If that’s not what you meant, that may help you understand the hostility you’re getting. “Don’t assume the judge will respond the usual way” doesn’t really mean “everyone’s entitled to protection”
Denelian, they said “attention-seeking”? Sheesh.
And look, I do live in New York, and have known sex workers who have gone to the police for help in domestic violence situations, and who have been promptly arrested and thrown in jail on a flimsy pretext. We got one women released in a case like that, but it happens all the time. I don’t know that WHAT would have happened to this particular woman in Philadelphia. She wasn’t at the very bottom of the perceived-status ladder of sex workers that cops and judges feel like they can abuse, although some people are indiscriminate. But there are plenty of examples out there of many kinds of sex workers, and other people, who absolutely can’t rely on the criminal justice system for protection.
Again in New York — the example I pointed out earlier. The LAW, as written, is biased against sex workers, implicitly treats sex workers like liars when it comes to anything having to do with sex, and can easily be construed to let rapists and sexual assaulters off the hook. That’s not one bad cop or one bad judge, that’s the law, the whole legal system. Don’t put your faith in it. Sure, there are many cases in which some good can be done by a restraining order. But you can’t blame people for not relying on something so thoroughly corrupt and biased against marginalized groups.
Angela:
A: The kind of furniture I have is a lifestyle; my love of spicy food is lifestyle; I have a life, and it ain’t alternative, it’s mine.
B: That’s nice.
Really? What you just said? That’s awful nice. It’s super. We all are theoretically equal under the law, we’re all people, we should all be treated equally, let’s get together and feel all right.
That’s nice. Hell, it’s adorable.
Lady, I hate to burst your bubble–and how have you maintained it, doing what you do?–but it ain’t fucking so. I may not deserve to be ignored by the law enforcement “community,” but the fact of the matter is, I’m a brown trans woman who in many places could be arrested just for walking down the street. And if I call to report an assault or rape–let alone harassment!–it’s just as likely I’ll be arrested myself, or at the very least treated like a suspect rather than a victim of a crime. This is how it is. This is how it works. And I’m not even a sex worker, and have the economic privilege of an “acceptable” job and a roof over my head, and I have the privilege of living in a city with anti-discrimination laws. Those laws don’t apply to sex workers, who’re right now in Portland experiencing a massive wave of harassment and worse from the police that’s cheered on by local media.
It just ain’t about deserving, and your stubborn refusal to acknowledge that leaves women like me out in the cold.
For many, many women, bringing law enforcement personnel into a situation will–guaran-goddamn-teed–make the situation worse. They cannot rely on law enforcement being helpful, treating them as citizens, or even treating them as people. And this goes beyond that to emergency services in general. Tyra Hunter aside–and she oughtn’t be–last time I had to go the the ER, I had the medical personnel loudly announced my trans status in the waiting room, argued over my pronouns instead of treating me, and eventually threw up their hands and said, well, with a body like yours, we just don’t know, go on home and good luck, no treatment offered. And I wasn’t there with a boo-boo–I was there as a cardiac patient. I got off easy.
For many women of color, sex workers, trans women, and other marginalized populations–especially those of us who live with experiences and memories of police harassment and assault–the idea that the lawmen are there to help us is usually ludicrous, and only a decision of absolute last resort. It would be nice if the world didn’t work that way, and hopefully someday it will. But for those of us automatically assumed to have been “asking for” whatever happens to us, up to and including being tortured to death, it’s just not so simple as “you should always always always go to the police. Not when the police are just as much of a danger as whoever else is harassing us.
Do you listen to the women you work with? Do you believe them when they say they have reason to fear the police–reason beyond the police maybe hurting their feelings? The last thing a woman being harassed, stalked, threatened, or assaulted needs is one more person not listening to her, not believing her, and dismissing her concerns, for Pete’s sake.
I know what they’d say if I was dead. It’s not pretty. How ’bout you?
For more on this topic, I would check out this post where there was a huge discussion about feminism and the criminal justice system — and be sure to read Jessica Hoffman’s open letter, too.
Another very important resource is INCITE! Women of Color Against Violence’s toolkit on community accountability. Check out the links. On that page and elsewhere, like in their great book The Color of Violence, INCITE does a good job of talking about the contradictions inherent in trying to protect women from violence while also relying on state tools of violence that can rapidly be turned against women, especially women of color, queer women, trans women, marginalized women.
I think I might as well quote them:
There are no easy answers. The cops are not an easy answer, not for everyone.
Or, y’know, as usual: what Holly said.
Angela, why are you implying that *we* don’t think everyone deserves to be heard and protected? Your comments reflect privilege – because of your privilege you believe you can trust law enforcement. Some people aren’t so lucky, and they know it.
Can Holly and Little Light just run the world plz? Because I feel like every time they come on a thread I’m all, “Yeah. Just, what they said!”
When a person is obsessed, as this man was with Maa, there is NO piece of paper that will stop him from obsessing over her. If anything, it probably would have pushed his button even more from not being able to have her. Maa is a victim here in every sense. And a restraining order would not have saved her late boyfriend’s life.
Some days knowing what they would say if I was dead is the only thing keeping me alive.
Boo to the Post who can go to hell with gasoline drawers, yay to Holly.
Aww, no love for Chicago’s finest? They’re easily in the upper echelon of disgusting, ignorant, abrasive, corrupt human garbage with shiny badges, blue uniforms, and strong opinions about what kinda people deserve protection and what kind deserve a beating and maybe a bit of torture (literally).
Far be it from me to fawn over anyone, but I don’t think little light could get any cooler without ending up being responsible for the heat death of the universe.
This is it put simple: If you don’t cleave very close to what mainstream society perceives as “normal”, every time you interact with law enforcement you’re rolling a set of loaded dice, with the potential losses becoming greater and greater the farther away you are from that subjective “normal”. It shouldn’t be a gamble, but it is. We should all be afforded the same protection and respect by law enforcement, but we are not and to pretend otherwise can be almost as dangerous if not more dangerous than choosing not to interact with them. I can’t blame anyone for a decision I’d probably make myself. I’d rather take responsibility for my own protection upon myself and rely on support from those around me rather than taking the chance of entrusting my well-being or the well-being of my family to someone who may very likely decide that I not only really don’t deserve their protection but I deserve to be run in or harassed on general principle.
I can only barely comprehend using such ridiculous terrible CRAPTASTIC wording if a piece of leather he had secreted away somehow broke free, physically *leapt up* and throttled him before skittering off into its lair.
Instead of, you know, a stalker murdering him for the having the audacity to date someone. (Dating someone is such a risky, perverse lifestyle!)
I’d probably be remembered very fondly, and promptly pimped out as part of the media narrative of virginal!White girl murdered!!eleven1one *lock up your daughters!*… unless I ever have sex. Then it will be more like slutty!White girl murdered!!eleven1one *lock up your daughters!* Too bad I’m not more photogenic and under-aged. I could get sainted by that creepy group with the Romanian(?) girl from the 1900s! My life’s ambition!
(I intend to someday be one of those people with the obit full of euphemisms though, I won’t lie! “Our grandmother…had an ‘active social life’…” my grandchildren will mutter awkwardly at my funeral. “She, um…she was an ‘education’ for many a willing dude…”)
Thomas; yes, exactly. and the work that i did barely resembled anything sexual! but, calling the police… i really really don’t want to have to go through the whole “I am NOT a prostitute and even i was i am being hurt by that person” AGAIN. to (mis)quote Heinlein “It’s not worth it to try and teach a pig to sing – it wastes your time and annoys the pig” i can’t say about Philly cops, but the ones here in Columbus can’t differentiate between a prostitute, a Domme and a party girl – we all have vaginas and all have sex, therefor we all should be treated as criminals.
Hershele Ostropoler; yep, “attention seeking”. since i am not a perfect barbie-type of girl, ANYTHING i do must be soley to attract a man. seriously. the judge who was in charge the second time i tried for the restraining order is the one who said that, and told me i would have better luck finding a husband at church. and when i told him that i WASN’T seeking a husband, he laughed and called me a liar. ARGH! then the DA tried to get me in trouble for filing a frivilous suit, and said that he felt bad for me, that i must be mentally unstable to seek men in such a way, etc. i am SOOOOOOOO glad my professor was willing (eager, really) to be my lawyer, otherwise i’d probably be in a mental hospital somewhere.
the sad, scarey thing here is that i am quite literally the most VANILLA person i know. yes, i worked BDSM shows, but only for fire (its not sexual for me, i’m a pyro lol). every single person i know is more kinky than i – i am monogomous, straight, don’t get into BDSM in my personal life, don’t drink/do drugs, etc. yet i have almost been arrested for prostitution 3 times (once was at a gaming convention, the other two were work related). i don’t know how all the women i know who still work in the sex scene at all do it – fear of being arrested for real is what drove me out, and what they do in inherently more “dangerous” (legally)than what i did.
It bothers me that the media portrays it so much about the lawyers secret lifestyle.
Has anyone brought up the fact the muscle head may have been on steroids?
I know people who use them and it makes them violent, maybe the muscle head shot up that day and couldn’t control his stupid little head(either one of them).
Funny how on his myspace page he has numerous pictures of himself with different women, but she couldn’t go to dinner with another man?
The story should be about some deranged muscle head , not about an attorneys lifestyle. Hell, i would let her whip me too.
(Thanks for the nod, Jill.)
Instead of, you know, a stalker murdering him for the having the audacity to date someone. (Dating someone is such a risky, perverse lifestyle!)
What Holly and Little Light said about expectations; what Thomas and Denelian said about the vulnerability of kink; what Jill said about laying blame.
But…IAWTC, too. It’s yet another dismaying aspect of this coverage. This man wasn’t murdered because he was a kinky man dating a kinky woman. He was murdered because his girlfriend was abused by a stalker, and that stalker became violent towards him, too, because stalkers often become violent towards their victims and often try to control them. They were both attacked as part of a very familiar pattern that has sweet fuck all to do with any of the details of their lives. The sensationalist coverage isn’t just turning BDSM into a vector for violent death. It’s providing misinformation about what this kind of abuse is and how it works.
“It just ain’t about deserving, and your stubborn refusal to acknowledge that leaves women like me out in the cold.”
Little Light, I have no bubble to burst. I’m a woman of color with a husband and 3 grown children. Like you, I know harrassment too, but I also know how to create a huge stink when I need to. And you are correct that I’m stubborn…stubborn to the fact that I refuse to accept that you (or anyone else here) deserve mistreatment. Your lifestyle (however different it may be) is no excuse for some SOB to take it away from you.
SarahMC, I’m a woman of color.
Angela: for all your troubles, if they threw you in jail purely for being a WOC, you would have a huge army of supporters to argue your case.
If a kinky person, or a sex worker, gets thrown in jail for being kinky or a sex worker, you get a huge army of newspapers and media pundits saying “serves the bitch/asshole right!” and very few people willing to stand up and be counted, for fear that they might end up the same way (or at the very least, ostracised by friends and family).
The fact is, the option of “creating a huge stink when they need to” is not open to a lot of sex workers or kinky folks, when it comes to standing up to the prejudiced and harmful attitudes of law enforcement.
Yes, we can do such things in a generalised, “on principle” way, with organised marches and protests and letter-writing campaigns, but in the sort of situation described in the OP – no, I don’t see it as being an option for a lot of kinky folks or sex workers.
I feel like we’re having two different conversations here. Angela, I’m not even sure what you’re responding to. No one on this thread has said that someone’s lifestyle or identity is an excuse to harass or kill them — of course no one is saying that!
What we are saying is that while in an ideal world all individuals would have the right and the ability to get legal protection, that is not the reality for all people. It should be, and I admire people like you who fight for their rights and who try to help others do the same. But for some people, that isn’t a possibility. A lot of people have first-hand experience being mistreated by police — sex workers, for example, are pretty routinely harassed, belittled, or forced into performing sexual acts with cops in exchange for their release. Does that happen every single time? No, of course not. Is it guaranteed to happen if a sex worker goes to the police to, say, report that a john beat her up or raped her? No. But when you learn something from enough experience, and when a body of evidence points toward a particular conclusion, it’s not irresponsible or stupid to avoid law enforcement or make certain other self-protective choices that a more privileged individual might not make.
One more thing, Little Light, I do listen to the women who come to my unit and yes, I do believe them. I know of no one who enjoys a stint in the ICU.
And for heaven sakes, why are you still in Portland?
Nobody’s saying that people “deserve it” or that we should just accept that people will be mistreated. Of course not. Look, here in New York there are loud noises and rallies and political organizing going on constantly about police mistreatment of some communities — queers, low-income people of color, immigrants. It’s not like anyone is just sitting back and saying “oh well.” But it’s an ongoing struggle.
Maybe where you are the police and the courts can be easily chastised, they apologize and hang their heads and then they don’t do it again. It certainly doesn’t work like that everywhere. The media is not always sympathetic, or more than cursory. Around here, the police have to shoot an unarmed man dozens of times on the eve of his wedding (like Sean Bell) , or rape someone with a plunger (like Abner Louima) before people get really upset, before media coverage goes on for a prolonged period of time.
That doesn’t mean people are stopping the fight or staying silent. But it does mean that in the meantime, while we live in this kind of world, people need alternatives too. (Check the INCITE link I posted, for instance.) We can’t expect everyone to just go to the cops for help, or go to the courts — not when there are laws on the books that institutionalize bias against sex workers. Going to biased, out-of-control institutions become a huge risk. Because they often won’t help. Or they’ll turn it around on you and do something far, far worse. Do you want or expect individuals to risk that — so that there’s even a small chance they’ll become the next name that’s chanted in the street in outrage, until the media gets tired of the story? I couldn’t ask that of anyone. If you know a precinct or an officer that can be trusted, or an organization that tries to shepherd people through the legal system, that’s worthwhile to be sure — I work with one such organization. But it’s up to each person whether they feel safe enough with the cops to go to the police for help.
Angela: for all your troubles, if they threw you in jail purely for being a WOC, you would have a huge army of supporters to argue your case.
I understand the point you’re trying to make here, but this isn’t how this works either. Sex work is mostly criminalized, and so sometimes is kink, but criminalization is only a part of the process. The common oppression is the belief that one’s circumstances, identity, “lifestyle,” all make you deserving of extralegal brutality and even murder; that there are certain groups who are categorically criminal and dangerous; that the law is only for the protection of the few; that due process is a premium and not a fundamental right.
That’s the really insidious part. That’s when the police become terrifying. Women of color aren’t remotely shielded from this status quo. Large numbers of women of color are currently rotting–sometimes literally!–in prison because of racism and sexism, and there isn’t much rioting in the streets on their behalf.
Angela, is it your position that she had an obligation to seek a restraining order, even if she feared arrest or harassment, just because she had a legal right to seek one?
Can we drop the tired old “lifestyle” trope, please? Using the term to describe people into kink, or people into people of the “wrong” gender, or people into sex under the “wrong” circumstances, or really to describe anything that is a central part of a person’s identity and sense of self, is judging someone. The term lifestyle implies a whole host of things (choice, abnormality, and frivolity, to name a few) which all serve purely to marginalize the people being so described. “Lifestyle” is a convenient tag because it allows judgment without having to resort to the kinds of expression that would normally catch hell in the social group in which a discussion is taking place. Its a subtle form of othering. Worse, using the “lifestyle” tag doesn’t actually add anything to the discussion or make whats being discussed any more clear. It isn’t shorthand for a complicated concept, it isn’t the jargon of a specific community, all it is is a way of keeping the “aberrant” behavior being judged in the forefront of the discussion.
Also, Angela, your response to SarahMC was a non-sequitur. She didn’t say you had white privilege. She said you have privilege. You’re cisgendered, I take it? And not a sex worker? That privilege.
New York Law Journal’s print article on his murder was only slightly better.
@ piny: yeah, I realise I worded that spectacularly badly and ended up saying something a lot different from what I was trying to get at.
I think the point I was aiming at (and missing by miles) was that suggesting that “creating a stink” would work, or is even possible, for some people, seems to me like a privileged position to take, and that saying “I know how to create a stink” seems somehow to be a victim-blaming statement.
Instead, I happily jumped aboard and showed off my own privilege and victim-blaming skills instead. Heh.
In the ten years that I have been fortunate enough to know Anthony, I can only attest that he was an incredible human being who carried a dignity, kindness and sound character that is incredibly rare to find in NYC. I found out about this tragedy when I’d called him to thank him for a book he had given and to take him up on an overdue lunch- I was always thanking him for something because he gave his compassion and heart so freely. This loss is incredibly painful for all who were lucky enough to know him. In terms of the press, what they have done to his name is both cheap and horrifying. We who know the real Anthony can rest well in remembering his selflessness and his beauty.
Angela-
Despite your concerns for the victims of violence you have helped you don’t seem to quite understand sexual and domestic violence. Seeking an order of protection does not automatically make one safer. In fact it can make a situation worse. A victim of a particular partner, relative, enfatuated semi stranger is the only one besides the perpetrator who can come close gauging what is likely to put them in a more or a less safer place.
You have no right to demand that victims you work with file a report. Victims of abuse already have at lease one person trying to control their every move. Why is it so many victims of abusers don’t seek out the “professionals” for help and especially law enforcement? Because they CAN’T keep them safe – and in many cases the requirements for getting help put them at more risk. Who are you to be yet another person attempting to do what you believe is the right course of action?
Stop blaming the victim… this is a perfect example of how vulnerable sex workers are.I enjoyed reading everyones comments,thank you! We need to continue the dialogue and create awareness… and sensitivity to the conditions in which many sex workers live and work. As a former sex worker, I understand much of this from personal experience…I am grateful to be out of the biz but do not regret my past. I will continue to take risks to champion our cause! Our lives matter!
This story hit close to home in more ways then one…I also wanted to extend my condolences to the victims of this senseless crime….I am truly sorry for your loss.I wish you serenity and peace in 2009.