FYI, I have a birthday coming up in August.

I know you’re been searching for the perfect present, but you can stop now:

The best part of the site are the comments, like this one from “Former M’er”:

I’m so excited. As a former masturbator I plan to get every color. I want everyone to know power of Jesus is stronger than the devil’s urge to purge.

It’s true. Plus Satan gives you hairy palms.

Stolen from J.Val‘s g-chat status.

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65 comments for “FYI, I have a birthday coming up in August.

  1. Ex-Republican
    February 4, 2009 at 10:41 am

    That could be one of the funniest things I have ever seen. Although, I prefer the Ex-Fornicator T-Shirt.

  2. February 4, 2009 at 10:44 am

    Haha, I totally want an ex-fornicator one! As someone who’s married now, it’s actually true! Where as the masturbator shirt, in the other hand . . .

  3. Tiffany
    February 4, 2009 at 10:51 am

    Do they have anything for the current masturbator? How about a “future masturbator” shirt for the babehs?

  4. Josephine
    February 4, 2009 at 11:05 am

    Anyone have any thoughts on this? I was mortified….

  5. February 4, 2009 at 11:10 am

    Wow. The comments on the site even seem sincere! Don’t they know people will totally wear this to make fun of it??

  6. Kristen (The J one)
    February 4, 2009 at 11:12 am

    I would get the ex-fornicator shirt, but it just seems wrong. It’s like the SO said right after we got married…”Its seems dirty to have church sanctioned sex…like we’re participating in their evil conspiracy.”

  7. February 4, 2009 at 11:16 am

    I would get the ex-fornicator shirt, but it just seems wrong. It’s like the SO said right after we got married…”Its seems dirty to have church sanctioned sex…like we’re participating in their evil conspiracy.”

    I know . . . it’s true. I miss the days of joking about our fornication.

  8. preying mantis
    February 4, 2009 at 11:18 am

    Is there an “ex-ex-” version? Because I totally want that one.

  9. Ellen
    February 4, 2009 at 11:25 am

    This makes me so sad. You really do have to wonder what makes people obsess over this. I just read a book on the history of American childhood. All the Puritans could talk about was sex. The Kellog’s were also obsessed with it. Cold cereal was initially intended to curb masturbation. They even performed clitorectomies on children who were caught masturbating. I really thought that dark period of our history was over.

  10. anon
    February 4, 2009 at 11:53 am

    I really really really really don’t get this shit. I mean, even if you DID think that masturbation was Teh Evol and you were really glad you did stop, WHY IN THE NAME OF SANITY WOULD YOU EVEN CONSIDER WEARING A SHIRT LIKE THIS?

    I mean, it’s the apparent fact that these guys are not wearing these tshirts as a joke that just makes me feel like a seperate species altogether from these people. WTF?

    (Hell yeah, an ex-ex- shirt? HA HA HA HA)

  11. February 4, 2009 at 11:56 am

    Wow, I choked with laughter for a second, but watching the video and reading their site just makes me depressed. It’s so unhealthy and puritanical and disturbing, not to mention homophobic. Shudders.

  12. February 4, 2009 at 12:10 pm

    @Josephine: Holy goodness, that is unsettling. “Math club nerds?” Nice.

    And I love these shirts.

  13. AL
    February 4, 2009 at 12:14 pm

    one of the commenters proposed an ex-suicidal shirt…I am speechless

  14. February 4, 2009 at 12:19 pm

    @ AL: I think the “ex-drug addict” and “ex-alcoholic” shirts are pretty bad, too. That’s an arrogance, in my experience, that most recovering addicts don’t portray.

  15. chingona
    February 4, 2009 at 12:23 pm

    How about a “future masturbator” shirt for the babehs?

    I take it you don’t have kids?

  16. misstippin
    February 4, 2009 at 12:41 pm

    Is it just me, or do both of these models look like they haven’t had a decent night’s sleep in weeks?

  17. Karalora
    February 4, 2009 at 12:52 pm

    If I saw someone wearing this shirt, I would inform them, as tactfully as possible, that it rather defeats the purpose of breaking up with someone if you continue to stroke them off.

  18. SoE
    February 4, 2009 at 12:54 pm

    Feminsting also quotes a absolutely hilarious article

    Anyway, here’s the corrected version:

    Most people who have enganged in masturbation know that the culmination of this sexual act ends in mess of body liquids all over your hand and stomach. I don’t have to share with you the thousands of emails of the admittance of this mess, because you know all too well since you have experienced it yourself. Curled up in a reclined postion, desperately looking for tissues, hoping that nobody’s going to enter the room and you are scummier than you were before because you had come on yourself.

  19. February 4, 2009 at 12:55 pm

    Yes, infuriating all around. And unChristian and unbiblical. And as a reovering addict, I find the references to ex-addicts appalling.

  20. SA
    February 4, 2009 at 1:02 pm

    My favourite is “Ex-hypocrite.” Words fail me.

  21. February 4, 2009 at 1:05 pm

    And is anyone else wondering about the nuances of having a black man wearing an “Ex-slave” t-shirt?

  22. February 4, 2009 at 1:08 pm

    I take it you don’t have kids?

    Buh? I take it you don’t talk to your kids about masturbation…?

  23. Kristen (The J one)
    February 4, 2009 at 1:11 pm


    I think Chin was referring to the fact that babies sexually gratify themselves all the time. You sort of have to tell them at around 18 months or to stop doing it in public. ;)

  24. chingona
    February 4, 2009 at 1:19 pm

    Kristen’s got it. For “future masturbator” to be accurate, it would have to be in a pretty small size.

  25. shah8
    February 4, 2009 at 1:35 pm

    /me was grinning at the person who hasn’t been around enough toddlers…

  26. Bea
    February 4, 2009 at 1:36 pm

    @Karalora — I just about died laughing. Thanks, I needed that today.

    I don’t think many people who really and truly found masturbation shameful would wear this out in public and admit they used to do it (if they genuinely don’t anymore.)

  27. February 4, 2009 at 1:43 pm

    I find these t-shirts sad and exploitative of those who are encouraged or pushed to wear them to prove that they have repented. Too often more complex problems are blamed on masterbation or fornication.

    I doubt that they sell ex-rapist t-shirts or ex-molester t-shirts even though those are indisputably greater sexual sins.

  28. llamachameleon
    February 4, 2009 at 2:18 pm

    @Hugo – The ex-slave one really jumped out at me too. I’m left speechless by the whole thing.

  29. ipens
    February 4, 2009 at 2:31 pm

    also sad is my intense desire to purchase an ex-hypocrite shirt. while i don’t want to sustain these folks in any way (other than driving their site hits up by pointing all my friends to them so that we can engage in shared hilarity), the appeal is almost too great to resist.

  30. CBrachyrhynchos
    February 4, 2009 at 2:33 pm

    @Bea: I don’t think many people who really and truly found masturbation shameful would wear this out in public and admit they used to do it (if they genuinely don’t anymore.)

    Ohh, I’m not so certain about that. There is a fair quantity of evangilism which starts with lurid tall tales about how depraved a life the speaker used to live before he or she was saved by the blood of the lamb.

  31. Kristen (The J one)
    February 4, 2009 at 2:38 pm


    I agree…the more awesome sinful your life before “Christ”, the more sad striking your story of being “saved” from joy temptation.

  32. CBrachyrhynchos
    February 4, 2009 at 2:50 pm

    Of course, as Laqueur documents in Solitary Sex (a rollicking good non-fiction read) the obsession with masturbation goes back to a patent-medicine scam.

  33. Phrone
    February 4, 2009 at 2:54 pm

    Really scary, but at least they’ve acknowledge that (gasp) women masturbate. I knew some people in college who didn’t think women could/would masturbate. And there was one time in an art class where I walked into a discussion about this, where the conversation was “no they can’t” v “yes they can, if they have like a cucumber or something.”

    It was….strange.

    Also, apparently even fetuses masturbate (at the very least, they experience orgasms). You learn something new every day.

  34. February 4, 2009 at 4:41 pm

    i’m going to make a (undoubtedly poorly crafted –hanes & sharpie) “ex-crazy” shirt as an homage to the first 12 years of my life i spent being indoctrinated with this sort of cockamamy bullshit.

  35. Manju
    February 4, 2009 at 4:46 pm

    when i saw this, i almost had a stroke

  36. pennylane
    February 4, 2009 at 5:13 pm

    The ex-slave thing really confuses me. Pardon my theological ignorance but is it metaphorical slavery (ie, slave to my impulses or obedience to an improper master?) or literal slavery?

    Regardless, the choice of models was questionable at best.

  37. Claire
    February 4, 2009 at 5:21 pm

    The ex-homosexual shirt would be fantastic for a transgendered person who is straight in their target gender.

  38. Manju
    February 4, 2009 at 5:25 pm

    look, this is a sticky situation. we all need to get a grip on oursleves.

  39. Manju
    February 4, 2009 at 5:26 pm

    of course, if i saw someone in this shirt, i’d think they’re getting a lot of sex

  40. February 4, 2009 at 5:44 pm

    @Karalora: WIN

    @pennylane: I’d assume they mean metaphorical, but…fail.

  41. CartoonCoyote
    February 4, 2009 at 6:40 pm

    Take the matter in hand, I say!

    I left a comment to the effect that that T-shirt was so cool it gave me a hard-on (“PRAISE Jesus!”). Sadly, it has to get through a moderator, and what are the chances of that?

    Suggestion: On the back it should say “Jesus: Master of MY Domain!”

  42. Kristen (The J one)
    February 4, 2009 at 6:44 pm

    Suggestion: On the back it should say “Jesus: Master of MY Domain!”

    Hrm…would “Jesus: Master of MY Genitalia” be considered crude?

  43. Misspelled
    February 4, 2009 at 8:24 pm

    “Ex-hypocrite” is just too many layers of irony for my tiny, masturbation-weakened mind to handle.

  44. gogobooty
    February 4, 2009 at 8:32 pm

    Why do the EX-masturbators look so SAD?

    Perhaps they will take up “saddlebacking” (anal sex practiced by Christian teens in order to “preserve virginity”)*.

    *see Dan Savage

  45. February 4, 2009 at 8:33 pm

    LOL, total misinterpretation. That is actually part of what I was thinking of when I was envisioning “talking to your kids about masturbation.”

  46. Julie
    February 4, 2009 at 8:40 pm

    Cara, that was the exact same thought I had about the ex-fornicator shirt. I even briefly contemplated buying it just for the laugh, but then thought better of it. I used to joke about about what an evil heathen fornicator I was too.

  47. Shelby
    February 4, 2009 at 10:01 pm

    I think this picture featured on the site sums it all up quite nicely:

    In other words…”Negroes!!! Shed your sinful, lustful skin and whiten yourselves for Jesus!” It’d be funny if it weren’t so sad. Black people have been told for so long that we’re sexual deviants that sometimes we take that purity thing to a whole new level…

  48. Tor'dThisTime
    February 4, 2009 at 11:46 pm

    Presented without comment: at the same time as these shirts are being sold by a church 4chan is currently running a program called “no fap February.”

  49. CassieC
    February 5, 2009 at 5:59 am

    A good friend has a beloved “I jerk off” T-shirt. It’s quite fantastic. The thing about masturbation is that everyone is doing it (hopefully), but very few are loud and proud about it.

  50. February 5, 2009 at 9:50 am

    I really, really want an “ex-straight” shirt now.

  51. Axiomatic
    February 5, 2009 at 9:58 am

    Come on, nobody on 4chan is going to make it to the end of this week.

  52. Claire
    February 5, 2009 at 10:19 am


    Threads last about 40 seconds on 4chan these days, and my working theory is that that’s how long it takes the participants, collectively, to finish up with fapping.

  53. February 5, 2009 at 12:27 pm

    The Graham Diet lives!

  54. Alex, FCD
    February 5, 2009 at 2:11 pm

    Wouldn’t a t-shirt that says “liar” be a simpler way of getting the same message across? It kind of reminds me of the Mitch Hedberg bit where he says “I used to do drugs. I still do, but I also used to.”

  55. Peter VE
    February 5, 2009 at 8:15 pm

    To paraphrase Mark Twain: quitting masturbating is easy: I’ve done it a thousand times….

  56. February 5, 2009 at 8:53 pm

    Did anyone watch the video? About 11 minutes through, the makers of the shirt talk about what’s technically masturbation. This one woman claims that she never touched herself and that she achieved orgasm by thinking. They didn’t take a shot of her pants, but I’m sure they were on fire.

  57. Alara Rogers
    February 5, 2009 at 10:31 pm

    This one woman claims that she never touched herself and that she achieved orgasm by thinking.

    Technically, you *can* do this, but you usually need to be asleep at the time.

  58. Nacey
    February 6, 2009 at 12:36 am

    I want one that says “Enthusiastic Masturbator”. They can’t be saying Jesus never shot a load in his life. He was 33 years on this earth for God’s sakes, in the body of a man! A dudes gotta do what a dude’s gotta do!

  59. Claire
    February 6, 2009 at 2:24 am

    Alara: More likely, the woman has never had an orgasm by any means, and has mistaken the barest hint of burning excitement in the crotchal-region for the genuine article.

  60. j
    February 6, 2009 at 4:35 pm

    I can get pretty aroused by thinking/seeing certain things, and for all I know, maybe some people can get to orgasm that way. But how in the world is that any less dirty than touching yourself to get off?

  61. j
    February 6, 2009 at 4:37 pm

    but hey, I’m not religious and never have been, so I can really only watch and wonder at this kind of logic. I don’t even really understand what their definition of dirtiness/wrongness is. Touching oneself always seemed much “cleaner” to me than touching another person.

  62. UnFit
    February 6, 2009 at 4:55 pm

    Oh yea, right, that’s what I’m waiting for. Someone to *free* me from masturbation. WTF!?

  63. May 22, 2009 at 11:07 pm

    I wish I IDed as a lesbian so I could get the ex-bisexual shirt. I don’t think that’s there intention though.

  64. May 22, 2009 at 11:16 pm

    I meant their of course.

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