Feministe’s Next Top Troll, March Madness Edition: The BABY-KILLERS Bracket

It’s March Madness, Feministe-style: We’re doing a troll run-off to highlight some of our all-time favorite comments and pick the winner of Feministe’s Next Top Troll, Season 4. This is Bracket Six, the BABY-KILLERS Bracket.

Potentially triggering troll comments below the image. Vote for your favorite of the BABY-KILLERS bracket at the bottom.


Ed:

A rose by any other name is still a rose

abortion is MURDER

VERSUS

Brandon:

Why are more people worried about animal rights when 1/3 of the people I could have been friends with were murdered? I think we should really focus on how killing children is bad more than KFC’s abuse of chicken.
How can one be pro-choice and vegetarian?
Animals are more important then children? How is that possible? Humans have the ability to choose, while animals only think on instinct. We need to eat meat to sustain ourselves. Do I agree with the way that slaughterhouses kill animals? Not at all. But I do think burning babies with saline or sucking the brains out of their skulls is much much worse.



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About Jill

Jill began blogging for Feministe in 2005. She has since written as a weekly columnist for the Guardian newspaper and in April 2014 she was appointed as senior political writer for Cosmopolitan magazine.
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70 Responses to Feministe’s Next Top Troll, March Madness Edition: The BABY-KILLERS Bracket

  1. carrie says:

    Why doesn’t Brandon just go hang out with all those aborted fetii then? I bet they’re still fun to chill with.

  2. preying mantis says:

    I’m going with Brandon. It takes a truly awesome level of narcissism to start a rant against what you view as infanticide with a complaint about having fewer friends than you’d like on account of it.

  3. Aaron says:

    Oh my God, Brandon, for reals. The whining about all the friends he doesn’t have because they were all murdered or whatever was great, but so was being unable to distinguish between, say, a mindless embryo and fully grown animals, many of whom have very complex minds and thought processes. I’m not a vegetarian but that was so dumb and mildly offensive.

  4. Lena says:

    Wait, so, abortion is a rose?

    Should I get my partner a dozen abortions then?

    …And I can’t even make sense of the ‘1/3 of people i could have been friends with’. Does that mean a third of the world’s population would be his friends? A third of a person would be his friend? Huh?

  5. Jill says:

    I personally think Ed’s comparison of roses to abortion is amazing.

  6. Turbopixie says:

    Brandon. Weighing up vegetarianism against abortion would have won it for him anyway, but the cherry on top is his lost friends.

  7. jenny says:

    Brandon’s comment is way more… random? What does animal rights have to do with anything?

  8. E.M. Russell says:

    “We need to eat meat to sustain ourselves. Do I agree with the way that slaughterhouses kill animals? Not at all.” So is he pro-life and vegetarian? I’m confused.

  9. preying mantis says:

    “What does animal rights have to do with anything?”

    Well, all lefties are both vegans and baby-slaughterers, which makes the logical inconsistency of being pro-baby-slaughter while anti-animal-cruelty a devastating point of attack. Or at least it would, if we weren’t also soulless beasts who delight in evil for its own sake, so in reality we just cackle and throw another Bible on the fire to warm our cold, black hearts.

  10. Kelly says:

    Yeah, Brandon is definitely the superior troll. If he thinks the reason he has no friends is because of abortion…well.

  11. 42ndWF says:

    Wow. Brandon’s ramble wins for me. The whole pro-choice/vegetarian thing is just too awesome.

  12. leah says:

    Brandon’s idea that saline burns “babies” is extra speshul awsum. Because, saline burns, that’s why people put it in their EYES every damn day.

  13. Roving Thundercloud says:

    I was going to go with Brandon because it just roams all over in such a half-sensical way, but Ed just makes a straight leap over a cliff with his rose = abortion = murder.

  14. J says:

    I went with Ed here because I nearly choked on my bagel when I read it.

  15. victoria says:

    I go for Ed, for botching one of the most basic and well-known quotes from one of Shakespeare’s most basic and well-known plays.

  16. I’m not buying that Brandon could be be friends with anyone, even a fetus.

  17. JessSnark says:

    What does animal rights have to do with anything?
    I’m guessing this was a comment on a thread about vegetarianism or PETA or something, so the question really would be “What does abortion have to do with anything?”

    I’m voting Brandon because of what preying mantis said– it’s amazingly self-centered to rage against “killing babies” on the grounds that now he has 1/3 fewer potential friends. The only thing that could have made that better would have been if he framed it as 1/3 fewer potential girlfriends/sexual partners.

  18. brandon’s just mad cuz he’s a loser, and is blaming women’s right to choice on his lack of potential friends. what a fucking idiot.

  19. Bitter Scribe says:

    I’m going to go out on a limb here and guess that Brandon needs all the friends he can get.

  20. Rachel S. says:

    I actually had a hard time choosing this time (oops!), but I went with Brandon for his math fail. “A third of the people I could have been friends with”? What does that even mean?

    I’m sure they’re both pro-death penalty too… which actually is murder. Go fig.

  21. sarah m says:

    couldn’r resist ed’s concise, haiku-like brevity

  22. SunlessNick says:

    I’m going with Brandon. It takes a truly awesome level of narcissism to start a rant against what you view as infanticide with a complaint about having fewer friends than you’d like on account of it.

    vs

    Ed just makes a straight leap over a cliff with his rose = abortion = murder.

    That’s a tough one; the toughest round yet. I think I’m going to go with Brandon.

  23. Tiny Danza says:

    I think Brandon is just feeling a wee bit insecure about the number of friends he has on Facebook. Surely it’s only a matter of time before they introduce an Aborted Fetus You May Like application?

  24. Kitty says:

    That was really, really hard to choose. I almost chose Brandon, for this:

    ….when 1/3 of the people I could have been friends with were murdered?

    Blaming pro-choice people for his lack of friends. I was close to tears, I can’t help it. I’m a compassionate person. But in the end I chose Ed, for making me associate a floral shop to abortion.

  25. Fitz says:

    The graphic is simply false & misleading. No pro-life argument nor religious argument equates masturbation with murder.

    In order to murder something you have to have a human life to begin with. Life begins at conception. So a male sperm or an unfertilized female egg cannot be murdered because they are no human life to begin with.

    Extrapolating back past the point were your adversaries claim human life begins to a point were they do not claim human life is even involved only helps you feel like your adversary is foolish. Point of fact however is it is necessary to paint your adversaries as foolish precisely because they are not.

  26. Jamie says:

    Brandon, for the fail in biology.

    Also, I take pride in killing as many sperm as possible on a daily basis. ;p

  27. Katlyn says:

    Brandon, for comparing the issue of animal rights to the issue of abortion. Because they’re EXACTLY the same issue with the same concerns. I mean, if you believe A, then you have to believe B, right? Am I right?!?!

    Does this mean all pro-life people should stop eating meat and be against the death penalty? Do pro-choice people have to eat meat and support capital punishment? Wow, too much hypocrisy for me to handle.

  28. rachel says:

    um…if those babies had been born, there is no guarantee they would have grown up and been friends with brandon.

    in fact they would probably be voting for him right now!

  29. Katlyn says:

    Also,

    Because, saline burns, that’s why people put it in their EYES every damn day.”

    haha! sooo funny.

  30. MissPrism says:

    I voted Brandon for his fantastic logicfail.

    Given that about one in three women has an abortion at some point, and most of those go on to have children later, and those children couldn’t have existed had their mother been forced to carry her earlier unwanted pregnancy to term – I’d like to thank abortion for providing me with 1/3 of my existing friends!

  31. CartoonCoyote says:

    I’m a sucker for brevity sometimes, so I pick Ed.

  32. BadKitty says:

    I had to go with Brandon and all of his poor lost imaginary friends. Since that line is new to me, he got an A for originality.

  33. Chris says:

    “The graphic is simply false & misleading. No pro-life argument nor religious argument equates masturbation with murder.”

    So not the place, but I have to say that I actually have seen pro-lifers and religious folks arguing that since sex is designed solely for procreation, any kind of sexual act that can’t result in a child is “anti-life.”So the graphic is perfectly apt.

  34. victoria says:

    So, Fitz (@25), you didn’t tell us who gets your vote, Ed or Brandon?

  35. Wendy says:

    Have to go with Brandon here, cuz I might have been 1/3 friends with him if he had been born with the ability to develop an argument.

  36. Buffy says:

    “Humans have the ability to choose, while animals only think on instinct.”

    So if the ability to choose makes us more human, then are anti-choice nutjobs underdeveloped neanderthals?

    The answer is, of course, yes. Must. Eat. Meat.

  37. Roving Thundercloud says:

    Can I vote for Fitz?

  38. Icewyche says:

    Sounds to me like Brandon’s already had the brains sucked out of his skull. Yeah, I’d give this one to Brandon, although I’m really tempted to write in Fitz.

  39. preying mantis says:

    “So a male sperm or an unfertilized female egg cannot be murdered because they are no human life to begin with.”

    So what, exactly, are they?

    “Yeah, I’d give this one to Brandon, although I’m really tempted to write in Fitz.”

    Fitz is an idiot, yes, but Brandon needs 33% more validation than the average bear.

  40. pink daisy says:

    Fitz.

    Trolling in a thread on trolling is an extra special kind of fail.

    Also, on Brandon´s lost friends; if he hadn’t been such an asshole he could include the women in his set of potenital friends for a whopping 100% increase.

  41. evil_fizz says:

    Fitz for the write in!

    The graphic is simply false & misleading. No pro-life argument nor religious argument equates masturbation with murder.

    This is why the graphic is what you would call a joke. But I gotta say, I applaud the effort in a round that includes analogizing abortion to flowers and saying “you killed a third of my friends!”

    Also, I feel like there should be a showdown between Brandon and the fetus fritter commenter. I still haven’t figured out what eating habits have to do with any of this.

  42. evil fizz says:

    Bah, I’m in the mod queue. I will point out that Fitz is trolling all over the place, so he’s clearly making a run for the write in slot.

  43. MaggieK says:

    I’m torn. On the one hand, Brandon’s little rant makes some astoundingly amusing leaps of logic; but Ed’s mangling of Shakespeare makes the lit geek in me giggle. Hmmm, decisions, decisions….

  44. Cactus Wren says:

    Ed was very concise, which I liked; but I had to vote for Brandon, for his effective juxtaposition of the “sucking brains” and “lethal burns from salt water” memes. If he’d managed to work in “convenience” or “prom dress” I’d give him a 10.

  45. If Brandon just stopped with “Why are more people worried about animal rights when 1/3 of the people I could have been friends with were murdered?” I would have voted for him. I do feel bad for him, since 1/3 of the people he could have been friends with never existed, while the other 2/3 of the people he could have been friends with have heard and read things he has said. That means Brandon has no friends! Or just a lot of imaginary ones. I can picture him going to Build-a-Bear looking for a toy fetus to fill with love.

    Little known fact, “abortion is MURDER” were Juliet Capulet’s last words.

  46. Michele says:

    Hand to god, my high school biology teacher used Brandon’s exact “how can you be vegetarian and pro-choice” argument. What, was there a pamphlet or something?

    That being said, the “rose by any other name is still murder” argument is just… poetry, really.

  47. Lorelei says:

    i voted for Ed for his attempt to be ‘poetic’ about his anti-choiceness. :D

  48. Raechel says:

    I went with Ed for the hilarious misquote. Short and sweet!

  49. stlthy says:

    Brandon, because of the saline causing lethal burns thing and for the aborted potential friends whine. The fail really *does* burn.

  50. House of Mayhem says:

    Maybe Brandon would have more friends if he brushed the Cheetos out of his beard and moved out of his parent’s basement.

  51. Alex, FCD says:

    Ed, for managing to work a non sequitur and a mangled Shakespeare quote into only thirteen words. (The actual line is, of course, “an abortion by any other name would smell as sweet.”)

    Honourable mention: Fritz for biology abuse.

  52. Erin Leigh says:

    I’m going to have to disagree and say that if this was the entirety of their comments, neither one of them really fit the “troll” type. I mean, neither one of them started in on the name-calling, etc. Sure, I completely disagree with them, but are they acting like trolls? I don’t think so…all of your other troll competitions have definitely been accurate. But these two comments seem to be merely expressing their views, in a way that I don’t find particularly trollish.

    And I say all this as a pro-choice feminist.

  53. carrie says:

    omg i just realized he said ‘saline’ b/c of someone’s comment! haha, that’s priceless!

  54. EatenByChutulu says:

    I’m torn man -Brandon obviously puts a lot of effort into this strange collection of nonsequiturs, but Ed is short & to the point (plus, I like poetry). Erm…decisions, decisions…

    I think I’ll go with Ed for the poetry.

    Roses are red,
    Violets are blue,
    The stupid that’s said
    Is so bloody untrue.

  55. EatenByChutulu says:

    Now I think on it…

    I second Fitz as an honorable mention/write-in.

    Mind you, it might simply be that his education is sorely lacking. Pharyngula just so happens to have a post that would remedy that lack right quick.

    Btw, how do you link on here?

  56. preying mantis says:

    “I’m going to have to disagree and say that if this was the entirety of their comments, neither one of them really fit the “troll” type.”

    The guy whose post was a misquote and “Abortion is MURDER” doesn’t strike you as a troll? It’s nice to know that when I pop ’round to the Flat-Earthers’ forum and post “In fourteen hundred sixty-two, Columbus sailed the ocean blue. The Earth is FLAT.”, there’s at least one person who’s got my back re: contributing to meaningful discussion.

    “Btw, how do you link on here?”
    [a href=”url goes here”]words go here[/a] with s instead of [ ]s should work.

  57. preying mantis says:

    Greater-than and less-than symbols instead of [ ]s. I swear they showed up in preview.

  58. Gusty move Fitz going for an early nomination for the 5th Annual Troll Run Off.

    I voted for Bran don for shear originality and total lack of logic. All of the votes have been tough and I expect the next round will be even closer, oh the drama!

  59. Auguste says:

    Why are more people worried about animal rights when 1/3 of the people I could have been friends with were murdered?

    I can’t understand how anyone can read that sentence and not pick Brandon to win the whole tournament.

  60. Irian says:

    Ed’s. Because I would LOVE to see it on a bumper sticker.

  61. chingona says:

    I was going to vote for Brandon, but seeing as everyone else is voting for Brandon, I’m voting for Ed. I’m a sucker for an underdog.

  62. Ben says:

    Brandon’s is more inane, but Ed gets my vote because of the totally nescient and inappropriate analogy/half-allusion.

  63. Jubilation T. Cornpone says:

    Brandon FTW.

    I like the assertion that we “have to eat meat to sustain ourselves”. So are vegetarians imaginary, or do they just not know they’re dead yet?

  64. Liz says:

    I’m an undecided voter on this one, but I do have a comment about Brandon. Perhaps 1/3 of the fetii he created have been aborted? They were his ‘future children’ so that’s how he knows he could have been their friend.

  65. William says:

    Helpful hint: if you can burn it to death with a saline solution, a neutral solution that you can put in your goddamn eyes, it wasn’t a person.

  66. ACG says:

    Is it just me, or was Brandon obliquely suggesting that we would eat fetuses if we didn’t eat meat?

  67. Laurie says:

    Both of these trolls are lame, but I gotta go with Brandon. The animal rights comparison was boring but I liked the whinging about he lost 1/3 of his possible friends.

  68. Jenn says:

    Ooooh, tough choice. But I think Brandon wins it in overtime for his inclusion of “saline burns! it burns!” No, dumbass — do you see people bursting into flame every time they go for a swim in the Pacific?

    That being said, @ Lena:

    “Wait, so, abortion is a rose?

    Should I get my partner a dozen abortions then?”

    This comment wins at life.

  69. Niki says:

    Ed’s got my vote for not only perverting, but also misquoting, a beautiful line from Shakespeare.

  70. Jesse says:

    Brandon’s the clear winner, and I know I’m really late to comment on this entry (and to vote,) but I just wanted to point out the hilariousness in Fitz’s comment “a rose by any other name is still just a rose.” Because if it were called a cantalope, it would still be called a rose. Amirite?

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