Feministe’s Next Top Troll, March Madness Edition: The YOU WHORES JUST NEED A NICE GUY LIKE ME Bracket

It’s March Madness, Feministe-style: We’re doing a troll run-off to highlight some of our all-time favorite comments and pick the winner of Feministe’s Next Top Troll, Season 4. This is Bracket Seven, the YOU WHORES JUST NEED A NICE GUY LIKE ME Bracket.

Potentially triggering troll comments below the image. Vote for your favorite of the YOU WHORES JUST NEED A NICE GUY LIKE ME Bracket at the bottom.

Morgen:

If some stupid whores objectify themselves and their giant implants for cash, that does not reflect on women on general, so why are all of you so wound up? I don’t lose my mind over home video shows that love to show guys getting their balls crushed every minute. I’m not boycotting female singers who only seem to sing about how lousy guys are. I am a stay at home dad, with 2 kids, I also run my buisness from home, make exponentially more money than my wife, and I treat her like a queen in every way. You “ladies” have obviously had too many “dickbags” in your lives. You all should just relax, shut up, get on your knees, and do the only thing you are good for.

VERSUS

Whitey:

The irony in this is that the men in the first picture have probably all experienced the joy of having children with their spouses.

Whereas I seriously doubt that the women in the second picture have had ANY physical contact with a member of the opposite sex, much less have had to deal with the complexities of pregnancy; unless one of them decided to artificially inseminate herself just to abort it for ideological reasons.



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About Jill

Jill began blogging for Feministe in 2005. She has since written as a weekly columnist for the Guardian newspaper and in April 2014 she was appointed as senior political writer for Cosmopolitan magazine.
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44 Responses to Feministe’s Next Top Troll, March Madness Edition: The YOU WHORES JUST NEED A NICE GUY LIKE ME Bracket

  1. rachel says:

    um, morgen…queens don’t get on their knees, everyone else gets on their knees for them…you dickbag.

  2. preying mantis says:

    I’m torn. Much love for Morgen’s sort of abbreviated Pilgrim’s Progress from dude to dickbag, but then there’s Whitey, whose post is a giant ball of incandescent fail.

  3. Jill says:

    Yeah, Morgen’s insistence that he treats his wife like a queen followed immediately by “get on your knees, cuz that’s all bitchez are good for!” was truly inspired. But Whitey is (a) named Whitey, (b) looked at a picture of female politicians and insisted they had all only gotten pregnant in order to have abortions for fun, and (c) apparently failed to note that one of the women in the picture is Nancy Pelosi, who has like 17 grandkids.

    It’s a tough call.

  4. Turbopixie says:

    Crikey, this is a tough one!

    In the blue corner we have Morgen, who is a stay-at-home dad but needs to emphasise that he is still the main breadwinner; he wants us to chill out and give blowjobs (though at first I thought he was alluding to laying floor tiles, which I rock at).

    In the red corner we have Whitey, who is apparently incapable of Googling and imagines that the only reasons feminists would get pregnant is to have an abortion.

    The stupid burns on both sides, but Morgen takes it with a TKO. Whitey might merely be ignorant, whereas I have a feeling Morgen has thought long and hard about this, while watching “America’s Funniest Home Videos.”

  5. Vail says:

    I voted for Morgen because he is a classic Nice GuyTM. I just hope we don’t hear about him snapping and killing his family because “they couldn’t survive without him.”

  6. Bonn says:

    I had to choose Whitey just because I felt like I’d heard Morgen’s before. Whitey would have gotten bonus points if he had somewhere referred to all those women who never touched men before/artificially inseminated themselves as “sluts,” but he still won by a nose in my book.

    Although I have to give Morgen props for mashing the “my wife is a queen” and “get on your kneez lousy bitchz” together. That’s quite hard to do without sounding like a total hypocritical moron. Ohhhh wait …

  7. Amelia says:

    Wowww, Morgen really sounds like someone I’d want to be married to/be raising kids with. My vote for him.

  8. Jenny says:

    Wow. This is a genuine toss up. Might have to go with Morgen if not just for the use of dickbag in reference to guys other than himself. Ballsy.

  9. Edie says:

    Queens on their knees vs. ideologically driven abortions.

    Damn. This is a tough one.

    “Morgen” may be rather irate because his royal spouse has stood her ground and won’t get on her knees for him.

    Whereas “Whitey” (+5 points for actually answering to that name, IMO) forgets that men don’t have to deal with the complexities of pregnancy either.

    while both are both pretty entertaining, I’m gonna go with Whitey. His is the stupider of the two, I think.

  10. Ashley says:

    Wow. I think these are maybe my two favorite trolls ever. Successful “buisnessman” Morgen is a true master of juxtaposition. The final sentences of his comment are so pure, so perfect. He treats his wife like a queen… Get on your knees. Now that’s some of the best trolling I’ve seen all year!

    And the part about the oppression of men through home video shows? A thing of beauty.

    But Whitey is named Whitey! And I love the fact that he works around the logical inconsistencies of his contradictory beliefs that feminists don’t have sex and that feminists have lots of abortions with the artificial insemination thing. Genius!

  11. Of course all feminists pay thousands of dollars for AI, only to pay a few hundred more for an abortion. We’re wacky like that!

  12. BadKitty says:

    I’m going to have to pick Whitey because he so totally busted me. It seems I spend all my time running between my fertility specialist and the abortion clinic. I have hardly any time left at all for ball busting.

  13. carrie says:

    It’s gotta be Morgen.

    he pretty much says that Feminism that is unnecessary, so we should all shut up and suck his cock.

    Though it is pretty annoying that he had to give his whole life’s story.

  14. La Lubu says:

    You all should just relax, shut up, get on your knees, and do the only thing you are good for.

    Uhhh, looking for a dropped contact lens?

  15. W. Kiernan says:

    Gosh, it’s so hard to choose! I’m going to go with the first demented asshole, though, because weighing his words with the wisdom my old age has bestowed upon me, I estimate the odds are 4-1 that he’s a insanely frustrated virgin, frustrated to the point of frenzy, as opposed to maybe only 2-1 odds for that second asshole. Besides, second guy’s got a bit too much politics in there, whereas that first guy’s nothing but sex.

  16. Ashley in Texas says:

    And why did Morgen have to mention just how much more money he makes than his adoring wifey? Someone has some self-esteem issues. I also love how it seems like his whole post was meant to be that last statement, but he had to work up the courage to say it. :D

  17. That was a toughy, but the utter incongruity of “I treat my wife like a queen – get on your knees” was slightly more fun than the utter illogic of thinking people might be artificially conceiving just in order to abort.

    It’s just a shame they can’t both be winners, because they are clearly both very much Losers!

  18. ACG says:

    I do have to stick up for my uncle Whitey, who got the nickname as a towheaded child and can’t escape it. His coworkers, black and white, think it’s hilarious. It helps, however, that he isn’t a complete dickwad like this Whitey, and I should give this guy an extra vote just for giving Whiteys everywhere a bad name.

    That said, I still had to cast my vote for Morgen, just for the “You women have had too many horrible men in your lives! I treat my woman like a queen! Now suck my dick!” cognitive disconnect.

  19. Anyone who claims that women purposely get pregnant to have abortions because they’re fun automatically wins in my book. I also purposely get my period every month because I enjoy the cramps and the extra bathroom breaks.

  20. JessSnark says:

    The math major in me wants to pick the guy who makes exponentially more money than his wife, since I want to know how you can determine an exponential function with only two data points. But Whitey gets points for saying the most false statements in the fewest words- conciseness is key.

  21. William says:

    IMPROPER USE OF INVERTED COMMAS!

  22. Bitter Scribe says:

    ThickRedGlasses, he didn’t say women had abortions for fun. He said they have them “for ideological reasons,” which makes perfect sense, because when it comes to making a political point, there’s nothing like completely unnecessary invasive surgery.

  23. MissPrism says:

    I’m abstaining on this one. Voting for either one of these woodlice would feel like giving out troll-treats they don’t deserve.

  24. Icewyche says:

    Wow, this is a tough one. I went with Morgen in the end, for the “I’m SPESHUULL!” attitude. I agree with Rachel and Jill – “I treat my wife like a queen” and “ON UR KNEEZ, BITCHEZ” don’t belong in the same argument. Seems to me the latter cancels out the former.

  25. Tara says:

    The best part of this competition is reading my sisters’ witty retorts!

  26. Anna.licious says:

    Whitey takes the win for me.

    Sorry, y’all, I’m going to have to leave it short today. Gotta run to the fertility clinic and then to Planned Parenthood. I have political points to make!

  27. Katlyn says:

    Whitney, because the whole ‘the only thing you’re good for’ line gets really old after awhile.

    I mean, come on! We need to spice it up!
    Now, saying that female politicians are all lesbians who artificially inseminate themselves so they can have abortion for funsies?
    niiiiiiceee….

  28. victoria says:

    Morgen. If this is how he treats a queen, hate to imagine what a scullery maid in his castle would have to go through.

  29. Laurie says:

    Morgen wins for complete lack of self-awareness/irony.

  30. prairielily says:

    Whitey… for being named Whitey, and for not knowing who Nancy Pelosi is.

  31. Roving Thundercloud says:

    Had to go with Morgen because he’s the only one who’s actually given me a feeling of pure Ick so far. I feel for those kids.

  32. Leigh says:

    JessSnark, thank you for that much needed hearty-chuckle. Almost makes me wish I could switch my vote to Morgan…

    But I’m a sucker for economy in trolling. There’s only so much grammar Fail a girl can take in one go.

  33. umami says:

    They are both so EPIC. *fangirls them both* I can’t choose!
    Hmm, maybe Whitey is just too stupid to be really funny. He’s just a run of the mill stupid freeper who was on form that day.

    Whereas Morgen is genuinely incredibly fucking creepy, like something out of a Stephen King novel.

    Morgen.

  34. Jenn says:

    Morgen for being such a spectacular example of fail. If only I, too, could find a man who treats me so much like a queen that he expects me to get on my knees and do the only thing I’m good for. Mrs. Morgen must be so proud!

  35. Liz says:

    I’m so glad Morgen isn’t a dickbag.

  36. CartoonCoyote says:

    I don’t lose my mind over home video shows that love to show guys getting their balls crushed every minute.

    I hope to Christ he was the star of one of those “home video shows” and that his nuts were crushed beyond rescue.

  37. Michele says:

    Morgan. Mostly because I want to find out who he really is. And I think if he’s told he’s won a prize he might show up and we can take the kids from him and maybe salvage the damage he’s already done… He reproduced and is alone with children all day- OMFG!!!

  38. jenny says:

    I love how Morgen says he treats his wife like a queen and in the next sentence contradicts himself by saying all women are good for is giving blowies. *rolls eyes*

    He gets my vote!

  39. SunlessNick says:

    I was torn, but the arguments on favour of Morgan have won me over.

  40. Lauren says:

    You “ladies” have obviously had too many “dickbags” in your lives. You all should just relax, shut up, get on your knees, and do the only thing you are good for.

    One too many, Morgen. Buh-bye.

  41. Niki says:

    Totally Morgen for the balls-crushing comment. What?

  42. Lorelei says:

    Whitey’s comment was so non-sequitor and unrelated to the photo that i had to vote for him. :D

  43. Jessica says:

    Morgen gets my vote, simply because he was all over the place – his issues run DEEP!

    and …”a giant ball of incandescent fail” gets my vote for best comment phrase evah!

  44. Jess says:

    The last sentence of Morgan’s comment makes me think of that scene in “The Shawshank Redemption.” I don’t know why he thinks it’s a smart idea to speak such toss about women and then want to have his penis in a woman’s mouth.

    Just sayin’.

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