Feministe’s Next Top Troll, March Madness Edition – Elite Eight, Bracket Four

It’s March Madness, Feministe-style. We’ve narrowed down our latest trolls from 16 to 8; those eight are divided into four brackets. Vote for your favorites in Bracket Four now. Potentially triggering troll comments below the image.

Morgen:

If some stupid whores objectify themselves and their giant implants for cash, that does not reflect on women on general, so why are all of you so wound up? I don’t lose my mind over home video shows that love to show guys getting their balls crushed every minute. I’m not boycotting female singers who only seem to sing about how lousy guys are. I am a stay at home dad, with 2 kids, I also run my buisness from home, make exponentially more money than my wife, and I treat her like a queen in every way. You “ladies” have obviously had too many “dickbags” in your lives. You all should just relax, shut up, get on your knees, and do the only thing you are good for.

VERSUS

Seriously?

this is the dumbest thing ever, you all realise that?
you’re judging another countries and cultures morals on your own, if you dont like it or disagree with it, dont let YOUR 8 year old get married.

no i dont agree with it, but where they come from its how things are done, get used to it coz its got nothing to do with anyone here, in most cases i can pretty much guess the closest anyone here has been to another country is that big hotel with the pool and the big market place, every country has its high and lows, even the “great” (using that term loosely) United states has many low points, get used to it girls, its life.

37 comments for “Feministe’s Next Top Troll, March Madness Edition – Elite Eight, Bracket Four

  1. Icewyche
    April 7, 2009 at 8:45 am

    Oh, wow, this one’s tough. Decisions, decisions…

    Morgen gets this bracket for the sheer flip-floppery of “women are whores/I treat my wife like a queen/GET ON UR KNEEZ BITCHEZ”, not to mention the egomania in telling us how very speshuul he is. Seriously? is good, but Morgen had that extra little touch of douchebaggery that won the day. So to speak.

  2. FashionablyEvil
    April 7, 2009 at 9:09 am

    I totally agree, Ice. It’s quite the impressive train of “thought” from Morgen.

  3. April 7, 2009 at 9:16 am

    Yeah, morgan won by combining “queen” with “on your knees”. Somehow, it’s not a position I can picture say, the Queen of England in.

  4. April 7, 2009 at 9:17 am

    Morgen. One of my favorite trolls EVER.

  5. April 7, 2009 at 9:25 am

    Did I mention, last time I voted for him, how delightfully nonsensical Morgen’s use of the word “exponentially” is?

  6. Soma
    April 7, 2009 at 9:26 am

    A good match-up; I highly suspect both of these comments were written by boys between the ages of 13 and 17. With both so evenly matched, I’ll need to count the points to decide.

    Morgen:
    – Sex workers are “stupid whores” who apparently are more than happy to be in the line of work they’re in.
    – But they aren’t supposed to reflect on women in general (see “the only thing you are good for”)
    – Accuses feminists of being “wound up”
    – Non sequitur about America’s Funniest Home Videos
    – Isn’t boycotting singers whose names he doesn’t specify
    – Looks for feminist cred by claiming to be a stay-at-home dad
    – Then looks for chauvinist cred by trumping her income
    – Based on usage, probably doesn’t know what the word “exponential” means
    – He treats her like a queen (see “the only thing you are good for”)
    – May be more right than he knows, considering how most queens were treated
    – Scare quotes around “ladies” and “dickbags”, possibly implying that neither is what it claims to be
    – The last sentence, which I’m going to have to count for 3 points.

    Seriously?:
    – Terrible spelling and grammar for 2 points
    – You’re judging other people’s actions according to your own moral compass, which apparently makes you automatically wrong
    – Apparently thinks that “where they come from” there are 8-year-olds happily getting married all the time
    – Doesn’t know “where they come from” despite the fact that it’s mentioned right in the post
    – You shouldn’t judge things that have nothing to do with you (but s/he can)
    – We’re all a bunch of ign’ant Western fools who have never been closer to a foreign culture than a hotel pool… what?
    – The US isn’t perfect so we should all just get over it

    The clear winner: Morgen

  7. Leigh
    April 7, 2009 at 9:52 am

    Julie, yes! I remember that comment because I guffed a hearty guffaw about it! Recalling it actually helped tip Morgan back over the top for me.

    Part of me was leaning towards Seriously? just for the sheer incredulity s/he inspired with the enlightening moral view that, if it’s not your 8-year-old getting raped, you should just mind your own beeswax, la di da. But that, plus all the important reasons Soma outlined, and the galling suggestion that the main problem with sexual objectification is all those dumb sluts walking around objectifying themselves left and right, helped Morgan sail on to his second victory.

  8. April 7, 2009 at 9:56 am

    For me it was no contest; Morgan by a landslide. The whole my wife is a queen now get on your knees and service me reaches a special level of trolldom.

  9. April 7, 2009 at 10:11 am

    Morgen gets my vote. It really comes down to treating his wife like a queen, in every way, but demanding that we all get on our knees and do the only thing we’re good for. That’s a brain twister, right there.

  10. Kyle
    April 7, 2009 at 10:26 am

    Morgen here, Morgen next round, Morgen forever. Is there anyway the girl with the shotgun can find him and bring us a post-tourney interview?

  11. madeleine
    April 7, 2009 at 10:38 am

    I wasn’t going to give it to Morgen until that last sentence. Fabulous.

  12. Ista
    April 7, 2009 at 10:43 am

    Morgen’s saving grace was the ‘Get on your knees.’

  13. Roving Thundercloud
    April 7, 2009 at 11:05 am

    Morgen is just too awesome. He goes along saying ostensibly reasonable things–the behavior of some women doesn’t reflect on all women; sure there are some media items that annoy me, but I simply avoid them rather than protest them. Then the snowball slowly starts–I am a Nice Guy(tm) who works from home, I treat my wife like a queen even though I make more money than her [WTF?]. It picks up speed with pretended sympathy for those of us who have known lesser men, and then the slavering alien of his true nature just leaps out of his chest with that last sentence.

    I hope his lady takes those poor kids and runs for the hills very soon. Then he can come back here and blame us for that surprise.

  14. Sailorman
    April 7, 2009 at 12:03 pm

    if you dont like it or disagree with it, dont let YOUR 8 year old get married.

    That wins, without a doubt.

  15. vivala
    April 7, 2009 at 12:10 pm

    “I am such a good man. I make so much money and and take care of my children and even treat my wife well (though she doesn’t really deserve it since she doesn’t take care of the kids and doesn’t even make more money than I do). I think women shouldn’t objectify themselves, though they’re only good for getting on their knees… ummm. I think I am a feminst. Guess I will start enlightening some women by commenting on their blogs”

  16. Level Best
    April 7, 2009 at 12:15 pm

    Morgen had me at “giant implants.”

  17. Alex, FCD
    April 7, 2009 at 12:18 pm

    Morgen was great, but I just had to go with Seriously?, because that’s just the most misplaced application of cultural relativism I have ever seen. Even better, s/he seems to think that her or his views are mainstream.

    In an unrelated note, I also enjoyed the ad for the book Nightwalker on this page, especially the part where they claim that the novel contains “mystery sex ghosts”. It’s possible that they meant “mystery, sex and ghosts”, but I prefer to think of the first two words as adjectives.

  18. April 7, 2009 at 1:22 pm

    Truly difficult, but I had to go with Morgen. I just love how he switches from “you’ve had too many dickbags in your life and need a good man like me” to “get on your knees and do the only thing you’re good for” in adjacent sentences.

    As much as I enjoy batshit insanity, the sentiment of “Don’t let YOUR 8 year old get married but don’t complain when other people let theirs get married” was too disturbing for me to vote for.

  19. April 7, 2009 at 1:43 pm

    I had to vote for “Seriously?”. Even Morgen would have voted for him.

  20. AshKW
    April 7, 2009 at 1:52 pm

    This is getting harder, but Morgen is still absolutely awesome. He definitely is spechul, but I don’t think it’s the spechul he wants to be…maybe…

  21. E.M. Russell
    April 7, 2009 at 2:50 pm

    They were tied for me until I saw that Seriously had called us girls. Ahhhh the belittling and power-taking that goes on by calling grown women girls.

  22. Jadelyn
    April 7, 2009 at 3:25 pm

    Morgen all the way. I’m loving the scare quotes on “ladies” and “dickbags”, not to mention the giant implants and the Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde thing he’s got going on toward the end there.

  23. Jha
    April 7, 2009 at 4:14 pm

    Morgen for cognitive dissonance win!

  24. wiggles
    April 7, 2009 at 4:26 pm

    Federal minimum wage is $7.25 per hour. So if Morgan’s wife works only 20 hours per week at minimum wage, she makes $7,540 per year.
    If Morgan makes “exponentially” more money than his wife at this rate, he makes at minimum $7,540^2, which is $56,851,600.
    Impressive!

  25. wiggles
    April 7, 2009 at 4:42 pm

    I voted for Seriously? because I have a soft spot for underdogs, and writing off to cultural relativism the fact of 8-year-olds being forced into marriage is a very special brand of dickishness.

  26. Ens
    April 7, 2009 at 5:02 pm

    If he made $(7540^2), that would be geometrically more, or quadratically more. Exponentially more, if it makes any sense at all (and it doesn’t really, but playing along here) would mean that he makes e^(what she makes in a year).

    Which is a lot more dollars than there are atoms in the Universe (about as many as the square of the number of atoms in the Universe) or the number of milliseconds, on average, it would take a dedicated immortal monkey to recreate the works of shakespeare on an equally dedicated typewriter.

    Which is really, REALLY impressive.

  27. Ens
    April 7, 2009 at 5:08 pm

    Oops, lost my head for a moment there, it’s really about as many as the number of atoms in the Universe to the power of the number of atoms in the Universe. You know, give or take a factor of a few trillion googol or so.

  28. rachel
    April 7, 2009 at 5:17 pm

    Morgen’s wife is a queen. He never said WE were queens. makes total sense. give the poor man a break.

  29. Sara
    April 7, 2009 at 5:58 pm

    Morgen for the win because he put ladies in quotes. Generally when this is done, it means the writer doesn’t think the word in quotes applies. I wonder if he calls his wife a “lady”.

  30. SunlessNick
    April 7, 2009 at 6:01 pm

    Yeah, Morgen.

  31. April 7, 2009 at 6:31 pm

    I voted for Seriously? because I have a soft spot for underdogs, and writing off to cultural relativism the fact of 8-year-olds being forced into marriage is a very special brand of dickishness.

    Wiggles, so do I, because the eternal refrain of the Decent Left is that feminists are cultural relativists who refuse to denounce FGM, child marriage, “honour” killing and other practices because of their wishy-washy post-modernness. Not many people do have that opinion, but the antifeminist Seriously? evidently does.

  32. April 7, 2009 at 11:18 pm

    Morgen.

  33. Bitter Scribe
    April 7, 2009 at 11:44 pm

    Morgen is turning out to be the North Carolina of this tournament.

  34. roflmfao
    April 8, 2009 at 2:39 am

    I believe in logic, not flashy diatribes, so I think the winner should be the party with the soundest argument.

    Morgen:

    Begins by saying that sex workers objectify themselves but don’t reflect on women in general. If we accept the premise that sex workers objectify themselves by engaging in sexual acts for pay, then it is true that they don’t reflect upon women as a whole, who are supposed to be objectified by men free of charge (see remainder of entry). If we don’t accept this initial premise, and assume that the majority of sex workers find themselves in the positions they do not as the result of willing self-objectification but as the result of certain forces aroud them (say, just for example, the oppressive power of patriarchal social, political, and economic structures that create halfwit uneducated assbags as fountainheads of knowledge and insight and bestow upon them wages and benefits of such staggering and over-compensatory girth that it guarantees the perpetuation of halfwit uneducated assbag institutions–google “U.S. Federal Government, 2000-2008” for further information), it still doesn’t reflect on women in general who are represented by his wife, on whom he sprays his entitled wealth like a golden shower of worth (that is, when she ain’t doing the only thing them bitches is good at), showing that such oppressive social forces are a fallacy and sex workers do in fact choose the lives they do. Oh, well reasoned indeed, Morgen.

    Next, while the note about men getting hit in the balls may seem silly, it actually is relevant. You see, he notes the male penchant for putting their penises on, in, or in front of virtually anything (like a shark uses its mouth, men use their penises as the primary means for experiencing the world), which often results in penile injury. Morgen distances himself from such men, as his penis is obviously reserved for oral cavaties (this is what we call ‘penile specialism’). He does not believe that these men reflect upon him and so, finding this a rough parallel to the issue under debate, quite reasonably doesn’t understand what all the bitches are PMS-ing about.

    Since at least some of what Morgen says could be called into question if his character were ever to come under fire, he takes the time to point out that he is an affectionate father and internet-porn entrepreneur and is mad rich yo. And, as we all know, the world is far too just to land such vasty sums of money in the hands of dickbags. So, his character checks out fine. Dude is on his ‘A’ game.

    Seriously?:

    Begins by making the quite enlightened point that, living as we do in a postmodern world which has found itself devoid of not only objective truth but an objective foundation to reality as well, which leaves us between the proverbial ‘rock’ of nihilism and the ‘hard place’ of subjectivism, we simply cannot use the highly individualized worlds and moral codes that we construct for ourselves to weigh and measure the choices and actions of another human being or society. All that we can rightly claim is the ability to analyze and adjust our own behavior and action; anything else is beyond not only our intellectual grasp but also exists outside of our emotional reach. While the rape of an 8-year-old girl may seem abominable to us as western-centric Anglophiles, it is not our place to condemn such an action as morally bankrupt. Beauty, as they say, is in the eye of the beholder, and to some people nothing looks better than an 8-year-old girl who is unable to consent and unable to refuse. And though Seriously might represent absolutely everything wrong with the world, and though he might be a bottom-feeding, irredeemable bigot son-of-a-dick, you just can’t beat that logic.

    Seriously goes on to suggest that we acclimate ourselves to such moral turpitude because it has nothing to do with us. Yet, such a process of acclimation suggests repeated exposure, and such repeated exposure itself suggests relevance to one’s own life. This is roughly the same as suggesting that the sun is irrelevant to our existence because we have no say in its rising or setting. I’m going to have to deduct a point for that shit.

    Next, to bolster his argument about the irrelevance of actions and events we have no direct relation to or involvement in, Seriously cites a well-known research study about the migratory habits of U.S. Americans, which found that economic stress, while increasing the general desire for vacation periods, effectively diminshes the radius of movement when said movement is tied to personal finance. Seriously attempts to argue that, since none of us are able to get a passport, buy a ticket, leave work, and put an end to such abominable institutions ourselves, with our obviously endless means for enacting social systems changes, we should instead just– to use a common saying– “fuck it”. While this seems quite sensible for a moment (though that may just be wooziness resulting from banging my head against the wall), I’d have to say that comments like these are indicative of some SERIOUSLY flawed logic.

    Winner: Morgen Loser: All of us

  35. April 8, 2009 at 3:23 am

    Morgen is SPECTACULAR, but I had to give Seriously some love, in the end. Morgen has flair, but Seriously’s brand of stupidity is one that I deal with often – and it just does not get old.

    I suppose you can say that Seriously won me over with the sheer sentimentality factor. Bless his little heart.

  36. House of Mayhem
    April 8, 2009 at 10:50 am

    “OW! MY BALLS!”

    How can Idiocracy be wrong?

    “Go ‘way! Batin’!”

  37. thegirlfrommarz
    April 8, 2009 at 11:21 am

    Morgen. For the massive cognitive dissonance.

    But these are definitely getting harder. Seriously?, you were a worthy contender.

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