I’m trans, FtM. I tend to find something interesting on femanist blogs; I tend to largely be accepted. I’m now questioning whether I’m primarily seen as female with a male name, given that I have female experiences- although I don’t think so. I’m not certain any more though.

That seems to be the qualifying thing- have you experienced some of the harrowing ordeals of being a woman, and struggling with some of the things femanism deals with. And, well, I have.

I call myself a male femanist- after all, that’s what I am. But does my experience as a woman include me more than other male femanists? Worse, would it include me more than transgendered female femanists?

I’m not sure. But it’s an interesting question; and this whole thing is an interesting issue. I do feel trans issues are overlooked too often, but- they’re overlooked a lot less than they used to be.

I call this progress. Even if it’s not as fast as we’d like, we ARE making it. We just have to make sure we don’t slip backwards any more.

You know what breaks my heart?

It’s the people who apologise in advance for not knowing, the people who are showing respect. The people who apologise aren’t the problem, and I really hope they realise that there’s no necessity for them to tread on eggshells.

There is, actually.

Newly self-aware trans people, who are often just starting to figure this out, are often pretty vulnerable, emotionally. And if they just start spouting off, without understanding the ground rules in spaces like this, they’re likely to say something ignorant, and someone like GallingGalla or voz will reply in a harsh manner. Yes, GallingGalla and voz and people like them have every right to reply, and every right to be tired of having to make certain points over and over, and are weary of getting stepped on by people unconscious of cis privilege and so on. But for the person who didn’t get it quite right, it such a reply can be quite a smack in the face.

And so, the wise newbies shut up and read and listen and do their own research and don’t ask ignorant questions like, “What does ‘cis’ mean?” because if they don’t know how to use a search engine they probably shouldn’t be posting at the varsity level, which is what this is.

And when they do post, it’s with some trepidation. Like me, right now. I figured out my trans identity years ago, and I’m on pretty good footing with myself, and I like to think I’m articulate. But I’ve also lived a long time with various privileges, and I’m just learning about such things as “othering” and “derailing”, and the basic conventions of polite, thoughtful engagement in spaces like this. I’m actually pretty worried, as I type this, that I’ve broken a rule and I’m going to get my rear end handed to me, and I’m going to go think about it, and conclude, “Damn, she’s right, I screwed up.”

So, I don’t say much, and I try to be very careful when I post in spaces like these. It’s not so much you particularly Zoe, but if I’m going to walk around you in this space, I’m also walking around others who shoot from the hip. So it behooves me to try hard not to be a deserving target, not only for my own emotional resources, but also so that I don’t put others to the trouble of teaching me something I should have figured out on my own.

So, here’s hoping this one passes muster. I apologize in advance if I’ve screwed up somewhere.

Grace

P.S. I love violet’s comment @154. “Unusually inquisitive clown”. Eek and yech, all in one hilarious image.

Zoe: Yes. That, too.

It’s the people who apologise in advance for not knowing, the people who are showing respect. The people who apologise aren’t the problem, and I really hope they realise that there’s no necessity for them to tread on eggshells.

If you know intellectually that you have cisgendered privilege, well, it may take some time to really understand the scope of it, but as far as I’m concerned, problem solved, and you’ll get there in the end.

I don’t want anyone to tiptoe around me for fear of offending me. I’ve been allocated the role of victim, but I’ve refused to accept victimhood. So while I’ll point out the persecution, and never let anyone forget the constant, unremitting transphobic violence in thought, word and deed, it’s only really the deeds I worry about. God knows there are enough of them!

As I wrote in a screed full of implacable accusation on BitchPhD, I won’t give crap like hers a pass. But mis-steps that are well-meant, not even the result of negligence, I guess I just don’t have time to sweat the small stuff. It’s not that I don’t care, or disrespect others opinions, more like I’m up to my ears in true hatred and vitriol from genuine bigots, not merely the unknowingly privileged. I don’t have the time for you that you deserve, and have a right to expect.

For those who feel guilty about past mis-steps, I ask you to be a little easy on yourself. Please. You’re doing OK, really, and you will do better in future. All I can do is thank you, and ask you not to try too hard. Your earnest confessions of imperfection remind me too much of my own myriad privileges and ignorance.

It’s those who don’t feel any guilt, who don’t see that there’s a problem, that I must devote my limited energies to educating. Those that unthinkingly hijack threads for example. Please forgive me for that. Sometimes it seems an awfully big mountain, and I have an awfully small teaspoon. And I have a life outside activism, I’m not really the activist type. I had to be pressganged into it.

Thanks, Cara. You’re doing your best, as am I, and I think that’s all that anyone can reasonably expect, regardless of suboptimal outcomes sometimes.

I’ll admit and apologize that I’ve contributed to some of those derails. But when the author makes that request up-front as part of the OP, I really think that should be respected.