I’ve really enjoyed reading your posts, and the comment threads have been incredibly illuminating. I’m in a situation that sounds similar to Megan’s, as I am about to marry my best friend and love, who is Jewish. Hearing the perspectives of how others see Judaism and Jewish culture is invaluable to me–not from a 101 place, but from someone who is trying to figure out how to create a household that is as embracing of Jewish history, religion and culture as it is of my own, Catholic religion and culture. I agree with and respect your decision to limit the discussion to those who have a stake in the future of Judaism and Jewish culture, and I recognize that the perspective of outsiders is not the point. I wonder, though, if you would welcome those of us who do have a stake in said future, despite our own cultural and religious identification. In any case, I look forward to reading (if not participating in) future discussions.

Megan, I know the way I’ve done this hasn’t been perfect, but having seen how painful and unproductive 101-pile-ons and other such derails can be, I honestly believe that limiting the discussion as I did is the best way to have useful conversations, especially when dealing with a huge readership like that of Feministe. Maybe it’s never been done on Feministe before, but as a guest-blogger I was given explicit permission to moderate threads however I choose. This is a technique I use on my blog, and it works for me, and I believe it could be really helpful for others, too. I think the quality of these threads is a testament to how useful such a policy is.

I’m sorry you’ve endured bullshit during what should be a time for joy and celebration. Yes, others, including me, have had similar experiences — these threads are my attempt to alleviate that. I’m sorry if they haven’t been helpful to you, but they’ve meant a tremendous amount to me and, I believe, to others.

As I said in my first post, I especially want to talk to Diaspora Jews of my generation who, like me, are concerned with this task, but all responses are welcome. I would also very much like to hear from those Jews who are most at risk of being left out of the conversation: queer folks, Jews of color, Jews from “intermarried” families and those with only one Jewish parent, those who are themselves married to or in a relationship with a non-Jewish person, those who grew up secular or just not very observant, those who didn’t get a traditional Jewish education (Hebrew school, bar/bat mitzvah, etc). I want to hear from you! And I want you to know that Judaism is yours, that your have every right to it, that your voice and your concerns and are important and relevant and should (must!) be part of this discussion.

I deliberately attempted to include alienated Jews. Several people said that they weren’t sure if they were “Jewish enugh” for the conversation, and every single one was welcomed both by me and by the other participants. You would be welcomed , too.

If you have suggestions about how I could I have more inclusive, I would be happy to listen.

But at the same time, this conversation would get nowhere and satisfy no one if it had gotten bogged down in questions about whether religion and nationhood are intrinsically problematic, or if it had become a Judaism 101 where we had to start from scratch in explaining the crises facing Judaism today; also, if we felt we had to tiptoe around apologizing for historic aspects of Judaism that inspired antisemitism 200 years ago and that we’re very happy to have left behind, but that nonetheless are part of the conversation about Judaism’s evolution.

Judaism’s transformation and evolution first has to serve the people who are invested, voluntarily or not, in the Jewish community.

I am about to marry an atheist Jew. Your post makes me relive all of the BS I’ve had to deal in the process, and from reading the responses to your earlier post, it seems that my experiences are not unique. It sucks to feel judged and unwelcome by people who don’t even know me. (But, on the plus side, it gives me more empathy for people who have to deal with much worse.)

Michael: I don’t like the idea that women can’t be Rabbis. I don’t appreciate the suggestion that I should only hear a woman sing if I’m married to her. This is only among orthodox. In the reform, conservative and reconstructionist movements women are rabbis and cantors. There is no kol isha restriction in these denominations.

TheThomas:I find it perplexing to think of a group of people working to change Jewish culture, or any group’s culture. If you feel that the culture needs to be changed why do you want to be a part of that culture? Why not choose a culture that matches your beliefs and outlook on life?

First off, I would respond that there is no culture that intrinsically “matches” each of our beliefs – would you agree? Jewish culture, at least for me, is what I grew up with. It would be difficult to remove the concepts of refraining from lashon harah and sinat chinam and striving for tikkun olam from my person. These are central to my core personality today and obviously are not the only examples. Judaism is a culture that has changed drastically over the millenia. Every p’sak, every responsa changes the culture to some degree, whether for the better or worse.

I’m curious if you read the thread to see how that statement evolved and why Daisy used it, as well as the statements of the people participating. There were people in that thread who felt quite alienated from Judaism and/or the Jewish community, people whose only connection to their Jewish roots was being taught shame about their Jewish features, and people who said Judaism should be allowed to die like all religions. There was a pretty broad range of opinion.

I’ll just step back now into being “insufficiently Jewish”, but I wanted to make that note.

And the thing is, the Jewish religious groups that I’m involved in have a fabulous, open, accepting culture that I love. I have two more years in this wonderful little bubble of near-perfect (for me) Judaism in college. But what happens after that?